Frokane said:
2. Stop trying so hard to meet someone just relax and that person will come to you.
This doesn't apply to most men. Unless you are quite good looking (which not all of us are) its very unlikely a girl is ever going to go up to you, compliment you and ask for your number and propose a a date, this is just real life, we are making strides in gender roles but this one has a long way to go. If you tell an average Joe to not pursue dates or meeting people he wont meet anyone. People aren't searching for you to be their friend or their boyfriend you have to put yourself out there.
I think the gist of it isn't so much that you shouldn't make an active effort but rather that socially there's an expectation that a relationship is supposed to arise organically from something more casual or platonic. I think most people nowadays (men and women) would be put off by the idea of a person having a plan for their relationship with you the instant they meet you. But generally speaking, you're right about this one, I think a lot of guys confuse "don't try too hard, you'll look too aggressive or creepy" with "don't try at all because women are fickle beasts who will pluck your eyes out the instant they sense that you're interested in them."
3. Guys, just be 'confident' its attractive*****
this needs about a thousand more asterix's there are so many 'conditions' for confidence to be attractive its hilarious.
This whole "women are attracted to confidence" crap is getting old, very old. When women say they are attracted to confidence, do you know what they are really saying?
"We are attracted to good looking, tall men who have the confidence to approach us after we have given them the green light to do so". Telling an ugly guy to just be "confident" is like putting lipstick on a pig.
Women aren't attracted to confidence per se. People like other people who can be friendly and social, when you're not confident your guard is up and the result is that you become less outgoing and therefore less fun to be around, and when that guarded attitude lends itself towards being closed-off and trying to be indirect (ie acting like you have an interest in a platonic friendship when it's clear you want to get with someone), that's what leads to the behavior that most people call "creepy". You will not suddenly be more appealing to women (or men, if you're a woman or gay) because you think more highly of yourself, but a person who is confident and outgoing is usually a lot more fun to be around. It's also a piece of advice that's just as much for your own benefit as for the benefit for your dating prospects, if you're confident in yourself then you can talk to someone you're attracted and actually have fun doing so, and in the end that's really what matters rather than whether or not they agree to date you.
I know a lot of guys who are frankly pretty much ass-ugly who are much happier than attractive but overly cautious guys because they can just spontaneously go up to someone and have a fun conversation.
As for the worst advice I've heard:
1.) First and foremost, anything at all to do with "game" or pick-up artistry. PUAs are sleazy, creepy, and astonishingly sexist. As a man, I want you to think about how you'd feel about women circulating guidebooks on how to trick a man into getting her pregnant so she can live off of his child support money, and you'll have a sense for the sort of downright insulting objectification that PUAs espouse. But worse than that, PUAs prey on guys who I honestly think have real social anxiety or social skills problems and need professional attention to work through those problems, and when the "game" taught by those PUAs inevitably fails to work the guys who bought into it will, in addition to having been screwed out of what for some PUA seminars can be a surprisingly large amount of money, be led to feel even worse about themselves.
2.) "Don't change who you are." It's not that you should have to change, but that some people who are unhappy with their lives (romantically, financially, socially, or in whatever other way) are in that position as a result of their own behavior or character and might be well advised to ask some tough questions about themselves. The reason that this is bad advice is that it's the kind of advice that is that the kind of person who needs it is going to be the kind of person most inclined to assume that it applies particularly to them. That is, the kind of people who think that they're never in the wrong and flawless and it's the world that's at fault for failing to accommodate them.
3.) (To women) "Don't look too aggressive." I see this bit of advice given distressingly often to high-achieving female college students, and it really just makes me a bit sad and a bit existentially pissed off. Basically, the claim is that if you're a woman and you're planning to go into something high-earning or professional like medicine, science, or engineering, then you're at risk of looking "too intimidating", or "like a career woman", or that it will otherwise make you look boring or unappealing. I've been to two extremely high-profile technical colleges, first in my undergrad and now in graduate school, and it is just shocking how many female students hold this concern, and it gets worse the more advanced you get. Women talk all the time about their worries that they'll have to choose between the career they want and being able to have a fulfilling romantic or family life. For the benefit of any women who may possibly come across this thread, I have this to say: any guy who would prefer that you drop out of school and ditch your personal goals because your ambition makes him feel threatened is the very picture of an egotistical shitstain who is not worth your time.
4.) "Don't talk about religion or politics". Sure, don't introduce yourself to someone by way of letting her know your thoughts on abortion. But do you really think you're going to be compatible with someone who has fundamentally differing beliefs than you? Some people can look past that, but in my experience your personal character is what ultimately informs what you believe in, and in terms of character you need to be on the same page with someone you want to be with if you want things to work out. There's also some much more practical concerns, for instance, are you okay with getting up at ass O'clock in the morning on Sunday to be dragged to church for a religion you don't follow? If you're not very religious do you think that you're going to be sexually compatible with someone who is inhibited by profound concerns that Jesus is watching and judging her every move? It's not going to last long with someone if that person's opinions make you want to stab them with a butter knife.
5.) "Don't worry about money." Perfectly good advice in high school and college, and even when you're older, it matters more what you do for your date rather than how much you spend on it. But as you get a bit older, I think starting late in college, you need money in order to have sufficient freedom in your life to be able to have a relationship, and not having a job makes you look like you don' t have your life in order. Plus, shared suffering promotes bonding.
