The dim moonlight bathed the room in an eerie blue glow. Pixie watched as the smoke hung in the air, lingering in a shaft of light shining through the window. She'd nearly finished her first cigarette before either of them made a peep. "It was me," Carlos finally said, ending the awkward silence. "After the heist I contacted Contessa and told her where you were taking the money."
"I already figured that much out," Pixie admitted, still looking at the ceiling.
Slouched forward in his chair, Carlos parted his hands and shrugged. "Why am I still alive?" he asked.
"Is that what ya' want?"
Carlos didn't respond to that.
Pixie leaned forward and snubbed out the butt of her cigarette before lighting a second one. With one arm draped over the back of the sofa, she took a drag and scratched her forehead with the back of her thumb. "Tell me about it, Carlos," she told him. "I wanna understand this hell I've put you through."
The thief scowled. "Proud of your work?" he accused.
"I don' blame you fer thinkin' that way."
"You're a woman who gets off on violence," Carlos said. "For you, killing offers a kind of ecstasy nothing can match. Taking the life of another in your hands and extinguishing it... it reminds you that you're not weak. It makes you forget, if just for a moment, about that powerless little girl you once were. Try as you might, no amount of fucking can compete with that kind of catharsis." Pixie could see the pain in his eyes as he continued. "I did something terrible to you. I would be a fool to think I could escape your retribution, but I never imagined how slow my death would be. Tell me there's at least a small part of you yet remaining that enjoys all this. Please... tell me that all of this wasn't in vain."
Pixie was finding it difficult to keep her eye on Carlos'. "Carlos," she whispered, "you still love me, don't you?"
"Fuck you, Pixie!" Carlos sneered. "Stop fucking playing games with me! Either kill me or let me go!"
Pixie shook her head. "Killin' ya' now would make these last ten years utterly meaningless," she explained. "It's kinda fucked up ta' let you live as a husk of yerself fer all this time only ta' end it before you can reconcile what happened."
"There will be no reconciliation for either of us, Meredith," Carlos claimed. "We're both too far gone for that now."
'Coming up here reminds me that I am fighting for men and women just like me. Human beings who fuck up. They fuck up so much, and they don't deserve forgiveness, but you know, I think they do...'
'There are so many people I can't forgive, no matter how hard I try. Whether they deserve it or not is not for me, or anyone else to decide. In the end, the only one whose judgement really counts is your own.'
"
Why did you rat us out to Contessa?" Pixie asked, seemingly changing the subject.
Carlos' expression softened. "I..." he trailed off, unsure of how to answer. "I thought I was protecting you. Contessa is the most dangerous woman in the world. She would have come after you had I not acted."
"You fuckin' idiot," Pixie muttered before taking another drag. "Why do you still fuckin' care? Why the fuck do you still want to protect me, after everythin' I've done to you?!" Now Pixie was the one getting flustered.
"Because I fucking have to!" Carlos spat. "Leaving me alive all these years... making me relive the guilt and the pain every time I see my own body... what else do you expect me to do?! I'm a child a prayer, Meredith! I am beseeching my God with everything I have to end the pain! If I can't be forgiven, why can't I at least find peace in death?!"
"You can, Carlos," she replied. "All this time, what was stoppin' you from blowin' yer own brains out?!"
Carlos bowed his head in utter defeat. "I can't do that," he admitted. "I can't end it without clearing my conscience. You need to be the one to do it."
Pixie chuckled quietly and shook her head in disbelief. "You fuckin' idiot," she repeated. "You sold me out so I'd kill you, didn' you?" Carlos didn't reply. "Look, I ain't gonna kill you. I want to, sure, but I also want to forgive you. Thin' is, I don' reckon I can do either of those thin's. I ain't strong enough, Carlos."
"Every fucking day," Carlos muttered. "Every fucking day I live with this guilt tearing me up inside. Do you know what that feels like?!"
"More than you know," Pixie told him.
Carlos sprung to his feet, balling his hands into fists. "If you know, then why don't you just do it?!" he pleaded. "Just fucking end it! Please! I can't keep fucking living like this!"
The former bandito watched curiously as Pixie flicked her cigarette into the ashtray, got to her feet and crossed the gap between them. She stopped directly in front of him. In all the years that had gone by since that fateful day, she'd never come this close to him voluntarily. A profound guilt gripped his heart as he looked at her. She was trembling, not out of despair, but out of fear. After all this time she was still afraid of him.
He was afraid of her too.
"Yer still a coward, jus' like you were back then," Pixie remarked. "Carlos, you wan' my forgiveness, but what about you? How can you forgive me fer what
I've done to you?"
Carlos shrugged. "I guess I still haven't either," he admitted.
"I'm sorry," Pixie whispered in a weak voice.
"I don't know..." the thief began with a furrowed brow. "I don't know if I can accept that, Meredith."
Pixie averted her gaze. "That's okay," she said, clearly trying to convince herself just as much as she was trying to convince him. "You don' need my forgiveness, Carlos. Frankly, I don' know if I'll ever be strong enough ta' reconcile what you did ta' me, but that don't mean you can' forgive yerself."
Carlos grit his teeth, fighting back the urge to sob. "I'm a worthless fuck-up. Whether or not I can forgive myself is meaningless," he croaked. "I love you, Meredith. I always have and I always will. If you can't forgive me, I'm better off dead."
"I'm so sorry," Pixie reiterated, tears standing in her good eye. "I can' do that, Carlos."
"THEN KILL ME!" Carlos shouted as he reached forward. Pixie's whole body stiffened at his touch. His hand around her throat, Pixie involuntarily grabbed his hand and grit her teeth. Instead of countering his assault in the dozens of ways she knew how, she simply stood there quivering in fear. "DO IT! DO IT, GOD DAMMIT!"
He was desperate now. Short of sexual assault, Carlos was doing whatever he could to facilitate his own death. It may as well have been suicide, but in his current state he clearly couldn't make that distinction. Pixie couldn't move, however. She didn't retaliate or reach for her weapon. Whether from guilt or fear, or a combination of the two, Pixie found herself unable to free herself from his grasp.
As the color began to drain from her face, she kept her eye on Carlos'. He watched in horror as he slowly suffocated the woman he loved, hoping she'd finally strike him down. "F-f-fuck," he stammered as he desperately searched her fearful expression. Then finally, he gave in. Releasing her from his hold, he caught her in his arms as she staggered forward, unable to keep herself on her feet.
He was bawling into her shoulder now. "I'm sorry," he cried. "I'm so fucking sorry." Pixie didn't respond as they dropped to their knees and he continued to cry.
Her hands still trembling, she brought them around the back of his head and pulled him into a weak embrace. As much as she wanted to, Pixie prevented herself from sobbing. She needed to be the strong one for once. "We done some fucked up shit to each other, Carlos," she told him as he continued to sob. "I don' know if I can ever forgive you fer what you did, but I can 'elp you fergive yerself. You an' me ar' gonna kill Dio an' save Cranston, okay? If that doesn' free you from this guilt I'll give you what you wan', an' I'll make it quick."
Carlos sobbed more violently now. "Hey, I wan' you ta' know somethin'" she whispered, forcing his eyes on hers. "I didn' let you suffer all this time 'cause I wanted to. I don' get any pleasure in watchin' you wither away."
"Then why?" Carlos croaked.
Pixie smiled sadly. "I'm a coward too," she told him. "I loved you, an' I couldn' bring myself ta' do what I should'a done from the start. If you fight with me, I'll correct that mistake if you want me to, okay?"
The wounded thief nodded. "Okay, Meredith," he agreed. "Anything for you."