[HEADING=1]Chapter 1, of the Epicly awesome story of the Escapist faction.[/HEADING]
In the year 2050 (/60)... there were a group people, all of which (except for the girls) had massive beards. They sat round a table singing Monty Python songs and quoting Duke Nukem. My vision leads me to believe these people we're a group, crusaders of sort... their name... The Escapist Faction! They all had bad-ass SMGs, as they fought a battle against the most foul of creatures... the undead - created and mutated by a Devastating thing. Clouds of smoke will fill the sky, mothers will weep and babies - fly! for the evil of the Fat Man will devastate the world.
among the legions of undead creatures - Jimmy Hendrix is Among the crowd. Along with the mangled corpses of Pink Floyd, he is given a syrum that makes him alive again, the horde are dazzled by their music (and a wide variety of hallucogens), the horde are at bay. But... the serum is wearing off. Jimmy Hendrix only has a matter of time before he rejoins the rank of the undead.
The mighty crusaders will have to fight onward... what will happen to them?
At the headquarters of The Escapist Faction, a rack of SMGs gleamed and shone in the light of the sun. A pile of combs with (awesome) grey hairs, biscuit crums and a strong smell of whiskey was leaning on its side. A group of Escapians were singing Avenue Q songs and the rest were either drinking whiskey, on guard duty, or both.
It was another happy day for the faction, as Jimmy Hendrix' guitar could be heard strumming in the background and a silhouette of undead hordes could be seen bobbing their heads up and down.
This would have carried on if it weren't for the blundering fools in the background, screaming and muttering bad grammar. The others were here... again.
The 'others' were a group of survivors from 'teh interwebz', they liked to attack the Escapians from time to time, but they could usually be settled down with proper English and decent grammar. They carried on a series of past internet memes and thought they had everything better than us. Including their unqualified statement in which they read 'we r ze kingz of teh mudkipz' - however we Escapians know this isn't true, and Commi regularly keeps them in line.
We understood that our defences couldn't withstand undead attacks for too long, however they could hold out long enough for the others to be scattered and off with. Jimmy Hendrix stopped strumming the guitar and grabbed it in his hands, ready for the onslaught of undead.
The evil beings ran everywhere, shrieking and shouting - Jimmy battled his way through - chanting lyrics from Purple Haze and laughing when the others were ploughed down. Finally, the others ran away back to base shouting fail... to which everyone rose to their feet and responded - and boom goes the dynamite!
[HEADING=1]Chapter 2[/HEADING]
As we drew them back, Jimmy Hendrix spoke "They shall be back, and with more to mope about. Those undead will never stop." His words were true and wise. As we had heard reports of more boycotts on games. "What will happen to our brave Escapist Faction? Can they handle this many angry undead? Or will they emerge victorious?" Was the headline for everbody.
As we got ready, so did they. They're armies grew stronger, and lacked more in the english language. Some say, they could hear it from a mile away. Words like "leet" and "Pwnz" and "noob" were feared by everybody. Jimmy Hendrix tryed to calm the massive crowds down with some songs like Smoke on the water. But not a chance. This would cost us most dearly.
We waited atop a giant castle. Getting ready to reinact that final battle, in the second Lord of the rings movie. "Here they come" said TheNamlessGuy. We started to hear them chanting, "Escapist Faction are big Noobz!" Over and over again. "HOLY MOTHER OF 14 CHILDREN!" Came from BloodyThoughts, "That is one huge crowd of
fanboys undead!" Jimmy Hendrix played his best song as we marched onto battle. We were brave, even though we were out gunned. This was a battle we were not to win. Until, a glimmer of hope come from atop a hill.
"What is it?" Said SextusMaximus. "Could it be X box, or PS3? come to aid the undead." But no! once the light faded, we could then see it was noneother than Valve! Bringing with them hero's like Gordon, and Zoey, and Bill and Louis! Francis with his duel shot guns and Bill with his broom. Gordon with his Gravity gun , and the Counter terrorists from Counter-Strike, using what ever weapon they could find. But in the back held the best of them all. The Steam Community! All chanting "Escapist Faction FTW!". It was fabled (by Jimmy Hendrix of course) that out in the wastelands they were still living on. We were uncertain at first. We double checked our eyes. But it was true! We then knew, that this battle was won.
In this epic battle, thousands were slaughtered. Innocents and there puppies, all murdered. But, in the end, the undead had lost. Their whole batallion lay dead on the floor. We all hoped it worked. We all hoped it was true. None of them were left. So we can keep rocking to our tunes. We thanked Valve for all it's help, and then, suddenly they dissapeared. No one had know what had happened. But what we did know. Is that this story will be told for a long time to come.
[HEADING=1]Chapter 3[/HEADING]
The time is 2080, almost 30 years from the tale of the Chan faction. Their idiocy and poor grammar died with them. The current time is fantastic, Beatles, Jimi Hendrix and Ink Spots galore! - Every man and woman had a specially designed computer, in order to play whatever game their heart desired!
Arguments were settled easily and the Mods would keep a special eye out for trouble makers, a ban would have resulted in the member being thrown out of the Faction, but since people could still cause trouble, bans were punishable with death... A luxury death, mind - any choice of the banned member, as Nam liked to keep things civil.
The faction have no idea what lurks outside there walls, not zombies, or undead. Not the forgotten chan factions either, but in fact a monster so unbearable, so incomprehensibly bad-ass and strong - that even the Mods would take a coffee break while it went rampant.
The monster was a fable, some "nuclear mythology" if you will, but in fact it was very real, a very disturbing creature which goes by the name of: SOMNIUM PARDUS, the generic dragon and his generic master: Dave the fisherman, who plans to bring back the fallen Chan faction by stealing the whole supply of SFJ Brand Serum and the two uneaten pizzas lying next to it.
Every month, the Escapist Faction would be given their regular supply of SFJ Brand Serum, in order to prevent death; however a mist is rising, cleverly tactitioned ninjas from Dave the fisherman's lair have been set out to steal SFJ Brand Serum from the faction, their dirty tricks were only matched by the purity (and copious amounts of whiskey) from each of the Factions members.
The fishermen carefully tiptoed over empty beer cans and partly ripped books on Cthulhu mythos, blades in their hand, they whipped into their ninja mask and suit, giving them a +5 to dexterity and +8 to stealth, nearly impossible to notice. They sneaked past the guards and robbed a portal gun from the storage closet, the four of them found a series of cubes, and using the portal gun - took out every single threat-posing turret.
As they stepped further, FactualSquirrel's super sensory hearing picked up footsteps, he grabbed a whiskey bottle and sneakily walked up to them, as he got five feet away, a poorly animated quick time event started in which Factual beat the living shit out of Ninja number 1, yelling for his friends to join, the QTE stopped and a battle begun. It was Nam's turn first, he unleashed his trumpet upon his opponent sending DementedTeddy, Furburt and Darth Caelum in to head butt Ninja 2, knocking off 60 hit points.
Next up was lycanthrope, who summoned the Dropkick Murphy's, who in turn rocked the shit out of the second ninja - 1000000 hp knocked off, 2 down, 2 left to kill.
BloodyThoughts sent a raging lightning flame of instant fury and decimating unoriginality onto Ninja 3, originally decimating 40hp, but he got hit-crit, delivering double damage onto his opponent.
I looked onwards as the Escapists ended their turn, waiting for the opposing Ninjas to strike - knowing that I had something that could destroy anything - a Yu-Gi-Oh playing card, which if used - could bring up a demon most unholy, that its belly button could take out an entire army - it would probably use other body parts more efficiently, though.
Ironically, despite the Japanese influence on the ninjas - they hated JRPGs and decided to start a CS:S server within the Faction, adding +3 to the Faction's pissed levels.
BloodyThoughts took a shotgun, Nam stuck with a machine gun, while Factual Squirrel's sniper rifle glistened in the sunlight.
The ninjas took 'uber' weapons, ninja 3 took a rocket launcher, while ninja 4 took a Mauler.
Ninja 4 shot Nam in the leg, but the health packs took care of that without a problem.
FactualSquirrel took advantage of this, and no-scoped Ninja 4 in the head, a comical message saying PWNED! appeared on the TVs and everyone chuckled. Ninja 3 was at this point -scared shitless- as Nam overided everyone's music players with power metal, Sextus switched the slow-motion switch on and everyone watched in awe, as the n00by ninja 3, blew himself up accidentally.
The Faction won this round, but from miles away, 'Dave the Corrupt' cackled along with his mighty dragon, evidence suggests he was listening to AC/DC at the time, but this theory was never proved.
What will happen?
(Shown next time - only on the Escapist Faction)
[HEADING=1]Chapter 4[/HEADING]
The Escapist Faction kept strong, expecting an attack from Dave the Corrupt. It was feared by most. Some didn't want to fight. Some were so afraid they shit their pants and blew their brains out.
"We must send in some spies from TF2, we need evidence if we want to launch and attack on Dave!" BloodyThoughts exclaimed."If we decide to, I will lead the team, my Suicidal teleport can teleport a mass amount of people."
"No no no! It would be to dangerous! It would be a suicide mission!" Sextus said, trying to convince Bloody. " We all know no one can survive that many trolls, and we all know they are the masters of the art of flame"
"But, Commander Shepard did something like this in ME2" Said Bloody again, trying to to hide the fact that he is wrong." If he can do it, especially my annerexic jack ass of a character, anyone can."
"Oh well great you spoiled it for the ones that don't own ME2" Namless said, sort of angry. "And plus, it's a video game, of course the good guys will win. That doesn't prove anything."
Things were getting tense with the Faction leaders. Argueing just kept happening, while Daves armies were getting stronger and stronger. Dave the Corrupt would do anything for that serum. The mods, they couldn't do anything. The 30 years of peace and happiness were drawing to an end, and they were to be replaced with even more years of war if the Faction can't stop Dave.
We were growing weak when compared to Daves armies now. Surely a fight we are not expected to win. Even though we proved the people wrong in the last war that said we wouldn't win. Rumors were now spreading that Dave was planning on ressurecting the Chan faction to win. This could happen, but not likely. Some were even saying that the Faction was thinking of splitting up. It was time to adress these rumors.
"There have been many rumors going around. That Dave the Corrupt was thinking of ressurecting the Chan Faction. Or that the Faction was thinking of splitting up." The Faction Leader Namless spoke with worry of how the citizens would react to his comments." These Rumors, or theories, or what ever the hell you want to call them, they are all... Plausible."
The crowd starting to scream of fear. Everyone was going absolutly ball off the walls crazy! "IT'S A MAD HOUSE! "Yelled Cuddles the Cat, saying world of apes quotes" A MAAAAD HOUSE!". Everyone was basically screaming like this. This was definitly a crisis.
"Now hold on settle down everybody settle down. "Namless started to speak again" I said these were plausible, not confirmed. We have no idea what he is do-"
All of a sudden, BOOM! A huge explosion hit the top right corner of the forums, leaving a huge gapping hole there. We then saw a horrible sight. The Chan Faction! The rumors were true, he did ressurect them! And he hit us at the perfect time! We never knew he could be so crafty!
"Everyone to Arms!" Sextus, Bloody, Factual, and Namless yelled, grabbing their weapons. The battle had just begun.
They were stronger than we had thought. They even were worse when trying to speek English. Something we deemed impossible. It was just too much for us. And this time, Steam was no where to be. The Red Faction was dead, and the city of The Escapist was in ruins. The SFJ brand serum along with the pizza's next to it were gone. We had little soldiers left. Only Lilith and Brick from Borderlands, about 50 Escapians, and the leaders of the faction.
"Well folks." Bloody started to state." We were just... just...-" He was stumbleing on the last word, or slang. "P-P-P-Pwned!"
"Yes, but we need to get that serum back. Or else darker times are to come." Namless proclaimed." That monster will be unleashed, and with that anf the new ressurected Chan faction, he will most certainly rule the world."
"So, we gotta breach his base and take back the serum!" Sextus yelled, thinking he was crazy." That's suicide!"
"Think about the future. Would you rather have future full of trolls and 4 Chaners along with Michael Atkinson becoming the ruler of the galaxy, knowing that we did nothing to stop it, or die trying?" Factual said all in one breath, sort of sounding like Yahtzee.
"Well if we are going to do this, we will need some weapons don't ya think?" Bloody Thought.
To be continued....
[HEADING=1]Chapter 5[/HEADING]
A series of platforms rose into the air, as Faction members rose with them - about to enter the Armour and Weaponry closet. Nam was just about ready to kick some more nonsensical-grammar arse and take the Undead Chan faction out once and for all, those fuckers had been stepping on our turf far to long and it was the first step to take before getting the serum back.
The Factions members were starting to deteriorate as the serum's effects wore off, they had only a clich頡mount of time (24 hours) to get the serum back, else they would be dead forever, presuming the idiotic Chan faction didn't use us as undead minions.
Every single member was pissed off, as the Faction was tearing to pieces...
Meanwhile, on the roof of the Faction's headquarters; Sextus and Bloody were on guard duty, Sextus' sniper penetrated the skull of a daydreaming flying-monkey. They pissed him off so much.
Bloody began to talk "Hey Sextus, do you think we can do this? I mean it's not like we can pull of this, I think were fucked - but hey, that's me". "The odds are over a billion to one that we can pull this off, do I think we can? - No, but we'll damn well try!"
The other members were packed and ready, their armours giving them a +7 to strength.
Namless started talking and his words shone in everyone's minds, even Furburt stopped playing Forum Games In order to listen. "Today, we will fight - and though we are facing defeat - a mighty battle it will be... We have about 58 good soldiers, they have thousands. Despite facing imminent death, we will battle onwards!".
Every man and woman who listened, cheered like a fat kid with a hot girlfriend. Their weapons shook in the air, and they all gained a +10 to willpower.
The time was now, Snipers, Shotguns, SMGs, Rifles and many more guns were held tightly by soldiers, as they marched towards the abyss, known as /b/. No sane man had ever exited alive, and now we stepped in to their battleground, their walls, as we fought to regain our serum.
Anonymous gazed forward and laughed, as their leader uttered those incomprehensible words that their army were waiting for. "733t h4x0r3 - k177 t3h n00bs!".
The mighty army of anonymous charged forward, all wearing V for Vendetta masks and chanting "1t3 n0t 7upu5!!!" - the battle had commenced, a truly epic fight for the ages, but what do you expect? Peter Jackson directed it...
The Escapist mightily ploughed through 100s of Anonymous, destroying and decimating everything that lay in their wake, they were outstanding and brutal, Chanians were crushed and blown up as Sextus battered away people with his shotgun, Lycanthrope rocked everyone the fuck out with his amazing guitar solos and Nam devastated crowds with his suicidal teleport device.
Perhaps things were going well for the Escapians, as they wiped out over half of the Chanians with their skills.
There and then, Nam exclaimed "Screw Thermopylae, this is Escapist!" and the Chanians fell down, crippled and bloodied - as the Escapians shot their remaining dead while listening to the new compilation album: 'The Beatles on Acid collection'.
The Escapians had capture the anonymous leader, who wouldn't reveal the location of the Serum, they had no choice but to torture him, they gave him a helmet and forced him to listen to Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus songs. "th15 5h1t 15 w0r53 th4n k4r3n 5l4ught3r!!!" he exclaimed. The Escapians removed his helmet, only to realise he had died from the amount of faggotry he was forced to listen to.
The serum was no where to be seen, it would appear as though it had been shipped somewhere else, and god help us all if it was used to fuel Dave's epic monster. The corrupt man would face an onslaught of Escapians.
But the Escapists had work to do, they needed evidence of where the Serum was shipped to.
Continued next time - only on the Escapist !
[HEADING=1]Chapter 6[/HEADING]
Back at the still rebuilding Faction base, a meeting was held to get ideas on how to find where Dave's domain lies, and the best way to get there. "Well men, we did a good job and actually did not die! It so kicked that faggotry that is 300's ass." Nam gloated, which we let him cause it was true. "But, Dave has still got that serum and probably trying to find a way to fuel that monster with it as we speak!"
"Nam is right, we need to get someone on the inside or at least get some evidence showing where Dave lives!" Sextus shouted out. Bloody soon said , "I got 50 bucks that he lives with his mother, and that his mother just doesn't know what the hell is going on."
"Well in that case we can't go and destroy an old ladies house, I say we go with what you wanted to do before the attack." Factual proclaimed. The rest of the group agreed."But, lets not leave it to any TF2 spies, lets do this on by our selves."Namless blurted out. His plan was actually quite genius, a troll would say l33t. Soon the time came to head out, we left the Faction with a good bye, and set out on an epic journey. The made sure that they had enough food, water, and guns if they got caught, along with a boombox to listen to music with and a few Jacobos to ride on.
--------3 hours later--------
They were getting closer and closer, they came across a bridge. The troll bridge. So totally not like the one on Doraleus and Associates, nope we don't plagiarize in the Faction except for then The troll spoke, "What're you doing at my bridge?" His voice boomed over the Deep Purple that was playing on the boombox,"We have come to ask if we may cross your bridge, for you see troll, we are on an epic quest to basically save the world!" Bloody yelled up to him. For some reason, he grabbed Bloody was, picked him up, sniffed him and threw him to the ground, -10 HP. "How come you smell like bloody fecking blood?" he said with an ear piercing yell. "Well you see your trollness, my name is Thoughts...BloodyThoughts. I am pure blood and am immune to head shots." BloodyThoughts said, paraphrasing James Bonds....poorly we might add. "Well punt humans, if you want to cross my bridge you gotta guess my name!" Again the troll said with a booming voice. Sextus whispered to Namless "Hey Namless, isn't there a theory, that who ever doesn't have a name, knows all names?" "Yeah, there was, and it's true. HEY TROLL! Your name's....Bob." ......"You are correct, damn i was really looking for a fight scene.
"Alright everyone lets pass on and cross the bridge." Factual said, being very...well factual.
-------1 hour later-------
It was one full day since the troll talked to them, and they had already almost run out of food, and barely had any drinkable water. Times were looking tough. "I've got a plan, that involves someones Jacobo." Bloody wearily said, thinking the others would not agree with him. "What we have to do, is cut one of these bitches open, so we can have some chicken tonight!"
"Hmmmm, ok I guess the person the loses their Jacobo can ride on some one elses." Nam agreed. "Let us have chicken!
So, they cut one of the Jacobos up, and made a rotisserie over a fire, we then placed the meat on the stick.
--------2 hours later------
The crew was stuffed on chicken, and at the wrong time, cause out of the blue. Bam some raiders come and started causing havoc. "Oh come on, can't we ever have a nice dinner with anyone trying to kill us!" Sextus yelled out.
"Rawr! were scary! Give us all your stuff you fuck ass mother fuckers!"
BAM! CH-ch came from Bloodies shot gun. The head of the raiders was blown off, thanks to V.A.T.S. aiming system! "I love it!" said Bloody, thinking he is doing an endorsement for a commercial. The rest of us punched holes into the raiders, blowing every piece of flesh off their bodies. A gory, and awesome sight indeed. Namless then said "Quite quite Indeed Quite indeed!" Then Factual yelled at him saying, "God damnit you just like pissing me off saying that don't you!" "Hey you two, stop fightin' or you both get to taste the power of my duel shotguns!" Yelled Bloody, Sextus then said "Or me putting a hole between your eyes with my sniper" They quickly stopped arguing.
"Well, I'm stuffed, time for the adventures to continue!" Namless said
"Shall we have fillers, lord Namless." Sextus asked
"God no, fillers take too long to make, and most of them end up stupid, wheres the fast forward button?"
He then pressed the fast forward button, and it ended up like this-
-1 hour , no-2 Hours, nope, 3 Hours uh uh, 4 Hours aha! Heres where we get to his base!
"Well that was easy enough, why didn't we do that for everything though?" Bloody said.
"DON'T ANGER THE TIME GODS!" Namless blurted out.
We approached Daves Domain, "Well I lost 50 bucks, unless his mom is inside there!" Sadly, she wasn't. It was only and army of henchmen. "Ok guys" Sextus announced quietly" We gotta take out 4 of these guards, so we can take their armor, and blend in. When someone talks to you, it is going to be hard to speak their language, but you gotta try. Got it?
"Got it" We all said, and silently we killed 4 of the guards and put on their uniforms.
"SHHHH! Y0U NUB!" Yelled one of the henchmen.
Dave began to speak. "My dear Chan faction, my faction alone. We have lost a battle, to 58 fecking guys! I mean seriously! we could have had a little bit more effort you fucking noobs!"
"S077Y S17!" The all yelled out.
"Now, in our before battle where we crushed them alive! We stole all of their SFJ brand serum, and now, I think I know how to fuel the monster with it.! " Dave said giving an evil smile, and for some reason, speaking clean, proper English!
What will happen to the game?
Will they get their serum back?
and why the hell haven't we included Furburt in our tag along groups?
Find all this out and more next time!
Same Snakedate!
Same Snaketime![/left]
