The beginning of a story which I'm writing.

[The Stonker]

Hey guys I have posted one thing and I read through it again and man it was a load of bullcrap but here is something I want to show you all and I want you to judge it,yes I know my grammar is not the best.
P.s. I'm 16 so nothing great is going to come from me at this age





The road to England is quite a dangerous place.
You can meet bandits,thieves,murderers and pillagers but there is one thing that is the most dangerous of them all and I like to call them rangers.
Men who stride among the path of titans and fight daemons to bear so that they can only become the strongest and hope to be bested one day by a fellow lad.
On this road is a man who has only one goal of traveling such a dangerous road.
He wants to die and he wants to die quick.
Now this man is quite handsome he's 170 cm tall and has a shaggy beard which smells like roses but that is probably because the last time he got pounced ,he fell into a bush of crescent red roses which did sting quite alot but it certainly was better then falling on the oval rock which sat right next to the bush like a hermit waiting to rot away.
Now this man has quite the interesting story to tell for one he fought a giant and survived only by a few inches and then he had dived into the Loch ness just to check for treasure and sea monster babies.
Richard! Yelled a redhaired girl in a blue dress.
Why are you departing with us so soon? I wanted to spend more time with you.
Well said Richard with a faint sound of embarassment,I just wanted to suprise you.
How you twisted fool? replied the redhaired girl which in fact was quite beautiful.
Because if I left you all then you would have been in shock right?
Right.
So that way I can give your life a little meaning and hope by leaving you here to grieve my department.
So you rotten scoundrel you make love to me,punch my father and then just leave without giving anyone any notice?
Yes that's correct and I have to go now I'm losing my courage to talk to you and on that moment he jumped on the horses back and rode as fast as he could because he knew that that girl could handle a gun and in the irish way.
Now to understand this situation we have to go a couple of days back in time when Richard first came to this little village and decide to have some fun for a change.
A little over a week ago Richard arrived into this little cottage filled with life and dancing maidens who were only on their early twenties so he stared at them with glee.
But being a thirty year old man with a shaggy beard,dark brown hair and green eyes wasn't the most exciting thing a woman could desire but Richard has something that no other man had.
He could speak french.
Okay some men could speak french but he could atleast fake it to the extent that it sounded like french.
Now finally stopping from a 12 year travel throughout the world and then comming back to England and just wanting to see his home.
Richard realized something strange well something extremely bizzare and couldn't be described by words.
He saw his house burned to dust and in the dust were letters which said in big and defying tones.
I HATE YOU RICHARD!
Oh said Richard with a calm and felt very befundled with him self, I guess I have annoyed someone.
Going off the horse and leaving his luggage behind to check on the ruins was no easy task because he had traveled the world and from all the corners of this dirt written globe there you could see all kinds of things.
Noodles from Japan.
Kaviar from Russia.
And underwear from Kenya which had leopard printing on it which he wanted to see a lovely lass where but then again not wearing them or not wearing anything at all didn't bother him.
So,Richard said when he was searching in the rubble which he called home.
I've been traveling for 12 years and people love me so much, fantastic.
If Richard really wanted to do something in this issue which wasn't really an issue then he could have gone to the pub and asked the bartender who knew everything about the town who had burned it down, he would have probably spoken about someone who just liked staring at the fire and dancing around with it naked with other people.
So being a gentleman he picked up one of the wooden shafts that used to be a house but had been downgraded into ruins and putted it into his bag.
Finally! Yells a man who was wearing a very white apron and some googles to protect his eyes.
RICHARD! MY SON! Your back! And in that brief moment of steaming romance between father and son he took him and hugged the life force out of him well literally Richard passed out.
Oh where am I? Shrugged Richard with an icy tone and a baleful breath.
Your here son! You're back home and safe from the world!
I promise I will never leave you out of my sight son! I promise!
Now dad you must not be so drastic when it comes to love you know how much I despise it.
Well son you just have to learn you see and did you know that you have a new mother!
She's quite the lass and...Richard interupted his fat father who was still wearing that silly apron.
Are you mad? Mother died only 6 months ago and your jumping around with someone else and with a clean look of disgust in his face he punched his father with so much rage because he had never knew that he had been such a whoremonger.
Why did you do that lad?
Because I thought you loved mother!
Well no I didn't I married her because of you and then with a final gasp of air he took Richard and threw him out with the force of heaven and earth.
Hmpf Richard shrugged this man shouldn't be allowed to live and then clearing his throat and heading towards the pub.

 

[The Hairminator]

Needs more and better punctuation, and and quotation marks when people speak. Also, some of your sentences are oddly built, very long, or frankly made no sense.

You also don't have to start on a new line for every sentence you write.

 

[Marmooset]

Rule 1:
Unless the finished project is of at least novel length, or you're pitching to a prospective publisher (and not then, either), it's best NOT to share a story with the public, friends/family, etc. until you have at least completed the first draft. Opinions, both positive and negative, tend to discourage completion of the project in question, whether through discouragement or - strangely enough - satisfaction.
Writers, like most performers, thrive on affirmation. If you get it after the first six paragraphs, the drive to continue with the work diminishes greatly. Strange, I know, but this is not something I've pulled outta my ass.

In other words, come back when you've finished your assignment.

 

[Mockingjay]

Make this the concept for the begining of your story. The idea is there but your writing style isn't as sophisticated as it could be. You need to build up around this frame work and make it clear and coherent for a reader who cannot 'see' your idea the way you can in your head. Read the first few chapters of a 'Harry Potter' novel. You'll notice that everything is elabourated on, nothing is thrown into the fray without an introduction or a build up. I know that J K Rowling isn't the greatest of writers and the 'Harry Potter' series is far from perfect but she has written an entertaining novel, and you should focus on making this as clear and as entertaining as you possibly can.

 

[The Stonker]

Haha I'm just testing new things and I really don't know if this style fits me because well trying to create my own *huck*.

Make this the concept for the begining of your story. The idea is there but your writing style isn't as sophisticated as it could be. You need to build up around this frame work and make it clear and coherent for a reader who cannot 'see' your idea the way you can in your head. Read the first few chapters of a 'Harry Potter' novel. You'll notice that everything is elabourated on, nothing is thrown into the fray without an introduction or a build up. I know that J K Rowling isn't the greatest of writers and the 'Harry Potter' series is far from perfect but she has written an entertaining novel, and you should focus on making this as clear and as entertaining as you possibly can.

And yes I was trying to simplify my texts because I showed some to other people and they didn't get words like "drastic","enlighting","Retribution" you get the roll.


But yes I'm just practising so no one will be a master at first.

 

[the rye]

Ok upon reading the text i noticed you commited a vital mistake. Remember to SHOW don't tell. This can't be stressed enough. "He wants to die and he wants to die quick." Ok do not tell us this show the reader through character development. Remember to be subtle, the reader should not be informed through narration, if a character wants to die it should be expressed in the characters dialogue, expression, dispoition and actions. i hope this helps and i don't mean to come across as harsh.

 

[lokust2001]

"Now this man is quite handsome he's 170 cm tall"

I think you can safely lose the 170cm tall part, also better description than quite handsome. Story writing is about trying to create the image in the readers head, not just providing a list.

Also, never use ALL CAPS TO SHOW SHOUTING!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Haunted Serenity]

Make this the concept for the begining of your story. The idea is there but your writing style isn't as sophisticated as it could be. You need to build up around this frame work and make it clear and coherent for a reader who cannot 'see' your idea the way you can in your head. Read the first few chapters of a 'Harry Potter' novel. You'll notice that everything is elabourated on, nothing is thrown into the fray without an introduction or a build up. I know that J K Rowling isn't the greatest of writers and the 'Harry Potter' series is far from perfect but she has written an entertaining novel, and you should focus on making this as clear and as entertaining as you possibly can.

True but JK Rowling is the easiest example of how to succeed in writing and how to properly set up the story. Other ones are more subtle or less known.

 

[Loop Stricken]

And then John was a zombie. Also I saw "steaming romance between father and son" and... yeah.

 

[Mockingjay]

Make this the concept for the begining of your story. The idea is there but your writing style isn't as sophisticated as it could be. You need to build up around this frame work and make it clear and coherent for a reader who cannot 'see' your idea the way you can in your head. Read the first few chapters of a 'Harry Potter' novel. You'll notice that everything is elabourated on, nothing is thrown into the fray without an introduction or a build up. I know that J K Rowling isn't the greatest of writers and the 'Harry Potter' series is far from perfect but she has written an entertaining novel, and you should focus on making this as clear and as entertaining as you possibly can.

True but JK Rowling is the easiest example of how to succeed in writing and how to properly set up the story. Other ones are more subtle or less known.

I love her. She is not a typical literary great. She leaves almighty plotholes, her writing styles is simplistic at best and I know lots of people hate the 'Harry Potter' series for that, but no one can deny that she created a fantastic world full of interesting characters, concepts and places which make you wonder what is happening outside the microcosm of Hogwarts.

Yeah she is a very good example of how to succeed. The structure of her books is very clear as well so that's why I recommended it =]

 

[Haunted Serenity]

Make this the concept for the begining of your story. The idea is there but your writing style isn't as sophisticated as it could be. You need to build up around this frame work and make it clear and coherent for a reader who cannot 'see' your idea the way you can in your head. Read the first few chapters of a 'Harry Potter' novel. You'll notice that everything is elabourated on, nothing is thrown into the fray without an introduction or a build up. I know that J K Rowling isn't the greatest of writers and the 'Harry Potter' series is far from perfect but she has written an entertaining novel, and you should focus on making this as clear and as entertaining as you possibly can.

True but JK Rowling is the easiest example of how to succeed in writing and how to properly set up the story. Other ones are more subtle or less known.

I love her. She is not a typical literary great. She leaves almighty plotholes, her writing styles is simplistic at best and I know lots of people hate the 'Harry Potter' series for that, but no one can deny that she created a fantastic world full of interesting characters, concepts and places which make you wonder what is happening outside the microcosm of Hogwarts.

Yeah she is a very good example of how to succeed. The structure of her books is very clear as well so that's why I recommended it =]

Even with the plotholes it flows like a bumpy dirt road. Full of character and faults you can relate to. It's a nice read but it's not simple writing it's just easy to. Unlike some books i have which introduces so many characters and expects you to remeber you each one is. Harry potter is instant i can remeber the scarred little bugger. Those books just suck you in though.

 

[Macheteswordgun]

As Biggie said. Mother fucking right my pockets lookin kinda tight.

 

[Dango]

It's not bad really, you need to be a bit more indirect though. What I mean by that is you're just listing off traits for some of the characters, you need to bring these kind of things to the readers' attention gradually, through observation and dialogue. Also, being more descriptive wouldn't hurt.

 

[Bobic]

Your here son! You're back home and safe from the world!

I've seen plenty of people get your/you're muddled up but rarely have I seen it done within 3 words of a correct usage.

On that topic, your grammar throughout is pretty bad. Lack of speech marks, odd sentence structure and so on. Also, do you know what a paragraph is?

 

[foxlovingfreak]

Honestly it feels really discounted none of it at this stage makes any sense to me. It's important that everything in the story feels conected in some way and not just of random events that are hapening. Also if your in to writing I highly recomend the Stephen King book on writing it filled with alot of good pointers for the aspiring writer and if nothing else makes a great read.

 

[DuplicateValue]

Now this man is quite handsome he's 170 cm tall and has a shaggy beard which smells like roses but that is probably because the last time he got pounced ,he fell into a bush of crescent red roses which did sting quite alot but it certainly was better then falling on the oval rock which sat right next to the bush like a hermit waiting to rot away.

This line ran on almost to the point of being comedic.

Also, no need to be so specific about things - the fact that he is 170cm tall isn't something the reader needs to know, and it breaks the flow of the writing. Be more vague in your description, just say he was "tall" or "of average height" (whichever 170cm happens to be).

On this road is a man who has only one goal of traveling such a dangerous road.

It's not good to repeat the same word so close to itself (the word here being "road") - it's boring, and could make the sentence seem muddled.

Also, punctuation is definitely something you need to work on, along with structure.

 

[The Stonker]

Your here son! You're back home and safe from the world!

I've seen plenty of people get your/you're muddled up but rarely have I seen it done within 3 words of a correct usage.

On that topic, your grammar throughout is pretty bad. Lack of speech marks, odd sentence structure and so on. Also, do you know what a paragraph is?

I know my grammar is terrible and I do need to fix it but what you guys aren't realizing is that I'm just practising your not going to expect something great or fantastic from practice material.

Now I know being a grammar nazi is sometimes good but you don't have to be so mean about it.

And P.s. I was trying to set a story in a time which well people waren't known for their elegant language.
Plus they were rednecks to be exact.

 

[Bobic]

Your here son! You're back home and safe from the world!

I've seen plenty of people get your/you're muddled up but rarely have I seen it done within 3 words of a correct usage.

On that topic, your grammar throughout is pretty bad. Lack of speech marks, odd sentence structure and so on. Also, do you know what a paragraph is?

I know my grammar is terrible and I do need to fix it but what you guys aren't realizing is that I'm just practising your not going to expect something great or fantastic from practice material.

Now I know being a grammar nazi is sometimes good but you don't have to be so mean about it.

And P.s. I was trying to set a story in a time which well people waren't known for their elegant language.
Plus they were rednecks to be exact.

I wasn't expecting something great or fantastic, just something passable.

Oh, and your characters being rednecks doesn't excuse bad grammar and lack of elegance outside of their speech.

And yes I do have to be mean about it. You'll learn more that way.

 

[Spinozaad]

Try to use Ockham's Literary Razor, which can be explained as simply 'less is more'. Take every sentence on its own, and look at what can be cut without the phrase losing its intended meaning.

However, this can only work if you look at structure and flow as well. Every phrase has to follow up or to preceed one. If this doesn't add up, you'll have a literary non sequitur, which will only confuse the reader.

Also, in this specific case, take up an angle of narration and stick with it. You're switching between an 'active narrator' (a third person perspective in which it appears as if a third person is actually telling you the story) and a 'descriptive narrator' in which the setting and events are simply described from a third person's view.