The beginning of a story which I'm writing.

[Tallim]

Rule 1:
Unless the finished project is of at least novel length, or you're pitching to a prospective publisher (and not then, either), it's best NOT to share a story with the public, friends/family, etc. until you have at least completed the first draft. Opinions, both positive and negative, tend to discourage completion of the project in question, whether through discouragement or - strangely enough - satisfaction.
Writers, like most performers, thrive on affirmation. If you get it after the first six paragraphs, the drive to continue with the work diminishes greatly. Strange, I know, but this is not something I've pulled outta my ass.

In other words, come back when you've finished your assignment.

This is so true. The only reason I am getting anywhere with my current novel is I refuse to discuss it with anyone. Older attempts went down the pan as soon as I described them to people. It is a really strange phenomenon.

Needs more and better punctuation, and and quotation marks when people speak. Also, some of your sentences are oddly built, very long, or frankly made no sense.

You also don't have to start on a new line for every sentence you write.

Yeah, you're right, but I've got a pun for that.

Maybe he's copying Yahtzee?

How's that?

He's using Zero Punctuation!

Ba dump, psh!

I get it!

 

[The Stonker]

Your here son! You're back home and safe from the world!

I've seen plenty of people get your/you're muddled up but rarely have I seen it done within 3 words of a correct usage.

On that topic, your grammar throughout is pretty bad. Lack of speech marks, odd sentence structure and so on. Also, do you know what a paragraph is?

I know my grammar is terrible and I do need to fix it but what you guys aren't realizing is that I'm just practising your not going to expect something great or fantastic from practice material.

Now I know being a grammar nazi is sometimes good but you don't have to be so mean about it.

And P.s. I was trying to set a story in a time which well people waren't known for their elegant language.
Plus they were rednecks to be exact.

I wasn't expecting something great or fantastic, just something passable.

Oh, and your characters being rednecks doesn't excuse bad grammar and lack of elegance outside of their speech.

And yes I do have to be mean about it. You'll learn more that way.

I know,I know your techniclly not being an asshole but rather nice by teaching me .

So I will take this to a point and then I will just go to the way I wrote in the first place and perfect that style.