The Best One-Liners

[Nickolai77]

Blackadder, and in fact anything written by John Elton is full of hilarious one-liners.

Bishop of Bath and Wells: You fiend! Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the church?!

Baron von Richthofen: Ha ha ha! You English and your sense of humour! How lucky you English are to find the toilet so amusing! For us, it is a mundane and functional item...for you, the basis of an entire culture!

 

[Me55enger]

Bang.

And because I would get another meaningless forum warning for a short post, I will add this sentence also.

As far as I know, that doesn't work for escaping low content warnings.

Well some kind gentlemen of the Moderator kind just gave me a probation warning for a post I made 2 months ago. Reaction speeds like that would make Darwin hang his head in shame.

OT, and vaguely ironic:

"Judgement Time." - Dredd, 2012. Karl Urban was crunk in that.

EDIT: Nevermind, it seems they were looking for it. Cute.

 

[the7ofswords]

I'm a big fan of the classics ... Groucho Marx, for instance:

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."

Mrs: Claypool: "Mr. Driftwood, three months ago you promised to put me in society. And in that time you've done nothing but draw a very handsome salary."
Otis B. Driftwood: "You call that nothing? How many men do you know drawing a handsome salary these days?"

"I intend to live forever, or die trying."

? And then there's Firefly:

"Well, my time of not taking you seriously is coming to a middle."

"I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you."

"You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with until you understand who's in ruttin' command here."

"You're welcome on my boat. God ain't."

 

[CrazyGirl17]

Tough call, but I'm going with this:


Bad. ASS.

 

[Mike Fang]

"I don't know what the hell's in there, but it's weird and pissed off, whatever it is." - Clark, John Carpenter's "The Thing".

 

[CrazyCapnMorgan]

- "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."

- "I never forget a face, but in your case I?d be glad to make an exception."

- "I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'"

- "Shit... You shoot me in a dream, you better wake up and apologize."

Speaking good ol' Quentin, this one might not be a one-liner, but I'm still gonna leave it here because it's a classic:

Jimmie: No, No, No, No, let me ask you a question. When you came pulling in here, did you notice a sign out in front of my house that said "Dead ****** Storage"?

Jules: Jimmie, you know I ain't seen no...

Jimmie: Did you notice a sign out in front of my house that said "Dead ****** Storage"?

Jules: No. I didn't.

Jimmie: You know WHY you didn't see that sign?

Jules: Why?

Jimmie: 'Cause it ain't there, 'cause storing dead niggers ain't my fucking business, that's why!

And then you have the Phoenix Wrong version of that:


I think the only one liner that I can think of off the top of my head, and that I've recently been playing, is:

 

[Johnny Impact]

"After all, we're married!"
"Consider that a divorce."

"What was it you said to me before....oh yes, 'Yippee ki-yay, ************.'"

"Now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb."

"I want you....to get outta my face!"

 

[Mister K]

From... "They live" I think it's called:
I came here to kick ass and chew bubble gum. And I am all out of bubble gum."

 

[Henkie36]

I didn't fight my way to the top of the foodchain to be vegetarian. - Unknown

Funniest thing is, on the outside, I was an honest man, straight as an arrow. I had to come to prison to be a crook. - Andy Dufresne

Jarvis! Sometimes you've got to run before you can walk. - Tony Stark

Can you bring me the gun of Rambo?
Part 1, 2 or three?
I've only seen part 1.
The M60. Would you like the armor piercing rounds? - Lord of War

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. - Unknown

If you want to go fast, travel alone. If you want to go far, travel together. - African proverb

It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's the fat. - Al Bundy

And of course, the cheesiest one of all:
All I want is to be back in charge. And besides, who would you be without me, Prime?
Time to find out. [Optimus badassly slams facemask shut]

 

[Frezzato]

"You know what happens to a toad when it gets struck by lighahahahaha......" only joking

Here's one from the great Tommy Cooper "I'm on a whisky diet, I've lost 3 days already."

I'm assuming you've never watched the X-Men DVD with director's commentary. Bryan Singer was talking with someone, I think he was the director of photography, and Singer apologized for the line about the frog and the other guy goes:

"It croaks."

Singer lost his mind, was all like, "Why didn't I talk to you about this first???"

 

[Bobic]

"Stay thy hand fair prince"
"Who said I'm fair?" *shoots guy with uzi* - From the classic re-imagining of Hamlet Starring Arnie

"But you're a doctor, you're not allowed to hurt people"
"You my friend, have a terminal case of stupidity" *shoots crossbow* "Consider yourself cured" - Bruce Campbell.

"Midget, midget, midget, how he struts and winks,
For he knows a man's as big as what he hopes and thinks!" - Vonnegut, to end on a classier note.

 

[DefunctTheory]

"Stay thy hand fair prince"
"Who said I'm fair?" *shoots guy with uzi* - From the classic re-imagining of Hamlet Starring Arnie

'To be, or not to be... Not to be.' /Explosions

I would watch that movie.


'That's right. I've killed women and children. Killed just about everything that walks or crawls at one time or another. And I'm here to kill you, little Bill.'

More of a badass boast, to be honest, but there's a lot of one line dialogue in that film.


'We all have it coming, kid.'

 

[Terminate421]

"Agent Washington, you just got-"

"You shot church you team killing fucktard!"

"Why try when you can give up?"

"So hermione just stole all our shit..."

"Piece of cake!"

"Relax, Id rather not piss this thing off."

"War, war never changes"

"That man is playing galaga!"

 

[Azure23]

Firefly-Shindig

*Mal holds sword to opponent's throat*

Second: finish him, for a man to lie defeated, but alive, it makes him a coward

Mal: mercy is the mark of a great man *gouges guy's chest* unfortunately i'm just a good man *does it again* well, I'm alright.

 

[wickedmonkey]

"I've got better things to do tonight than die."

-Springer

 

[Vegosiux]

*walk up to bandit on the world map*

"Now, Guards, you stand no chance against me, 'cause I'm actually four blokes!"

*cue the battle screen fighting 4 bandit thugs*


-----

*mook gets blown up next to a save point*

"He really should have saved first..."

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BONDARI RELOADS...

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"Mr. Coolidge, I've made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you."
"You lose."

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(not a one liner, but definitely said in a single breath)

"Ok, I've just about had my FILL of riddle asking, quest assigning, insult throwing, pun hurling, hostage taking, iron mongering, smart arsed fools, freaks, and felons that continually test my will, mettle, strength, intelligence, and most of all, patience! If you've got a straight answer ANYWHERE in that bent little head of yours, I want to hear it pretty damn quick or I'm going to take a large blunt object roughly the size of Elminster AND his hat, and stuff it lengthwise into a crevice of your being so seldom seen that even the denizens of the nine hells themselves wouldn't touch it with a twenty-foot rusty halberd! Have I MADE myself perfectly CLEAR?!"

 

[MrHide-Patten]

I don't know if it constitutes a one liner, but I always love/remember this one from Rock N' Rolla; "Think before you drink, before you drive me mad."