The Conundrum of Relationships

[Trivun]

Inspired by this thread: http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.240548-Help-me-see-into-the-mind-of-a-guy

Basically, my answer to the question posed in the thread (about whether the female OP should do anything about a guy she suspects may like her) was pretty much that she should talk to him and make the first move, because men shouldn't always have to do so. As a guy, I feel pressured usually to make the first move with a girl. Never mind that according to my parents, I "can't see what's right in front of" me (there has been the odd occasion in the past when I've completely not realised a girl liked me until it was much too late). I don't understand why there has to be so much pressure for the guy to "man up" and "grow a pair of balls", and ask a girl out, especially in the modern day, when girls are increasingly making the moves to find a boyfriend rather than the other way around.

Now, I'm pretty sure most of you will just reply that I should get some confidence and just pluck up the courage to ask a girl out if I like her. But that's just it. I have plenty of self-confidence, I'm a likeable guy who has no problem talking to strangers and whatnot. Having the courage to do something like that isn't the issue. The issue is the whole idea of asking a girl on a date. And the issue applies to girls as well. A lot of girls who like a guy don't bother making the first move, they expect the guy to do all the running instead, and if the guy is shy or nervous (even if they, like me, are normally really outgoing and personable), that just isn't going to happen. And everyone loses out.

So what are The Escapist community's thoughts on this subject? How many guys here wish girls would just ask a guy out instead, for once? And I'm especially interested to hear the opinion of girls on this matter too.

[small]DISCLAIMER: For the record, I do actually live with two girls, and I've got plenty of female friends. Talking to girls in general isn't the problem here, before anyone suggests I just need to meet and talk to more girls...[/small]

 

[Blue_vision]

Duh, both sides should step up whenever they feel anything. Probably not always "HEY WANNA GO ON A DATE?", but the guy shouldn't always be the one running around, especially when he can't always be relied on to do so.

 

[BonsaiK]

Society is sexist, and people are raised with gender roles, often whether they like/realise it or not. If you want to live in mainstream society and meet girls, you either have to navigate sexism in culture, or get in touch with girls who reject these kinds of cultural notions.

 

[Irridium]

Well, I completely agree. I'm sick of the whole "man up" thing. Its doesn't help shit, and its just annoying. Not everyone is a massive ball of macho-manliness and not everyone can work up courage that easily. Not saying that there's anything wrong with it, but it being the basic answer is just stupid as hell. Everyone is different, so "manning up" won't work for everyone.

I would love if a girl came up to me and asked if I wanted to do something sometime. And I'm sure most guys would love that as well.

 

[Dango]

I'm pretty similar. I don't have a problem talking to girls, and I have plenty of self-confidence, but I would most certainly have a problem asking a girl out. And it's starting to annoy me how I'm expected to make the first move, if a girl likes a guy, she should be expected to be out him out, too. I can be nervous and sensitive, too, dammit!

 

[nunqual]

It would have been weird if my current girlfriend asked me out. I would feel awkward for some reason.

Asking a gal out ain't that hard once you've done it before. I know everyone says that, but it's true. You just have to throw caution to the wind, shut off the 'judgement tape' that's playing in your head, and just ask.

 

[The Seldom Seen Kid]

Yes please.

I definitely don't have a problem with chatting it up with girls. It just seems like as soon as the prospect of "relationships" (and thus, "reject") comes up, I clam up.
I've only ever managed to get one date so far, and I'm 16. Kind of makes me feel late.

I wish girls would just come up and ask for a date. Would make it much easier.

Oh, and no cutesy subtle hints like smiling and touching your hair, please. I'm terrible with signals.

 

[JUMBO PALACE]

Girls should absolutely step up to the plate. My girlfriend had a crush on me for a YEAR but was scared to talk to me at first.When she finally did speak to me she waited for me to ask her out.

 

[JUMBO PALACE]

I've only ever managed to get one date so far, and I'm 16. Kind of makes me feel late.

Do NOT feel that way bud. I got my first girlfriend when I was 16 and our 2 year anniversary is on Friday. It doesn't matter how many girls you go out with, as long as they're good ones.

 

[Paksenarrion]

I think it's more of a case of "He/She is way out of my league. I'm just going to stare at him/her and get my jollies any way I can."

 

[Legion IV]

Lol whats the point really? Relationships only really end not all so i guess try but really theres not a big point. I only ever dated once. Lasted 2 years then i broke it off.She went into the. I gotta explore and try things i've never tried before (drugs mostley) But really you dont gain alot from a relationship. Love yourself find your passion and your set. You dont need somomne in your life.

Women are a funny bunch. My friend is the nicest guy ever his GF said he was to nice and just bland so she dumped. Then you find those same women who then somehow find the SCUMMIEST men on earth stay with them cause they love them then ruin the lifes of those around them for the next month because of the ensuing drama until it eventually ends.

Alone>>>>Relationships.

 

[Mr Montmorency]

I've dealt with a lot of bullshit regarding girls not making the first move. I once ended up coming to the conclusion that she wasn't interested because she never made any indication of liking me until very later on, when she told me after I asked why she was being so vague with her answers to the questions I posed about myself. At that point, I knew her enough not to like her, but the point stills stands, if she was interested, she should have fucking said something.

 

[arsenicCatnip]

Am I wrong for kinda wishing that guys would make the first move for me? Every guy I've dated in the past few years, I've been the one to make the 'hey, we should totally do something sometime' push. Even my current boyfriend... I was the one to speak to him first, ask him out, and do the work to get myself moved out to be with him.

 

[Trivun]

Am I wrong for kinda wishing that guys would make the first move for me? Every guy I've dated in the past few years, I've been the one to make the 'hey, we should totally do something sometime' push. Even my current boyfriend... I was the one to speak to him first, ask him out, and do the work to get myself moved out to be with him.

You're not wrong to want that. I think at the end of the day, unless you're super-confident to the level that no normal person is, nobody particularly wants to be the one to do all the running and make the first move. It's just that for so long it's been expected that the guy has to do all that, so it's only fair that the girl should be expected to do her part as well and not just expect the boy to come chasing after her. People say "the fun's in the chase" but that's really just a load of bollocks.

No, you're just feeling exactly the same thing us guys feel, and really wish for. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

[arsenicCatnip]

Am I wrong for kinda wishing that guys would make the first move for me? Every guy I've dated in the past few years, I've been the one to make the 'hey, we should totally do something sometime' push. Even my current boyfriend... I was the one to speak to him first, ask him out, and do the work to get myself moved out to be with him.

You're not wrong to want that. I think at the end of the day, unless you're super-confident to the level that no normal person is, nobody particularly wants to be the one to do all the running and make the first move. It's just that for so long it's been expected that the guy has to do all that, so it's only fair that the girl should be expected to do her part as well and not just expect the boy to come chasing after her. People say "the fun's in the chase" but that's really just a load of bollocks.

No, you're just feeling exactly the same thing us guys feel, and really wish for. There's nothing wrong with that.

Part of the fun is the chase. Part of the fun is BEING chased. Maybe we should try to be more egalitarian about it, girls. Chase as often as you run from the boys.

 

[Nickolai77]

So what are The Escapist community's thoughts on this subject? How many guys here wish girls would just ask a guy out instead, for once?

I'm in a very similar situation to you, hell I even live with two other girls like you do.

If push came to shove, i could ask a girl out, but i hate how the males are expected to do it. But, as Bonsai said, we are raised into certain gender rolls, and in many way's society is still sexist, you either conform or find other non-conformists like yourself. My last girlfriend was a bit of a non-conformist, she's the one who asked me out, nothing would have happened between us if she hadn't made the move.

I hate the idea of chatting girls up too, because you don't feel honest and genuine as a person. I want a girlfriend who knows who's shes dating, i'm no liar, i won't exaggerate stories of my bravado or manliness, i'll be myself thank you very much.

Another thing that annoys me about guy's having to make the first move is that you have to know that you like them and want to date them. Hell, i'm an indecisive bugger who's never quite sure if a girl would be right for me or not. It feels like your taking a big risk, and i'm no risk taker. Plus, and perhaps this is tied to my indecisiveness, i don't get the kind of romantic feelings with girls like i used to get in my teenage years, and that hardly motivates me to ask girls out.


But...i completely sympathise with girls who would rather not be in a culture were they have to make the first move....ideally, i just wish things would be 50/50...


Edit: After reading this thread i've now got Motorhead's "The Chase is Better than the Catch" stuck in my head. I quite like Motorhead, but hell i carn't relate to that song at all.

 

[Thyunda]

Lol whats the point really? Relationships only really end not all so i guess try but really theres not a big point. I only ever dated once. Lasted 2 years then i broke it off.She went into the. I gotta explore and try things i've never tried before (drugs mostley) But really you dont gain alot from a relationship. Love yourself find your passion and your set. You dont need somomne in your life.

Women are a funny bunch. My friend is the nicest guy ever his GF said he was to nice and just bland so she dumped. Then you find those same women who then somehow find the SCUMMIEST men on earth stay with them cause they love them then ruin the lifes of those around them for the next month because of the ensuing drama until it eventually ends.

Alone>>>>Relationships.

Now I'm thinking completely the opposite. You do need someone in your life, otherwise you trigger a feeling that something's always missing. Humans, as a species, aren't meant to live alone. That's why we feel more comfortable among friends, and having one bad relationship doesn't say they're all bad. Okay, so me and my girlfriend only passed the year mark a couple of days ago, but she's a lovely girl, and our relationship really couldn't be any better than it is now.
Hell, she's making me a proper breakfast 'cause I travelled a hundred miles to come see her again.
Breakfast-making women ftw.

 

[Priddo]

I've never asked a girl out, yet had girlfriends... Maybe I was just lucky? I've not had that manly girls I've liked tbf, but I've ended up dating the majority of them, without ever asking them out.

 

[MelziGurl]

Aside from the fact that my mother has always said to me, "Women show the interest, it's up to the man to make the move", I just don't have the courage to be the person who asks. So, I'm happy to show my interest, I'm good at making that known. However, if other women feel comfortable asking the guy out then so be it.