The Dark Humor Thread

[Paragon Fury]

Abandon all hope and faith in humanity, ye who enter!

That warning out of the way, I figured it might be if we at the Escapist hit each other with some of our best/worst dark humor jokes, puns etc. Because while we're all trying to make the world a better place, sometimes you just need to punch someone in the soul.

I'll go first.

Spoiler

 

[The Almighty Aardvark]

Spoiler

What sound does the cow make?

Spoiler

"Moo"

What sound does the cat make?

Spoiler

"Meow"

What sound does the dog make?

Spoiler

"Big... Bruh-ther?"

 

[PsychicTaco115]

If a mentally handicapped person smokes weed...

Spoiler: Going to Hell Express

Do they become a baked potato?

 

[bartholen_v1legacy]

A guy calls to work one morning. "I'm not coming to work today, I'm pretty sick." Boss says: "Okay, fair enough." Later that day, while out on business, the boss realizes he's close to the sick employee's home. He decides to pay him a visit to see if he's fine or needs anything. When he walks into the house, he finds the employee having really enthusiastic sex with a girl on his sofa. "Hey!" the boss says, "I thought you were sick!"

To which the employee responds: "I am sick! She's dead!"

What's the best part about having sex with twenty three year olds?

Spoiler

There's twenty of them

Why do people say women aren't meant to cook when they already have milk and eggs inside them?

What do spreading butter on bread and getting a woman to spread her legs have in common?

Spoiler

You can do them with a credit card, but it's usually easier with a knife.

 

[Ihateregistering1]

How do you make a dead baby float?

Spoiler

One part ice cream, two parts dead baby

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Spoiler

Nothing, you already told her twice

What's the difference between an onion and a hooker?

Spoiler

I don't cry when I'm cutting up a hooker

What's the worst part about being a pedophile?

Spoiler

Trying to fit in

Also, OP, can you explain your joke? Are you talking about the movie "World's Greatest Dad"?

 

[Rasputin1]

Spoiler

I never cared much about World War 2 jokes, Anne Frankly they disgust me.

 

[The Almighty Aardvark]

Also, OP, can you explain your joke? Are you talking about the movie "World's Greatest Dad"?

Ever watch Fullmetal Alchemist? If not, it won't really mean anything to you (Neither would mine)

 

[Tortilla the Hun]

How would you know if your house has been robbed by an Asian?

Spoiler

They'll still be in your driveway trying to back out.

What do you call a 7 year old with no friends?

Spoiler

A Sandy Hook survivor.

The hardest thing about having to euthanize my mother...

Spoiler

...was my erection during the procedure.

How did the coroner discover Princess Diana had dandruff?

Spoiler

He found her Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment.

What's 18 inches long and makes women scream?

Spoiler

SIDS.

 

[Asita]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

Also, OP, can you explain your joke? Are you talking about the movie "World's Greatest Dad"?

Oh...it's the guy holding it.

Spoiler

 

[infohippie]

I like my women the way I like my whiskey:

Spoiler

Twelve years old and mixed up with coke.

I called that rape advice line the other day...

Spoiler

Turns out, it's only for victims.

 

[Dizchu]

Ughh, go on then.

I was raped by a gang of mimes...

Spoiler

They did unspeakable things to me

 

[Ihateregistering1]

Also, OP, can you explain your joke? Are you talking about the movie "World's Greatest Dad"?

Ever watch Fullmetal Alchemist? If not, it won't really mean anything to you (Neither would mine)

Ahh, gotcha. Yeah I tried to watch it, made it about 2.5 episodes in and it was just "too anime" for me.

 

[The Almighty Aardvark]

Ahh, gotcha. Yeah I tried to watch it, made it about 2.5 episodes in and it was just "too anime" for me.

If you don't mind reading manga, in my opinion it's the best way to experience it. Even in Brotherhood where they followed the manga, the transition was pretty messy and it left it feeling too anime. Although I didn't like the ending particularly, the manga had some really great moments (Some of which were captured in Brotherhood).

Shit. I need a dark joke to keep this on topic.

What's the difference between an ISIS training camp and a school?

Don't ask me, I just fly the drone.

 

[Ihateregistering1]

Joke to start off: what do the 3 million battered women in America have in common?

Spoiler

They don't fucking listen.

Ahh, gotcha. Yeah I tried to watch it, made it about 2.5 episodes in and it was just "too anime" for me.

If you don't mind reading manga, in my opinion it's the best way to experience it. Even in Brotherhood where they followed the manga, the transition was pretty messy and it left it feeling too anime. Although I didn't like the ending particularly, the manga had some really great moments (Some of which were captured in Brotherhood).

Shit. I need a dark joke to keep this on topic.

What's the difference between an ISIS training camp and a school?

Don't ask me, I just fly the drone.

I imagine it might be. I don't have anything against anime, but the moment the characters do that thing where they suddenly transmogrify into weird-face Leprechauns...things...

I lose all interest. It was especially weird in Fullmetal Alchemist, because 1 minute it comes across as this ultra-serious show, and then the next minute it's this dumb goofy kids' show.

Stunk too, because the concept was quite cool.

 

[Neonbob]

What would it take to reunite the Beatles?

Spoiler

Two more bullets.

Paddy is over at Ian's house, helping out after Ian broke both his legs. Ian asks Paddy to go upstairs to his room and grab his slippers. Paddy goes upstairs to Ian's room, and Ian's twin 19 year old daughters are lying on Ian's bed, stark naked.
"What the hell are you doing here," they ask.
"Your father sent me up here to fuck the both of you," Paddy says.
"Prove it," say the twins.
"Hey Ian, just one or both?" Paddy calls down.
"Both! What's the point of just fuckin' one?"

 

[Asita]

You know, I just remembered that Christopher Titus had material along this vein. Long story short, context is the child molester clergy scandal from a few years back. So let's see here, we have a dark context which is alluded to in the bit and a dark solution (go biblical and crucify them), used for comedy.

Spoiler

 

[TheIronRuler]

Damn, the humor here is so dark it got whipped and started picking cotton.

Here's some Holocaust jokes:

Spoiler

Two Jewish kids were fighting with each other in the showers. One threw a bar of soap at the other and then the other cried out, "Hey, don't involve parents!".

Where was the highest concentration of Jews during the holocaust? The atmosphere.

What's the difference between Santa Clause and a Jew in the Holocaust? Santa Clause comes through the chimney and out the door, the Jew goes the other way.

Two Nazi guards walk around Aushwitz, when one asks the other - "Hey, do you smell Caramel?" The other replies, "No, that's just the diabetics".

A Nazi guard at a work-camp stops a young boy and asks him his age. "I'll be eight in a week", he answered meekly. "Optimistic, eh?", the guard replied.

 

[JamesGoblin]

Does she count as dark humor? She certainly does in my book:

Spoiler

 

[Paragon Fury]

Okay, super dark joke ahead. You've been warned.

Spoiler

Why don't you see many black women in porn?

Spoiler

Because they don't have any daddy issues to motivate them.