The Depressing Thread
- Thread starter Mossberg Shotty
- Start date
Recommended Videos
...
Fuck it, I will throw my hat into the ring(despite everyone else going through way worse shit than I did/am, Kudos to you others,especially to you, Caramel Frappe; you guys are strong people).
So recently, things have been pretty good for me, if only in relation to how awful 2013 was. Current problems include: exams on the horizon (2 weeks from now, then a break of a single week before they all begin piling on), my mum being depressed, problems with the flat in which we live in, my brother acting like a complete self-destructive asshole because he still hasn't gotten over his ex leaving him(1.5 years mind) and general attitude problems for myself(lack of motivation, complacency, lack of certainty in education, etc.).
So, 2013:
-My aunt and my grand-dad died(incredible stress for my mum)
-General sense of loneliness in platonic and non-platonic terms
-Identity problems/crises, linked to the loneliness
-Sense of weakness and inadequacy(in terms of assertiveness, defence and educational ineptitude)
-Started Sixth Form(last two years of high school) in the best college this side of London(so high expectations, and a lot of responsibility)
Seriously, 2013 was a shit year, my mum faced a lot of problems at work because she had to go back to our home country often to take care of the fallout left behind by her sister's and dad's deaths, mostly caused by her other relatives who were being absolute pricks to her(she once went to a family meeting(as in, all cousins, all relatives of the same surname) and because she wanted to move my grand-dad into a care home(he had severe problems with his prostate, and he received insufficient care at home) they thought she was using it to take his property as quickly as possible, then after the deaths, my cousins took my grand-dad's properties all to themselves(my mum didn't care, but whilst he was alive, they made him sign off his will to them)and other generally nasty things which I won't go into further detail).
As for my brother, like I said, he split up with his girlfriend about 1.5 years ago, and he is still 'living without a purpose', he travelled a lot in these past few years, has gotten dangerously intoxicated multiple times(resulting in real harm to him) and just being generally harmful to himself and others. This didn't help my mum either.
So yeah, a shit year, I am glad it finished, as for now, things are starting to become more stable, aside from the other things I mentioned, things look a lot better than before. To me, personally, it hasn't been all that bad, it was mostly watching bad things happen to people who I care about(despite me and my brother being distant, and my mum from an entirely different generation and way of thinking).
Hopefully, things will continue going in a good direction, well, unless Ol' Man Putin decides to initiate World War III, in which case, I call dibs on the sweetrolls!
Fuck it, I will throw my hat into the ring(despite everyone else going through way worse shit than I did/am, Kudos to you others,especially to you, Caramel Frappe; you guys are strong people).
So recently, things have been pretty good for me, if only in relation to how awful 2013 was. Current problems include: exams on the horizon (2 weeks from now, then a break of a single week before they all begin piling on), my mum being depressed, problems with the flat in which we live in, my brother acting like a complete self-destructive asshole because he still hasn't gotten over his ex leaving him(1.5 years mind) and general attitude problems for myself(lack of motivation, complacency, lack of certainty in education, etc.).
So, 2013:
-My aunt and my grand-dad died(incredible stress for my mum)
-General sense of loneliness in platonic and non-platonic terms
-Identity problems/crises, linked to the loneliness
-Sense of weakness and inadequacy(in terms of assertiveness, defence and educational ineptitude)
-Started Sixth Form(last two years of high school) in the best college this side of London(so high expectations, and a lot of responsibility)
Seriously, 2013 was a shit year, my mum faced a lot of problems at work because she had to go back to our home country often to take care of the fallout left behind by her sister's and dad's deaths, mostly caused by her other relatives who were being absolute pricks to her(she once went to a family meeting(as in, all cousins, all relatives of the same surname) and because she wanted to move my grand-dad into a care home(he had severe problems with his prostate, and he received insufficient care at home) they thought she was using it to take his property as quickly as possible, then after the deaths, my cousins took my grand-dad's properties all to themselves(my mum didn't care, but whilst he was alive, they made him sign off his will to them)and other generally nasty things which I won't go into further detail).
As for my brother, like I said, he split up with his girlfriend about 1.5 years ago, and he is still 'living without a purpose', he travelled a lot in these past few years, has gotten dangerously intoxicated multiple times(resulting in real harm to him) and just being generally harmful to himself and others. This didn't help my mum either.
So yeah, a shit year, I am glad it finished, as for now, things are starting to become more stable, aside from the other things I mentioned, things look a lot better than before. To me, personally, it hasn't been all that bad, it was mostly watching bad things happen to people who I care about(despite me and my brother being distant, and my mum from an entirely different generation and way of thinking).
Hopefully, things will continue going in a good direction, well, unless Ol' Man Putin decides to initiate World War III, in which case, I call dibs on the sweetrolls!
Oh god... I don't think I can top anyone in this thread but i'll try:
I'm 19, currently going to community college, wanting to get into a 4 year art school but I simply can't seem to grasp the concept of basic math, to the point where I'm actually cheating constantly to get by which is pretty depressing in my eyes. That and the 4 year I plan on transferring to would make Richy Rich broke from the tuition, so the thought of my parents not being able to support me cause we're so middle class, and the fact that I CANNOT get a job because I live in the worst town to get such a simple thing is truly truly frightening me for the future. With all this in mind, I've been procrastinating more and more with school work, because all I want to do is to hang out with my friends and see the love of my life which I'd be lucky to see for less than half a day once a week. The lack of social interaction may actually be killing me. Playing video games, chatting with my friends (non-face to face), or with my family who I see more face to face... I don't know, even with all that apparently keeping me socially busy I still feel alone.
Oh yeah, and recently I found out I have insomnia that keeps me from staying awake for two classes (yay all nighters!). AND I recently decked my best friend, whose been my best friend since mid grade school to last week, because he had the audacity to call my girlfriend an inevitable slut for being pansexual. I slept that night kinda tearing up at the thought, because I knew with the crowd he hung out with near the end of senior year, that something like this would happen eventually. I tend to take the loss of friends very seriously (thanks Persona 4).
I'm 19, currently going to community college, wanting to get into a 4 year art school but I simply can't seem to grasp the concept of basic math, to the point where I'm actually cheating constantly to get by which is pretty depressing in my eyes. That and the 4 year I plan on transferring to would make Richy Rich broke from the tuition, so the thought of my parents not being able to support me cause we're so middle class, and the fact that I CANNOT get a job because I live in the worst town to get such a simple thing is truly truly frightening me for the future. With all this in mind, I've been procrastinating more and more with school work, because all I want to do is to hang out with my friends and see the love of my life which I'd be lucky to see for less than half a day once a week. The lack of social interaction may actually be killing me. Playing video games, chatting with my friends (non-face to face), or with my family who I see more face to face... I don't know, even with all that apparently keeping me socially busy I still feel alone.
Oh yeah, and recently I found out I have insomnia that keeps me from staying awake for two classes (yay all nighters!). AND I recently decked my best friend, whose been my best friend since mid grade school to last week, because he had the audacity to call my girlfriend an inevitable slut for being pansexual. I slept that night kinda tearing up at the thought, because I knew with the crowd he hung out with near the end of senior year, that something like this would happen eventually. I tend to take the loss of friends very seriously (thanks Persona 4).
I'm pulling for you, internet stranger.Trude said:
I was reading about that pill, the MBerry [http://mberry.us/], which changes how your tastebuds pick up different things, and somebody thought it would work for their chemo as well. Granted, I don't know what the issues really are with chemo, but somebody out there was willing to give it a try.
I'm confused.RoonMian said:
I respect for everyone in this thread, moreso towards the other guys who lived through such pain.
I am not trying to make myself feel any better in doing so, I just wanted to word out the problems in my life right now, not trying to make myself think that "it could be worse, oh well!".
I apologise if I came across in that manner, but I assure that the intent you are inferring is not the one I posted for.
You know what sucks about having a mother with mental instability?
How much of her being a massive ***** is down to her illness, and how much is down to her just being an honest-to-god bad person? That's the funny part! You can't tell!
I am this close to cutting off contact with that woman entirely. People forget that mentally ill people can also just be fucking horrible people too.
How much of her being a massive ***** is down to her illness, and how much is down to her just being an honest-to-god bad person? That's the funny part! You can't tell!
I am this close to cutting off contact with that woman entirely. People forget that mentally ill people can also just be fucking horrible people too.
Depressing story's, yea I got a few.
I've been a punching bag for my mothers rage and anger all my childhood and at the age of 13 my mother almost murdered me. I remember her violent animalistic rage, I turned to leave but before I could she was behind me, one hand clawing at my face pulling my head back the other pressing a kitchen knife into my throat. I remember her screaming that she was going to cut my face into ribbons and how dare I turn my back to her. I remember the serrations on the knife blade pressing into my throat making it hard to breathe. I got lucky and managed to survive, many don't. I still wonder why no one figured out what was going on, why no one came to save me. I don't think that?s a question that ever leaves someone that?s been through this kinda stuff.
Many years ago I finally got my shit sorted and joined the Army best job I ever had, I really felt like I belonged there, was going to stick with it till retirement.
But during training I got ill, very very ill. I now have chronic fatigue syndrome and chronic pain, had to leave the Army and now I can't do any job. I've had this condition for years now the pain is overwhelming and never ending. I don't remember what it feels like to not be in pain any more. I can barley walk some days and I never stop feeling exhausted, my body is broken and I am a prisoner in my own home and then there?s the joy of constant cluster headaches and migraines, worst one I had lasted 3 weeks.
But all of that pales in comparison to the bad days, luckily they don't happen too often. you see people writhing in pain in movies, well I know for a fact that they are doing it wrong. There's a lot more whimpering and crying for one. It's strange how the whimpering helps even if there's no one to listen. The pain overrides every thing I try to curl up into the fetal position but all my muscle's are super tense and locked up so I just squirm and writhe and cry.
The pain there is no way to describe it, it feels like every tendon and muscle in my body is slowing curling up and tearing them selves of my bones little by little. Of course that's not really happening but its the only way to describe it I know that might give you an idea of what its like.
But I'm still hanging in there, each day is a battle, each day I hang on to see the end of is a victory. I know others who have chosen to exit early. I choose to fight on for as long as I am able, I have no desire to exit early but all I'm earning for my fight is another day of pain it kinda gets ya down you know.
I've been a punching bag for my mothers rage and anger all my childhood and at the age of 13 my mother almost murdered me. I remember her violent animalistic rage, I turned to leave but before I could she was behind me, one hand clawing at my face pulling my head back the other pressing a kitchen knife into my throat. I remember her screaming that she was going to cut my face into ribbons and how dare I turn my back to her. I remember the serrations on the knife blade pressing into my throat making it hard to breathe. I got lucky and managed to survive, many don't. I still wonder why no one figured out what was going on, why no one came to save me. I don't think that?s a question that ever leaves someone that?s been through this kinda stuff.
Many years ago I finally got my shit sorted and joined the Army best job I ever had, I really felt like I belonged there, was going to stick with it till retirement.
But during training I got ill, very very ill. I now have chronic fatigue syndrome and chronic pain, had to leave the Army and now I can't do any job. I've had this condition for years now the pain is overwhelming and never ending. I don't remember what it feels like to not be in pain any more. I can barley walk some days and I never stop feeling exhausted, my body is broken and I am a prisoner in my own home and then there?s the joy of constant cluster headaches and migraines, worst one I had lasted 3 weeks.
But all of that pales in comparison to the bad days, luckily they don't happen too often. you see people writhing in pain in movies, well I know for a fact that they are doing it wrong. There's a lot more whimpering and crying for one. It's strange how the whimpering helps even if there's no one to listen. The pain overrides every thing I try to curl up into the fetal position but all my muscle's are super tense and locked up so I just squirm and writhe and cry.
The pain there is no way to describe it, it feels like every tendon and muscle in my body is slowing curling up and tearing them selves of my bones little by little. Of course that's not really happening but its the only way to describe it I know that might give you an idea of what its like.
But I'm still hanging in there, each day is a battle, each day I hang on to see the end of is a victory. I know others who have chosen to exit early. I choose to fight on for as long as I am able, I have no desire to exit early but all I'm earning for my fight is another day of pain it kinda gets ya down you know.
Yay depression!
So here?s my catharsis :
-Return of intense migraines that had been absent for about 6 years. Great way to make working difficult.
-Intense lack of emotional & physical intimacy. I moved out on my own a little while ago, and not having my family (the only people I really trust) nearby has left me very antsy. Never knew how much I would miss a hug. Or someone to talk to honestly.
-Strong loneliness. I?m a solitary person (I?ve had trust issues since childhood because of bullying kids so I?ve had to get used to being alone) but the loss of access to friends I made in university (after graduation) has left me feeling a bit empty. I?ve tried to make new friends, participate in various associations & such, but my trust issues are such that it takes me forever to start trusting someone.
-Lower-mid 20s and have never been in a relationship. This ties in with my desire for emotional & physical intimacy. I?ve actually managed to ask a couple of women out (with no reciprocation), but the sheer length of time it takes for me to develop an interest beyond ?well, she?s physically attractive?, and actually want to ask her out, takes forever. And I expect I will have to be patient, since I work in a field with few women, and tend to have hobbies in which there are few women. Sigh.
-Ze food. I have taken on a good 5-10 pounds in the last several months. I have been trying pretty hard since being on my own to eat right but food is my greatest weakness. This is compounded by the fact I have no desire to exercise? most of it feels pointless & meaningless to me. I KNOW when I get more exercise, I sleep better, I?m happier, I?m more focused but I just can?t get off my ass.
Otherwise, I?m great. I?m working in a field I love, I?ve got hobbies that keep my amused. So I?m not too bad off (compared to some here). Doesnt really help me feel any better about some of my social issues, and yet I am better off than I have probably ever been (psychological bullying messes you up. For a long time...).
So here?s my catharsis :
-Return of intense migraines that had been absent for about 6 years. Great way to make working difficult.
-Intense lack of emotional & physical intimacy. I moved out on my own a little while ago, and not having my family (the only people I really trust) nearby has left me very antsy. Never knew how much I would miss a hug. Or someone to talk to honestly.
-Strong loneliness. I?m a solitary person (I?ve had trust issues since childhood because of bullying kids so I?ve had to get used to being alone) but the loss of access to friends I made in university (after graduation) has left me feeling a bit empty. I?ve tried to make new friends, participate in various associations & such, but my trust issues are such that it takes me forever to start trusting someone.
-Lower-mid 20s and have never been in a relationship. This ties in with my desire for emotional & physical intimacy. I?ve actually managed to ask a couple of women out (with no reciprocation), but the sheer length of time it takes for me to develop an interest beyond ?well, she?s physically attractive?, and actually want to ask her out, takes forever. And I expect I will have to be patient, since I work in a field with few women, and tend to have hobbies in which there are few women. Sigh.
-Ze food. I have taken on a good 5-10 pounds in the last several months. I have been trying pretty hard since being on my own to eat right but food is my greatest weakness. This is compounded by the fact I have no desire to exercise? most of it feels pointless & meaningless to me. I KNOW when I get more exercise, I sleep better, I?m happier, I?m more focused but I just can?t get off my ass.
Otherwise, I?m great. I?m working in a field I love, I?ve got hobbies that keep my amused. So I?m not too bad off (compared to some here). Doesnt really help me feel any better about some of my social issues, and yet I am better off than I have probably ever been (psychological bullying messes you up. For a long time...).
Physical problems =/= psychological ones.RoonMian said:
Knowing that they are not alone can make all the difference in the world to people. It's why support groups exist for various things. It can also in some cases help put things in perspective and help some people realise that their issues are not as large as they previously thought.
No, you misunderstood me. You said other people had it worse. They don't. It's not a competition, you cannot compare suffering. You're not suffering any less because someone else is suffering from something else.Akichi Daikashima said:
Don't let what other people go through make you think that you're not supposed to feel bad and the guilt that comes with such a train of thought if you feel bad anyway.
It seems I didn't make myself clear enough. Sorry about that.Legion said:
This on the other hand, is very true. Things are not so black and white that it is possible to simply categorise levels of "how much somebody is suffering", we all deal with things differently and some things which may not seem bad to some people are much worse for others.RoonMian said:
I'd be hypocritical if I judged you for that. I am terrible at getting my point across most of the time.RoonMian said:
Oh, that!RoonMian said:
Yeah, I know, I just find it hard to articulate my thoughts properly when emotional stuff is involved, I wasn't trying to say what I might have accidentally suggested that I said.(though in reflection it could this one maladptive perspective I used to have when I was younger, to put it simply, I thought that because I live in England, and thus have better chances than my entire family ever did at a successful life, I thought that I am not allowed to complain about it. I realised that it was unhelpful and illogical to think so, but it looks like a bit of it is still there at the back of my head, for which, I again, apologise)
I might follow the Persona route and summon a demon to fight the id inside me.
If only it were so simple... though, does persona deal with the aftermath?Akichi Daikashima said:
Reducing one's social anxiety (as my own depressing example) doesnt automatically make friends magically appear. I am fairly comfortable with people now, when before I would shut down reflexively. However, it has done very little to actually help me make friends; I feel as if I were in a sea of acquaintances. And my ruminations tend to go in nasty directions as well; am I too selfish to be able to actually make a friend? Is there something I missed (social devellopment related) while I was growing up that means that I cant connect with people in any meaningful way? Why do people like being in noisy crowds (at parties/get-togethers/box socials/etc.), I just hate it and is that why I'm never able to get close to them? any number of "what is wrong with me?" reflections can cross my mind, and it is deeply unpleasant. The feeling like something is wrong, but having no clue what.
Ok, now I'm starting to depress myself. Rumination has always been my worse enemy in this respect...
Im an underweight 13 year old player of warhammer 40k and I am the most socially awkward person I know. My best/most hated friend is an autistic brony who can't talk about anything but MLP, his stupid fan fics, and his want to marry/bang a pokemon.
I also have dysgraphia and trichotillomania.
I also have dysgraphia and trichotillomania.
You don't need to apologise for stuff like that, especially not to me. I've written earlier what bullshit goes on in the back of my head.Akichi Daikashima said:
It's an easy pratfall our minds fall into because they mean well but don't actually know shit about themselves and how they work.
For example I used to give myself 100% of the blame for all the bullshit that happened to me (I was severely bullied in my nation's version of high school up to attempted murder, kinda). That is a normal reaction. One of the feelings humans have most trouble coping with is helplessness, not being in control of a situation. So instead of accepting you weren't in control of the situation that fucked you up you instead start to blame yourself for it, start to feel guilty about it. Because if you're guilty then you fucked up which means you were in control, you could have done otherwise. But you didn't, asshole. So here you are, sleeping in the bed you've made for yourself, serves you right. But actually, you didn't make it. You just tell yourself so and berate yourself.
So instead of accepting helplessness in a bad situation, which is hard, your mind tricks you into blaming yourself, which makes you sick.
The human mind can be a dick like that sometimes.
And I never played any Persona game. It's a gap in my education, I know...
I've always been alone. Well, not exactly, but it's always felt like it. I mean, I've got friends, but I'm not close to them, and I've always preferred solitary activities over social ones. I have one close friend, who I am extremely grateful for, since she and I are completely open with each other and she's the only one I can talk to about the things that go on in the deepest recesses of my mind. She's got a lot of issues, though, since she comes from a broken home and a horrible family. Her parents are divorced. Her mother is an enigma, and not in a good way. She's completely unstable and unpredictable; the only thing that one can be sure of is that she'll latch on to the smallest things and make a stupidly big deal out of it. She explodes at the smallest provocation, and the worst part is that it's never her fault. She always blames her daughter for everything, even for circumstances that are beyond her control. She's unreasonable, bigoted, prone to making assumptions and frequently insults her daughter by calling her a "freak", "idiot" or what have you. My friend also detests her father for being uncaring and manipulative, as well as for his blatant alcoholism. Supposedly, her extended family is just as bad as her parents.
While I do enjoy being her friend, and it feels good to be able to be there for her when she needs me, there's still a hole in my life. See, as close as we are, we're still only friends. What I need in my life is someone who I can be physically close to, as well as emotionally. There was this one time when my friend offered to let me touch her boobs 'cuz I was curious, but that doesn't count 'cuz that wasn't affectionate groping, and was more like examination. Anyway, what I'm saying is, I feel like I need a girlfriend. There's just this... hole in my heart that I don't think can be filled by anything else, and it hurts. There are a couple problems with this. The first is that I have no confidence in this matter; I consider myself unattractive, boring and strange. I also have extremely significant anxiety problems and some trust issues, both toward myself and others. More than that, though, is the fact that I have difficulty being attracted to people. I look at an average woman, particularly in the face, and my reaction is usually something between disgust and indifference, which I actually feel really bad about, 'cuz I don't want anyone to think that I'm putting them down based on their looks. I also don't like the way that people move and act; there's no energy and I can never tell what they're thinking and feeling unless it's really obvious. What I am attracted to, though, are anime girls. It's very difficult for me to describe why, to be perfectly honest. They just have so much... colour, and I don't mean just aesthetically. I can see what they feel, and they can act with a level of energy and quirkiness that's completely different than how real people act. This is a very disturbing fact to me, honestly; I feel like I'm going to be alone forever, and that void in my life will always be there. It also hurts that there are worlds of girls who look and act really cute and attractive, and I'm stuck in the one with the girls I find unattractive, both in appearance and actions. This whole thing is difficult for me. Sometimes, I just feel... empty inside, and everything hurts because I need love and affection and no only am I not getting any now, but I never will in the future.
Not only that, but I'm quickly approaching the end of my first year studying at university, and to be perfectly honest, if this is what my first year was like, I don't think I'll be able to deal with it in the coming years. If working is anything close to the amount of stress and sleep deprivation that school has been so far, I just want to lock myself in my room and dissolve into nothing. I can't deal with this level of physical and mental exertion.
One last thing: There are a ton of things that I want to do that I just... can't. Not because I don't necessarily have the potential or resources needed; rather, I don't have the confidence or commitment to do it. One thing in particular is that I want to get into streaming video games over on Twitch. I've done it before, and while it was kinda fun, it just felt... pointless without an audience. However, the thought of actually having an audience scares me; I have a tendency to have freak-outs when things don't go well. For example, I was just having a really bad day playing Team Fortress 2, and I just had to stop because I wasn't playing as well as I should be and I started getting mad and hating myself about it. That's another problem with this kind of thing, too; I can't keep a proper schedule because my energy and skill levels fluctuate pretty extremely. One day, I'm dead-on with all of my shots and completely wrecking my opponents. The next, I'm firing every single shot to the left of where they're supposed to go, and when I try to compensate, I aim too far down, and then I start hating myself and wanting to gouge my own throat out because I know I can do better. I don't react very well to challenge and opposition, either; I'm actually scared of playing fighting games online because, while I can deal with AI players well enough that I can beat, say, Score Attack mode in BlazBlue (after they stopped making all of the opponents cheaters with unlimited-version characters), I'm frightened of facing off against other players because I don't know how to deal with them. So, basically, anything that might involve something that I perceive as that kind of challenge makes me freak out, and thus I can't commit to anything of that sort.
While I do enjoy being her friend, and it feels good to be able to be there for her when she needs me, there's still a hole in my life. See, as close as we are, we're still only friends. What I need in my life is someone who I can be physically close to, as well as emotionally. There was this one time when my friend offered to let me touch her boobs 'cuz I was curious, but that doesn't count 'cuz that wasn't affectionate groping, and was more like examination. Anyway, what I'm saying is, I feel like I need a girlfriend. There's just this... hole in my heart that I don't think can be filled by anything else, and it hurts. There are a couple problems with this. The first is that I have no confidence in this matter; I consider myself unattractive, boring and strange. I also have extremely significant anxiety problems and some trust issues, both toward myself and others. More than that, though, is the fact that I have difficulty being attracted to people. I look at an average woman, particularly in the face, and my reaction is usually something between disgust and indifference, which I actually feel really bad about, 'cuz I don't want anyone to think that I'm putting them down based on their looks. I also don't like the way that people move and act; there's no energy and I can never tell what they're thinking and feeling unless it's really obvious. What I am attracted to, though, are anime girls. It's very difficult for me to describe why, to be perfectly honest. They just have so much... colour, and I don't mean just aesthetically. I can see what they feel, and they can act with a level of energy and quirkiness that's completely different than how real people act. This is a very disturbing fact to me, honestly; I feel like I'm going to be alone forever, and that void in my life will always be there. It also hurts that there are worlds of girls who look and act really cute and attractive, and I'm stuck in the one with the girls I find unattractive, both in appearance and actions. This whole thing is difficult for me. Sometimes, I just feel... empty inside, and everything hurts because I need love and affection and no only am I not getting any now, but I never will in the future.
Not only that, but I'm quickly approaching the end of my first year studying at university, and to be perfectly honest, if this is what my first year was like, I don't think I'll be able to deal with it in the coming years. If working is anything close to the amount of stress and sleep deprivation that school has been so far, I just want to lock myself in my room and dissolve into nothing. I can't deal with this level of physical and mental exertion.
One last thing: There are a ton of things that I want to do that I just... can't. Not because I don't necessarily have the potential or resources needed; rather, I don't have the confidence or commitment to do it. One thing in particular is that I want to get into streaming video games over on Twitch. I've done it before, and while it was kinda fun, it just felt... pointless without an audience. However, the thought of actually having an audience scares me; I have a tendency to have freak-outs when things don't go well. For example, I was just having a really bad day playing Team Fortress 2, and I just had to stop because I wasn't playing as well as I should be and I started getting mad and hating myself about it. That's another problem with this kind of thing, too; I can't keep a proper schedule because my energy and skill levels fluctuate pretty extremely. One day, I'm dead-on with all of my shots and completely wrecking my opponents. The next, I'm firing every single shot to the left of where they're supposed to go, and when I try to compensate, I aim too far down, and then I start hating myself and wanting to gouge my own throat out because I know I can do better. I don't react very well to challenge and opposition, either; I'm actually scared of playing fighting games online because, while I can deal with AI players well enough that I can beat, say, Score Attack mode in BlazBlue (after they stopped making all of the opponents cheaters with unlimited-version characters), I'm frightened of facing off against other players because I don't know how to deal with them. So, basically, anything that might involve something that I perceive as that kind of challenge makes me freak out, and thus I can't commit to anything of that sort.
I've been in a friendship very like that, before. "Best/most hated", I couldn't have described it better myself. 1 part greatest companion, 1 part constant, hair-pulling rivalry.Atomic Spy Crab said:
19 year-old guy here. I don't have it nearly as bad as some people here.
I just don't see the point of anything anymore. I can't enjoy anything. I have some weird brain problem that can't be diagnosed and it is ruining my life. I wake up every morning with what feels like a random hangover, I can't stop sleeping, I'm always tired, my brain is always foggy, I can't pay attention in class (or in general) and I still don't have a driver's license, nor the confidence to get one because they are really strict at those in my country and I just don't have the mental clarity to be able to perform such a task as passing the test for one.
I don't have the friends that I'd like to have. I'm very lonely and can't talk to people because my instinct tells me not to bother them. I feel numb inside, I wish I could be awake enough to experience and enjoy life but I can't. I wish I could hang out with all kinds of different people, different races and sexes, but I'm mostly alone. I used to only have people around me that made me feel worse about life, I left them and now they've moved on and made all kinds of fascinating friends.
I also have self-image issues. I can't stand my body, I'm not fat but skinny-fat and I've stopped eating not only because I want to look better but also because I have no sense of appetite or hunger anymore and don't enjoy eating anyways.
I never went to the high school prom because there was nobody to go with. Nobody has ever showed any interest in me or wanted to be in a relationship with me, while my friends are talking about all their relationships and sex they've had. I'm a total kissless virgin, I haven't ever even held somebody's hand.
Add to all this...I'm gay. I can't stand the thought of telling anyone because then I'd be ashamed around everybody. I want a relationship so bad..and hearing about people who had gay experiences growing up makes me feel envious because nobody has ever shown any desire to be with me
It seems like everyone around me is having social experiences I wish I had without making any effort at all. I just wish I could have those experiences.
I just don't see the point of anything anymore. I can't enjoy anything. I have some weird brain problem that can't be diagnosed and it is ruining my life. I wake up every morning with what feels like a random hangover, I can't stop sleeping, I'm always tired, my brain is always foggy, I can't pay attention in class (or in general) and I still don't have a driver's license, nor the confidence to get one because they are really strict at those in my country and I just don't have the mental clarity to be able to perform such a task as passing the test for one.
I don't have the friends that I'd like to have. I'm very lonely and can't talk to people because my instinct tells me not to bother them. I feel numb inside, I wish I could be awake enough to experience and enjoy life but I can't. I wish I could hang out with all kinds of different people, different races and sexes, but I'm mostly alone. I used to only have people around me that made me feel worse about life, I left them and now they've moved on and made all kinds of fascinating friends.
I also have self-image issues. I can't stand my body, I'm not fat but skinny-fat and I've stopped eating not only because I want to look better but also because I have no sense of appetite or hunger anymore and don't enjoy eating anyways.
I never went to the high school prom because there was nobody to go with. Nobody has ever showed any interest in me or wanted to be in a relationship with me, while my friends are talking about all their relationships and sex they've had. I'm a total kissless virgin, I haven't ever even held somebody's hand.
Add to all this...I'm gay. I can't stand the thought of telling anyone because then I'd be ashamed around everybody. I want a relationship so bad..and hearing about people who had gay experiences growing up makes me feel envious because nobody has ever shown any desire to be with me
It seems like everyone around me is having social experiences I wish I had without making any effort at all. I just wish I could have those experiences.