The Friend Zone....................How do you get past it?

[Lord Kloo]

Sorry friend but its almost impossible to escape from..

Alternativly I'll give you a solution to make you feel better, stay friends with her, try and do more stuff purely on the basis of being friends, friends really don't mind doing stuff as long as they like you.

For example, I once asked out a girl who I'd known for about 3 years, in hindsight she would never have said yes but we talked about it and now we're still really good friends and we do stuff all the time like parties and walks around places..

TLDR: Not much you can do other than stay friends with her and eventually you'll find someone else.. it all works out in the end, well most of it does

 

[Vash the Stampede']

Appreciate the comments folks, and I know, I should have said something when I first met her instead of waiting. Being hesitant has gotten me more problems and less rewards than I can think of now and this is just one of those mess-ups.

Yeah, I guess I'll just stick with what I originally planned which is I will remain her friend and not try anything unless she does. I appreciate the link http://heartlessbitches.com/rants/niceguys/niceguys.shtml that jonnosferatu sent and I rather agree with most of it unfortunately. I do not feel comfortable with what I'm doing in life right now and with who I am and I want to change. It held me back during the date because all I could think of was trying to not screw anything up and that's what got me.

I have to become a person I like and respect because how can I expect anyone else to do the same if I can't? Once again I appreciate the help everyone. Have a nice day.............

 

[CaptOfSerenity]

I've been there before, and you're done, son. There's no way out of it, as far as I can tell. Also, never wonder "why is she with me?" because that kind of lack of self-confidence turns girls off, and they'll wonder the same thing eventually.

Speaking from experience, here.

 

[Phasmal]

I put it all on the line with this girl twice one time and she was not interested in me. So I cut her out of my life all together. Be friends if you want to, but there will always be a part of you that wants her.

You can put yourself `on the line` as much as you like, if she finds you unattractive, thats just tough luck for you. Women are not vending machines, you cant just expect to press the right buttons and get what you want if she was never into you in the first place.

Don't put words into my mouth. I don't need you to tell me this at all. There is nothing that I typed that needs a lecture from the likes of you. You have no idea what happened because you were not there. When people type stuff like this, it makes me what to punch them for guessing. No shit that women are not vending machines. Your not a love coach, next time ask what happened instead of going on warpath to give advice.

I'm not sure where I said you said anything there.
But seeing as this related to the friend zone I didn't see why you would put this there it it wasn't relevant.
When you put small bits of things without dilvulging further it leads to people guessing.
Obviously, I thought it was relevant to the OP and I was using the word `You` as more you would use `One` I didn't mean YOU-you. Jesus.

 

[jonnosferatu]

For those who have not studied psychology, fun fact: Continuous exposure to someone's presence without any romantic/sexual undertones suppresses the possibility for romantic or sexual attraction. There is a reason that you do not feel such attraction towards your parents and siblings. A prolonged period of separation involving a number of personal changes can "reset" this, but the effect is real and, presumably, what some people a few decades back determined intuitively and termed "The Friend Zone."

Are you talking about the Westermarck Effect [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Westermarck_effect]? That's only in effect until age 6. Has absolutely nothing to do with adults not being attracted to other adults they meet in adulthood.

Wasn't aware of/had forgotten the time limit there. Thanks for the correction!

The adult response is to ask what happened. Next time just ask. When you type something like this people are going to think your talking about them, it's only natural, come on. It does relate to the post, just ask and I will tell you.

"I put it all on the line with this girl twice one time and she was not interested in me" doesn't leave much to the imagination thematically, and I find it pretty odd that you're getting so belligerently defensive about someone criticizing you on a forum. You don't know each other, there's no way he can affect your life, and he'll have forgotten about this inside of a week regardless. Why worry about what he thinks?

I have to become a person I like and respect because how can I expect anyone else to do the same if I can't? Once again I appreciate the help everyone. Have a nice day.............

My advice is honestly just to pay attention to how you make decisions, and see if you're making any bad excuses for why you should or shouldn't do something.
The two main bad excuses, in my experience:
"I'm worried about what the people around me will think if do/don't do this"
"I'm scared of doing this"*

*If you're a chronic procrastinator, you're probably going to see this one come a lot.

If the worst that can happen if you do something is that someone might find out "who you really are" and not like it, you're probably better off just doing it and finding out - hiding it's just going to stress you out, and if they don't like the "real you," why are you around them in the first place? This obviously doesn't extend to issues related to self-preservation and/or being a huge asshole (e.g. don't pee on your boss's desk, give cops a hard time, etc.), but you'd be amazed at how much nicer life gets when you pay attention to what you think of yourself and not what other people do.
---
I personally got a lot out of reading Tucker Max's stuff. I didn't (and you shouldn't) take it too seriously or try to emulate any significant part of his lifestyle, but it helped me get out of the "Nice guy" mindset described in the HBI rant. My life improved dramatically inside of about two weeks and has continued doing so since. >.>

 

[mortalsatsuma]

I've been in a similar situation before. Spent about 6 months trying to get over it. Seriously, it's just not worth harrasing yourself over it. Just cut your losses and move on. There are plenty of other people out there, and I don't mean it in a poncy generic way. There are literally over 7 billion people out there, you're bound to hook up with one at at least some point in your life. Always look on the bright side.

 

[darkstarangel]

First thing to do is take everyones advice that even comes close to give, cut your loss, pllenty of fish etc & tell em to f*** off. Your asking people to tell you what you can do not what you cant do.

My advice is always be persistant but not in a clingly needy sort of way. Always picture the scenario of a girl your not interested in crushing on you & not getting the hint. Anything they'd do that would put you off is the same for your real life scenario.
Understand that we humans are maleable creatures & can change our minds on a whim, though with women its a difficult case. They can use clothes (or lack there of) & make up to work on us. We men have to actually work at this. But basically, If you've ever developed an attraction to a girl you were never attracted to before, this is the prospect you have to take advantage of.

First of all, maintain that friendship & do it like your in a 'im cool with what happened' sort of way. Dont give her the guilt of your depression. You'd hate it if someone did that to you.
Second, keep talking to her. Relationships are built on communication so build a relationship without her realising it. Then, ask her where you went wrong on the date (this is self explanatory really).
Third, reinvent yourself. So long as you still embody the persona she friendzoned she will always see you as the same you. The fact that girls have wardrobes the size of warehouses full of seldom used clothes & shoes indicates the femanine nature of getting bored with something very easily. Find out what she's into then play on anything you can have a strength in (remember you still have to be yourself, just a self you & her havent seen before) I found that buffing up at the gym really cranked my mojo into overdrive (yes, women are just as superficial as men. This is a fact) Take on something that will invoke a character change but most of all, will attract other women. If you can get other girls to desire you (especially her friends) you will become appealing & if you knock em all back you will become a mystery to her. If she ever asks what the go is dont tell her upfront but keep alluding to hints that your incredibally picky & your perfect girl has to have/be [traits specific to her] but in an obscure manor. Just be constantly persistant & as wiley as the devil & eventually it should pay off. Its alot of work but if she is worth it then its worth the trouble.

Also, check out a book called the five love languages. There are many online tests to find out what yours are the key is to figure hers out to further play on it.
And if you become successful dont get drunk on power stay focused on her, she's your ultimate goal. You have no idea how tempting all the flirts, phone numbers & offers for straight out sex iv gotten over the years. Im even 30 but that still doesnt stop all the 18/19 year olds at my uni from showing interest, but its not cool to take advantage of peoples feelings like that especially if they're not your special one.

Oh & another very important piece of advice. If you want to know anything about women never ever EVER ask a woman. We're guys we're logical creatures & we easily fall into that trap but believe me it is a multiverse of frustration & WTF!s. This hunt has to be done the hard way im afraid otherwise it would have been carved in stone as a holybook millenia ago.

All the luck in the world be with you my friend.

 

[Phasmal]

"I put it all on the line with this girl twice one time and she was not interested in me" doesn't leave much to the imagination thematically, and I find it pretty odd that you're getting so belligerently defensive about someone criticizing you on a forum. You don't know each other, there's no way he can affect your life, and he'll have forgotten about this inside of a week regardless. Why worry about what he thinks?

Gah, I thought I had been on the escapist long enough for it to be known I am of female persuasion. >.< Guess not lol. No harm done.
Rest assured it was not my intention to ruffle anyone's feathers, but having been on the other end of the `Friend Zone`, I assure you its absolutely no fun. I never did anything to encourage the guy, we had been friends when we were kids and were friends when we were older. Everyone kept asking me why I didn't want to go out with him, as if I owed it to him for him being nice to me.

Snip.

Creepy advice is creepy. The girl isn't interested, dude should just move on. Women are not magpies, easily distracted by shiny things.
But what do I know, I'm a woman and apparently I can't be trusted to talk about this stuff