The Friend Zone

[Powertool]

Common Scenario:

You like girl
She displays interest
Things are going very well
Things seem different (not good)
You go to make a move and BAM the dreaded friend zone

Now, here's where things get complicated with me. For the longest time when ever a "friend zone" would come up I would rationalize with myself thinking:

well friends are cool too
maybe in the future this will workout
she is just getting over some issue
am i not attractive?

Recently thought I have almost had an enlightenment of a sort. I do not do "friend zone" at all. If that line comes out I delete her number, do not talk to her, I am still friendly if I see her at school, but I act like I have no interest at all.

This has been working great and for the most part it has actually helped me get in a few good relationships that would have never happened if I played around in the "friend zone" with a girl I was interested in.

I am having a problem though, most of the girls I would just mess around with there was no connection at all. I would have no issue never seeing them again (yes the sex is nice, but I have no interest in long term with them)

I met this girl though were we had so much in common it was almost scary (I even tested her to make sure she was not bullshitting because it was that odd) She was not the most physically attractive girl I have been with, but she was the most intellectually stimulating out of them all. We had an instant attraction to each other and within 15 minutes of meeting her she was in a sense all over me. We continued to see each other for the next month or so and every time we saw each other we were both so satisfied. She even told me after we are together she sleeps better and feels great. Now not all good stories are good...

We went to Denver, CO together (with her best friend and BF) and this is where I noticed a switch. She was almost cold to me, rejecting my hand, not sitting next to me, and other small things that set off an emotional "oh shit." Later that day when we were alone she laid down the line. Even though I have made a system with the friend zone, for some reason I cant stick to it. After that line I pretty much cut off contact by not initiating, but I realized something, She was one of the very few people who I actually "loved."

I have been on dates other people, banged a few others, which many say would help me get over her. The complete opposite is true though, the more people I seem to date the more I want her back. I even had a complete Freudian slip and called a girl by her name.

This is where I need advice. I do not know if I should break contact completely (we went on a few dates after she FZ'd me and they were still great)or just make an exception for this one. I know she loved me back at one point, but is it worth it to keep in contact if there is no chance of that again.

 

[JaredXE]

She layed down the Friend Zone, you are within your right to inform her you don't do that. Call her bluff as it were.

It may sound trite, but women are like buses; you miss one, oh well. Another one comes along in 10. You can't stand the friend zone, I can't stand the friend zone, ESPECIALLY after being close and forming that connection with the girl.

 

[Mr Montmorency]

Ditch her. Just straight up stone cold forget all about her.
I say this for one reason. She clearly knew you were interested, she led you along for a while, then what? Just one day acted cold and told you it aint gonna happen. Thats kinda bullshit. I personally would not even want to be around someone like that.

Exactly my sentiments. That also happened to me before in the same way as described.

 

[Powertool]

Another problem with this is I can easily ditch most girls because I am never this attached, but this one I cant. I told her the friend zone didn't fly and how I'm not going to be that guy that she can cry to when her asshole boyfriends cheats on her and break her heart. She agreed and said she honestly wasn't ready for a relationship and it scarred her how fast we were moving towards one. does that seem like bullshit or would that be a reason to just "be her friend"

double post please delete

 

[Powertool]

I confronted her the next day and told her how the friend zone doesn't fly with me and I'm not going to be that guy who will be there while she cries and tells me about how her asshole boyfriends cheat/whatever. She agreed with me and told me she was kind of scarred how fast we were moving and she honestly was not ready for a relationship. I felt like calling bullshit but I'm not sure.

Oh to clarify, it was not true "lets just be friends" but it was that lines best friend "I'm not ready for a relationship" (not like that changes the outcome but still...)

 

[Mr Montmorency]

There is no such thing as "rushing in too fast" or "I'm not ready" (unless they're on the rebound for the latter). We all know that "this is all too fast" doesn't make sense. Too fast in actuality would be in the bedroom of a keg party in a fraternity. I confirmed my suspicions to myself by asking a girl bluntly if she was dicking me around with these semantics and phrases. She admitted it was.

It's simple. They're not attracted to you, and they'd rather lead you on by giving you vague explanations than be straight with you because it will "hurt your feelings". I don't think there's an excuse for them to be fucking around with your head by planting shreds of false hope when they could just save your time and say "I don't like you".

There you go, a dumpy, "wise" explanation from someone who has been through some crazy bullshit...

 

[Powertool]

That's what my gut was telling me, but hearing it from someone else helps. Thanks!

 

[The Blue Mongoose]

snip

Speaking as someone who has had to slow down relationships, "moving too fast" is a real thing.

It's to do with commitment and fear of being hurt. If she's said she's not ready, surely you asked if there was a potential for a future relationship. If she said yes, then boom, just keep being there for her til she's comfortable and able to commit. That said, don't wait 5 years, be reasonable.

I'd say talk it over with her and find out what she actually wants. You know, like she's a person.

 

[knhirt]

I confronted her the next day and told her how the friend zone doesn't fly with me and I'm not going to be that guy who will be there while she cries and tells me about how her asshole boyfriends cheat/whatever. She agreed with me and told me she was kind of scarred how fast we were moving and she honestly was not ready for a relationship. I felt like calling bullshit but I'm not sure.

Oh to clarify, it was not true "lets just be friends" but it was that lines best friend "I'm not ready for a relationship" (not like that changes the outcome but still...)[/quote

Seems to me like there's something unsaid here.
Before I go on, I need to explain where I'm coming from. I'll try to keep it as short as I can: I'm in a relationship with a girl that I deeply care about. For the two years that we've been together, I've had nagging feelings of doubt (going so far as dramatically visualizing how a break-up might happen between us). Truth is, I was (and still am, to some extent), afraid that such a good relationship is bound to end badly, or that - even more pathetically - I get scared that I won't actually be able to back out later if something goes sour, or if I even just want a break.

This situation you have with that girl, there, seems to me like she has some nagging feeling or doubt or something of the sort that caused her to become more distant with you. I get where she's coming from, and I disagree with previous poster "Mr Montmorency" that it can't be that moving fast into a deep relationship is a little scary.

I recommend you speak to her about it. If you're really serious about how you feel about her, you should do what you can to communicate your desire to know what's going on. This could be a chance to get her to open up about something she's been thinking about. She might have never had a truly meaningful relationship before, or she may have been betrayed by someone she trusted.

Or she might just have stopped liking you, in which case, tough luck.

Either way, good luck, guy.

 

[BonsaiK]

Common Scenario:

You like girl
She displays interest
Things are going very well
Things seem different (not good)
You go to make a move and BAM the dreaded friend zone

Now, here's where things get complicated with me. For the longest time when ever a "friend zone" would come up I would rationalize with myself thinking:

well friends are cool too
maybe in the future this will workout
she is just getting over some issue
am i not attractive?

Recently thought I have almost had an enlightenment of a sort. I do not do "friend zone" at all. If that line comes out I delete her number, do not talk to her, I am still friendly if I see her at school, but I act like I have no interest at all.

This has been working great and for the most part it has actually helped me get in a few good relationships that would have never happened if I played around in the "friend zone" with a girl I was interested in.

I am having a problem though, most of the girls I would just mess around with there was no connection at all. I would have no issue never seeing them again (yes the sex is nice, but I have no interest in long term with them)

I met this girl though were we had so much in common it was almost scary (I even tested her to make sure she was not bullshitting because it was that odd) She was not the most physically attractive girl I have been with, but she was the most intellectually stimulating out of them all. We had an instant attraction to each other and within 15 minutes of meeting her she was in a sense all over me. We continued to see each other for the next month or so and every time we saw each other we were both so satisfied. She even told me after we are together she sleeps better and feels great. Now not all good stories are good...

We went to Denver, CO together (with her best friend and BF) and this is where I noticed a switch. She was almost cold to me, rejecting my hand, not sitting next to me, and other small things that set off an emotional "oh shit." Later that day when we were alone she laid down the line. Even though I have made a system with the friend zone, for some reason I cant stick to it. After that line I pretty much cut off contact by not initiating, but I realized something, She was one of the very few people who I actually "loved."

I have been on dates other people, banged a few others, which many say would help me get over her. The complete opposite is true though, the more people I seem to date the more I want her back. I even had a complete Freudian slip and called a girl by her name.

This is where I need advice. I do not know if I should break contact completely (we went on a few dates after she FZ'd me and they were still great)or just make an exception for this one. I know she loved me back at one point, but is it worth it to keep in contact if there is no chance of that again.

Okay, firstly, the Friends Zone does not exist, for anybody, ever. I've covered this topic very extensively in the past, especially in the Relationship Problem Thread (which I put to bed now that this Advice Forum thingy is operational and giving some pretty decent advice overall) but to summarise: yes, it's possible to be friends with a girl or whatever, but the idea that there's this mythical "zone" that they allocate you to after a certain period because you missed or messed up a window of opportunity - no. She either likes you enough to be more than friends, or she doesn't - it doesn't get any more complicated than that. This amount of "like" can change over time, if say, she falls in love with someone else, or gradually falls in love with you, or she finds out something about you that she finds to be unsavoury, or whatever. But the whole "Friends Zone" concept is the domain of misogynistic keyboard jockeys who simply are looking for an excuse for their failures and usually are in denial about the fact that there are far more mundane, simplistic reasons why they're not getting what they want that they'd rather not think about. I urge you not to use this term, especially around women, because it will mark you out as someone who subscribes to such things and that's unquestionably an incredibly bad situation for you.

Having female friends, however, is a very good thing - even if you're attracted to them. You really DO want to stay friends with as many ex-partners or would-be love interests as you can manage. Why? Because female friends are very good at social networking. A female friend who you like but who isn't attracted to you but still likes you "as a friend" may still want to take you out to cool social events you might not get to go to. They may swing social situations helpfully in your favour. They may introduce you to people that you like, that you may otherwise not have met. They may even try to match-make you with them, or subtly steer them in your direction (partly because they care about you, and partly because it gets you off their own back). Female friends can open doors for you that male friends often don't have a hope in hell of opening, because with female friends, there is a network of trust. I wouldn't have the amazing girlfriend that I have now if it wasn't for female friends trusting me enough to pull a few strings for me.

In your situation, it's unclear to me what's changed, but it seems like in one paragraph she's your girlfriend and in the next one she's somebody else's girlfriend, I'm not sure if I'm reading that correctly though. Anyway, I'd keep in contact, unless your emotions really can't cope. I don't see how you have anything to lose out of this equation. I'd also consider being friendier to some of your previous interests - not in the hope of getting in their pants (you won't) but because you're probably missing out on some cool adventures that probably have nothing to do with the next girl you're going to meet... but might.

 

[ServebotFrank]

The Friend Zone is something I slap any person in my life for believing as it does not exist. They like you, or they don't it's that simple. Girls don't file guys into friend zones and you don't either. When I meet a girl I usually put them in two categories. Girls I find to be future date partners and those I would rather be friends with. Chances are it's the same the thing for you. BonsaiK did a better job explaining up above but I want you to know that Friend Zone is stupid and needs to be thrown in a bin...Now...

 

[Murais]

I have a friend who transcended the friend zone once. I'm not sure how, but he fucking did it. From what I understand, it was a long, tumultuous uphill battle, and there were days that he was not a happy camper. But he stuck through it. And through it. For about 8 months.

On the bright side, now they're a couple, and quite happy with each other, but man, did he fight. You've gotta ask yourself if she's worth it, and if you've got the determination to pull it off. Tenacity, as long as it stays outside of the bounds of obsession, usually pays off.

Attraction builds the more you hang out/familiarize yourself with someone. This is a known fact in Psychology. And this is also why often times people with completely platonic feelings with members of the opposite sex develop "hidden feelings". Not always, but it happens. And we're talking years, broski.

Of course, you also shouldn't keep your life on hold for her. If something just as good comes along, don't scoff at it. Enjoy life. Maybe even a little jealousy will make her realizes some of those feelings later on.