The Gamer's Lexicon

[008Zulu_v1legacy]

We see a lot of catch phrases and buzz words in reviews and plastered to the back of game boxes. Some of these are undoubtedly meant to grab your attention and hold tight so you won't notice some other less than forgiving traits about the game.

I thought it would be good if we could all write these down with their meanings so no one gets confused ever again.

"Cinematic and Compelling" - The developer threw huge amounts of money at us to give it a good review.

"Graphics depicting the most revolutionary " - We put most of the work in to this one effect and hope you don't notice how terrible the game really is.

"Outstanding co-op" - We couldn't get the A.I to work even at the most basic level, so we are forcing you to play with someone else.

"Platform exclusive" - The parent company is paying us huge amounts of money to make sure we don't make it for the platform of a competitor.

"Gameplay and Graphics designed with future hardware upgrades in mind" - We couldn't optimize the game in time for release, give it 4 or 5 years when the tech will be able to compensate for it.

These are just a few I could think of, if you can add to the list then by all means do, word needs to get out.

 

[Boneasse]

"You will get the complete and full experience" - We will put out DLC at launch, and release new content for it every 3 months. Then you can buy the GotY edition for half the price, a year later.

"The collectors edition is AWESOME!" - In reality you pay us an extra sum of money for a production video, and a soundtrack you could have ripped.

"What we have done is completely different and new!" - It has been seen before, and done before - and better. We even stole some mechanics!!

 

[Speakercone]

"compatible with Kinect" - If you feel like it, you can control the game by wildly flailing your body about, but this was kinda shoehorned in at the last minute because our CEO felt like being 'useful'. As a result, you should probably just use a controller.

 

[Mr Companion]

"Endless replayability!" We have ran out of selling points because really, what game ISNT endlessly replayable?

"Your decisions effect the world around you!" Instead of letting the player judge the morality of their actions, we force A/B option making on them and tell them whats right!

"Cutscenes with fully voiced narration!" We ran out of ideas again.

"Master the almighty powers of time itself to defeat your enemies!" Slow mo mechanic included.

"Follow a thrilling narrative spanning X locations!" The game has a plot, also we are running out of selling points again thank you for noticing.

 

[Dirty Hipsters]

"The conclusion of an Epic trilogy" - We finished the story, but we left the ending open to interpretation just in case our publisher wants to milk the franchise a bit more in a couple of years, also there'll still be another 15 spin offs in the same universe

"Defeat your opponents with a limitless number of combos" - spam the punch and kick buttons intermittently until you win. There are a bunch of finishing moves we put into the game, but it takes 3 hands to pull them off so no one will ever actually use them.

"Thousands of weapons to choose from" - each weapon was reskinned 50 different times, and they all feel the same and do the same thing.

 

[008Zulu_v1legacy]

"Amazingly lifelike NPCs" - The main character is a very monotonous and boring person, who may not have an actual voice.

"Dark and gritty realism" - The levels are mostly brown, grey or variations there of.

"A single player experience lasting more than 20 hours." - The single player takes about 8 hours to complete, the other 12 (or more) is how long it takes to get the unnecessarily hard achievements.

"A richly detailed RPG experience." - It doesn't have boobs, we weren't allowed to add them. But we released the editing tools so you can.

"A dark, enthralling mature RPG that will draw you in." - This game has boobs, and the levels are brown, grey or variations thereof.

 

[Dirty Hipsters]

"A dark fantasy epic" - we ripped everything off from The Lord of the Rings because we don't have any original ideas ourselves.

 

[008Zulu_v1legacy]

"This game has everything you need to keep occupied for hours!" - I don't know whats going on or how to play this game.

"We wanted to make a game that no one has ever seen before, with elements and playstyles you had never imagined." - We were so high when we came up with this, seriously.

"A classic Eastern RPG has been brought over to the West." - Babel Fish translator kept throwing out all these weird phrases, so we re-wrote the dialogue so it has a more easily accessible storyline.

 

[Zhukov]

"Mature..." - Boobs and swearing.