The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess-- Dropping the Bombshell

[Giest118]

This review is objectively wrong.

I know because of some of the words and I've seen lots of reviews in my time.

 

[HT_Black]

You made it through 70% of the game, but you're guessing about stuff you think they'll do around the second dungeon... right.
How the fuck is 17 too young to have a (suposedly old) girl on your BACK? wher the fuck is your dick located? cause i'm sure thats a possition you're not even gonna be able to find in the kama sutra, do you think parent who plays horse with their children on their backs are pedos?
Correct my spelling all you want, it doesn't make your point more or less valid, only shows your lack of arguments.
Want to know something cool? i was at work while writing the post before (and most of my posts on these boards) so i'm typing while making money.

I'll be honest-- that was actually pretty funny. Not because of of the Kama Sutra joke (or at least, not entirely), but because of the way you acuse me of lacking arguments when you yourself don't have a single straw to put on the scales. I love irony, you see.

The point I'm making here is that there's nothing explicit; but the whole naked lady 'straddling a tween' thing is at the very least uncomfortable. Remember, the keywords there were pedophilic undertones. (Incidentally, I've typed the word 'strattling' more times in the last half hour than I've said it in my entire life)

Oh, hey, you wanna know something cooler? I'm typing this from a bathrobe while I telecommute for Dark Horse books. I've listened to 'Inhuman Rage' at least six times by now, and I still love it.

Authors do not fuck around. And I am most certianly an author.

 

[DrDeath3191]

If you're going to attempt to make an analytical review to be taken seriously, you must experience the whole of the game. I don't care if your name is Susan Arendt, Matt Casamassina, Jeff Gertsman or a series of letters and numbers. A movie critic can't get away with reviewing less than the whole film, thus a game critic should be held to the same standard. We could argue the length of the game prevents a proffessional from being able to write accurately for fear of missing the deadline, but you are certainly no professional.You have the free time to dedicate to the game.

Author, kennel owner, student. Wash your mouth out with soap.

You obviously felt strongly enough about the game to analyze it, but if you aren't analyzing the whole of the game, then your review is worthless.

...Alright, good point.

Midna is a princess who lost her kingdom. Don't you think she's kind of pissed about losing her dominant role as the monarch of the Twilight Realm? So she revels in what she can rule: Link. But whatever, I'm getting sidetracked.

No offense, but that's creepier than what I said.

But, your point is valid. Because I like to think I'm a sensible critic, I'll be back in a week's time with an updated opinion; how's that suit you?

That suits me very well. Pardon me if I seemed rude: for all I know, you're typically a fantastic reviewer, and this is an atypical moment. Thanks for understanding.

 

[PhiMed]

And hey, look at that! It's a Zelda game! I've never played one, but I hear they're good!

Okay, I see how this could be a bit of a let-down as an introduction...

Now add about fifty NPCs, all of whom are Navi from Ocarina of Time.

Wait a minute... Thought you said you'd never played a Zelda game.

 

[HT_Black]

But, your point is valid. Because I like to think I'm a sensible critic, I'll be back in a week's time with an updated opinion; how's that suit you?

That suits me very well. Pardon me if I seemed rude: for all I know, you're typically a fantastic reviewer, and this is an atypical moment. Thanks for understanding.

Make of this what you will.

I've got a lot more lying around, but they've all been erased...oh well.

I suppose this is where I get off, to quote the G-man. Be back in a week.

 

[Avatar Roku]

Really? I don't recall. All I rememeber is something about the 'blue-eyed beast' and 'the impending darkness'.

Ok, now that I think about it, it may have actually been the last one (which is for some reason the only one who's name I remember), Lanyru. He actually explains a lot, come to think of it.

And yeah, the first section of the game, in which you have to rescue the spirits, does kind of suck, but it does pick up after that. Also, Midna's character actually develops. You should have given it more of a chance, the last few dungeons are great (even though it's clear that they originally intended Zant to be the final boss, only for Ganon to get shoehorned in at some point in the development process).

Alright-- I'll pop half a dozen Aderal and see if that doesn't make it easier to stomach.

Or I'll just respectfully decline for the time being.

Fair enough. If a game is not for you, it's not for you. I'm not saying you have to like it, I'd just prefer if you'd not imply that everyone who likes it has either been bribed or blinded by nostalgia. I mean, I can't speak for anyone else, but it was my first Zelda game and I wasn't bribed, so Proof by Counterexample, if nothing else.

 

[teisjm]

You made it through 70% of the game, but you're guessing about stuff you think they'll do around the second dungeon... right.
How the fuck is 17 too young to have a (suposedly old) girl on your BACK? wher the fuck is your dick located? cause i'm sure thats a possition you're not even gonna be able to find in the kama sutra, do you think parent who plays horse with their children on their backs are pedos?
Correct my spelling all you want, it doesn't make your point more or less valid, only shows your lack of arguments.
Want to know something cool? i was at work while writing the post before (and most of my posts on these boards) so i'm typing while making money.

I'll be honest-- that was actually pretty funny. Not because of of the Kama Sutra joke (or at least, not entirely), but because of the way you acuse me of lacking arguments when you yourself don't have a single straw to put on the scales. I love irony, you see.

The point I'm making here is that there's nothing explicit; but the whole naked lady 'straddling a tween' thing is at the very least uncomfortable. Remember, the keywords there were pedophilic undertones. (Incidentally, I've typed the word 'strattling' more times in the last half hour than I've said it in my entire life)

Oh, hey, you wanna know something cooler? I'm typing this from a bathrobe while I telecommute for Dark Horse books. I've listened to 'Inhuman Rage' at least six times by now, and I still love it.

Authors do not fuck around. And I am most certianly an author.

straw 1. Your self-exposure: about 70% of the game / guessing about what happens around 2 dungeon.
straw 2. i'm still not convinced he's 12. prove me wrong, but he's the size of an adult and lives by himself.

Also, if you wanna talk pedo stuff, and kee¨p assuming he's 12, stick with the bar lady.
She reminds me of the drunk lady who had my appartment before me.

You got somethin published? or online? maybe i'll read it while at work.
Security don't fuck around, not at my job at leats, we're just fucking lazy and has all the time in the world to do all sorts of non work related stuff.
At least till i'm finished with animation school.
Then i'll have to work my ass off to get cool jobs.

 

[HT_Black]

You made it through 70% of the game, but you're guessing about stuff you think they'll do around the second dungeon... right.
How the fuck is 17 too young to have a (suposedly old) girl on your BACK? wher the fuck is your dick located? cause i'm sure thats a possition you're not even gonna be able to find in the kama sutra, do you think parent who plays horse with their children on their backs are pedos?
Correct my spelling all you want, it doesn't make your point more or less valid, only shows your lack of arguments.
Want to know something cool? i was at work while writing the post before (and most of my posts on these boards) so i'm typing while making money.

I'll be honest-- that was actually pretty funny. Not because of of the Kama Sutra joke (or at least, not entirely), but because of the way you acuse me of lacking arguments when you yourself don't have a single straw to put on the scales. I love irony, you see.

The point I'm making here is that there's nothing explicit; but the whole naked lady 'straddling a tween' thing is at the very least uncomfortable. Remember, the keywords there were pedophilic undertones. (Incidentally, I've typed the word 'strattling' more times in the last half hour than I've said it in my entire life)

Oh, hey, you wanna know something cooler? I'm typing this from a bathrobe while I telecommute for Dark Horse books. I've listened to 'Inhuman Rage' at least six times by now, and I still love it.

Authors do not fuck around. And I am most certianly an author.

straw 1. Your self-exposure: about 70% of the game / guessing about what happens around 2 dungeon.
straw 2. i'm still not convinced he's 12. prove me wrong, but he's the size of an adult and lives by himself.

Also, if you wanna talk pedo stuff, and kee¨p assuming he's 12, stick with the bar lady.
She reminds me of the drunk lady who had my appartment before me.

You got somethin published? or online? maybe i'll read it while at work.
Security don't fuck around, not at my job at leats, we're just fucking lazy and has all the time in the world to do all sorts of non work related stuff.
At least till i'm finished with animation school.
Then i'll have to work my ass off to get cool jobs.

...Honest to God, I really ahve no idea how I'm supposed to reply to that.

Er...live long and prosper, maybe? That's all I got.

 

[teisjm]

You made it through 70% of the game, but you're guessing about stuff you think they'll do around the second dungeon... right.
How the fuck is 17 too young to have a (suposedly old) girl on your BACK? wher the fuck is your dick located? cause i'm sure thats a possition you're not even gonna be able to find in the kama sutra, do you think parent who plays horse with their children on their backs are pedos?
Correct my spelling all you want, it doesn't make your point more or less valid, only shows your lack of arguments.
Want to know something cool? i was at work while writing the post before (and most of my posts on these boards) so i'm typing while making money.

I'll be honest-- that was actually pretty funny. Not because of of the Kama Sutra joke (or at least, not entirely), but because of the way you acuse me of lacking arguments when you yourself don't have a single straw to put on the scales. I love irony, you see.

The point I'm making here is that there's nothing explicit; but the whole naked lady 'straddling a tween' thing is at the very least uncomfortable. Remember, the keywords there were pedophilic undertones. (Incidentally, I've typed the word 'strattling' more times in the last half hour than I've said it in my entire life)

Oh, hey, you wanna know something cooler? I'm typing this from a bathrobe while I telecommute for Dark Horse books. I've listened to 'Inhuman Rage' at least six times by now, and I still love it.

Authors do not fuck around. And I am most certianly an author.

straw 1. Your self-exposure: about 70% of the game / guessing about what happens around 2 dungeon.
straw 2. i'm still not convinced he's 12. prove me wrong, but he's the size of an adult and lives by himself.

Also, if you wanna talk pedo stuff, and kee¨p assuming he's 12, stick with the bar lady.
She reminds me of the drunk lady who had my appartment before me.

You got somethin published? or online? maybe i'll read it while at work.
Security don't fuck around, not at my job at leats, we're just fucking lazy and has all the time in the world to do all sorts of non work related stuff.
At least till i'm finished with animation school.
Then i'll have to work my ass off to get cool jobs.

...Honest to God, I really ahve no idea how I'm supposed to reply to that.

Er...live long and prosper, maybe? That's all I got.

That, and get the mods to give me a "blessed by an author" badge. Maybe it'll make me spell better.

 

[Daveman]

Well at least Yahtzee's funny.

Seriously though. Worst game you've ever played? Really? I mean you don't have to like it but it is quite good, even if you're not a fan of the Zelda Series, which I'm not. Also accusing critics of bribes is about the lamest counter to a critically acclaimed game, it just makes you sound like paranoid "hater".

 

[Taerdin]

I stopped respecting your opinion about the time you claimed Bioshock wasn't good either, though your comment about having never played a Legend of Zelda game made skeptical of either your age or your credentials as a gamer.

This is the biggest pile of shit I've ever read on any forum anywhere. People have to have played a particular series to have 'gamer cred'? Oh please, stop putting Zelda on some kind of pedestal like its the end all and be all.

 

[tyranuus]

Hmmm, well I've played older games in the series, but I've gotta say that with what I already knew, I had very little trouble with the story, I wasnt left thinking 'what?', because it usually linked to either something mentioned at another point in the game, or a previous game in the series. Zelda is such an old series now they cant really be expected to explain explicitly who ever character is every damned time.

Personally for a technically last gen game (it was on GC too), I thought this game was brilliant graphically, sure it's low res and the textures can be blocky, but the attention to detail in the lighting, world, style etc are all brilliant. I mean keep that level of attention to detail and bring it into HD with high res textures, and it'd look great.

Still, I enjoyed the game so Im not gonna be the sort of person you want to read this.

 

[Nico III]

Zelda will always hold a dear place in my heart, so I won't bother giving my unintentionally fanboyish opinions. I'll just say I disagree, for obvious reasons.

You did raise an excellent point about the nostalgia effecting people's opinions of the game though, I really enjoyed TP, but mainly because it was more of the game I loved growing up.

I also think that the series is so locked in "tradition" featuring elements that you disliked, for example Link's silence except the trademark grunts, or the text boxes. I think that if Nintendo did change these, then the fanboys would be outraged.

 

[BKtheKITTY]

I really liked it. Was the aim of the review to enlighten us as to why we shouldn't, or just affirm that you're not the only one?

 

[Graustein]

And yes, by the way-- He is twelve-- but I'm pretty sure they pull an Ocarina on us and shave five years of his lifespan right around the second dungeon. And regardless-- 17 is still too young.

Link in Twilight Princess is around 16 or 17. This was confirmed by the creators of the game before it was even out, and the fact that he is nowhere near 12 is blatantly obvious to anybody who looks at him or hears his voice. Not only that, but you say "too young" as if there were anything sexual going on, which there isn't, except maybe in your own mind.

Perhaps some visual aids will help:

Spoiler: Link at about 10, and Link at about 17, Ocarina of Time

Spoiler: Link in Majora's Mask, the same individual as in Ocarina of Time, no older than 11 at this point

Spoiler: Link as he appears in Twilight Princess, clearly no younger than 15 (to be generous)

Spoiler: And finally, for good measure, Twilight Princess Link (16-17) next to Wind Waker Link (10-12) in Super Smash Bros. Brawl

See above, with maybe a few extra wuips thrown in. Aslo, about the whole "uninteresting characters" thing? Anyone with half a brain in their heads should be able to get you interested in them right off the bat. Moreover, I don't know if you caught this, but I was playing this game ON THE WII.

That's exactly what happened to me. I found them interesting right off the bat. I can't account for your inability to do so nor do I care to speculate on the reasons.

Also, I am fully aware that you were playing it on the Wii. I made no comments about the Wii controls because I'm not the kind of person to make uninformed statements. I simply stated that, in the version I played, the controls were remarkably smooth. Perhaps the nunchuck doesn't sit well in your hand?

I think I'm done here. I'm not making any attempt to make you like the game, just to point out some of the areas in which I disagree with your assessment of the game. If this continues much longer, it will devolve into useless ad hominems, and nobody wants that.

 

[Hunde Des Krieg]

Trashing a game to trash a game. I applaud your douchebaggery you hipster dick.

 

[snow]

Interesting read, but I can't help but feel this is a troll post than an actual review (Please don't take that to heart.. I can't think of any other way to put that)

Sure I liked Twilight Princess, but I at least have enough of a sense of humor to see the funny in this review and why I shouldn't take it personally...

The thing is.. Most people aren't like that... You'll have people who will take offense to anything that isn't singing praises to their favorite games, and you'll have those who don't understand that you were pulling a leg or two, but it seems this review is saying "Bring it!" more than a several times within itself.

Which is why I'm curious as to if this was an actual review, or just a well disguised personal attack for those who actually enjoyed the game? Both? I've read it twice and I simply cannot tell.

Perhaps you just had too much exposure to fanboyism and accidentally vented it out in your review?


Now don't get me wrong, this is not a hate response, and I did enjoy the review enough to actually want to go back and read it over again before posting a comment, even despite the fact that the review picks the game I enjoyed to death. I'm just confused as to what you were hoping to accomplish..

Maybe it's what you said before about trying to be careful that made it seem that way... Or maybe it's the little voice in the back of the head that decided to make you sound that way when I look at words... Heh, but in either case , keep doing what you're doing regardless!

I'm just surprised you didn't say something about Twilight Princess having the same initials as Toilet Paper, seeing as how you didn't like it.

 

[HT_Black]

I'm just surprised you didn't say something about Twilight Princess having the same initials as Toilet Paper, seeing as how you didn't like it.

Please-- that'd be beneath even me.

 

[snow]

I'm just surprised you didn't say something about Twilight Princess having the same initials as Toilet Paper, seeing as how you didn't like it.

Please-- that'd be beneath even me.

Well that was most certainly fast! Were you watching me click the post button? (locks all the windows and doors..)

Oh well it was worth a shot I guess.