The Official Escapist Dad Joke Thread

[ObsidianJones_v1legacy]

We're doing this. This is happening.

-A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry we don?t serve food here."

-I don?t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I?m just doing it for kicks!

-What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

-While my friend and I were writing a song, we got to the end of the sentence. Stumped, he looks at me and goes "What Rhymes with Orange"

To which I said "... No.. It doesn't".

I need a new song writing partner.

 

[Xprimentyl]

Why couldn?t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too ?far out, maaaaaan!?

(I am SO sorry. That?s fucking awful; typing it out made it worse, and now we?re all collectively dumber for it. I?m gonna leave? yeah, I?m just gonna leave; again, my apologies.)

 

[Pseudonym]

Are they all supposed to be puns? Otherwise I got this one from a book (that I never actually read nor intend to):

Do you know that joke about the three guys that went to Paris?

...

They didn't go.

 

[JoJo]

Spoiler: What did Inspector Sandal say about the case of the boot found hung by his own laces?

Looks like a classic case of a shoecide

 

[ObsidianJones_v1legacy]

A woman was a work when her son, freshly home from his first year of college, calls her.

"Mom," He starts, a bit hurried. "I got this date tonight and I need to wash my lucky sweater."

"Larry, did you read it? What it says will tell you all you need to know."

"Ok... It says Brown University."

Dialtone.

 

[Chimpzy_v1legacy]

Ok, fine. But I'm copying my post from the other thread. Cuz I'm lazy like that.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Follow the fresh prints.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

I saw this advert in a window that said: "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full." I thought, "I can't turn that down."

What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1

My friend entered a pun contest. He entered ten, figuring at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.

What did the clock do when it was hungry? It went back four seconds.

What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!!!!

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat? Because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.

And so the Lord said unto John, "Come forth; and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

People don't like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.

 

[Xprimentyl]

Ok, fine. But I'm copying my post from the other thread. Cuz I'm lazy like that.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat? Because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.

And so the Lord said unto John, "Come forth; and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.

I?m officially petitioning to have these jokes stripped of their derogatory ?dad? and/or ?pun? status; they are legit funny. I?ve told them to four people already, and each got laughs, not a single groan or eye rolled. These are the kinds of jokes that make life better.

 

[twistedmic]

Why didn?t the bicycle go to school? It was too tired.

 

[Asita]

Spoiler: Funny you should ask...

You're welcome.​

I forgot the joke about the boomerang, but then it came back to me.

My friend took me fishing the other day. Before I knew it, I was hooked.

Never talk about problems with your family. They're all relative.

Two satellites decided to get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible.

Why can't you have a nose that is 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

I'm very grateful to sidewalks. They keep me off the streets.

 

[RaikuFA]

What type of cheese do cars like?

Mazda-rella

 

[Worgen]

Have some jokes from our green daddy.

 

[Baffle]

I've nothing to add, but I am thoroughly enjoying this thread and thought everyone should know.

 

[Palindromemordnilap_v1legacy]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. Barman says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

 

[Worgen]

Uhh oh, magical horses are getting involved in this also.

 

[The Rogue Wolf]

I'm too tired to come up with a dad joke. I was up all night worrying about where the sun had gone.

Eventually it dawned on me, though.

(Though while I'm here, I'd like to remind everyone that you should be nice to bread. After all, as Jesus said, "What you do to the yeast of us, you do to me".)

 

[ObsidianJones_v1legacy]

You know what sucks? A vacuum.

 

[Asita]

Spoiler: Tempted to repurpose these, but what kind of 'dad' would I be if I didn't give due credit?

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I was addicted to the hokey pokey. But then I turned myself around.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent.

I find it frustrating to examine circles. They are pointless shapes.

You know what sucks? A vacuum.

I know what you mean. My vacuum just gathers dust.

 

[Chewster]

Hear the one about the guy with a Jello gun?

Got arrested for having a congealed weapon.

 

[Kyrian007]

Codsworth has some good dad jokes.

A man took his kids to a zoo... all they had was a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.

 

[Chimpzy_v1legacy]

Not really a dad joke, but I really like this one:

Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car. They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.