the silly joke thread

[shootthebandit]

With all the doom and gloom recently i thought id make a thread for us to share our silly jokes. They dont have to be orginal and they dont have to be clean. Heres 2 i heard recently:

1) i saw bob marley on a boat the other day and he was with a load of guys carrying harpoons. I said to my friend "was that bob marley?" "Thats bob marley and the whalers" he replied

2) i just moved into a haunted house so i decided to contract an exorcist. He came to the house and he said "this is gonna cost you a lot to get rid of this ghost, if you want you can pay it monthly?" he handed over the contract and the small print said "failure to keep up with monthly payments may result in your home being re-posessed"

 

[tippy2k2]

My favorite joke totally stolen from an act at the Minnesota Renaissance Fair!

A sea captain was with his men, telling them of the brave captain that trained him.

"That's right boys. He was such a brave and encouraging man! He would always wear red on the field so that if he was ever shot, he could continue to lead without us knowing he was hurt!"

Suddenly, from the Crow's nest...

"SIR! PIRATES ARE ATTACKING! THERE ARE AT LEAST FIVE....NO, SIX SHIPS ON THEIR WAY!!!!"

The Captain yells to his steward "Bring me my brown pants!"

 

[Lionsfan]

What's the most popular pizza order in New York?



[sub]Two Large Planes[/sub]


And why are seagulls called seagulls?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be baygulls

 

[DefunctTheory]

I'd tell you a penis joke, but it would be too long.

/trollface

 

[BQE]

The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position.

On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances," he explains. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man is horrified, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!"

"Well," says the proctor, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

The CIA proctor leads the second male candidate to another large steel door and hands him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances," the proctor explains. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man steadies himself, takes the gun and enters the room. After three quiet minutes, the man exits the room with tears in his eyes. "I wanted to do it -- I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

Finally, the CIA proctor leads the female candidate to yet another large steel door and hands her a gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman takes the gun, enters the room, and before the door even closes completely behind her, she's fired off six shots. Then all hell breaks loose behind the door -- cursing, screaming, crashing. Suddenly, all goes quiet.

The door opens slowly, the woman exits, and wiping the sweat from her brow, she says, "Did you guys know the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the son of a ***** to death with the chair!"

This one always makes me chuckle.

 

[Asita]

I'd tell you a penis joke, but it would be too long.

/trollface

Yeah, and I'd tell you the ceiling joke, but it'd probably be over your head

 

[FalloutJack]

I'd tell you a penis joke, but it would be too long.

/trollface

Yeah, and I'd tell you the ceiling joke, but it'd probably be over your head

I'd tell you a good floor joke, but they're beneath me.

 

[Adair Belton-schure]

Why did the little boy drop his ice-cream?

He got hit by a bus! *budum tish*

 

[GodzillaGuy92]

Here's one I came up with on the spot while my sister was describing to me how to make a Starbucks latte.

Spoiler: How do you make a latte without using any coffee?

Move to Canada and, using whatever method you wish, make tons of money. Then you'll have a lot, eh?

 

[FPLOON]

I'd tell you a penis joke, but it would be too long.

/trollface

Yeah, and I'd tell you the ceiling joke, but it'd probably be over your head

I'd tell you a good floor joke, but they're beneath me.

I'd tell you a bad zombie joke, but I don't have any brains...

 

[EeveeElectro]

I'd tell you a penis joke, but it would be too long.

/trollface

Yeah, and I'd tell you the ceiling joke, but it'd probably be over your head

I'd tell you a good floor joke, but they're beneath me.

I'd tell you a vagina joke but you wouldn't get it.

How long are we betting before dead baby jokes turn up?

 

[Spambot 3000]

I accidentally locked myself out of my car at the abortion clinic.

I don't think they appreciated me going in and asking if they had any wire coat-hangers.

 

[DoPo]

I'd tell you a penis joke, but it would be too long.

/trollface

Yeah, and I'd tell you the ceiling joke, but it'd probably be over your head

I'd tell you a good floor joke, but they're beneath me.

I'd tell you a vagina joke but you wouldn't get it.

How long are we betting before dead baby jokes turn up?

I'd tell you a dead baby joke but it stinks.

 

[Blunderboy]

I'd tell you a penis joke, but it would be too long.

/trollface

Yeah, and I'd tell you the ceiling joke, but it'd probably be over your head

I'd tell you a good floor joke, but they're beneath me.

I'd tell you a vagina joke but you wouldn't get it.

How long are we betting before dead baby jokes turn up?

I'd tell you a dead baby joke but it stinks.

I'd tell you the pizza joke, but it's too cheesy.

 

[Esotera]

Spoiler: What did the blind albino boy get for Christmas?

Cancer!

 

[Adeptus Aspartem]

What's big, yellow and can't swim?

Spoiler: ba-dum

An exacavtor!

And why?

Spoiler: tiss

Because he only has one arm!

 

[stormeris]

I'd tell you a penis joke, but it would be too long.

/trollface

Yeah, and I'd tell you the ceiling joke, but it'd probably be over your head

I'd tell you a good floor joke, but they're beneath me.

I'd tell you a vagina joke but you wouldn't get it.

How long are we betting before dead baby jokes turn up?

I'd tell you a dead baby joke but it stinks.

I'd tell you the pizza joke, but it's too cheesy.

I'd tell you an jewish joke, but i'm afraid of cutting it short

Spoiler

It's a circumcision joke

 

[CorvusFerreum]

A Frenchman, an Italian, an American and a German are standing on a rooftop. How would you make them jump?

You tell the Frenchman down there are the best wines. The Italian would jump for the most beautiful women. You can get the American to jump for a few thousand dollars.

Spoiler: But how do you get the German to jump?

SPRINGEN!

A man died and came to heaven. As he stood on god's side he saw a giant tree.
"What tree is this, oh Lord?", the man asked.
"This is the tree of truth. Here I can see every lie on earth."

Suddenly a leaf began to shake.
"At this moment a farmer in Nigeria lied to his wife" said god.

"And now a boy in spain lied to his father" he commented on another shaking leaf.

Then, without any warning, the whole tree began to enter a wild tremor. Leafs flew everywhere and the tree lokked like it would collapse.

"What it this oh Lord?" the man asked in shock.

"Oh, it's just Fox News broadcasting."

And two more out of the good old GDR:

Two man sitting in a pub
"Can I tell you a joke? It's funny, but it's one about the party"
"Then I must warn you. I am a cop."
"Alright, then I will tell it slowly."

(short explaination: Political jokes and jokes about the party where punishable back then)

A citizen of the GDR dies and comes to hell. On arriving the man is asked by the devil wether he wants into a socialist or a capitalist hell.
"I spent my whole life in socialism", the man said. "Show me the capitalist hell"
On arriving there he sees people tied on boards with nails in them beeing overrun by a steamroller. Horrified he turns to the devil and asks to see the socialist hell.
Arriving there he sees people sitting around, playing cards and drinking beer. Surprised by the sight he tells the devil he wants to stay in socialist hell.
After a few days there he asks a fellow damned soul:
"This doesn't seem like hell at all. Why are we sitting here, playing cards and drinking beer?"
"Well, actually we should lie on nail boards while beeing overrun by a steamroller. But you know how it is in socialism: Sometimes you don't have nails, sometimes you don't have boards and if you have both the steamroller is broken."

I'd tell you a penis joke, but it would be too long.

/trollface

Yeah, and I'd tell you the ceiling joke, but it'd probably be over your head

I'd tell you a good floor joke, but they're beneath me.

I'd tell you a vagina joke but you wouldn't get it.

How long are we betting before dead baby jokes turn up?

I'd tell you a dead baby joke but it stinks.

I'd tell you the pizza joke, but it's too cheesy.

I'd tell you a pizza joke. But my family had a horrible pizza related accident, you insensitive prick!