Ever notice how 'Arachnid' sounds a bit like 'Anti-christ'? No? Have you ever noticed that some spiders are scary little suckers that hang in midair supported by silk cables that are stronger then steel and wait for shit to blunder into them? I assume you have, because occasionally people blunder into them and scream like a little girl because their face is all sticky. Well, this spider isn't like that. This spider doesn't hang in midair because Sephiroth already claimed the title 'Most Unholy Evil Prick To Float In The Sky'. The only reason it doesn't swim is because Cthulhu most likely lives off the Australian coast and there would be a turf war. We'll get to him later, there's a point to this story.
This spider is proof of God, proof that he's a malicious ass who kicks puppies and makes anime music videos of rape scenes to 'Yakity Sax'.
Most Australians don't believe our country is as bad as foreigners make out. We laugh as we are told that our wildlife is evil, chuckle and shake our heads as people declare our environment 'Hellish'. We like it here, digging up our martian-red soil in the 40 degree heat. Hellish? Mate, this is paradise. Even my preceding little bit of patriotic hyperbole was stretching things. We have some fantastic rainforests and utterly adorable swamps here! And wetlands and things! In short, we don't think our country is as nightmare fuelish as we are told it is...
But what if it is!?
Last weekend was my Sisters birthday, and as she is still of the age where she uses a training sword and can barely maul a bull elephant, and because I was in the state and the very earth cowered in fear, we decided to go and visit the Australian Reptile Park. This is a place now #1 on my list of 'stupid-as-dick places to seek refuge during a zombie apocalypse'. For those of you who don't know, Australia's reptiles aren't the most accommodating bunch. We have, proudly, the largest reptile in the world here; it is most commonly known as the saltwater crocodile but is frequently referred to as 'Crystal Fear'.
The park had more than just reptiles, as it turns out.
We followed this one funny chap around the park as he did talks on all of the Iconic Australian animals. Simultaneously proved that you don't need to be sensible to work with creatures capable of removing your fingers, arms or immolating your living soul. We as he cheerfully fished around bare-handed inside a hollow log for a Tasmanian Devil (Devil.) and draged the metal-screaming little dervish out of the darkness. These delightful little angel-killers can flood their ears with blood to make them glow red, presumably because it feeds on your fear. The only reason there isn't an X-men based on one of them is that wolverine would be out of both a job and a life. We watched this insane zookeeper tease them with an entire, bloodied kangaroo leg and then watched these furry chainsaws eat it. All of it. In minutes. They are the size of puppies.
Then, for giggles, he fed a 3 meter long crocodile named Elvis. I can only assume it was named Elvis because it likes to consume its own weight in hamburgers daily and can never truly die. The rotten chicken (apparently they like eating old corpses, which raises the question of how there got to be new corpses.) was so badly decayed that it fell off the feeding stick. Our erstwhile guide happily proved he has a death-wish and rushed the God-Lizard to get back his meat-offering, so he could do the show properly. He then made this dinosaur jump a few times before he finally munched down the sacrifice with one bite. For anyone who thinks this whole 'steal back the food' thing isn't that stupid, let me stress that a Salty is not your basic 'Gator. It's a Croc. In a later show he (yes, he survives to give more talks) hands a juvenile 'Gator to some little girl he dragged into the show pit. Because 'gators are really just moving logs that snap at passing carrion, she got away with minor PTSD. An Juvenile croc was later brought in, and it made every attempt short of a psionic attack to go berserk and eat the trainer, the little girl, the Gator and the show pit itself. They are not friendly. They are evil.
He then fed some dingos, while letting the things lick all over his face in a display about as wise as standing on a shooting range covered in big magnets. Why, why in the seven hells you would let the asshole of the canine world (think wolf without the class ) taste you!? You can't tame these things, they will maul and defile your corpse in an attempt to become the Alpha male. These things can take down a cow weighing hundreds of kilos trying to kick it's face in, do you think swatting it with a newspaper will stop it feeding you your own asshole?
And the snakes. Oh god, the snakes. There was a show on the snakes (I'm not even going to tell you about the show, this man is unstoppable), and a large display hall of the legless demons fashioned to look like a cave. As stated, I have never thought of my country as Evil or that dangerous, but the nameplates alone started to erode my indoctrinated self-assurance. Death Adder, one proclaimed. Red Bellied Black Snake (it even looks demonic). Fierce Snake. Taipan. Do you know what Taipan means in Japanese? It means 'Big Boss'. That's right, Solid Snake's pedigree includes this evil little death-missile. What the hell, Universe!? Add to all this the fact that the most ungodly, slithery thing in the place is named simply 'Brown Snake' and we gain a sick understanding of the creator of this continent. It was dawning on me that perhaps I was the one ignorant of the true nature of my beloved land down under. Maybe it really was evil.
The turning point, friends, was the Spiders.
I can live with the trees that have poison hair-needles covering them, which it sheds into a cloud of ambient death. I can live with the poison-torpedo shooting seashells. I forgave the jellyfish. All of them. I can look past the snakes. I can forgive the fact that both of our national animals routinely maul tourists who think they're cute. I can forgive the Blue Ringed Octopus. I can forgive the fact that Spore: Australia Edition would be MA 15+. But I cannot, will not forgive the Sydney Funnel Web. Not in a million years will there ever be an excuse for the Sydney Funnel Web.
This is #1 on 'shit you don't want to bite you'. Period. If you get bitten by a snake, you have over 4 hours until the damage becomes chronic and sometimes up to 12 before you keel over dead. Not so with the SFW, the record for surviving this Eight-Legged-Armageddon is an Hour and sixteen minutes. The record. That was a healthy, very healthy man, fully hydrated and who knew how to treat the wound, stem the flow of poison and had god on his side (the fickle ass). You, unprepared and unaware, will last 40 minutes, maximum. Think about how long that is. That's not a long time. That's not counting the fact that your fate is sealed after about 25 minutes, mind you, and you'd better hope the ambulance reaches you in time.
Let me give you a rundown of what a whack from this thing will do to you:
1) Agonizing Pain. Not 'ow, put an ice-block on that' brand agony, but 'roll on the floor and beg for death' agony. Neurotoxin is an utter ***** and will electrocute your nerve endings and make you see Satan.
2) Drooling. Not spit, not the pre-vomit wet-mouthness. After only 5 minutes you will drool so much and so uncontrollably you can barely breath or speak, making calling for help really hard. Did we mention agony more extreme than anything you have ever felt? And now spit?
3) After this point, the fun stuff starts. You will cry, pee and crap blood, all of your blood. You will drool and vomit blood. The agony that once made you want to cut off your bitten limb has now spread to your entire body and is making every nerve scream for death. You have ceased to remember a life outside of the galaxy-rending pain that is ripping your mind apart.
And this little prick of an animal will bite you multiple times, if he can get you, because he feeds on your tears.
You die at this point. Ambulance drivers, who don't rush for snake bites, will run red lights, scrape up against other cars and mount the sidewalk to get a funnelweb victim to the hospital, because after they've got there the guy is usually crying blood already. Sometimes they only rush so there's something left to identify you with afterwards.
If it bites your hand and you survive (making you honorarily Ultra), you will lose fingers. If it bites your foot, be prepared to lose the whole thing. If it bites your face you're about to become one ugly fucker. Most of Australia's wildlife gets exaggerated in its lethality (at least I thought it did). Even though everything here bar the sheep spit poison (the trees, dammit! Poison Shooting Trees!), I never thought it was that bad. But not the funnelweb. It's worse than I could ever imagine.
I'm Not Trying To Look Bigger. I'm Preventing Your Escape.
Look at those god damn fangs, they can drive those suckers through your toenails. I wouldn't mind the evil bastards if they lived out in the western wastes like all the rest of our Anti-Christ animals, but this is the, by name: Sydney Funnel Web. How is this fair? It's like having the 'Suburban Sewer Grizzly', and it wields a chainsaw. For god's sake, it's not even a reclusive arachnid bastard; it's known for being an aggressive little fuck. The males, the ones with venom 10 times more potent than the females (that's right, 10 times) are designed to wander looking for females, who hide in (duh) funnel webs. Let me spell that out: It's an aggressive, sadistic, overly toxic hairy asshole and it's made to wander all over Sydney crawling into warm and enclosed spaces. Warm and enclosed spaces like, for example, your shoes and gloves and houses. And, when you have the audacity to wake it up in the morning, it can bite through adamantium. It's venom has Hemotoxic, Neurotoxic and Necrotic effects. I don't know what that last part means, exactly, but Necrotic is never good and it may raise you as a zombie. Not fair.
This is what gets me. Not that it's evil, not that it's deadly, not that i'd rather burn to death while drowning rather than die of this thing, but that it has evolved and adapted in a short period of time to make Australia's cities it's stomping ground. It's not natural, it's vindictive. It's proof of a malevolent God and i'll dare any person to be bitten by this sucker and not beg for divine intervention.
The Point Of This Thread: The Aussie reptile park is a private venture, it gets no funding for the amazing conservation work it does for Tazzy Devils and several other endangered species. The only thing separating these adorable and deadly critters from leaving us forever is the entry fees of those who visit the good people there.
If you wanted to see all these deadly creatures (and a whole bunch of non-lethal and cute/awesome ones as well) in a safe place, the Reptile Park is the place to go. The crazy guys there are friendly, warm and often hilarious. They love their jobs. If you're a local, a tourist, or want to see a grown man piss of an Eight-legged Satan for your amusement (and then learn to survive it), then drop by. Nature will spare you one horrible death.
This spider is proof of God, proof that he's a malicious ass who kicks puppies and makes anime music videos of rape scenes to 'Yakity Sax'.
Most Australians don't believe our country is as bad as foreigners make out. We laugh as we are told that our wildlife is evil, chuckle and shake our heads as people declare our environment 'Hellish'. We like it here, digging up our martian-red soil in the 40 degree heat. Hellish? Mate, this is paradise. Even my preceding little bit of patriotic hyperbole was stretching things. We have some fantastic rainforests and utterly adorable swamps here! And wetlands and things! In short, we don't think our country is as nightmare fuelish as we are told it is...
But what if it is!?
Last weekend was my Sisters birthday, and as she is still of the age where she uses a training sword and can barely maul a bull elephant, and because I was in the state and the very earth cowered in fear, we decided to go and visit the Australian Reptile Park. This is a place now #1 on my list of 'stupid-as-dick places to seek refuge during a zombie apocalypse'. For those of you who don't know, Australia's reptiles aren't the most accommodating bunch. We have, proudly, the largest reptile in the world here; it is most commonly known as the saltwater crocodile but is frequently referred to as 'Crystal Fear'.
The park had more than just reptiles, as it turns out.
We followed this one funny chap around the park as he did talks on all of the Iconic Australian animals. Simultaneously proved that you don't need to be sensible to work with creatures capable of removing your fingers, arms or immolating your living soul. We as he cheerfully fished around bare-handed inside a hollow log for a Tasmanian Devil (Devil.) and draged the metal-screaming little dervish out of the darkness. These delightful little angel-killers can flood their ears with blood to make them glow red, presumably because it feeds on your fear. The only reason there isn't an X-men based on one of them is that wolverine would be out of both a job and a life. We watched this insane zookeeper tease them with an entire, bloodied kangaroo leg and then watched these furry chainsaws eat it. All of it. In minutes. They are the size of puppies.
Then, for giggles, he fed a 3 meter long crocodile named Elvis. I can only assume it was named Elvis because it likes to consume its own weight in hamburgers daily and can never truly die. The rotten chicken (apparently they like eating old corpses, which raises the question of how there got to be new corpses.) was so badly decayed that it fell off the feeding stick. Our erstwhile guide happily proved he has a death-wish and rushed the God-Lizard to get back his meat-offering, so he could do the show properly. He then made this dinosaur jump a few times before he finally munched down the sacrifice with one bite. For anyone who thinks this whole 'steal back the food' thing isn't that stupid, let me stress that a Salty is not your basic 'Gator. It's a Croc. In a later show he (yes, he survives to give more talks) hands a juvenile 'Gator to some little girl he dragged into the show pit. Because 'gators are really just moving logs that snap at passing carrion, she got away with minor PTSD. An Juvenile croc was later brought in, and it made every attempt short of a psionic attack to go berserk and eat the trainer, the little girl, the Gator and the show pit itself. They are not friendly. They are evil.
He then fed some dingos, while letting the things lick all over his face in a display about as wise as standing on a shooting range covered in big magnets. Why, why in the seven hells you would let the asshole of the canine world (think wolf without the class ) taste you!? You can't tame these things, they will maul and defile your corpse in an attempt to become the Alpha male. These things can take down a cow weighing hundreds of kilos trying to kick it's face in, do you think swatting it with a newspaper will stop it feeding you your own asshole?
And the snakes. Oh god, the snakes. There was a show on the snakes (I'm not even going to tell you about the show, this man is unstoppable), and a large display hall of the legless demons fashioned to look like a cave. As stated, I have never thought of my country as Evil or that dangerous, but the nameplates alone started to erode my indoctrinated self-assurance. Death Adder, one proclaimed. Red Bellied Black Snake (it even looks demonic). Fierce Snake. Taipan. Do you know what Taipan means in Japanese? It means 'Big Boss'. That's right, Solid Snake's pedigree includes this evil little death-missile. What the hell, Universe!? Add to all this the fact that the most ungodly, slithery thing in the place is named simply 'Brown Snake' and we gain a sick understanding of the creator of this continent. It was dawning on me that perhaps I was the one ignorant of the true nature of my beloved land down under. Maybe it really was evil.
The turning point, friends, was the Spiders.
I can live with the trees that have poison hair-needles covering them, which it sheds into a cloud of ambient death. I can live with the poison-torpedo shooting seashells. I forgave the jellyfish. All of them. I can look past the snakes. I can forgive the fact that both of our national animals routinely maul tourists who think they're cute. I can forgive the Blue Ringed Octopus. I can forgive the fact that Spore: Australia Edition would be MA 15+. But I cannot, will not forgive the Sydney Funnel Web. Not in a million years will there ever be an excuse for the Sydney Funnel Web.
This is #1 on 'shit you don't want to bite you'. Period. If you get bitten by a snake, you have over 4 hours until the damage becomes chronic and sometimes up to 12 before you keel over dead. Not so with the SFW, the record for surviving this Eight-Legged-Armageddon is an Hour and sixteen minutes. The record. That was a healthy, very healthy man, fully hydrated and who knew how to treat the wound, stem the flow of poison and had god on his side (the fickle ass). You, unprepared and unaware, will last 40 minutes, maximum. Think about how long that is. That's not a long time. That's not counting the fact that your fate is sealed after about 25 minutes, mind you, and you'd better hope the ambulance reaches you in time.
Let me give you a rundown of what a whack from this thing will do to you:
1) Agonizing Pain. Not 'ow, put an ice-block on that' brand agony, but 'roll on the floor and beg for death' agony. Neurotoxin is an utter ***** and will electrocute your nerve endings and make you see Satan.
2) Drooling. Not spit, not the pre-vomit wet-mouthness. After only 5 minutes you will drool so much and so uncontrollably you can barely breath or speak, making calling for help really hard. Did we mention agony more extreme than anything you have ever felt? And now spit?
3) After this point, the fun stuff starts. You will cry, pee and crap blood, all of your blood. You will drool and vomit blood. The agony that once made you want to cut off your bitten limb has now spread to your entire body and is making every nerve scream for death. You have ceased to remember a life outside of the galaxy-rending pain that is ripping your mind apart.
And this little prick of an animal will bite you multiple times, if he can get you, because he feeds on your tears.
You die at this point. Ambulance drivers, who don't rush for snake bites, will run red lights, scrape up against other cars and mount the sidewalk to get a funnelweb victim to the hospital, because after they've got there the guy is usually crying blood already. Sometimes they only rush so there's something left to identify you with afterwards.
If it bites your hand and you survive (making you honorarily Ultra), you will lose fingers. If it bites your foot, be prepared to lose the whole thing. If it bites your face you're about to become one ugly fucker. Most of Australia's wildlife gets exaggerated in its lethality (at least I thought it did). Even though everything here bar the sheep spit poison (the trees, dammit! Poison Shooting Trees!), I never thought it was that bad. But not the funnelweb. It's worse than I could ever imagine.
I'm Not Trying To Look Bigger. I'm Preventing Your Escape.
Look at those god damn fangs, they can drive those suckers through your toenails. I wouldn't mind the evil bastards if they lived out in the western wastes like all the rest of our Anti-Christ animals, but this is the, by name: Sydney Funnel Web. How is this fair? It's like having the 'Suburban Sewer Grizzly', and it wields a chainsaw. For god's sake, it's not even a reclusive arachnid bastard; it's known for being an aggressive little fuck. The males, the ones with venom 10 times more potent than the females (that's right, 10 times) are designed to wander looking for females, who hide in (duh) funnel webs. Let me spell that out: It's an aggressive, sadistic, overly toxic hairy asshole and it's made to wander all over Sydney crawling into warm and enclosed spaces. Warm and enclosed spaces like, for example, your shoes and gloves and houses. And, when you have the audacity to wake it up in the morning, it can bite through adamantium. It's venom has Hemotoxic, Neurotoxic and Necrotic effects. I don't know what that last part means, exactly, but Necrotic is never good and it may raise you as a zombie. Not fair.
This is what gets me. Not that it's evil, not that it's deadly, not that i'd rather burn to death while drowning rather than die of this thing, but that it has evolved and adapted in a short period of time to make Australia's cities it's stomping ground. It's not natural, it's vindictive. It's proof of a malevolent God and i'll dare any person to be bitten by this sucker and not beg for divine intervention.
-----
The Point Of This Thread: The Aussie reptile park is a private venture, it gets no funding for the amazing conservation work it does for Tazzy Devils and several other endangered species. The only thing separating these adorable and deadly critters from leaving us forever is the entry fees of those who visit the good people there.
If you wanted to see all these deadly creatures (and a whole bunch of non-lethal and cute/awesome ones as well) in a safe place, the Reptile Park is the place to go. The crazy guys there are friendly, warm and often hilarious. They love their jobs. If you're a local, a tourist, or want to see a grown man piss of an Eight-legged Satan for your amusement (and then learn to survive it), then drop by. Nature will spare you one horrible death.
The SFW has a strike range of literally 0. It's fangs are so large it can only kill things directly below its mouth, and can't move when in a striking position (see above). It can't run fast or leap at you, and if you check your shoes and don't be a dick you can survive an encounter with the little sucker (hand him into authorities to make anti-venom! Take that, SFW!)
Snakes are lazy bastards, and will not chase you. Except perhaps the Brown Snake, because it's a jerk.
Yeah, I just advertised for something. But it's based on an anecdotal good time and a genuine desire to help out the good folks at the ARP, so if you have a complaint I'm teaching Funnelwebs to jump and introducing them to your ecosystem.
PS: I know exactly what Necrotic means. Stop messaging me about it. It was a joke.
Snakes are lazy bastards, and will not chase you. Except perhaps the Brown Snake, because it's a jerk.
Yeah, I just advertised for something. But it's based on an anecdotal good time and a genuine desire to help out the good folks at the ARP, so if you have a complaint I'm teaching Funnelwebs to jump and introducing them to your ecosystem.
PS: I know exactly what Necrotic means. Stop messaging me about it. It was a joke.
