Nationalism, Racism, Theft, Riots, Murder, Sexual Assault...
These, along with j walking and dog scrabbling, are widely regarded in western society to be some of the worst crimes imaginable...
(Unless you're like a sicko or something, in which case I don't want to know if you've come up with anything worse.)
And yet, Human society with it's long history of shaming, Draconian Law, and Overkill Punishments has yet to stamp them out. If unreliable and frankly short sighted sources are to be believed, they've only gotten worse!
The simple fact is that despite how advanced our society has become, what with it's google plus and it's twitter trending sex positions (#QuadrupleCowgirlDonkeyPunching) the true root of these offenses has eluded us for centuries!
Is it poverty? Economic Disparities? Godawful Schooling? Some other Liberal Fiddlefaff?
No...
It was but a mere, spherical ball...
Behold, the true source of Modern Man's woes!
Association Football!
Yes, this supposedly popular ball game has been causing nothing but strife and terror in the hearts of civilized man since it's inception in 1863!
Let us review the speckled past of this oft practiced form of delinquency, as I believe it will shed a better light upon the source of this game's malignancy.
In 1863, the ENGLISH Football Association drafted the rules for the game, IN A FREEMASON BAR! Quite obviously drunk, and wishing to defy the natural domination of hands in the playing of ball related sports, and likely consuming the blood of cockney orphans (as was standard for English masons of the time) they created the game to make use of nothing but feet with only two people, one at each end of the field allowed to use their hands.
While I certainly don't have to explain the cleverly crafted metaphor in this (The goalies are masons/royals, the players are Indian/South American/Argentians trying to start a revolution by kicking the bomb into the parliament. The goalie is probably a quantity surveyor of some sort) it also becomes readily apparent what the goal of the game's creation was.
IMPERIALISM!!
Think about it, the game was invented by the ENGLISH (During the reign of the overweight and ineffectual Victoria I)
The ENGLISH! Do I need anymore proof? Soccer stands in good company among the rest of their greatest hits gallery such as:
British Raj
Doing Nasty things to Argentina
Being REALLY mean to Alan Turing
Inventing the "Teddy Boy"
ALMOST supporting the Confederacy
Inventing Michael Parkinson
NEW Labor
New Zealand
and S Club 7!
However, barring the invention of a time machine (I've often times thought of forcing Stephen Hawking to go backwards in his wheel chair at 80 mph, inside the LHC, but am afraid of unleashing theoretical physicist dinosaurs onto unsuspecting Swiss...)
The grand and despicable machinations of it's designers have come to fruition!
Now we sit and watch while countless foreigners (and northerners) smash each other to bits in grand crowd pleasing soccer riots for their Aristocratic Southern Masters in their Ivory Abbeys. We see millions of Mexicans WILLINGLY turn to watch their fellow hijos del soldados be pitted against each other by these FIFA Maximilians, rather than watch good old fashioned Lucha Libre!
A frankly stupid number of people then sit, and sit, and sit in front of their sets, imbibing far too much alcohol and eating far too many chicken fingers, as to watch a despicable DEATH BALL roll mindlessly across a fake lawn, which dares to spit in the face of god's shag carpet, GRASS. What, was grass not GOOD enough for you Europe?
Ask me this: What GOOD has come of soccer?
What good could possibly come from a game that encourages people to gather in a godforsaken desert like South Africa, dressed like far right nationalists whacked out on somas and Red Bull, so they can reenact the petty national-isms of the past to the sound of a billion, REALLY bored, BEES.
That's what I thought...
So discuss:
Association Football, and it's horrible folly
The various ways we can hurt England's feelings
Practical Time Travel theories
or things that you think are causing all the world's problems.
Football can't be the only thing wrong, after all how else do we explain the oil crisis? It can't all be blamed on limeys...
These, along with j walking and dog scrabbling, are widely regarded in western society to be some of the worst crimes imaginable...
(Unless you're like a sicko or something, in which case I don't want to know if you've come up with anything worse.)
And yet, Human society with it's long history of shaming, Draconian Law, and Overkill Punishments has yet to stamp them out. If unreliable and frankly short sighted sources are to be believed, they've only gotten worse!
The simple fact is that despite how advanced our society has become, what with it's google plus and it's twitter trending sex positions (#QuadrupleCowgirlDonkeyPunching) the true root of these offenses has eluded us for centuries!
Is it poverty? Economic Disparities? Godawful Schooling? Some other Liberal Fiddlefaff?
No...
It was but a mere, spherical ball...
Behold, the true source of Modern Man's woes!
Association Football!
Yes, this supposedly popular ball game has been causing nothing but strife and terror in the hearts of civilized man since it's inception in 1863!
Let us review the speckled past of this oft practiced form of delinquency, as I believe it will shed a better light upon the source of this game's malignancy.
In 1863, the ENGLISH Football Association drafted the rules for the game, IN A FREEMASON BAR! Quite obviously drunk, and wishing to defy the natural domination of hands in the playing of ball related sports, and likely consuming the blood of cockney orphans (as was standard for English masons of the time) they created the game to make use of nothing but feet with only two people, one at each end of the field allowed to use their hands.
While I certainly don't have to explain the cleverly crafted metaphor in this (The goalies are masons/royals, the players are Indian/South American/Argentians trying to start a revolution by kicking the bomb into the parliament. The goalie is probably a quantity surveyor of some sort) it also becomes readily apparent what the goal of the game's creation was.
IMPERIALISM!!
Think about it, the game was invented by the ENGLISH (During the reign of the overweight and ineffectual Victoria I)
The ENGLISH! Do I need anymore proof? Soccer stands in good company among the rest of their greatest hits gallery such as:
British Raj
Doing Nasty things to Argentina
Being REALLY mean to Alan Turing
Inventing the "Teddy Boy"
ALMOST supporting the Confederacy
Inventing Michael Parkinson
NEW Labor
New Zealand
and S Club 7!
However, barring the invention of a time machine (I've often times thought of forcing Stephen Hawking to go backwards in his wheel chair at 80 mph, inside the LHC, but am afraid of unleashing theoretical physicist dinosaurs onto unsuspecting Swiss...)
The grand and despicable machinations of it's designers have come to fruition!
Now we sit and watch while countless foreigners (and northerners) smash each other to bits in grand crowd pleasing soccer riots for their Aristocratic Southern Masters in their Ivory Abbeys. We see millions of Mexicans WILLINGLY turn to watch their fellow hijos del soldados be pitted against each other by these FIFA Maximilians, rather than watch good old fashioned Lucha Libre!
A frankly stupid number of people then sit, and sit, and sit in front of their sets, imbibing far too much alcohol and eating far too many chicken fingers, as to watch a despicable DEATH BALL roll mindlessly across a fake lawn, which dares to spit in the face of god's shag carpet, GRASS. What, was grass not GOOD enough for you Europe?
Ask me this: What GOOD has come of soccer?
What good could possibly come from a game that encourages people to gather in a godforsaken desert like South Africa, dressed like far right nationalists whacked out on somas and Red Bull, so they can reenact the petty national-isms of the past to the sound of a billion, REALLY bored, BEES.
That's what I thought...
So discuss:
Association Football, and it's horrible folly
The various ways we can hurt England's feelings
Practical Time Travel theories
or things that you think are causing all the world's problems.
Football can't be the only thing wrong, after all how else do we explain the oil crisis? It can't all be blamed on limeys...
