Yes, I combined two Metallica track titles for the thread name.
Now let's see if I can type this out half as well as it sounded in my head.
Firstly, a little about me. 25, not overly social but apparently personable enough, often without even trying but that's its own problem for another thread.
Now how to start... Hell, why not start at the start! A novel idea, surely. I should patent it, but I digress.
Four years ago I start at a new job. I am a shy antisocial wretch confused by this new life of working for a living, determined to just put his head down, do the deed and make it home at the end of the night. Time passes and I become more approachable, the other workers on my section are talked to, and I yet live.
One day, I hear a noise. A most divine noise that I quickly realise originated from some sort of angel-thing made flesh and working in my office where I'd not seen her before.
Cue three years of me attempting to work up the nerve to talk to her, failing, pining, bitching to friends about how I suck, and ultimately watching her walk out the door having been made redundant with no idea who I was or how I felt. That was a little over a year ago. We shall call this person Black, and the more astute of you will ken why and where I'm going with this.
Now the timing for this next part is iffy but let's assume it's a little over 18 months ago. A person arrives in a nameless multiplayer game I frequent and proceeds to be annoyingly superior to myself. We shall call this person Red. Barbs are thrown, thinly-veiled insults are uttered, other players reference that me and Red should either fight or have sex and I am not vehemently opposed to either. Red leaves my little posse but we still keep in contact, largely if not entirely of my own volition.
This person, this Red, contributes towards perhaps 10% of all conversations we have, if that, making me feel rather marginalised. I'm told this Red is the same towards everybody else but it doesn't make me feel much better. At times I have been told I am interesting, but then I am not listened to. I have been told I am not being ignored, but then I am... well, replies are not forthcoming.
Now, the point of this thread is this;
It's been proposed by several people who know me that I have a slight disposition towards obsessiveness. I don't see it myself if I'm honest, but working on the assumption that they are correct, Red arrives on the scene at roughly the time Black leaves. If I have been obsessed with anything in my life, it is Black.
However;
More and more Black has been fading from the foreground of my conscious thoughts to be replaced by Red. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Firstly, if I am obsessing then it's not likely to be healthy whomever is the focus. Secondly, and perhaps the true reason for this thread (so much so I shall bold it);
Red makes me feel rage, Black made me feel.
It's no exaggeration to say I didn't think I could ever feel something approaching longing for another person, at least nothing transcending lust and mere physical desire. And yet... whallop. Now I'm a snivelling wretch of an emotional wreck typing this shit out and I don't like who I've become.
Anyway.
I suppose what I'm asking is, what do you think I should do? Red is not particularly receptive to any ham-fisted attempts at an advance I've laboured in the past, but from what I've garnered she does seem to be a pre-Black version of me but with the massive superiority complex I had from a few years prior before the stark fragility of mortality was shewn me first-hand.
... where am I going with this? I'm going to post this now, re-read it and no doubt edit parts. Feel free to comment regardless.
Now let's see if I can type this out half as well as it sounded in my head.
Firstly, a little about me. 25, not overly social but apparently personable enough, often without even trying but that's its own problem for another thread.
Now how to start... Hell, why not start at the start! A novel idea, surely. I should patent it, but I digress.
Four years ago I start at a new job. I am a shy antisocial wretch confused by this new life of working for a living, determined to just put his head down, do the deed and make it home at the end of the night. Time passes and I become more approachable, the other workers on my section are talked to, and I yet live.
One day, I hear a noise. A most divine noise that I quickly realise originated from some sort of angel-thing made flesh and working in my office where I'd not seen her before.
Cue three years of me attempting to work up the nerve to talk to her, failing, pining, bitching to friends about how I suck, and ultimately watching her walk out the door having been made redundant with no idea who I was or how I felt. That was a little over a year ago. We shall call this person Black, and the more astute of you will ken why and where I'm going with this.
Now the timing for this next part is iffy but let's assume it's a little over 18 months ago. A person arrives in a nameless multiplayer game I frequent and proceeds to be annoyingly superior to myself. We shall call this person Red. Barbs are thrown, thinly-veiled insults are uttered, other players reference that me and Red should either fight or have sex and I am not vehemently opposed to either. Red leaves my little posse but we still keep in contact, largely if not entirely of my own volition.
This person, this Red, contributes towards perhaps 10% of all conversations we have, if that, making me feel rather marginalised. I'm told this Red is the same towards everybody else but it doesn't make me feel much better. At times I have been told I am interesting, but then I am not listened to. I have been told I am not being ignored, but then I am... well, replies are not forthcoming.
Now, the point of this thread is this;
It's been proposed by several people who know me that I have a slight disposition towards obsessiveness. I don't see it myself if I'm honest, but working on the assumption that they are correct, Red arrives on the scene at roughly the time Black leaves. If I have been obsessed with anything in my life, it is Black.
However;
More and more Black has been fading from the foreground of my conscious thoughts to be replaced by Red. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Firstly, if I am obsessing then it's not likely to be healthy whomever is the focus. Secondly, and perhaps the true reason for this thread (so much so I shall bold it);
Red makes me feel rage, Black made me feel.
It's no exaggeration to say I didn't think I could ever feel something approaching longing for another person, at least nothing transcending lust and mere physical desire. And yet... whallop. Now I'm a snivelling wretch of an emotional wreck typing this shit out and I don't like who I've become.
Anyway.
I suppose what I'm asking is, what do you think I should do? Red is not particularly receptive to any ham-fisted attempts at an advance I've laboured in the past, but from what I've garnered she does seem to be a pre-Black version of me but with the massive superiority complex I had from a few years prior before the stark fragility of mortality was shewn me first-hand.
... where am I going with this? I'm going to post this now, re-read it and no doubt edit parts. Feel free to comment regardless.
