The weirdest thing you have ever written

[Joseph Harrison]

I just got done writing an essay for English about how the word "Fuck" is my personal hero. So I was thinking what is the weirdest thing that you have ever written, whether it be for work, for school or just for fun. I'd say that the Fuck essay is probably the weirdest, if not the choose your own adventure story I wrote which included a robot MLK and a kamikaze Curious George.

So post em if you have em

Spoiler

I know it may sound cheesy but my hero has had such a profound impact on me that the second this assignment was given I knew who it'd be. My hero of the moment is the word fuck. Fuck has been with me forever but it has not been until recently that I have truly realized the deep and meaningful impact that he has had on my life. Whether I'm exclaiming "Fuck me" or rather more creative fucks like "Fuck me in my goddamn skinny white ass" Fuck has always been around to cheer me up and give me a proper way to emote and truly express my feelings.
I was first introduced to Fuck as a young boy, in third grade I believe, possibly younger; I remember the joys the Fuck first brought me. The feeling that you?re breaking the rules and doing what the adults do not want you to do is what made it so compelling. As a child your whole life is scheduled and controlled that swearing is one of the only activities that we had that we could do that the adults could not stop. Unfortunately, as time went on Fuck and I were tragically separated and it would take me a great many more years for me and Fuck to be romantically reunited once again. It was to be multiplayer videogames that would bring me and Fuck back together.
As much as I do not want to perpetrate stereotypes, videogames really brought back my swearing habit with a vengeance. The game was Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, online multiplayer to be precise. Now I want go into too much detail but let?s just say that I'm not very good at this videogame. And while I'm normally quite a reasonable person something about this game drove me into a rage. The words that would come out of my mouth while playing this game would shock and astound even the most worldly of people, but I would continue to play the game regardless. Of course me and Fuck were not truly reunited at this point for I was using Fuck as a blunt force tool, like a machete, instead of the precise, graceful instrument that it is. As I grew I learned that my screaming tirades were not doing Fuck justice and now I settle for weaving Fuck into a beautiful sentence like an expert weaver with yarn.

 

[Keoul]

Lesbian Navy officer being attacked by pirates for an end of year exam.
I really REALLY don't know what I was thinking at the time >>

 

[Amethyst Wind]

The first time in my life I ever touched coffee was during university while I was pulling an all nighter for a Philosophy essay that I thought was due the next day.

Coffee does weird things to my thought processes. It was a 3000 word essay and I wrote 600 words on kicking a badger up the arse as a metaphor for time paradoxes.

Needless to say, the next day when I discovered that I had 4 more days to finish the paper I asked for it back.

 

[Revnak_v1legacy]

Probably that S&M joke I made here a while back. Or the thread I derailed by making extremely non-sensical jokes about beastiality and penises.

 

[SomeLameStuff]

An essay on time travel and time paradoxes. The weird thing is, I didn't mention Doctor Who AT ALL. That is VERY strange.

 

[CrimsonBlaze]

I have a few story ideas that began a mere thoughts and expanded to short narratives. I keep them under a different archive than all my other works titled, "Strange stuff that just came to me and I'm not sure if I should continue on."

One of these stories is about a young woman and an older man who are beginning a relationship that nobody approves of and are forcefully kept apart by a strange individual from a different time. He wants to prevent the two from ever getting together in order to wipe out his whole existence and prevent him from experiencing the "hell" that he came from.

 

[Lilani]

I have an "idea book" that I try keep with me at all times and write down good/clever ideas whenever I think of them. Sometimes they're random lines or phrases, sometimes story or art/animation concepts, or sometimes just clever things I find inspiring that I'll want to remember later. However, sometimes I don't have it on me, or I just don't feel like digging it out so I write it someplace else. One of those alternative places has become the sticky note feature on my Mac's dashboard. One of the notes simply says "need 6 more boxes of puppies," and for the life of me I can't figure out why I wrote it.

 

[Ultress]

I wrote an easy where me and Setzer used his airship to pick up women by literately hitting on them(i.e hitting them with the ship). Based of the prompt: If I had a million dollars

 

[SomeLameStuff]

I have an "idea book" that I try keep with me at all times and write down good/clever ideas whenever I think of them. Sometimes they're random lines or phrases, sometimes story or art/animation concepts, or sometimes just clever things I find inspiring that I'll want to remember later. However, sometimes I don't have it on me, or I just don't feel like digging it out so I write it someplace else. One of those alternative places has become the sticky note feature on my Mac's dashboard. One of the notes simply says "need 6 more boxes of puppies," and for the life of me I can't figure out why I wrote it.

Why WOULDN'T you write that? You can never have enough puppies!

 

[Marter]

I think it was something about fire breathing monkeys. Not entirely sure on either part, though. It definitely had something to do with one of them. Maybe.

 

[triggrhappy94]

Oh I'm sure I've written some twisted things before.

Recently, I started a conspiracy about how it actually is possible to divide by zero and that mathmaticians and scientists are just trying to hide it.

Or, how in a different thread I talked about how (thanks to Sony's DRM policies) if you pre-order Metal Gear 10 with Gamestop you'll get a limited edition dick-scanner, featuring Raiden themed art. You'll never guess where it'll look like you're sticking your dick in relation to the Raiden art work.

EDIT:
I've said way more twisted. Some of my closer friends know me as the guy who's not afraid to say some of the most twisted things to come to mind.

In my old high school physics class we used to use personal white boards to anwser question. I normally just drew on it, a couple times I wrote "Magic" then held it up as my answer.

EDIT:EDIT:

Spoiler: After a quick trip to my facebook page

Spoiler: A cover to Sublime's Date Rape I wrote

Let me tell you about a boy I know,
Updated his status about an hour ago.
Sitting at the computer, by himself.
In his home in suburban hell.
He heard a noice and looked to the IM bar,
and say a profile picture he'd never seen before.
Light skin, light blue eyes, a double chin and a plastic smile.
His interest peeked as he promised food,
and to take him to a bar.
"My brand new car is park right outside,
how'd you like to go for a ride."
And he said, "Wait a minute I'm not 18."
He said "That's fine, may I please come in."
One minute turned into three or four.
And then they got into his car and drove away some place real far.

"Setheroth is Cloud's dad"

"Instead of roses to the people moving onto the next round, I think The Bachelor should give cats to the people who lose"

""Take advantage of your opponent's ability loss"
...while your opponent takes advantage of lag and stabs you in the face."

"My profile will not be governed by fact-checkers.
On an unrelated note, I have a Docterate in getting Docterates, I speak every language known to man, and my net worth is infinity."

"It's kind of funny to see that Dub step made a come back. I remember I used to listen to it all the time back in the '90s when I turned on my computer or tried to connect to the internet."

"I take two tax cuts in the morning, and I take two tax cuts at night. I take two tax cuts in the afternoon, it make me feel alright. I take two tax cuts in peace, and two in time of war. I take two tax cuts, before I take two tax cuts, then I take two more."

"Can't tell you what my policy is, but I can tell you what it looks like... and it looks gooood."

These were just the most recent posts. I it gets a lot weirder the farther back you go.

For an English class, we had to write Goldelocks in the style of the author of the book we had just read. I had just read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

 

[PunkyMcGee]

I tried writing a fanfic once. not a sexual one mind you but a fanfic none the less. It was going to try to make a buddy cop parity with MLP characters. but after the first couple of chapters I realized I can't write creatively for shit. Also, my grammar and spelling suck. So, I scraped the whole thing.

 

[JaceArveduin]

Had to write a short assignment for writer's comp, but it had to have something to do with a picture we were giving. Well, I had a picture of a dude making coffee in his house, or something like that, and I made him a 4chan troll that was being mentally tormented by ponies, all the while he was trying to get random villains to disperse them.

All of this was done without the aid of mind-altering substances, or coffee/energy drinks, or an overdose of sugar.

 

[Spinozaad]

I try a lot of stream of consciousness writing, so that's usually weird.

But when I tried to write a story while tripping balls on shrooms, the end result was very weird...

 

[Casual Shinji]

One of my first posts on the Escapist was on how I believed the toilet was the one and true symbol of equality, which I still do.

 

[Joseph Harrison]

One of my first posts on the Escapist was on how I believed the toilet was the one and true symbol of equality, which I still do.

I once heard that the reason man was the dominant gender was because they stand when they pee. It was a pretty good argument.

 

[Palademon]

Say hello to my revised personal statement, mocking other personal statements, after my tutor said mine was too pessimistic.

Spoiler

"I want to be a game designer. Playing games has always been my greatest hobby. I want to stick it to the publishers of big games and make the next big thing and watch them all go bankrupt as I sit in my wheely chair, stroking my white cat, and cackling. I want to ignore the rule about games never being finished before release. I want to be the guy playing with dinosaur toys at his desk, about to make the next biggest breakthrough in fun. If I don?t get the job I might as well die, because reasons. Also I like economics and am going to go swim with turtles in space in my gap year. And this gap year will take place between the years 1985 and 1955. Because the new speed limits will be 80, and so 88 will be on the edge of the ?10% variation?. My games will cure cancer, and give all children in the world super power AIDS. I also plan to revolutionise cloud gaming by eliminating the need to leave your house to do jobs. All lorries will be wirelessly controlled by an online server running ?Euro Truck Simulator?. I will saturate the iRectum market with vibrator apps. And all the world?s cars will run on procrastination. The world?s leaders will just be the tallest ones. America has already taken advantage of this idea, and it is working well. I will become the world?s only pimpking gamer president contortionist, with the highly unique and respectable nickname of XxzzLe3TShn1PZZZZssx the Third. Every male?s love spuds will be replaced with corrupt Aperture Science personality cores, screaming for space and cake ingredients. And as they all look up to my grand nutsack tower, and beg for rhubarb, I?ll look down and whisper??FREE DA DEEDAH!!?."

Let's see if that ISN'T TOO NEGATIVE. Sorry that optimists enterperet realism for pessimism. If I did have some negativity to get over in my personal statement it may have something to do with people called negative when I'm being honest. When I say I have very few interests, it is true. As much as my tutor would like to believe I don't have some hidden talent. YES I SHOULD BE ABSOLUTELY SURE OF MY CAREER AND MY ABILITY IN THAT CAREER AT THE AGE OF 17.

 

[SckizoBoy]

Erm... probably an original story set in a fantasy world's high school positively dripping with homoeroticism...

(Yes, language deliberate...) -_-

 

[DanielBrown]

Hm, I wrote and recorded a short song once about Cthulhu being a sex offender who stalked people over the phone. Guess that's up in the top somewhere.
Not 100% sure about the lyrics. A bit hard to hear what the hell I sung.

Spoiler: Lyrics

Cthulhu's calling
I hung up
Someone's coming
Up with the cock

Cthulhu's calling
Run away
Please leave a message
After the beep

Cthulhu's calling
Pick up, pick up
Someone's coming
*incoherent noise*

Cthulhu's calling
Get the fuck out
Please leave a message
After the beep

I wanna cum inside you!

 

[CpT_x_Killsteal]

I wrote a horror story for my grade 8 English assignment.

We were supposed to write one for little kids in the hospital... I thought it was sweet...

I still got an A- though. That teacher was awesome.