The World Is A Literal Horror Movie, Lets Write the Survival Guide

[cojo965]

Genres for this thread include, but aren't limited to:

Creature feature
Torture flick
Slasher
Supernatural

Any others I missed, please fill me in. Now allow me to offer my tips.

It pays to be the nerd. Knowing shit may be what gets you out alive.

Don't bother with the police, they won't do a damn thing.

Being the obvious school slut will get you fucking killed, NO EXCEPTIONS.

So you want to get busy with sexy time, better lock yourself inside a concrete bunker and coat the walls with every single repellent sign . Otherwise you may want to have someone on hand to help out with your will because you are not going last long enough to get another chance.

 

[Total LOLige]

It's threads like these that make me wish I'd seen more horror films.

Supernatural Survival 101
Rule #1: Always be packing salt, crucifixes, Samuel Clot's revolver, garlic, stakes, holy water.
Rule #2: Don't trust any random hot women(or men), she's/he's a demon *****.
Rule #3: Don't invite strangers that include the meter guy, pizza dudes, someone asking to borrow your phone(if you've been transported to the 1950s). These people may be vampires.
Rule #4: Play rock music loud constantly
Rule #5: Don't trust demons, ever.

Slasher Survival 101
Rule #1: Don't be the black guy or a hot female
Rule #2: Skinny dipping in a lake t night is a huge no no
Rule #3: Get the fuck out of there after the first person dies
Rule #4: Whatever you do, don't go in there
Rule #5: Avoid entering the following abandoned buildings, factories, mansions, cabins, anywhere with hooks and conveyor belts

Torture Survival 101
Rule #1: Don't play the fucking game
Rule #2: Never travel to europe

We could do How to Survive as A bad Guy's Henchman 101, not horror themed but might be quite cool.

 

[Angelblaze]

If you are a woman, and you see a Winchester brother...don't get INVOLVED.
RUN.
QUICKLY.
IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.
NO WOMAN EVER ESCAPES A RELATIONSHIP WITH THOSE TWO ALIVE....at least in season 4.
--
If you are a WOMAN and you are NOT THIS WOMAN:

YOU...ARE GOING...TO TRIP...ON YOUR OWN DAMN TWO FEET...WHILE BEING CHASED BY THE MONSTER. AND THEN YOU'LL DIE.
--
You're black...


Not good.
At all
Ever
--
Wearing a red shirt?
Hahah.
You're screwed.
--
If the monsters couldn't be stopped by the army, look for the nearest 'Tough guy with a softer side' and stick with him. For some reason hes got more combat training then your average veteran.
--
Fun fact: Creatures that spit acid...

can SPIT acid....

meaning you have to dodge and run, and be careful.
--
Don't have sex. Just don't.
--
Don't use hand to hand combat on the zombies unless you feel like your brain is weighing you down.
--
When all hope is lost, get on a non-infected boat. Seriously for some reason zombies usually can't swim.
Why is this?
--
No, the zombie's bodies will not rot. Stop trying to apply logic to that which does not focus on logic.
--
If you say "who's there?" Don't act all scared and screamy when you get a fucking answer.
--
See that guy that is obviously evil and will undoubtedly turn his back on us and give us up to the monster or even worse: sneak the monster in for experimentation or some shit?

Kill him.


nonono - none of that 'We don't know whether or not he's guilty'. We all know that one ************ en-sight at this point. Just boom-headshot his ass and save the survival colony some trouble.
--
Is Harrison Ford near by you?
Yes?
You're fine. Dude's a badass.
--
Why do zombies only eat the brains and not the rest of the body?
Because reasons.
--
You know that moment when the monster dodges your ultimate badass attack or something and you stare at it in awe?

Yeah.
Don't do that.
Fucking run.
--



Captcha: How do you consume media?

Byte by delicious data-filled byte.

 

[Nouw]

Don't drink the redrum and always remember the words. Being insane isn't too bad either, even if you have the odd hallucination.

 

[twistedmic]

When attacking the monster/killer, one hit is never enough. In fact, twenty hits might not be enough. It is better to err on the side of caution and continue to hit the creature/killer until your weapon breaks, you run out of ammo and then your weapon breaks or you physically cannot lift your arms anymore.

 

[Catfood220]

--
If you are a WOMAN and you are NOT THIS WOMAN:

YOU...ARE GOING...TO TRIP...ON YOUR OWN DAMN TWO FEET...WHILE BEING CHASED BY THE MONSTER. AND THEN YOU'LL DIE.

Unless your name is Buffy or Faith in which case there is no need to run as you can turn around beat the monster to death with your hands.

 

[Scarim Coral]

This saved me some time typing it out-


Other than that, we all know that when you're in a group of people NEVER EVER SPLIT UP!!

 

[Doclector]

Supernatural horror survival guide:

Rule number 1: NEVER. EVER. Say there's a rational explanation for all of this. You will be proven wrong. Your fate will be the most cruel and unusual one of the entire scenario.

Rule number 2: Y'know that gut instinct that tells you that something looks creepy and is most likely cursed/haunted? Like that old house down the street with the busted windows and out of control plant life? Fucking listen to it.

Rule number 2.5: Rule number 2 goes double if some creepy old guy tells you that bad things happen around said object/place.

Rule number 3: If it isn't alive and it looks like it has a face, be it a book, be it a house, be it a fucking walking stick, STAY AWAY.

Rule number 4: If bitten by anything, for fucks sake, lock yourself away somewhere. Just for one night. If nothing happens, meh, what's the big problem? Just...take the goddamn precaution.

Rule number 5: Be wary of the gifts of strangers.

Rule number 6: There's nothing wrong with walking away from a dare. In fact, it'll save your life.

rule number 7: Listen to the stoner. Just because he's paranoid, doesn't mean something isn't out to get you.

rule number 8: Before moving to a new house, always ask if someone died there.

 

[Mister K]

Just some general tips:

-If you are a woman, never wear high-heels or overly-revealing clothing;

-If you are a black guy, be a cook:

Spoiler

-If you have a person in your group, that thinks that you must negtiate with a threat, or capture it, but not run away, call for help or kill it, tie this person up. Don't forget to gag his or her mouth;

-Never, ever ever, EVER EVER, piss off death with your speeches about how goddamn strong/smart/cool you are;

-If you want to say "well, that's finally over" or stuff like that, then shut your mouth and stay quiet. If a member of your group wants to say something like that, shut THEIR mouth. Or knock them out, as a warning to others.

 

[Realitycrash]

Snip

Did she play Sara Connor too? Otherwise, Sara Connor-actress should count too.

 

[teqrevisited]

I'll only add a few on, most of the main ones are up.

-The person that went to go and get help (and obviously didn't see this horror film before) isn't coming back: they're dead.

-The first noise you hear and go to inspect will be a cat and a stock cat screech sound effect. The killer will try to get you in the moments of relief afterwards.

-Don't answer the phone.

-Don't even go near the TV.

-Don't say "What's the worst that could happen?" You will shoot to the top of the 'Likely to be murdered next' list.

 

[Little Woodsman]

1-No matter how impractical it seems, it is a *really* good idea to have access to a sword. Bokken are OK.

2-Practice your kanji!

3-If you come across a tiny shop with a sign that says "Enter Freely, Unafraid" on the door window--I know it flies
in the face of all logic but for heaven's sake go in there!

4-If you meet a distinguished looking gentleman with dark hair graying at the temples and a 70's mustache, and he
introduces himself as "Steven", "Stephen" or "Dr. Saunders" stick with him. Graft yourself to his leg if possible.

5-Is it really that hard to shove a cross in the face of everyone you meet?

6-Nursery rhymes *always* hold great power. Either in the rhyme itself, or in the wisdom/clues they can give.

7-It is *never* over. Well unless the beautiful gypsy in #3 gave you something that she said would fix everything
and you used it.

 

[Gormech]

1: Be the monster/psycho/etc.
2: Think
3: Don't do drugs.
4: Sex is limited to BDSM with you being the dom.
5: Carry a knife. Not the foldable ones.
6: Don't make jokes.
7: Avoid law enforcement of all kinds.
8: Keep an odd pet. Something like a gator or vulture.
9: The gun section
--------------------------
Pistols: Good if you can aim. Use hollowpoints.
SMGs: Bad
Assault rifles: Bad
Sniper Rifles: Good
Flamethrowers: Good only if there are multiple enemies.
Lazer/electric weapons: Good
Shotguns: Best bet. Use slugs.

 

[Muspelheim]

If you hear a faint choir of children fornlornly going "aaaa-aaa-aaaa-aaaaah, aaaaah, aaaa-aaaah, aaaaaaaahhh..." in the background, turn around and vacate the scenic area at once!

Get a reliable car, some sort of blessed Volkswagen beetle modified with decentanium parts if need be. Anything that holds. Or even better, a bike. Bikes won't suddenly refuse to start when prowling murderers are approaching.

As for weapons, get a bolt action military rifle of some description. The nasties will likely have a weak point, and you're better off being accurate with a punch than going Arnold.

Or at the very least a pistol so you won't be caught short for the dramatic turning scene if you are bitten by a zombie.

 

[Vausch]

Creature Feature:

#1: Stay well armed with a long reaching melee weapon, preferably something with a sharp edge like a sharpened shovel or Shaolin spade.

#2: IF the mayor/governor/high ranking official says anything like "We've got a big event coming up and won't stop it for any reason", you are justified in killing them.

#3: If said event still happens, leave town for the day. Get your family, friends, their family, and just get out of town.

#4: If you think the creature is dead after the first attempt, you're wrong. Kill it again, remove its head, do whatever you can but make sure it's undeniably dead. Then cut it to pieces and get them as far away from each other as you can. (See Jeepers Creepers 2 and the idiot farmer at the end of).

#5: There's never more than one. Check the surrounding area for nests, bring a flame-thrower.

#6: Guns will be useless if the creature is reptilian. Logic doesn't factor in, somehow the thing will have scales thick enough to stop any bullet somehow. Particularly crocodiles and alligators. Snakes under 50 feet are the exception but may regenerate despite established rules.

#7: For the love of god do not take a strange egg home.

#8: Tractor Tyres do not keep you safe from underground creatures.

#9: Don't taunt the creature after you think you escaped from it.

#10: Pro-tip: C4, detonator, meat, human shape. Test the C4 to insure the formula is correct.

 

[Vausch]

.
--
When all hope is lost, get on a non-infected boat. Seriously for some reason zombies usually can't swim.
Why is this?
--
No, the zombie's bodies will not rot. Stop trying to apply logic to that which does not focus on logic.
--
Why do zombies only eat the brains and not the rest of the body?
Because reasons.
--

-Zombies can still walk on the bottom of the ocean and some can climb up anchor lines. Worth having someone keep watch.

-In answer to the rotting and brains: Some zombies continue rotting and eating a brain releases endorphins that make it hurt less. Said zombies are fast, relatively intelligent, and can talk, but still single minded.

 

[Wolf In A Bear Suit]

Dear god, don't investigate the strange noise, RUN. Also recoiling in horror isn't really a valid defense mechanism against murderers. Don't be an absolute fool, and don't be that cocky guy who thinks he can knock Satan out with one punch. Be likeable, and you may very well survive. It's like cabin in the woods.

Spoiler

Basically be the last two people who survive Cabin in The Woods....... that is before through some idiotic decision they alone decide to end the world because, Hey why not? Sorry I know I'm a year late

 

[zombiejoe]

Psychological Horror
#1 Things are going to get weird, so be prepared for that.

Now should we assume that what you see is real or imaginary?

 

[ramboondiea]

if the world is a horror movie,and therefore obeys movie rules then the only way to survive is for it to ignore you, so best way is if you are a guy, just get your junk out and never put it away, think about it, how many guy crotch shots are in horrors, so if your not wearing any pants then you cant be killed because you cant be shown. BOOM survival!

basically when ever something bad is happening or your in a dark area and hear a strange noise, take your pants off [if you are a guy, women DONT DO THIS you will kill us all!] statistically the world cant pay attention to you because an 18 rating doesn't cover wangs. don't have sex tho, that will increase your chance of getting killed. i mean this isnt a full proof system, it just increases your chance of getting off [laughs] scot free, worst case is an off screen death which is probably the the best way to go.

i do think that this should definitely be at the back of the survival guide, a last option when your really screwed, i.e literally Satan Jason and Freddie are surrounding you with the ring girl due any minute.


tl;dr when in doudt, whip it out.

 

[The Lugz]

When all hope is lost, get on a non-infected boat. Seriously for some reason zombies usually can't swim.
Why is this?

because most zombies are slow pathetic creatures with the dexterity of a toddler, and swimming is beyond them
they could probably float and wave around a bit, but swimming seems too hard to me..

also water is rather hazardous to humans and we have a built in em.. 'respect' for it and don't just dive in it for kicks whenever it is around an Ubervirus may find that aspect of the brain and avoid water?

who knows, but it's a fair Mcguffin to exploit in my opinion it is semi logical at least.