I loved her, I really did. I was 16 and she was 14. We both loved games and anime(she was the first girl to show interest in stuff like that). We were both pretty introverted, smart, artistically gifted(we'll she was, but I do have a vast artistic knowledge), and sensible.
We had the same religion and beliefs(to a certain extent- I'll clarify later on).
We fell in love unintentionally one with each other(no one would have predicted it).
Everything seemed to be perfect. I was even hoping some day we'd get married.
Ok, what was horribly wrong with this picture?
She was suicidal. I almost found this out the hard way.
Then an intense program of anti-depression came.
I tried everything(I think). Talking to her, going to therapy with her, trying to convince her and her mother to take medication, and studying her family history.
Turned out that her mother was abused while she was pregnant, or something like that. After she was born, her drunk father constantly abused her mom(and maybe even her) till the age of 4. Oh and her mom was suicidal after the father left. But after some years in an asylum she "got better". This was a reason the mother refused to give Karina(my ex-love) any medication, or send her to therapy.
All her life, Karina considered she's a bad person that deserves punishment, a mistake of nature, something made by accident that deserves to suffer and that the only redemption she'll have will be after she's dead.
After several months of showing her the world's not that bad, and no one hates her, and that I love her, the end resul was... *I'm actually quite sad remembering this whole story* ... that she'd been cutting herself because she was causing me pain, and thus being evil.
She did love me but she didn't understand how could someone love her.
When I found out that she was injuring herself I started crying and told her that I love her and that I don't want her to suffer any more, and that by hurting herself she hurts my feelings, and that if she cares for me or for her she must stop.
After thin incident, I asked for help from my folks and from experts. But in the end everyone told me that I can't do anything more, and that I should end the relation ship.
I still didn't give up on her but in the end I realised that my sentimental attraction to her was causing her more pain. So I decided to end the relationship(put it on hold until she gets better).
But then the obsession to fix things came into play. I couldn't give up. I was miserable that I didn't try my best. I couldn't sleep at night, I couldn't eat, nor concentrate at school.
I started talking to myself for being too soft, for not fixing her. I mad up an imaginary "friend" that started "coaching" me, teaching me how to become more powerful, and solve problems, how not to get emotionally attached any more. I started to put my body under pain so I could toughen myself.
Then I realised I was but a shadow of the man I once were, and that my life became horrible.
Then I started thinking of a way to "fix" myself. And suicide sounded like an option.
While I was planing my death I realised what a mistake I was doing. How I was throwing my life away.
Then the answer hit me. The cause of my problem was Karina and the fact that she wasn't happy.
I could have solved all by killing her(I considered it immoral to kill yourself, but not someone else). I would have hit 2 birds with one stone. She would have gotten what she wanted I would have gotten peace.
I planed everything.
On the day of the crime, while I was waiting outside of her school(I was 2 hours ahead of her end class) a miracle(I like to call it that) happened.
I said : "Ok God, if this is wrong, it's show time for You!"
And nothing happened. I waited, and waited, and waited. I started betting bored. I started looking at the birds and flowers around the bench I was sitting on, enjoying the smell and stuff like that. Then a watchman came and asked me if there was a problem. I said I was waiting for my GF. Then the dude started taking to me about the good weather, the sunshine, how little money he earned, and how pleased he was with his job, how he'd fought in the war and deserted, and other things.
Then the school hours finished.
And I waited, and waited. But no one came out of Karina's class room. Then I asked:"Do you know anything about my GF, Karina?"
The watchman replied:"Oh today 2 of her teachers were sick and she finished class 3 hours earlier".
I was amazed. The coincidence was astonishing! + I had this great positive feeling after taking to the watchman. I was happy. I didn't care. I felt good, I had forgotten all about her.
So I went home, told my parent I need some help because I had some suicidal thoughts(they didn't take the news well at all). And started therapy and mediacation.
3 Years later (present day) I'm OK. Karina found a new boyfriend, got over her problems (or so I've heard) and so did I.
I've changed and now my life is really good.
So that's the story of a really fucked up thing I almost did. And I pray to God I'll never think about anything that terrible again!
