I've been thinnking of making a thread like this for awhile, but for one reason or another I've generally stopped myself, often telling myself "why bother? you'll just get flamed or called an attention whore or some other crap". I've since decided to just throw up my hands and pull a big "fuck it".
I can't promise this thread will be well formed, lead into any kind of discussion, or even that I'll take to heart whatever anybody says in this, as the thread title says, this is just me voicing what's on my mind.
I'm not really asking for any kind of advice, which is why I am putting this in off topic instead of advice. If the mods feel they should move it, then ok, that's up to them.
I honestly don't know how to feel anymore. For so many years, from one source or another, I've basicly been bombarded with things that have over the last 22 years have lead to my heart hardening towards pretty much everything. I've become cynical, jaded, pessimistic, and frankly quiet nihilistic. Weirdly though I only feel this way about myself, when talking to others, despite my not being particularly fond of other people, I'm more than capable of being supportive.
For example, after my ex and I broke up, less than 2 weeks later I found out that a friend of hers had feelings for her, and my Ex for her friend, though neither of them had ever acted on them because they didn't know if the other felt the same and didn't want to risk driving a potential wedge between them. I told both of them how the other felt when it was all 3 of us together, or as together as you can get since this was a long distance relationship for me where as my ex and her friend hung out quiet frequently.
I gave them plenty of warning about how if they actually decided to try being a couple that if the relationship failed it could drastically alter their friendship and possible ruin things between them, knowing that, they thought about it for awhile then decided to get together.
Even though it killed me personally to do it, I told my ex that I wanted her to be happy, even if it wasn't with me.
Even now, all this time later, my ex, her girlfriend and I still talk to each other, A few times said conversations have ended up drifting into their sex life together. Again, while it kills me to hear this stuff, I still lend an ear because I want to be supportive and a good friend and all that.
When other people try to be supportive or helpful with me though I have a tendency to shoot down what they say, saying things like how my life can't get better or how I'll never have a girlfriend of my own. Understandably this frustraits my friends to no end.
This isn't a recent thing though, like I said these feelings have built up over 22 long years of falling through the cracks, being told things like "I don't need to hear this", "could you stop that before the neighbors get upset" "get over it" "suck it up" "nobody cares" "attention whore" and on the rare occasions where I've tried to take steps to actually improve things for myself, having said attempts backfire, go nowhere, or in the most recent event when I tried to find a therapist, get told "we don't make house calls", which is a deal breaker since I'm agoraphobic, and one time actually get told that while they recognized I need help, unless I try to commit suicide and fail, they cannot help me.
Am I suicidal? Yeah I'd say I am, but my negativity towards myself extends so far I don't believe I could even do that, even if I were to get a gun and shoot myself in the head I believe that with my luck, the bullet would travel some kind of one in a billion path through my brain and I'd survive with little more than a speech impedement or something like that. I know that probably makes no sense, but it's what I honestly believe.
My being unemployable due to mental problems such as developmental delays and a tendency to shut down when pressured beyond what I can handle don't help matters either.
I'm sure by this point, if anybody has actually read my prattling thus far, I'll just be called a lazy bastard who just wants my life to magically get better without working for it, and while I agree that I am lazy in a lot of regards, and I literally am a bastard as I'm a child of unwed parents. I just don't believe my life can ever get better, even if I were to work my ass off.
Recently I had my 28th birthday, yeah I know, I said the last 22 years have made me this way, which means this would have all started when I was 6. To be honest that probably is when it started because that's when I was put on a rather potent, and vile tasting drug called Prednazone, as I had kidney problems and it was the only drug that would keep my kidney functioning. To cut that particular story short, that drug essentially destroyed my personality, drastically altered my appearance and lead to me being literally beaten black and blue by every other kid in the school, said school doing nothing to stop it and in fact giving my older brother detention once for sticking up for me. I would also die if I went off this drug.
Anyway, a couple days after my birthday I had a mental breakdown. Yelling, screaming, beating the hell out of my bed, clawing at my head (I didn't actually hurt myself physically though), and eventually just crying my eyes out.
Given that since I bottle up my feelings due to the usual reaction being generally a resounding "we don't give a shit" in various forms, it's probably either a testament to my self control, or my ingrained negativity, that I haven't had more breakdowns over the course of two decades.
While this is as obvious as stating water is wet and EA has bad business practices, I've no real experience with love, relationships or sex. Sure I've had a few online girlfriends, but those never worked out and there was no physical contact. I had an in person girlfriend once when I was 18, but that only lasted 3 months, and I think she might have been cheating on me anyway. For anybody who read this far and is curious, no, I didn't sleep with her. Aside from kiss and light fooling around, which I fully admit I had no idea what I was doing, we didn't do much, and I might as well just be honest and say that said fooling around was all one way, she never did anything to me.
My negativity applies here too, I don't believe any woman could ever love me, let alone want to sleep with me, so as a result I've been repressing those feelings, and yes I know that's not healthy, but there's nothing I can do about it so I've no other choice really. And no I will not hire a hooker, as fucked up as I am, as envyous as I might get towards people who do have sex, I still want my first time to be one that I will not end up regretting, even though I don't believe I ever will have a first time.
All these years of mental agony that I've gone through, be it legitimate, or entirely percieved on my part, have lead to my seeing simply living as the cause of my problems, and death to be the only way to finally end them, yet until life decides my time is up I have no choice but to continue suffering.
Again, like I said way back at the start of this olympus mons of melodrama and text, or lazy run on bitching if you prefer, I'm not really asking for any kind of advice here, as I would just shoot it down due to my deeply ingrained negativity.
However if anybody did actually read this shit in it's entirety and doesn't have the urge to just attack me like so many others have, I have to thank you for your persistence and patience in actually reading all this. I probably made little to no sense, but thanks.
I can't promise this thread will be well formed, lead into any kind of discussion, or even that I'll take to heart whatever anybody says in this, as the thread title says, this is just me voicing what's on my mind.
I'm not really asking for any kind of advice, which is why I am putting this in off topic instead of advice. If the mods feel they should move it, then ok, that's up to them.
I honestly don't know how to feel anymore. For so many years, from one source or another, I've basicly been bombarded with things that have over the last 22 years have lead to my heart hardening towards pretty much everything. I've become cynical, jaded, pessimistic, and frankly quiet nihilistic. Weirdly though I only feel this way about myself, when talking to others, despite my not being particularly fond of other people, I'm more than capable of being supportive.
For example, after my ex and I broke up, less than 2 weeks later I found out that a friend of hers had feelings for her, and my Ex for her friend, though neither of them had ever acted on them because they didn't know if the other felt the same and didn't want to risk driving a potential wedge between them. I told both of them how the other felt when it was all 3 of us together, or as together as you can get since this was a long distance relationship for me where as my ex and her friend hung out quiet frequently.
I gave them plenty of warning about how if they actually decided to try being a couple that if the relationship failed it could drastically alter their friendship and possible ruin things between them, knowing that, they thought about it for awhile then decided to get together.
Even though it killed me personally to do it, I told my ex that I wanted her to be happy, even if it wasn't with me.
Even now, all this time later, my ex, her girlfriend and I still talk to each other, A few times said conversations have ended up drifting into their sex life together. Again, while it kills me to hear this stuff, I still lend an ear because I want to be supportive and a good friend and all that.
When other people try to be supportive or helpful with me though I have a tendency to shoot down what they say, saying things like how my life can't get better or how I'll never have a girlfriend of my own. Understandably this frustraits my friends to no end.
This isn't a recent thing though, like I said these feelings have built up over 22 long years of falling through the cracks, being told things like "I don't need to hear this", "could you stop that before the neighbors get upset" "get over it" "suck it up" "nobody cares" "attention whore" and on the rare occasions where I've tried to take steps to actually improve things for myself, having said attempts backfire, go nowhere, or in the most recent event when I tried to find a therapist, get told "we don't make house calls", which is a deal breaker since I'm agoraphobic, and one time actually get told that while they recognized I need help, unless I try to commit suicide and fail, they cannot help me.
Am I suicidal? Yeah I'd say I am, but my negativity towards myself extends so far I don't believe I could even do that, even if I were to get a gun and shoot myself in the head I believe that with my luck, the bullet would travel some kind of one in a billion path through my brain and I'd survive with little more than a speech impedement or something like that. I know that probably makes no sense, but it's what I honestly believe.
My being unemployable due to mental problems such as developmental delays and a tendency to shut down when pressured beyond what I can handle don't help matters either.
I'm sure by this point, if anybody has actually read my prattling thus far, I'll just be called a lazy bastard who just wants my life to magically get better without working for it, and while I agree that I am lazy in a lot of regards, and I literally am a bastard as I'm a child of unwed parents. I just don't believe my life can ever get better, even if I were to work my ass off.
Recently I had my 28th birthday, yeah I know, I said the last 22 years have made me this way, which means this would have all started when I was 6. To be honest that probably is when it started because that's when I was put on a rather potent, and vile tasting drug called Prednazone, as I had kidney problems and it was the only drug that would keep my kidney functioning. To cut that particular story short, that drug essentially destroyed my personality, drastically altered my appearance and lead to me being literally beaten black and blue by every other kid in the school, said school doing nothing to stop it and in fact giving my older brother detention once for sticking up for me. I would also die if I went off this drug.
Anyway, a couple days after my birthday I had a mental breakdown. Yelling, screaming, beating the hell out of my bed, clawing at my head (I didn't actually hurt myself physically though), and eventually just crying my eyes out.
Given that since I bottle up my feelings due to the usual reaction being generally a resounding "we don't give a shit" in various forms, it's probably either a testament to my self control, or my ingrained negativity, that I haven't had more breakdowns over the course of two decades.
While this is as obvious as stating water is wet and EA has bad business practices, I've no real experience with love, relationships or sex. Sure I've had a few online girlfriends, but those never worked out and there was no physical contact. I had an in person girlfriend once when I was 18, but that only lasted 3 months, and I think she might have been cheating on me anyway. For anybody who read this far and is curious, no, I didn't sleep with her. Aside from kiss and light fooling around, which I fully admit I had no idea what I was doing, we didn't do much, and I might as well just be honest and say that said fooling around was all one way, she never did anything to me.
My negativity applies here too, I don't believe any woman could ever love me, let alone want to sleep with me, so as a result I've been repressing those feelings, and yes I know that's not healthy, but there's nothing I can do about it so I've no other choice really. And no I will not hire a hooker, as fucked up as I am, as envyous as I might get towards people who do have sex, I still want my first time to be one that I will not end up regretting, even though I don't believe I ever will have a first time.
All these years of mental agony that I've gone through, be it legitimate, or entirely percieved on my part, have lead to my seeing simply living as the cause of my problems, and death to be the only way to finally end them, yet until life decides my time is up I have no choice but to continue suffering.
Again, like I said way back at the start of this olympus mons of melodrama and text, or lazy run on bitching if you prefer, I'm not really asking for any kind of advice here, as I would just shoot it down due to my deeply ingrained negativity.
However if anybody did actually read this shit in it's entirety and doesn't have the urge to just attack me like so many others have, I have to thank you for your persistence and patience in actually reading all this. I probably made little to no sense, but thanks.
