This other girl...

[JUMBO PALACE]

Damn, I never thought I'd be starting a relationship thread. Oh well, here it goes.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years. She's my first girlfriend. I'm 18 and she's 17. So anyway, I'm in college and she's still in highschool and ever since I left our relationship has been more strained than usual. And it's usually pretty strained to begin with. We are always dealing wit her depression,insomnia, anorexia/bulimia, and her urges to start hurting herself again. Now I love her obviously, and I would never want to hurt her, but there's this other girl I knew from highschool and I'm starting to develop feeling for her. It's nothing concrete, but I'm pretty sure her and I could have something if we wanted to. I can't stop thinking about her and I started talking to her again through texting and facebook. I'm thinking of getting together with her to see if there's anything between us, but I don't want to cheat on my girlfriend. Maybe I'm just lonely and craving something new? I kind of feel like I'm limiting myself since she's my first girlfriend and its been 2 years. Any advice would be great everyone.

TLDR: My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years and she is my first relationship. I'm in college, she's in Highschool, and our relationship is strained because of the distance and her emotional issues (depression, anorexia/bulimia) and I'm developing feelings for another girl I know. Should I ask this other girl out to see if we have a connection?

Edit: I can't get her parents to help because they are the reason for all of her issues. She was mentally and physically abused as a child and she now lives in a home with her mom and siblings who constantly mock and mistreat her. I am the only one who genuinely cares about her, which is why this decision is harder than it would be for someone else. I don't want to abandon her.

 

[Julianking93]

Maybe I'm just lonely and craving something new?

I think you hit it right there.

More so on the latter part.

After a while, things can become rather boring or "stale" in any relationship. It's your desire to work on it that makes the difference. If you really love this girl, then it would be best to stay with her and work through whatever might be troubling the two of you.

If you don't love her romantically or just not in that way anymore, then it's best to just move on and see if things can work out with this other girl.

The only problem I see with this is that your girlfriend may end up hurting herself if you break up with her. How you could go about fixing that, I'm not really sure. Though, it isn't fair to you if you were to stay with her only out of fear she might do something drastic. It's really just best to see if things work here with her rather than going off with another girl.

 

[JUMBO PALACE]

Damn, I never thought I'd be starting a relationship thread. Oh well, here it goes.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years. She's my first girlfriend. I'm 18 and she's 17. So anyway, I'm in college and she's still in highschool and ever since I left our relationship has been more strained than usual. And it's usually pretty strained to begin with. We are always dealing wit her depression,insomnia, anorexia/bulimia, and her urges to start hurting herself again. Now I love her obviously, and I would never want to hurt her, but there's this other girl I knew from highschool and I'm starting to develop feeling for her. It's nothing concrete, but I'm pretty sure her and I could have something if we wanted to. I can't stop thinking about her and I started talking to her again through texting and facebook. I'm thinking of getting together with her to see if there's anything between us, but I don't want to cheat on my girlfriend. Maybe I'm just lonely and craving something new? I kind of feel like I'm limiting myself since she's my first girlfriend and its been 2 years. Any advice would be great everyone.

TLDR: My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years and she is my first relationship. I'm in college, she's in Highschool, and our relationship is strained because of the distance and her emotional issues (depression, anorexia/bulimia) and I'm developing feelings for another girl I know. Should I ask this other girl out to see if we have a connection?

I feel if you abandon your girlfriend to go with this other girl, she may seriously hurt herself. You may be her support, which is why you help her deal with her issues as you mentioned. If you went away, especially for another girl, it might set her off in a really bad way. While it may not be as fair to you, I think you should at least consider giving things a chance to improve then deciding on a new path to take, rather then stepping off of the path you have been walking on currently.

Likewise, if you cheat on your girlfriend, it may even end up worse. Adding depression to depression is never a good mix. If you feel you absolutely need to try things with this other girl though, you must be aware that your actions may change your life and your girlfriends life forever. I think you may just be lonely, and seeking out attention and comfort since you aren't readily getting it. Distance relationships often end that way though, someone finds someone new where they live, and they develop feelings and that's usually the end of it. I still say, give things a chance to improve first. That way you can be sure of that decision before you make it.

Thanks for the advice. Believe me, I've considered the fact that I could possibly shatter her fragile mental state. I think you may be right, and it's just the loneliness talking. I'll probably see how I feel after this weekend since I'm going home for Thanksgiving and I'll get to see my girlfriend again.

 

[Skobvs]

I've heard "but I'm pretty sure her and I could have something if we wanted to" and they always regret it and try getting back to the original. However, if you really do like this "other girl" and you want to finish it with our original, then I would say get closer to this new woman, but make sure you call it off with your original to make sure she doesn't get hurt.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

 

[Shycte]

You should film you and the other girl having sex and then accidently send it to your girlfriend. Then you and have three awesome buds have to take a giant roadtrip inorder to stop her for viewing it.

You don't have to stay in this relationship if you don't want to. She must be able to handle this on your own. It is perfectly understandble if you leave her, you would be no lesser of a man.

 

[viranimus]

Well.. and this is just my opinion, but your 18 and this is your first relationship. You really dont have the experience yet to know what it is you want out of a relationship, and as such you wont ever find that out being with one individual.

You might want to think that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but again, your at the begining of this part of your life. Statistics typically show that very few people actually remain with their first relationship.

So give it a whirl. But the most important thing if you do, be a man, and tell your current before you take your first step toward your next. Its the only decent thing to do.

 

[Paksenarrion]

I'm reminded of this one Simpsons episode where Homer meets this attractive new coworker at the power plant. He frets about his growing attraction to her, and seems to be urged by a fortune cookie when it reads, "You will find happiness with a new love."

Moments later, the restaurant runs out of fortune cookies. The cook tells the waiter to open up the other barrel of fortune cookies that says, "Stick with your wife".

What I'm trying to say is, no matter what we may tell you, you have already made up your mind.

 

[zama174]

I feel if you abandon your girlfriend to go with this other girl, she may seriously hurt herself. You may be her support, which is why you help her deal with her issues as you mentioned. If you went away, especially for another girl, it might set her off in a really bad way. While it may not be as fair to you, I think you should at least consider giving things a chance to improve then deciding on a new path to take, rather then stepping off of the path you have been walking on currently.

Likewise, if you cheat on your girlfriend, it may even end up worse. Adding depression to depression is never a good mix. If you feel you absolutely need to try things with this other girl though, you must be aware that your actions may change your life and your girlfriends life forever. I think you may just be lonely, and seeking out attention and comfort since you aren't readily getting it. Distance relationships often end that way though, someone finds someone new where they live, and they develop feelings and that's usually the end of it. I still say, give things a chance to improve first. That way you can be sure of that decision before you make it.

But at the same time being with someone simply for there sake when you have no desire whatsoever will only make things hellishly bad for you. I have been there, being with someone who you don't want to be with for there sake and trust me when I say you do not. If you really want out, get out. Staying with her just so she doesn't fall will only give you a serious case of depression and will strain your relationship into something completely unworkable in the end.

ON the other hand, if you really think that there is still something to be had there then work on it man. You have invested two years with this girl already, and you have know idea if what you feel for the other girl is just your junk wanting to be touched or not.. You are lonely as it is, but you have already given your girlfriend so much of yourself already..

Bottomline: Get out if you really don't see you and her lasting.. If not work at bringing yall closer together.

 

[ExaltedK9]

I would at least ask this other girl out, just to see if theres anything between the two of you.

Also, I hope I'm not out of line here, but it sounds like your current girlfriend has alot of isssues. I could never be with a girl who is bulimic (its disgusting and unhealthy) or intentionally hurts herself (its unhealthy, morbid, stupid, short-sighted, and the ultimate manifestation of angstiness).

You would probably be better off in a new, and healthy relationship.

 

[Drakmeire]

is it just me or is this the plot of Scott Pilgrim?
but I say that you should take a good look at your relationship. if you think you have something special with this girl, do everything you can. if it's too troublesome, you can always part ways and do that whole "our paths will cross again thing". but if your only staying with her because you haven't yet found a good reason to break up and all your feelings are gone. then you should just end it and move on rather than risk hurting her.
the thing that worries me is the depression and eating disorders. that can always be tough, if you must call things off do it slowly and gently... but then again I've had a history of being with girls who are like that and it's never easy.

 

[Yureina]

Damn, I never thought I'd be starting a relationship thread. Oh well, here it goes.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years. She's my first girlfriend. I'm 18 and she's 17. So anyway, I'm in college and she's still in highschool and ever since I left our relationship has been more strained than usual. And it's usually pretty strained to begin with. We are always dealing wit her depression,insomnia, anorexia/bulimia, and her urges to start hurting herself again. Now I love her obviously, and I would never want to hurt her, but there's this other girl I knew from highschool and I'm starting to develop feeling for her. It's nothing concrete, but I'm pretty sure her and I could have something if we wanted to. I can't stop thinking about her and I started talking to her again through texting and facebook. I'm thinking of getting together with her to see if there's anything between us, but I don't want to cheat on my girlfriend. Maybe I'm just lonely and craving something new? I kind of feel like I'm limiting myself since she's my first girlfriend and its been 2 years. Any advice would be great everyone.

TLDR: My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years and she is my first relationship. I'm in college, she's in Highschool, and our relationship is strained because of the distance and her emotional issues (depression, anorexia/bulimia) and I'm developing feelings for another girl I know. Should I ask this other girl out to see if we have a connection?

This is a rough situation. From how it sounds, your feelings are a combination of boredom, weariness at dealing with various mental issues, but also a lingering attachment. As already stated, there is that worry, and a very real possibility considering how you have described your GF, that your leaving her might tip her over the edge. This is a very serious issue, since you are being confronted with that dilemma of going with your own feelings or accepting a less-pleasant outcome for the sake of another. Quite a classic problem indeed, and one that I have run into too many times in the past.

Traditionally... I am someone who believes that sacrificing one's own happiness for another person, and especially so if the other person does not notice the costs of your helping them, is a recipe for resentment and eventual ruin. That is what I would say about friendship and all but the best of relationships. In your case... it may feel like she is almost holding you hostage, because you don't want to cause her pain as a result of you leaving her. Yet... because you are in that position, you will gradually have a problem with this arrangement until eventually you snap and decide to leave. Self-sacrifice for another that drains the time, patience, and happiness of the person helping another is not a sustainable relationship.

So... my advice in this case would be, since you care for your current GF, to see if you can find some way to resolve her problems, or at the very least to gloss over them enough to ensure that they are not causing you as much distress as they currently are. There is the possibility of bringing up your thoughts on this issue to her, but that would have to be done with great care at best if it is even possible to do. That depends upon her personal sensitivities. If you can find some way to get her out of whatever it is that is bothering her, then perhaps things will probably get better between you two. If you can't though... I think you probably should start preparing for the possibility of trying to find the best and cleanest way to break away from her. Relationships should not be a source of major stress for you. That's what I believe.

As for this new person, I am not so sure. It need not be said that cheating on your current GF is wrong, and that is the last thing you should do. Also, as others have said, I would not be so hasty to run off with this new person so quickly. Your desire for "something new" seems to be guided by your problems in your current relationship, and so attempting to solve those is better before trying to go get another person. You might miss an opportunity to get something going with this new person if you take too long trying to patch up your current relationship, but... don't let haste guide your actions. The "new person" might seem appealing, but that is not really what is guiding your thoughts to try to find someone else. Your current problems are the real cause for your desire to look elsewhere.

Also, as a related side-note, high school relationships are notorious for breaking apart as those involved enter college. People change during their college years, and the person you were in high school is often not the person you are transforming into in the present. This probably is not too encouraging for you to hear, but it is something to think about. You might want to take some time to seriously think about where this current relationship is going, regardless of anything else you may be planning to do.

Good luck. I hope things go okay for you. :3

- Rei

 

[JUMBO PALACE]

I would at least ask this other girl out, just to see if theres anything between the two of you.

Also, I hope I'm not out of line here, but it sounds like your current girlfriend has alot of isssues. I could never be with a girl who is bulimic (its disgusting and unhealthy) or intentionally hurts herself (its unhealthy, morbid, stupid, short-sighted, and the ultimate manifestation of angstiness).

You would probably be better off in a new, and healthy relationship.

Out of line? You are as far in line as possible. It's true, she has a lot of problems. problems I don't understand or like,(I got herto stop throwing up and cutting herself. The anorexia is still around though) but I do love her, and I'd like to help her, but her shit obviously isn't going away anytime soon, and it's a rather depressing thought to think that I could still be dealing with the same angsty/boo hoo problems in the future.

 

[thahat]

Damn, I never thought I'd be starting a relationship thread. Oh well, here it goes.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years. She's my first girlfriend. I'm 18 and she's 17. So anyway, I'm in college and she's still in highschool and ever since I left our relationship has been more strained than usual. And it's usually pretty strained to begin with. We are always dealing wit her depression,insomnia, anorexia/bulimia, and her urges to start hurting herself again. Now I love her obviously, and I would never want to hurt her, but there's this other girl I knew from highschool and I'm starting to develop feeling for her. It's nothing concrete, but I'm pretty sure her and I could have something if we wanted to. I can't stop thinking about her and I started talking to her again through texting and facebook. I'm thinking of getting together with her to see if there's anything between us, but I don't want to cheat on my girlfriend. Maybe I'm just lonely and craving something new? I kind of feel like I'm limiting myself since she's my first girlfriend and its been 2 years. Any advice would be great everyone.

TLDR: My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years and she is my first relationship. I'm in college, she's in Highschool, and our relationship is strained because of the distance and her emotional issues (depression, anorexia/bulimia) and I'm developing feelings for another girl I know. Should I ask this other girl out to see if we have a connection?

I feel if you abandon your girlfriend to go with this other girl, she may seriously hurt herself. You may be her support, which is why you help her deal with her issues as you mentioned. If you went away, especially for another girl, it might set her off in a really bad way. While it may not be as fair to you, I think you should at least consider giving things a chance to improve then deciding on a new path to take, rather then stepping off of the path you have been walking on currently.

Likewise, if you cheat on your girlfriend, it may even end up worse. Adding depression to depression is never a good mix. If you feel you absolutely need to try things with this other girl though, you must be aware that your actions may change your life and your girlfriends life forever. I think you may just be lonely, and seeking out attention and comfort since you aren't readily getting it. Distance relationships often end that way though, someone finds someone new where they live, and they develop feelings and that's usually the end of it. I still say, give things a chance to improve first. That way you can be sure of that decision before you make it.

sorry guv but i have to disagree here.
if the current long distance GF feels better first, and then he stil decidees lets take care of MYSELF, then she would just as well fall back into depression in the first place.
the thing to ask is, did you cause the depression? no. then your not responsible.
ofcourse, it would be the gentlemanly thing to help out and such, but you cant put someone else in front of yourself all the time, nor can you controll your own fealings. your no zen budhist.

i'd say get to know the other girl, but dont abandon the currect one on a wild goose chase.
if they dont know about one another, all for the better, elsewise, bit of a problem.

 

[JUMBO PALACE]

snip

Thank you for taking the time to type all of that and truly try to help me out. You really nailed how I feel at times, and reinforced some of my fears unfortunately. But, your post was very helpful, and I think you're right, I am being a little to hasty. When I go home this weekend for Thanksgiving break I'm going to see my girlfriend and I'll be able to find out if I just miss her and I'm lonely. Thanks again.

 

[MrHero17]

Out of line? You are as far in line as possible. It's true, she has a lot of problems. problems I don't understand or like,(I got herto stop throwing up and cutting herself. The anorexia is still around though) but I do love her, and I'd like to help her, but her shit obviously isn't going away anytime soon, and it's a rather depressing thought to think that I could still be dealing with the same angsty/boo hoo problems in the future.

Why don't you contact her parents and friends about what her troubles are? It's not your responsibility to keep her from hurting herself, she's a human being too and you shouldn't let yourself be relied on as some kind of sanity check.

As for whether it's worth continuing to have a relationship with her, I think that's something only you can decide since it's based on how you feel about the relationship and it's future.

 

[Yureina]

snip

Thank you for taking the time to type all of that and truly try to help me out. You really nailed how I feel at times, and reinforced some of my fears unfortunately. But, your post was very helpful, and I think you're right, I am being a little to hasty. When I go home this weekend for Thanksgiving break I'm going to see my girlfriend and I'll be able to find out if I just miss her and I'm lonely. Thanks again.

Welcome. I do hope that your Thanksgiving break goes well. If you please, update us on how that turns out. Your experiences during this break, if you keep in mind what I and others are saying in this thread, might help you alot towards being able to sort out this business.

I'll be here if you still need help, or you can PM me as well. :3

 

[JUMBO PALACE]

Out of line? You are as far in line as possible. It's true, she has a lot of problems. problems I don't understand or like,(I got herto stop throwing up and cutting herself. The anorexia is still around though) but I do love her, and I'd like to help her, but her shit obviously isn't going away anytime soon, and it's a rather depressing thought to think that I could still be dealing with the same angsty/boo hoo problems in the future.

Why don't you contact her parents and friends about what her troubles are? It's not your responsibility to keep her from hurting herself, she's a human being too and you shouldn't let yourself be relied on as some kind of sanity check.

As for whether it's worth continuing to have a relationship with her, I think that's something only you can decide since it's based on how you feel about the relationship and it's future.

Her parents are the reason behind all of her issues. She was physically and emotionally abused as a child by her father (parents are now divorced) and her mother is an immature woman who should never have become a mother. Her mother refused to continue therapy and treatment up until recently due to some unfortunate incidents in the past and even now my girlfriend is paying for her therapy sessions. She lives in a home full of siblings and a mother who dislike her, and do nothing to help her emotional issues. I am the only good thing in her life, which makes my position even more difficult.