Time To Get Personal: Family Matters

[AdeptaSororitas]

Coming from a "broken home" and hearing the marraige statistics everyday, I can't help but wonder if some of the people who come to this very site share a background like mine. Then I realized how stupid a question that was, because if you have to ask if you're the only person who feel/does/is X,Y or Z. Then you aren't. So instead I wanted to find out not if it happened, but if it happened, and how it changed them.

Now it's time for some no holds barred truth. My mother divorced my dad, didn't even try for custody over me and was, for a time, happy to only have to deal with me one weekend every other week or so. By the time I was actually conscious of the world around me, my dad had remarried happily and my mother was not so happily running through boyfriends much akin to one running through hot coals, quickly and painfully. I naturally gravitated to my father, stepmother and grandmother, all of which shared my "real" home. While at my mothers however I had to watch painfully as she happily drank and smoked her life away while her new dead beat husband entertained my "siblings-in-law". He wasn't a terrible man, just cold and unfriendly to me.

I suppose my mother realized how inadaquate of a mother she was, because by the time I was in middle school I had not heard from her for a year, and had not visited her for far longer.

Surprisingly enough I came out of that mess a rather adaptive and well adjusted young girl, if a little (A LOT) afraid of losing loved ones (and maybe a few odd fetishes from things i found around her house as a kid). Thankfully by the end of highschool I'd learned, thanks to my mother and the pain she caused me, to forgive others. The only regret that lingers is that I'll probably never get a chance to tell her I understand, that I forgive her. Yet, I don't think I ever loved my mother, simply because she never really was one.

So now it's you're turn internet. How was your family life growing up? And how did having a broken home, or not, effect who you became?

 

[AdeptaSororitas]

Mayhaps a bit to personal of a question? Honestly it was an awkward question, if in the mostly anonymous world of the internet.

 

[Elo125]

Well, honestly... My mom and dad divorced when I was like two years old, so it never affected me negatively. Both my mom and my dad were awesome parents in their own ways. My dad was laid-back and treated me with respect and I did the same to him, and my mom was strict as hell and even though it didn't work out like she wanted it to I still love her for it.

Basically, I had a lot of crap happening in my life, but none of it was caused by my parents and their divorce.

Also, I apologize for any typos as I'm drunk as hell while I'm typing this. Frankly, I doubt I'll even remember this in the morning, so don't remind me.. ^_-

 

[LobsterFeng]

Well my Dad met my Mom at college. They married and had 5 kids (I'm the 2nd.) And we're still a happy family. But despite all that I'm not sure if I have the best parents. Sure they're very nice and they love me, and I love them back, but I feel they never disciplined me enough when I was growing up. It's why I'm so lazy.

I learned at a critical age to not care about work of any kind, because I was so addicted to games and tv and pretty much all media. I remember my parents tried their best to stop me from watching so much tv and such, but I would throw such big tantrums whenever they tried that they just sort of gave up.

I don't really know if it's more my fault or theirs, but hey I guess it's too late now. *continues to procrastinate on the internet*

 

[AdeptaSororitas]

Well, honestly... My mom and dad divorced when I was like two years old, so it never affected me negatively. Both my mom and my dad were awesome parents in their own ways. My dad was laid-back and treated me with respect and I did the same to him, and my mom was strict as hell and even though it didn't work out like she wanted it to I still love her for it.

Basically, I had a lot of crap happening in my life, but none of it was caused by my parents and their divorce.

Also, I apologize for any typos as I'm drunk as hell while I'm typing this. Frankly, I doubt I'll even remember this in the morning, so don't remind me.. ^_-

Least you're honest ^^ Though there are no major spelling errors.

 

[DefunctTheory]

My parents live together, and as such, the government views them as a couple (Even though they're not married).

When I was in my early teens, I found out that my conception was brought on by heroin induced stupidity (Too stoned to remember the condom). My parents didn't really 'love' each other (Though they are fond of each other). Before I was conceived, both my parents were pretty much wild rockers (Impressive, as they were in their mid-30s at the time). Now, from what I've seen around me, my home life, statistically, should be pretty... bad.

However, I never knew ANY of this until I was about 12-13. As soon as my parents found out they were pregnant, they stopped the crap and got serious. My Mom quit everything and moved back home, and my Dad headed south to make money building casino boats (Which actually lead my Dad eating dinner with Donald Trump, weirdly enough). He read books to me over the phone until I was about 4-5 (Those really old, hard cover Disney picture books from the 80's), at which point he came home. He stopped smoking a year or so later.

Sometimes, it feels weird knowing that my existence is completely owed to a gram of heroin. It's also weird to know that my parents, before me, were the sort of people I sneer in disgust at now a days. But its also nice to know that, no matter what, my parents love me. And I'll always know so, because you don't go from being the people you see on cops all the time to responsible, upstanding members of society in 9 months for no reason whats so ever.

My parents, and more specifically, my Dad, taught me that, no matter what, there's really only one thing that matters in life, and thats being able to sleep at night without a weight on your shoulders. That whatever you do, as long as you can carry your own weight, hold up your moral values, and have a little extra for the people you care about, everything else will eventually fall into place.

Another Lesson They Taught me: Wear a goddamn condom.

 

[tirsden]

I'm not on speaking terms with the genetic material providers, and never will be. I may have to talk to them one more time to get them to stop trying to ruin what's left of my little brother's life... but in reality they'd probably just lie again and promise more things they'll never do. They are insanely religious (and I mean the insane part), and nothing is ever good enough for them.

You know it's bad when "parents" say about their estranged daughter to people asking why she doesn't talk to them anymore... that she's "mad at god." Uh, I have to believe in such nonsense before I am mad at him/her/it, ne? Of course they aren't going to give the true answer, which is, "we are horribly abusive and feed on making those we think we control being as miserable as possible."

So, yeah. Family is not a happy word for me. I didn't have parents. But I have rebooted life and am infinitely better for it, and redefine what I want to as I go along. A gay couple in my head as imaginary parents? Why not? Life goes on, and two incredibly angry and bitter people will have no place in mine.

 

[Mr Thin]

Hello again, thread lady. Staying true to your name, it seems.

For quite some time, my family subscribed to the stereotypical household ideal; the mother stayed home and cared for the children, the father went out and earned a living. He was a miner, traveling constantly as his job demanded. When he worked close to home, he'd work for two weeks, spend one week at home. When he had to go to a different country, he'd work for two months, spend one month at home. And so on it went.

I've always assumed it was this disjointed lifestyle that prevented me from forming any real connection with him, but what do I know, I'm no psychologist. In any case, while I never hated him, I never much cared for him either. He was a nice enough guy, but he never really did all that much actual parenting. He was kind of just 'there'. So when he left - I was just starting high school at the time - practically nothing changed, both in terms of how I lived my life, and in how I felt about him.

He moved to... Turkey, I think it was; married some twenty something year old girl (sent us a picture); I heard he divorced her too, which would make sense, as my mum was his 2nd wife. That's pretty much the last I heard of him. I would later learn that he left the country to avoid paying child support, and my mother couldn't be bothered going through the legal hassle of dragging his ass back here. Still, we did alright without it, so I can't complain.

As far as I'm aware, none of this had any negative affect on me. I'm lazy and I spend too much time staring at a screen, but I don't cry myself to sleep at night or anything. All in all, he could've been a far worse dad, so I'm alright with how everything turned out.

 

[AdeptaSororitas]

I'm not on speaking terms with the genetic material providers, and never will be. I may have to talk to them one more time to get them to stop trying to ruin what's left of my little brother's life... but in reality they'd probably just lie again and promise more things they'll never do. They are insanely religious (and I mean the insane part), and nothing is ever good enough for them.

You know it's bad when "parents" say about their estranged daughter to people asking why she doesn't talk to them anymore... that she's "mad at god." Uh, I have to believe in such nonsense before I am mad at him/her/it, ne? Of course they aren't going to give the true answer, which is, "we are horribly abusive and feed on making those we think we control being as miserable as possible."

So, yeah. Family is not a happy word for me. I didn't have parents. But I have rebooted life and am infinitely better for it, and redefine what I want to as I go along. A gay couple in my head as imaginary parents? Why not? Life goes on, and two incredibly angry and bitter people will have no place in mine.

Wow, I'm sorry so much pain and suffering was caused by two people who completely misunderstand what they represent. I'm glad you've been able to move on.

 

[Ham_authority95]

So now it's you're turn internet. How was your family life growing up? And how did having a broken home, or not, effect who you became?

My parents would be very "ideal" to some people. They met in Highschool and dated until they married and had me and my brother. We're okay financially because my dad is a partial owner of a family business and my mom stays at home to take care of us. They can get a bit too strict and traditional at their worse, but they've never beaten my brother or I and they love us very much.

In a way, this normality has kind of driven me away from the "ideal" family set up. Because of this environment, I don't want a house, I want a crappy apartment in an art district. Because of this, I don't want to be absolutely financially stable when I could pursue my dreams and be broke. Because of this, I don't really think of myself as ever being a father or getting married.

Also, my whole life my parents have kind of pushed me along and not let me make major life choices. For example, college. They want me to go the fall after I graduate highschool, but I want a bigger break from school to go places and meet people and improve my social skills and find who I am. They're even paying for all of my school expenses, no matter what school I go to, and I know I should jump on this opportunity for higher education, but it feels like they're paying me to do what THEY want.

I guess it's too boring to be satisfied with.

 

[AWAR]

My parents went through a divorce maybe 5 or 6 years. They just explained it clearly to me and my sibling.
For some years I didn't get to see my father a lot, and my mother wouldn't let me have any contact with his wife. I was kinda fucked up for a while because of my mother being a total wreck back home, but she is overly emotional anyway so it was expected.
Now however everything is pretty good. My father lives on the same building and I got a five year old brother ^^ My mother has found someone too and she seems happy.

 

[shadowsoul222]

So now it's you're turn internet. How was your family life growing up? And how did having a broken home, or not, effect who you became?

My parents would be very "ideal" to some people. They met in Highschool and dated until they married and had me and my brother. We're okay financially because my dad is a partial owner of a family business and my mom stays at home to take care of us. They can get a bit too strict and traditional at their worse, but they've never beaten my brother or I and they love us very much.

In a way, this normality has kind of driven me away from the "ideal" family set up. Because of this environment, I don't want a house, I want a crappy apartment in an art district. Because of this, I don't want to be absolutely financially stable when I could pursue my dreams and be broke. Because of this, I don't really think of myself as ever being a father or getting married.

Also, my whole life my parents have kind of pushed me along and not let me make major life choices. For example, college. They want me to go the fall after I graduate highschool, but I want a bigger break from school to go places and meet people and improve my social skills and find who I am. They're even paying for all of my school expenses, no matter what school I go to, and I know I should jump on this opportunity for higher education, but it feels like they're paying me to do what THEY want.

I guess it's too boring to be satisfied with.

Holy crap, I have almost the exact same set up. I mean slightly different but still. Crazy man.

OT: I never really had any problems with my parents. My dad got with some chick, had a kid, divorced her, then met my mom (not really sure how actually now that I think about it) and had me and my two brothers (I'm the middle of the three). Both of my parents are pretty strict, fundamentalist right-wing Christians. However, my mom had a pretty fucked up family, and so is basically doing everything she can to make it "right" for us, although I think it kind of backfired. My dad is more chill (hell he plays WoW), is pretty much a nerd, but very wise (never really gave him credit where it was due until recently) and kind at heart.

Although through all this I honestly think my parents hate each other. My dad basically told me that they only aren't divorced for our sake. Yeah, that hit me like a fucking shotgun when he told me that. So I've basically decided I'm never going to have children; I don't like them anyways, and I really don't want to screw up some potentially amazing kids, I just don't want to be a terrible father.

Also, due to my parents being really strict (they wouldn't even let me date until I left high school...though that didn't stop me but more on that later) it lead me to be something of a "rebel"; I smoke, I drink, I've had sex before marriage, you know, all they things they tell you NOT to do in Sunday School. And their over-zealous assertion that I be a Christian, it's basically lead me to hate Christians. Don't misunderstand me I'm a Christian, but I hate being associated with the hatred and ignorance and all that other shit that Christians are associated with today. I.e., I'm for gay marriage and all that.

Wow okay this is getting really long. I should probably just stop here haha.

 

[SckizoBoy]

"broken home"

'Broken home'? Not so much... 'broken parent'? Very much so...

God, I love my old man, but unfortunately, there's little to love about him. He's blunt, foul tempered, often obtuse and he's spent most of his adult life trying to convince himself that he's not a bad man. All three of his kids (the ones that survived, that is), he caned... and I sorta lost count of the number of rulers that broke over my hands. I remember arriving late to grade school one day nervously covering my left hand since there was a (to an eight year old's eyes) a massive cut across the back. Fast forward four years and he starts saying sorry at virtually every opportunity, in however a tacit or subtle way. He still shouts these days, but more out of frustration at himself than at the rest of his family (my mom included). After thirteen years he still hasn't stopped apologising, I think, largely because he doesn't know what else to do. He's given us a roof over our heads, enough money to pay for deposits on a house each and a fairly realistic outlook on life, but to himself, he's still a bad father.

Ironically, I'm the one he's closest to, even if ours is a purely intellectual relationship.

Now onto the 'broken home' bit which explains the 'broken parent'. He was abused as a kid, and no amount of coaxing, poking or prodding will ever get him to divulge anything more about his childhood, but this is the sum of what I know about my father's formative years: his uncles regularly beat him up for shits and giggles; his mother couldn't do a damned thing about it (under her mother-in-law's thumb as she was); his closest friends were his German Shepherd (who was randomly put down when he was in his early teens) and his big sister; his uncles gambled away his inheritance; he was humiliated at school (read: publicly caned) for someone else's mistake; and his father was permanently drunk.

I literally know nothing more about him before the age of twenty-one. After reading that back, damn, he could've turned out a lot worse...

 

[Rawne1980]

I didn't have a 'broken' home but I did have a hard home.

Coming into the world as a child in the recession of the 70's and 80's meant my family was poor as hell.

I don't mean poor as in 'we have 2 TV's, 2 cars and 3 consoles but we can't afford a private jet" I mean poor as in we lived in a house with holes in the roof, stairs that were crumbling (my dad fell through them one night, now that was hilarious), no TV at all, no furniture (except for camp beds) and barely enough food.

Me, my brother and sister would scrounge around the neighbourhood (and this was a rough as fuck neighbourhood) to try and get a few pence.

Not my parents fault they were trying damn hard. They had their own metal polishing business but, like I said above, it was the recession a lot worse than this pathetic excuse for a recession we have now. Hardly any money coming in and mounting outgoings.

My siblings are 12 years older than me so I really am the baby of the family. My brother took to trying to 'toughen' me up. Now at 5 year old you try fighting with a 17 year old and I mean fighting not playing. Broken noses, swollen eyes and a few cracked ribs later and I started Jeet Kune Do classes at 7 year old. At 9 i'd taken up kickboxing aswell.

2 days after my tenth birthday my parents business went under completely and bankrupted my dad (it was all in his name) so we really did have nothing. We ended up staying with my Gran, who wasn't the easiest of people to live with. I hated Brussel Sprouts and if I didn't eat them I got the belt buckle round the legs from my Grandad. If I stepped out of line in the tiniest way I get the buckle beating. Basically at least 6 times a week I got smacked to shit with a big brass belt buckle.

Turned 11 and went to high school (yay). My first day there and 2 of the older kids had taken to attempting to bully me for wearing 'hand me downs' (I did mention we had nothing right?). They followed me home one day with the intention of kicking my teeth out, i'd done 2 forms of martial art but was always told NOT to use it as fighting. I got to my house and attempted to get my brothers help. He dragged me outside and gave me 2 choices, I fight him or I fight them. My brother by now was a big lad and he also did kickboxing. After leaving 2 lads laying in their own blood I kind of lost the plot a bit and went off the rails.

I realised at that moment I could fight. I started hanging around with the 'rough' crowd, drinking and smoking and fighting wherever I was. I turned on my parents and made them feel like shit even after every single struggle they had gone through to raise me.

At 16 I had an 'epiphany' if you will. I either get myself away from all this shit or i'm going to end up dead, quite literally. I was fighting and drinking everyday and could barely recall how i'd ended up like that.

So I joined the army. Probably not the best option for a violent drunk but it did discipline me even if I did still drink and fight.

Then I met the woman who is now my wife. I cut back on the drinking and only threw the occasional punch. And then our first child came along. I was still in the forces so didn't know how good of a father i'd be.

Had my left knee blown off and became a 'civvie' again. Stopped drinking, calmed right the hell down and re-evaluated my life.

I looked back and saw all the shit my parents had to go through just to feed us what scraps we did have.. We started talking again and (fortunately) they forgave me for all the years I was an absolute dick.

I now try and give my kids everything I can, not so much as an overcompensation but because I don't want them to feel like we did back then. I don't want them to know hardship like that. I don't mean I spoil them, they do chores for their pocket money and I don't buy them all the latest things unless they earn it by doing well at school or something. Teach them that hard work pays off.

So what did my childhood do for me?

It made me appreciate everything. It showed me what it was like to have nothing at all and it showed me what could happen if I walked the wrong roads. And now I have a loving wife and 5 great kids and all the shit was entirely worth it.

 

[Zykon TheLich]

Well my family was and is pretty great, loving and supportive while letting me get on and do my own things. I don't really tell them much about what I'm doing though, in that sense I'm quite distant from them, I keep my life to myself and I feel bad about that sometimes, I would like to be much closer and to be able to talk about things with them however there is very little I do that wouldn't want to keep to myself and wouldn't cause them a great deal of anxiety and worry of they did know.

 

[Ham_authority95]

So now it's you're turn internet. How was your family life growing up? And how did having a broken home, or not, effect who you became?

My parents would be very "ideal" to some people. They met in Highschool and dated until they married and had me and my brother. We're okay financially because my dad is a partial owner of a family business and my mom stays at home to take care of us. They can get a bit too strict and traditional at their worse, but they've never beaten my brother or I and they love us very much.

In a way, this normality has kind of driven me away from the "ideal" family set up. Because of this environment, I don't want a house, I want a crappy apartment in an art district. Because of this, I don't want to be absolutely financially stable when I could pursue my dreams and be broke. Because of this, I don't really think of myself as ever being a father or getting married.

Also, my whole life my parents have kind of pushed me along and not let me make major life choices. For example, college. They want me to go the fall after I graduate highschool, but I want a bigger break from school to go places and meet people and improve my social skills and find who I am. They're even paying for all of my school expenses, no matter what school I go to, and I know I should jump on this opportunity for higher education, but it feels like they're paying me to do what THEY want.

I guess it's too boring to be satisfied with.

Both of my parents are pretty strict, fundamentalist right-wing Christians.

Actually, this is where my parents differ from yours greatly.

My family has never gone to church, we've never read the bible, and my parents support gay marriage and sex before marriage. For example, my mom has always offered to buy birth control for me, even buying a 24 pack of condoms for me.

I guess my parents are more "traditional" in the path they take in life. "Childhood, College, Marriage with white picket fence, retirement, repeat" kind of thing. They probably would except me being gay, but they wouldn't except me not getting married or having more than one partner, though.

 

[Craorach]

My parents come from completely different ends of the social spectrum.

My mother's family were what you might call "upper middle class".. the children of unpleasent, poor, upbrings her parents worked their asses off until they became quite well off in the banking industry. My grandfather was eventually the director of a major company and a freemason. They pushed her insanely hard to do well at school, which eventually led to her having a major nervous breakdown and ending up in a caravan park cleaning holiday homes in the south west of England, not going to Oxford and being a doctor/lawyer like they wanted.

Where she met my father, one of twelve in a farm labouring family, barely literate, and an ex soldier.. but probably the most stable and honourable man it has ever been my pleasure to meet, if rather strict and draconian seeming outwardly.

After knowing each other for a few years they got married and had me, which led to a series of breakdowns and my mother ending up in an institution for a few years, and me in foster care directly after my birth. My father was told "there is no sensible way you will be able to get both of them back, pick one and concentrate your efforts there". Instead, he spend the nights at work in a clay mine, half the day with me, then half the day my mother, for a year and a half until he managed to get her out of hospital and stable enough for me to eventually go home and live with them.

My mother's behaviour when sick lead to our entire family being tormented and and bullied by the ignorant residents of the council estate we lived on.. so my parents saved every spare penny they had for years to be able to afford their own home. Once out of there, things got better...

I would say that both of my parents hugely affected my growing up.

Positively, their arguments and differences taught me that any relationship needs compromise to be successful. They are both hugely accepting of anyone who is a good person, regardless of any "demographic" that person is part off... but they also instilled in me a real belief that people should be treated as appropriate for their actions, not given forgiveness or leeway based upon some perceived disadvantage. They also taught me to accept my lot in life, but to work hard to make it better with my own effort, not expecting anyone else to do it for me.

Negatively.. well, my mother was a paranoid manic depressive with OCD who never worked and could conceive of life without her medication. There are all manner of ways that can mess you up, not least because she wouldn't let my friends visit my house and her paranoia rubs off. Due to the way we were treated when I was young (I actually got beaten up daily because I was the kid of "that crazy lady") she treated her condition like a dirty secret, and any odd behaviour was dangerous because it might make people think she is crazy. I lacked confidence, I was paranoid and at one point was close to depression myself.

Overall, now I've managed to get away from home and meet someone.. I'd say the positives have managed to out way the negatives. It could have been very different, however, if I hadn't made the choices I did and got away from my mothers influence.

 

[trollnystan]

I'll give this a whirl and see if I can get through it without making it a whinefest.

I'm the youngest of 4 siblings and my father used to call me "the afterthought" because my mother was 39 and my father 40 when I came along. Neither of my parents were very balanced - my mother would beat my brother when he was bad or didn't do well in school - but they balanced each other out.

Then my mother died of cancer when I was 7. It went very fast, around 3 months from diagnosis to death. I don't remember her, or my childhood, much. My father broke down slowly but surely; he hadn't expected to take such a hands on role with our upbringing, expecting to be more the aloof paternal figure while Mammy took care of the daily stuff. He started drinking more and more. My older sisters eventually moved out - my younger older sister moved to Ireland at 14 to get away from him and my oldest sister got pregnant at 19 and moved in with the father - leaving my brother and I with Dad.

I got the brunt of Dad's verbal abuse because I didn't have the self-confidence or self-esteem to stand up for myself, and the abuse made it worse. This is the main reason I slumped into depression at around 12 years old and am still there 16 years later. His drinking got to the point that he'd forget to get dressed before coming down to sit at the dinner table, and he'd sometimes get into my bed instead of his to sleep, forcing me to crawl over him and go sleep in his bed.

When I was 15 I got into a huge fight with him; the end of my rope was reached so to speak. A few days later I was staying over at one of my sisters and my brother called her and said that he didn't think I should come home again, that I needed to get away from Dad. So I moved out. After that my interaction with Dad was limited to birthdays and family get-togethers, or when school wanted to talk to him.

He died 4 years ago but his voice still lives on in my head, making it hard to recover. Hopefully I'll get there sooner or later.

In one way I am still proud of my father; he suffered a stroke at 9 years old, so the left side of his body was lame. Despite this he learned to get on a horse by himself, learned to ride a motorcycle, learned to drive a car, to bike. He worked hard his whole life. He was a very smart man. But he was pretentious, and cruel when you didn't live up to his intellectual standards. I don't hate him but I haven't been able to forgive him quite yet, although I'm trying so I can put him behind me.

Phew. Not too whiny was it?

TL;DR: My mother died, my father drank, I am fucked up.

 

[Naal]

I was born the youngest to a single mother, my older sister and I being the product of my mom's infatuation with her drug dealer. At three months old my birth father tried killing her, to which that snapped her back into reality and she not only left him but quit all her stupid partying and get her life back on track.

At three years old my mother married a man I am honored to call my dad. They've been blissfully married for 21 years, and I thank God every single day he was brought into my life. Being raised by them was the best thing that could have ever happened, and I'm incredibly close to both my parents. They've raised my sister and I to love God, respect everyone around us and how to respect ourselves.

That being said, I have yet to ever meet my birth father. I have been able to locate him on one of those people finding websites, but... I don't think I'll ever have the gall to call him up. I don't want to risk my mom's life or anyone else in the family.