Tips on getting out of isolation anyone?

[rawfy]

So just another fellow facing the lonelies...Some details: I'm hitting 23 pretty quick here and I have yet to develop any substantial social skills. I live alone, work a food court job, have some hobbies, browse the internet, have a pretty close relationship to my immediate family and that's basically about it.

I'm not particularly concerned with post secondary education or long term careers. Just not the kind of life for me at the moment.

So just a simple guy who finds himself at odds with my particular age demographic amongst others. I've always been an introvert, but with that said I find being alone in a world full of people is daunting. Friendships/relationships are currently unfathomable and sex is an itch that I can't scratch. It's getting to the point now that I'm becoming a mental burden for my folks (rash outbursts and other petty acts of frustration).

I've tried things like poetry clubs, sitting around at bars, playing open mics at bars, going to parties with friends when i had them, sitting around at coffee shops, getting out for walks, but i drag this really dismissive aura with me everywhere I go. I never got anywere beyond weather talk with anyone because I either have no experience or can't fake the enthusiasm in there interests. Whenever i do begin to talk with a hint of conviction it usually involves evoking my perspective on human behavior and there underlying parasitic nature, which is always a joy to listen to..hehe. I feel like I'm just there because my councilor told me to go or something, lol.

I've been told "If you just went out and socialized and got a girlfriend, you wouldn't have any of these problems you have" (addressing my warped perspective on sex, lack of respect for myself and others, triggered anxiety, etc.)

Okay...this seemed to have went off the rails..lol

but anyways the question is: How does one go about establishing a social life with the social skills of a shy preteen?

 

[arber man]

You know how I ended up getting past a lot of my social anxieties: two parts 1. go to vitamin cottage or GMC anyplace that sells vitamins and buy this stuff called GABBA stupid name but this is just a simple supplement that reduces anxiety and it works, it's not a drug but a natural chemical that your brain may have a deficiency of. I take it every day. 2. try something structured yet crazy, good example I tried alligator wrestling last year, I get that you probably wont be doing that any time soon but here are some other ideas, things you can do anywhere. Scuba Diving, Rock climbing, backpacking, archery etc. point is something like that Is a great conversation starter people like to hear about interesting experiences and they will gravitate to you. Most of that stuff is pretty cheap to start, diving is probably the most expensive, and don't just look at those examples any kind of active hobby will boost your social life like crazy.

 

[teisjm]

Find some place where people share your interrests.

When i go to the gameing store and play magic tournaments, talking with people comes naturally, even though we don't know each other.
When i go out to play hardball, i'll end up talking as much as the people who stash their gear on the table next to me, as i do with the guys i came with.

Maybe join some clan/guild/corp if you play multiplayer games, just my best guess of your interrest based on the nature of this site. Several of my friends have made good online friends that way, both through MMOs and round based games.

Regardless of what you like to do, put yourself in a place/situation with likeminded people, especially places where you're doing something, like playing games, debatting, or whateverm and social stuff should come much more easily.

I find it hard and awkward to talk to people i don't know shit about, unless i find some common ground.
Weather talk always seemed kind of a drag to me, and i'd usually rather be standing by myself with headphones on, than listen to captain obvious telling me how the weather is, and ha been for a week.

I know you said you went to poetry clubs and such, which may make my advice seem tried already, but don't give up. Just cause it failed once, or twice or 10 times doesn't mean it's a dead end.

Most people I know who've tried online dating, without giving up too easily, have been more or less succesfull, some found love, others just got laid. Just remember, the more people you try to get in touch with, the bigger your chances of succes is, simplest statistic logic of all time.


Also, be aware of your own attitude as well. both when it comes to dating and making friends, if people come off as rejecting or desperate for love/friendship, they usually end up facing rejection.
I find no interrest in talking to people, if i feel like i'm just in the way of them minding themselves, and i'm too worried about social commitment to get along with people who seem desperate for attention. If i hang out with someone desperate once, i'm afraid of beeing pinned in a position where i have to find time i don't have to be their new best friend all day every day, or be rejecting them.
This is what makes meeting around a common interrest a lot easier for me at least. Especially if it's more than just me and one other person.

Also, as for secondary education, if you decide to study on, and choose something strongly based on your personal interrests, you'll find yourself surrounded by peers.
WHen i was in cg school, i got along with nearly everyone, as opposed to normal school and gymnasium, where i had a few friends, but most people where just filler to me, who i knew i'd never really come to care about, cause we had nothing interrestsing in common,

 

[rawfy]

*edit*

just taking all that garbage i wrote off for the service of all...hehe

I appreciate the help guys, it appears that I'm not yet ready for it.
my thanks!

 

[Mersadeon]

Ok, so sitting around in bars and coffee shops doesn't get you far in my opinion. Parties with friends of friends can be great for that, but if that didn't work for you...
I can only say: use the internet. I know, I know, sounds dumb, but it can lead to good things. Use it to find people who live near you and have similar interests. That like the same music, or just need someone to talk to just like you do. This can work wonders.

If that doesn't work, you know where that "go to a bar to find friends" thing works better? Student bars. I find that those places are, at least here, very open and friendly - the people there don't have a problem asking you to sit with them if you get to talk to one of them.

 

[IndomitableSam]

Try taking a course in something. Doesn't have to be a university course - could be a cooking class at the community club, or try some badminton classes. Or something you're interested in. Just something you have to look forward to once a week. If you have something you can get excited about on a regular basis, or even just something that shakes up the norm, then that really helps.

Maybe you just make a decision to take a walk through the park at a certain time every week. Take the same route home every day, but keep your head up, not down. It takes work to keep a plesant look on your face, but do it. Frowning faces are natural for some people - I have a natural 'bitchface', so I try and remind myself to smile when I'm heading to and from the office. It helps. Don't look at your phone or anything - keep look at your surroundings. Pass your gze over people, but if you see them looking at you, flash a brief smile and look away. Say hi to someone you pass every morning. Just a 'good morning' as you walk by, but keep moving (that may just be a Canadian thing to say good morning to random people you walk by though). Maybe stop in the same corner store once a week or more to become a regular somewhere. That way social anxiety is easy to get over if it's scheduled, regular, and you're apt to see the same people all the time. That way the other people will become comfortable having you around as well. Thngs can develop from there. After a while someone will just start chatting and you can chat back.

Take it slow - it's hard, I know. When I was in my early/mid 20's my parents kept pushing me to ge a boyfriend and go out more as well, but I was quite happy as I was. As I got older I matured some and I'm sure my brain chemistry changed as you're still 'growing up' at 23. Socialising became easier. I found more things to talk about with people, and talking came a little more easily as I went.

 

[Antari]

I've tried things like poetry clubs, sitting around at bars, playing open mics at bars, going to parties with friends when i had them, sitting around at coffee shops, getting out for walks, but i drag this really dismissive aura with me everywhere I go.

Well by the sounds of it your trying things you don't actually want to do, but rather the things people are expected to do. Which certainly isn't going to net you a person who matches you. What do you like to do for fun? .. What would you like to do for fun? Go do it, around other people doing the same thing. Let nature take its course. When you have a common interest to draw on, shyness and social ineptitude pretty much melt away.

 

[Weaver]

First thing to do is watch this video:
http://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts.html

We're introverts in a world built for extroverts. And you know what? it's okay.

Now, maybe you're feeling a little better about yourself but it's still not fun to be alone all the time, right? Much like yourself I've had a lot of problems meeting people (and tried many of the things you've listed) but I found this site was my saving grace:
http://www.meetup.com/

It's basically just meetup groups anyone can join. My experience, a lot of people were introverted like us and it's basically the only thing that worked for me! I made 4 new friends on my very first meetup (including two attractive women) event and we all still hang out!

I say, give it a shot

 

[Mr.Cynic88]

Personally, I think you should look inward at yourself and figure out why you feel like a shy preteen. Some people are naturally more social or fit in easier than others, and to some degree you may just need to accept that for yourself. Maybe you're not the kind of guy is willing to approach random women out of nowhere. Doesn't mean you can't make the most out of your life by doing what you want within your sphere. On the other hand, you may have an unhealthy anxiety about putting yourself out there, and there are various ways to work on that.

Being shy is a vague term, by pinpointing why you act that way, it's far easier to start solving the problem, if there is one. Figuring out what makes you tick is the first step to controlling yourself.

 

[Worthenstein]

I can identify with what you're saying and used to be similar in some regards. Some advice I can give is to start observing how your mind and thought processes work. Does your mental commentary help or hinder you? If I had to attend a social event I'd sometimes worry and think 'Shit, I've got NOTHING to say to these people, I'm going to stand out within minutes.' These type of negative thoughts were the cause of the problem as I'd be creating anxiety in myself before anything had even happened.

Shutting out the negativity and telling yourself you can handle situations is a very easy and powerful way to become more confident in social situations. Never put yourself down as this has a massive effect on how you act. Aside from this, start talking to people as often as you can, maintain eye contact and don't fidget - it'll become easier and more natural very quickly. This blog may also be of help: http://www.talktostrangersblog.com/

 

[DrunkenMonkey]

You keep talking to people, and that's about it. No secret really. People normally don't do so well at that part, but little do they realize that talking is all about practice. The more you with interact with people the more comfortable that you get.

 

[Rawberry101]

It's hard man, I mean the thing is that it just kinda develops for many people organically. When you try to force it you feel really really strange and awkward. A lot of it comes down to your mindset, if you are honest about things I think people really respect that, trying to pretend you're a cool and hip guy if you don't see yourself as one doesn't work. People can tell, I don't know how but they can.

Also total props for going to poetry clubs and open mics. That takes some balls.

 

[Fieldy409_v1legacy]

I think you need to start doing something for a hobby that involves working in a group. Maybe hit up your local gyms and find some small group sessions. I know I have become WAY more social since I started exercising. But yknow you dont have to be a fitness buff, just going to the same thing regularly with the same group of people can make you ease up and start interacting with them over time.

edit: or you could start playing magic the gathering if you can find a nerd shop that holds games!