To approach a guy from scratch

[VildVittran]

Hey fellow Escapists,
I've been lurking here for a while and seeing as this community consists of mostly guys I was thinking I could maybe get some advice. I seem to have gone through my teenage years (being 19 now) without ever having to take the first step myself when it comes to relationships and that sort of thing, I guess that's kinda the norm since I'm a girl though, so I'm basically clueless.

So I've got this problem.

Lately I've started noticing this guy in my school, of whom I only know the name of and next to nothing else. It's pretty random really that I've found interest in this dude, he's just got this nice atmosphere around him I guess. Question is, how do you approach someone you don't even have any mutual acquaintances with or know anything about, without being creepy? I'm just really worried to come off as that creepy stranger who starts talking to random people at the bus stop or something like that, or do guys think differently when it comes to this sort of thing? Would you try to carry on the conversation or get confused?

 

[LetalisK]

I'm just really worried to come off as that creepy stranger who starts talking to random people at the bus stop or something like that, or do guys think differently when it comes to this sort of thing? Would you try to carry on the conversation or get confused?

Hm. This is an interesting twist on a common situation. First, to answer your questions. No, I think you'd have to actually try to come off as creepy. At worst, he'll be indifferent. If he's interested he'll most likely try to carry on a conversation if he's not the shy type.

As for approaching someone who you otherwise have zero interaction with? Easy to do, hard to explain. I keep thinking to explain it with "Well, just talk to him". But that's obviously of no help. Find a common point to engage in conversation with. Something interesting/funny just happened. Wearing a shirt of a band you really like. Find something in common and expand on it. Basically, the same way you engage in a conversation with anybody. Then, at the end of the conversation, you ask for a method of contact. Well, I suppose you don't even have to ask if you don't want to, you can just write down your own number and hand it to him and it's still appropriate.

On the other hand, especially being a woman, you can use the direct method to much success if he's interested in you already or has any initial attraction upon approaching him. "Hi, I'm So-and-so. I've noticed you around and you seem like a cool guy. Wanna go get [coffee, a beer, whatever]?" Provided he has that initial attraction and doesn't feel the need to reinforce societal gender roles, he'll think he's hit the jackpot if you offer to buy him a beer. I don't know about Sweden, but that is a really unique move and sets you apart as a woman.

Edit: To add a little bit, if he has an initial attraction to you, it's hard to screw it up. If he doesn't have an initial attraction to you, you're not going to get anywhere no matter what you do.

 

[Angie7F]

I agree. I am a girl too but I know I have initiated conversations with guys i met for the first time.

Usually I look at them and smile first to test the water. If they show interest then whatever approach that you choose to do next is fine.

I also tend to like the " here is my number, call me if you a interested" approach too, because then I don't have to worry about the calling.

That said, I would just pick anything about him( book, bag, shirt, shoes etc) and compliment it and ask a question about it.
A compliment alone won't get you an answer apart from thanks.
As long as you come up with a decent question, he won't think o are a crazy person that speaks to everyone around them.

Good luck!

 

[daveman247]

Its only creepy when they are not attracted to you

 

[VildVittran]

Hm. This is an interesting twist on a common situation. First, to answer your questions. No, I think you'd have to actually try to come off as creepy. At worst, he'll be indifferent. If he's interested he'll most likely try to carry on a conversation if he's not the shy type.

As for approaching someone who you otherwise have zero interaction with? Easy to do, hard to explain. I keep thinking to explain it with "Well, just talk to him". But that's obviously of no help. Find a common point to engage in conversation with. Something interesting/funny just happened. Wearing a shirt of a band you really like. Find something in common and expand on it. Basically, the same way you engage in a conversation with anybody. Then, at the end of the conversation, you ask for a method of contact. Well, I suppose you don't even have to ask if you don't want to, you can just write down your own number and hand it to him and it's still appropriate.

On the other hand, especially being a woman, you can use the direct method to much success if he's interested in you already or has any initial attraction upon approaching him. "Hi, I'm So-and-so. I've noticed you around and you seem like a cool guy. Wanna go get [coffee, a beer, whatever]?" Provided he has that initial attraction and doesn't feel the need to reinforce societal gender roles, he'll think he's hit the jackpot if you offer to buy him a beer. I don't know about Sweden, but that is a really unique move and sets you apart as a woman.

Edit: To add a little bit, if he has an initial attraction to you, it's hard to screw it up. If he doesn't have an initial attraction to you, you're not going to get anywhere no matter what you do.

Thank you for the advice, I think the hardest part is actually just getting the courage to follow it. In general just starting to talk to people randomly without being in a bar or at least a wee bit tipsy is sadly quite uncommon in my town(I guess I'm reinforcing the Swedish stereotype a bit here). I'll probably do best in doing the direct approach to save time though since I always just spot him briefly in the corridor rushes, his schedule seems to differ quite a lot from mine. Also I'll have to work on not sounding rehearsed, that could be a bit off-putting, haha.

 

[VildVittran]

I agree. I am a girl too but I know I have initiated conversations with guys i met for the first time.

Usually I look at them and smile first to test the water. If they show interest then whatever approach that you choose to do next is fine.

I also tend to like the " here is my number, call me if you a interested" approach too, because then I don't have to worry about the calling.

That said, I would just pick anything about him( book, bag, shirt, shoes etc) and compliment it and ask a question about it.
A compliment alone won't get you an answer apart from thanks.
As long as you come up with a decent question, he won't think o are a crazy person that speaks to everyone around them.

Good luck!

I don't see him very often but when I do I usually smile to him, and he does reciprocate but that could just be common courtesy though. Sounds like a good idea giving my number and let him choose whether he's interested or not. An easier approach would probably be Facebook, but alas he doesn't have that so I guess I'll have to do this old school, haha.

 

[Galletea]

You have nothing to lose, so just start by smiling and saying hi when you pass him and see what his reaction is. The worst case scenario is that he looks at you as if you're a complete nutter and then you can safely assume not to take it any further.
It's not easy to just start conversing with someone you don't actually know, so it's best to at least make him aware of you by coming across as a friendly sort of girl. Then if he hasn't looked at you like something he had to scrape off of his shoe, next time you're in his vicinity you can say hi and then talk about something else. You just need to find a common ground to start from. If you like what he wears then compliment him, ask where he got whatever from.
Best of luck, let us know what happens

 

[LetalisK]

In general just starting to talk to people randomly without being in a bar or at least a wee bit tipsy is sadly quite uncommon in my town(I guess I'm reinforcing the Swedish stereotype a bit here).

There is a stereotype of Swedes being drunks? The only one I know of is that all the women are leggy, blonde, blue-eyed supermodels who have a 60% of having a twin.

 

[VildVittran]

There is a stereotype of Swedes being drunks? The only one I know of is that all the women are leggy, blonde, blue-eyed supermodels who have a 60% of having a twin.

Ah yeah, aside from the blonde stereotype, I've heard a lot about Swedes being quite cold and having trouble socializing without alcohol. It could be a stereotype limited to what other scandinavians think of us though. I don't know which one of the stereotypes I prefer though, neither is sitting very well with me, haha.

 

[JesterRaiin]

Question is, how do you approach someone you don't even have any mutual acquaintances with or know anything about, without being creepy?

"Uhhh, hello buddy. Look, i know, we don't know ech other, and there's probability that we have nothing in common, but strangely i find you somewhat interesting and i really don't know why. Care to work on that matter a little ?" ;]

I'd react VERY positively to such open behavior. :]

 

[Smooth Operator]

Well you are in luck, being a female gives you -10 to creepiness, in other words you would haveto go to extremes before the guy would even considered it.

Basically you just walk up to him and say "Hi", if he is semi confident then he will most likely take over from there, if not then you might need to put in some effort and form some coherent sentences.
And if all that hard work doesn't pay off then the guys is either not interested, clueless, or too shy to talk to girls, in either case he is not someone you would want to be with.

 

[the_dancy_vagrant]

I agree. I am a girl too but I know I have initiated conversations with guys i met for the first time.

Usually I look at them and smile first to test the water. If they show interest then whatever approach that you choose to do next is fine.

I also tend to like the " here is my number, call me if you a interested" approach too, because then I don't have to worry about the calling.

That said, I would just pick anything about him( book, bag, shirt, shoes etc) and compliment it and ask a question about it.
A compliment alone won't get you an answer apart from thanks.
As long as you come up with a decent question, he won't think o are a crazy person that speaks to everyone around them.

Good luck!

I don't see him very often but when I do I usually smile to him, and he does reciprocate but that could just be common courtesy though. Sounds like a good idea giving my number and let him choose whether he's interested or not. An easier approach would probably be Facebook, but alas he doesn't have that so I guess I'll have to do this old school, haha.

If he's straight and single then giving him your number and asking him to call WILL get his attention. And unless he's totally oblivious, he'll get that you're attracted to him.

 

[Zack Alklazaris]

Hey fellow Escapists,
I've been lurking here for a while and seeing as this community consists of mostly guys I was thinking I could maybe get some advice. I seem to have gone through my teenage years (being 19 now) without ever having to take the first step myself when it comes to relationships and that sort of thing, I guess that's kinda the norm since I'm a girl though, so I'm basically clueless.

So I've got this problem.

Lately I've started noticing this guy in my school, of whom I only know the name of and next to nothing else. It's pretty random really that I've found interest in this dude, he's just got this nice atmosphere around him I guess. Question is, how do you approach someone you don't even have any mutual acquaintances with or know anything about, without being creepy? I'm just really worried to come off as that creepy stranger who starts talking to random people at the bus stop or something like that, or do guys think differently when it comes to this sort of thing? Would you try to carry on the conversation or get confused?

Your a girl you can literally go up and say "Hey my name is _____ I like you." and it will be sweet and loving.

Its only creepy when guys do it, because apparently all we think about is getting in your pants.

 

[artanis_neravar]

Its only creepy when they are not attracted to you

And Ninja'd. As bad is it sounds this is the truth. Guys are just like girls, if someone attractive approaches you out of the blue you are more likely to respond in a positive manner.

 

[renegade7]

Oh, another one of these threads.

Advice forums really need to have an automatic response system to these kinds of questions.

Okay, sarcasm over.

Just talk to him. Best advice you can actually get anywhere, really.

 

[Giftfromme]

Its only creepy when they are not attracted to you

what...are you on about? lol

 

[daveman247]

Its only creepy when they are not attracted to you

what...are you on about? lol

'tis a joke. You know, the idea that its ok for an attractive person to pursue you, but is creepy if they are ugly

 

[Simalacrum]

While, as others here have already said, you don't really need to worry about appearing creepy, I can certainly understand why you might be nervous about approaching a complete stranger.

So, I'd say try and find common ground with him; perhaps he has a hobby, and goes to a club relating to that hobby? If so, see if you can join that club, and see about approaching him that way. If its a club outside of school, even better, as you can take the "oh hey, I've seen you around school" approach.

As for how to find out about this information? ask about, maybe approach some of his friends about it (might be embarrassing, but confessing about your interest to him may help them to be co-operative), etc etc.

Oh, also, this approach will work a LOT better if you have even a remote interest in what he does. If you go join a club with no interest whatsoever in what they're doing, then it won't be enjoyable for you, which is something one should avoid. If there isn't any common ground with you and him, (in terms of interests and such), perhaps he isn't the best choice of person to hook up with.

 

[Elementary - Dear Watson]

Do NOT just grab their crotch... happened to me in a club once with a girl that was walking past... scared me half to death! Thought I was being raped...!

Anyway, on a more serious note, if a girl just came over to me and started to talk I would be awesomely flattered! Not creepy at all... unless of course it was at an inappropriate time... stay out of the gents loos!

Before you do though, scout out some common ground... everybody has some! If you are struggling you could just resort to -Hey! We go to the same school! Or -Hey, you have arms? Me too! But i'd work on that if I were you!

Honestly though... it's not creepy to just start a conversation with someone!

Final advice... As a female you may need to take note of this: If it works, and you become freinds first... beware. When you start becoming good friends that is the point that you take the relationship up a level... don't just go 'freinds for life...' because that is just dman mean! Grrr... the friendzone!

 

[Goofguy]

Unless the guy is a conceived, pompous douche, most men will be flattered that a woman approached them if not at least attracted.

My first serious relationship was borne out of one such instance where she had the cojones to approach me and indicate her interest. It wasn't even that I was too shy to pursue it myself, I just wasn't even aware of her.