To forget a dream...

[SckizoBoy]

... I'm not sure how much more of this I'm able to take...

Even though I've mentioned the backstory elsewhere, I suddenly find it difficult to share in light of recent... developments.

Tuesday, I had a bad dream, and it's been gnawing at me and it only struck me today how much so. I'm a relatively solitary individual and I only ever really go to two places: uni; and the supermarket. For uni, I was... alright, I just had difficulty concentrating, but today I had to do the shopping, which meant a half hour walk each way and half an hour buying stuff. This time, though, I had my iPod on maximum volume and I did the rounds in about fifteen minutes. And I couldn't get back to my flat fast enough. Why? Because every time I saw a young child, I wanted to cry. While waiting to check out, there was a young mother in front of me with two daughters and an infant son. The way she playfully interacted with her children, it was the most I could do not to break down in public. I think the next time I hear the laughter of a baby, I will just burst into tears.

I can't remember much of the start of the dream, because compared to the ending, it all seems rather superfluous. I run into my girlfriend's hospital room, and she's lying on the bed, smiling peacefully. We share words before looking over at a cot where a newborn is. A nurse picks the baby (a girl) up and gives her to her mother. She then passes her to me, but as soon as I feel the weight in my arms, the baby turns into sand and disappears to the sound of a baby's vocalisation of 'da-da'. My girlfriend's expression turns to pure horror and she screams. Then, I woke up, crying and shouting a name I thought I'd never even think again, let alone utter.

I want to forget this... but a part of me feels guilty at wanting to. Rather, how do I come to terms with this?

 

[Zantos]

If it's just a dream then even the most vivid ones fade after about a week. However if there's been any major stress or changes to your life recently then it could be a sign that, even if you don't think it's a big deal it could be completely wrecking at your subconcious. The obvious one is that you've just become or found out you're going to be a Dad, but it could be anything related to something important or your fear of losing it. If you keep having dreams like this then you should probably see some sort of councillor, your concious mind is really good at supressing bad things, but your real solution would be finding a way to bring out any issues and tackling them head on.

 

[SckizoBoy]

... no real stress recently, but... if she was alive, she'd be turning three soon, and I haven't really stopped thinking of what could've been us as a family.

 

[Emperor Platypus]

... no real stress recently, but... if she was alive, she'd be turning three soon, and I haven't really stopped thinking of what could've been us as a family.

Are you still with said girlfriend? Even if you're not would talking to her about this anxiety you have possible help? Maybe learning how she feels about all of this will allow you to put your fears and doubts to rest as well.

Apart from that maybe look into professional counseling. I don't think many of us here have had to deal with losing a child and are therefore woefully inadequate in our advice giving.

 

[SckizoBoy]

Are you still with said girlfriend? Even if you're not would talking to her about this anxiety you have possible help? Maybe learning how she feels about all of this will allow you to put your fears and doubts to rest as well.

Apart from that maybe look into professional counseling. I don't think many of us here have had to deal with losing a child and are therefore woefully inadequate in our advice giving.

We broke up almost two and a half years ago... our child was stillborn. It tore us apart, in most ways. After she left hospital, we never fought, but her dysphoric manias got so bad and when we finally realised that most were when I was around, we separated. We've both had our ups and downs, though I like to think I'd managed to get over it (as well as other things, our separation included). She's currently getting therapy, though where, I don't know (out of choice).

I had always hoped that a child would do for us what we couldn't do for each other.

I just don't think I ever really got out of the state of shock I felt, until I realised when seeing other young families 'we could've been a part of that'. Too many other things I was thinking...

 

[Zantos]

... no real stress recently, but... if she was alive, she'd be turning three soon, and I haven't really stopped thinking of what could've been us as a family.

I'm really sorry to hear that. I'd definitely say it's the sort of thing that'll really tear you up and definitely recommend some counselling to help you.

 

[SiskoBlue]

I'd say get some real help first. Losing a child is serious business and there's a million feelings and thoughts tied up with being a parent. Trying to just struggle through it without help is not good.

Its often said bad dreams like that are the attempts of you subconscious to make you face up to some truth that your concious mind isn't willing to face. What that is only you can find out. There's clearly a large gap between what you expected your life to be and what it is. You envisage this idealised happy family, but instead live this isolated existence without any affection or much hope.

Could it be you crave to have that hope again, to start socialising and dating people but are terrified because you'll get hurt again. Being hurt is almost inevitable, even in very loving relationships. It could be that you feel you just can't take the risk of getting hurt again.

I've known people who have lost children and loved ones, and the biggest problem they all have is that they didn't know how to mourn. They felt they knew how they were supposed to behave but no one could help them actually face the feelings of loss and come to terms with the feelings of blame, or injustice, or frustration, or pointlessness. They felt they just grope around blindly, waiting for the pain to go.

This may not help you but I'll share the thoughts of a friend of mine who came to terms with losing her child during pregnancy as well;
Firstly, she took comfort from fantasing what could have been, and rather than thinking of it as something lost, she thought of it as something gained. She'd come to accept that nothing would have changed what happened, no one was to blame for her losing her child. Not quite destiny, just inevitable that her child wasn't going to make it. But she said if she'd never been pregnant she would never been able to imagine this child and what could have been.

She also said that although it hurt, it made her realise just how capable she was of loving. The fact that it hurt so much meant that she knew exactly what she wanted and this WAS important to her. So eventually she got pregnant again, she was terrified of losing another child again but she got counselling to get her through. And now she's a happy mother with 3 kids. She never forgets but she's got through it, and I'd say she's a richer person for it.

So I say, you'll be fine. It's terrible, and frightening, but you will be fine. It's a shame you couldn't keep your relationship together but people grieve at different times, and in different ways. Few relationships survive it. But you will, and now you know just how important being a dad is to you. And you have to know you didn't fail, but that will come with time and talking. As I said at the beginning, get some real help. And don't be put off if you don't like the first session with someone. Find another counsellor if you have to.

Good luck.