Too Much Pressure to Perform During Sex
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Speaking as a student mental health nurse it seems like to be able to 'perform' as you put it you need to deal with the thing causing you depression and anxiety.qazmatoz said:
The depression sounds like a personal thing and if you feel you are really struggling with it (i.e. feeling like its not worth being here, thoughts of hurting yourself or others etc) i'd strongly advise you see your doctor.
in terms of school have you tried talking to your teachers about your work load and give a brief detail of how its affecting you personally, like its affecting your relationship. They might be able to help you by giving extra tuition with the things you're struggling with or perhaps even less work and extensions to deadlines.
Also try to get your girlfriend involved in your work, explain to her what your struggling with and ask her advice.
As a woman if my man was having problems him having asking my opinion and letting me walk a mile in his shoes often helps me understand better what he's going through.
If you are still struggling physically in the mean time maybe you should try mutual masturbation or other avenues i.e. oral sex, reassure her that you are still interested and that you still want her.
If she is still fixated on the fact that you are not in a physical relationship then maybe she's just not mentally old enough to cope with a mature emotional relationship and tis your choice whether or not to keep the relationship open.
Hope this helps
You got a mouth and hands, start performing.
Honestly, compliment the fuck out of her while trying to explain why you're having trouble. Obviously, it's not her, which you should tell her ( plus tell her she's beautiful and other sugary compliments) If she's insecure about herself, then you got to reassure that's it is not her fault.
Now for you;
Try to find a day or two where you can relax, and de-stress yourself. You're going to hurt yourself soon. Do what you do to relieve stress. Example; excercise, walks, video games etc. After you feel relaxed, and stress free, I suggest doing something romantic for your girlfriend and then try having sex. If you can't perform after that, you may want to go talk to your doctor.
Honestly, compliment the fuck out of her while trying to explain why you're having trouble. Obviously, it's not her, which you should tell her ( plus tell her she's beautiful and other sugary compliments) If she's insecure about herself, then you got to reassure that's it is not her fault.
Now for you;
Try to find a day or two where you can relax, and de-stress yourself. You're going to hurt yourself soon. Do what you do to relieve stress. Example; excercise, walks, video games etc. After you feel relaxed, and stress free, I suggest doing something romantic for your girlfriend and then try having sex. If you can't perform after that, you may want to go talk to your doctor.
Most importantly Sex is not your major issue here. if you are suffering from extreme stress and or depression, go see your local doctor, I don't know how it is in America as I am from Australia but in Australia they can refer you to a psychologist and its covered under health care for free. Depression is a big issue that you need to help with as you will its almost impossible to work it all out on your own. And if you don't think you can afford a psychologist or dont want to go in general find a supporting figure such as a parent to talk to about this.
Also judging from your post im taking it your no older than 18, sex should not be the be all and end all of your relationship, this hype you and your girlfriend are making of it no doubt gives you added stress. What you will want to do with your girlfriend is to speak about your depression and anxiety without the context of sex and also ask for her support to find you help. shes not going to believe you if you say you have depression and do absolutely nothing to help yourself. tell her you are going through some serious issues you cant deal with personally and you need to get some help.
Also things like this is not best to talk about on the internet, speak to your parents, teacher, or some kind of mentor figure who has been around the place and knows some stuff.
but yea speak to someone, psychologist, school counselor, teacher, coach, or uncle someone you think will take your issue seriously and will give you sage advice but most importantly support.
Also judging from your post im taking it your no older than 18, sex should not be the be all and end all of your relationship, this hype you and your girlfriend are making of it no doubt gives you added stress. What you will want to do with your girlfriend is to speak about your depression and anxiety without the context of sex and also ask for her support to find you help. shes not going to believe you if you say you have depression and do absolutely nothing to help yourself. tell her you are going through some serious issues you cant deal with personally and you need to get some help.
Also things like this is not best to talk about on the internet, speak to your parents, teacher, or some kind of mentor figure who has been around the place and knows some stuff.
but yea speak to someone, psychologist, school counselor, teacher, coach, or uncle someone you think will take your issue seriously and will give you sage advice but most importantly support.
It's been said before but here it goes again: viagra. First, try and relax. If you're nervous about it, it won't work anyway. Sex's one of those things where you need to go with the flow. *Ahem* Interpret that any way you want.
Second, take some viagra and forget about everything else but that moment. Seriously, no joking. If you can manage to perform well, maybe you'll regain some of your confidence (Which seems to be lacking, based on what you described) and that will be one less thing to worry about and therefore, you'll be one step closer to fixing stuff in your life.
Like someone said, viagra isn't just for elderly people who can't put it up anymore.
Also, talk to your girlfriend a bit more. She needs to trust you when you say it's not that she's not attractive or that you're not happy with you not reaching an orgasm. She's just gonna have to trust you on this one and hope for you to get over this. It may sound harsh but if she truly loves you and trusts you, she'll understand and she could even help you get through this.
Second, take some viagra and forget about everything else but that moment. Seriously, no joking. If you can manage to perform well, maybe you'll regain some of your confidence (Which seems to be lacking, based on what you described) and that will be one less thing to worry about and therefore, you'll be one step closer to fixing stuff in your life.
Like someone said, viagra isn't just for elderly people who can't put it up anymore.
Also, talk to your girlfriend a bit more. She needs to trust you when you say it's not that she's not attractive or that you're not happy with you not reaching an orgasm. She's just gonna have to trust you on this one and hope for you to get over this. It may sound harsh but if she truly loves you and trusts you, she'll understand and she could even help you get through this.
Have you tried roleplaying? I know it sounds strange but it's surprisingly effective, err, not that I would know...
What?
What?
This seems very relevant. You shouldn't have to make the effort to have sex. Are you serious?Chefodeath said:
The point here is not to please her. The point here is that she is refusing to understand you because she thinks that some things should be in some way, instead of just getting the fact that you have issues.
I would tell that narrow minded person to stop telling you how you are supposed to act and how stuff are supposed to be like. This is how you feel and you are telling her because you want and need her to understand. If she still can't, and is too busy telling you that what she feels is more relevant, then you should definitely break up with her.
Your best option is probably to find some way to relieve your stress in some other way, some cathartic activity or pleasant pastime that makes you more relaxed. That should help.
Your other option is spending all your time hopped up on Viagra
Your other option is spending all your time hopped up on Viagra
What I'm about to offer, qazmatoz is basic Psychology / Human Sexuality 101 stuff, so it may be obvious to some of you guys.[footnote]In my not-so-humble opinion, this stuff should be obvious to everyone, but for our crappy educational system, and the US's ongoing freak-out about sex.[/footnote]
All that crap your girlfriend is dumping on you is not about you. The problem here is that she's insecure about herself, and is seeking out verification of her own self-image (her waning sex appeal) in your performance difficulties. The fact is, even if you were performing like a pro, she'd be on the lookout for reasons she is on the out. Note that this has nothing to do with the truth of the matter. She may still be a hottie (and tell her so!) but she will ultimately need to decide for herself that she's attractive enough (or that it doesn't matter).
The ideal solution is to take off the pressure to perform. As Dan Savage likes to point out, the more different activities you considered as having sex, the more sex you will have.[footnote]This is a detail that heterosexual groups take for granted, since coitus is usually an option. In the gay communities, many couples love each other, and want to express that physically, but don't exactly have matching equipment, so for them experimentation is a natural process.[/footnote] Maybe your girlfriend would be willing to take copulation off the table for a while, while you guys just experiment and explore and find out what all feels good. If a good time doesn't require the necessity of an erection, or of successful insertion, that will ease the pressure to make such things happen.
As was noted above, there's always the All-American way of prescription drugs. The Viagra-style meds that are out there are remarkably effective, and are used for a myriad of causes for erectile dysfunction, from simple condom resistance to prostate failure to countering the side-effects of antidepressants. I don't recommend going this route, as this only treats the symptoms of the larger issues. Communication problems and stress will manifest even worse symptoms with time until they are addressed.
Unlike my fellow Escapists above, I do not recommend curbing your porn habit unless it is particularly extreme (say you're masturbating multiple times a day) in which case the issue isn't specifically porn but manic excess. But masturbation is sex with yourself, and is inappropriately disparaged thanks to religious and cultural issues. It is good to know how your girlfriend reacts to you having porn, and seeing what porn you have. If she doesn't like it, you need to exercise discretion, of course. Asking you to not have any, though, is unreasonable; even Osama Bin Laden had a porn stash.
If it's not obvious, people in porn, like people on television, are not built like real people, and it is good to be aware of how your brain reacts to one compared to the other. Western culture has had problems with young men being exposed only to playboy centerfolds and imprinting on them rather than real women, but this is something usually that plagues inexperienced single men; I suspect you don't have this issue.
Good luck.
238U
All that crap your girlfriend is dumping on you is not about you. The problem here is that she's insecure about herself, and is seeking out verification of her own self-image (her waning sex appeal) in your performance difficulties. The fact is, even if you were performing like a pro, she'd be on the lookout for reasons she is on the out. Note that this has nothing to do with the truth of the matter. She may still be a hottie (and tell her so!) but she will ultimately need to decide for herself that she's attractive enough (or that it doesn't matter).
The ideal solution is to take off the pressure to perform. As Dan Savage likes to point out, the more different activities you considered as having sex, the more sex you will have.[footnote]This is a detail that heterosexual groups take for granted, since coitus is usually an option. In the gay communities, many couples love each other, and want to express that physically, but don't exactly have matching equipment, so for them experimentation is a natural process.[/footnote] Maybe your girlfriend would be willing to take copulation off the table for a while, while you guys just experiment and explore and find out what all feels good. If a good time doesn't require the necessity of an erection, or of successful insertion, that will ease the pressure to make such things happen.
As was noted above, there's always the All-American way of prescription drugs. The Viagra-style meds that are out there are remarkably effective, and are used for a myriad of causes for erectile dysfunction, from simple condom resistance to prostate failure to countering the side-effects of antidepressants. I don't recommend going this route, as this only treats the symptoms of the larger issues. Communication problems and stress will manifest even worse symptoms with time until they are addressed.
Unlike my fellow Escapists above, I do not recommend curbing your porn habit unless it is particularly extreme (say you're masturbating multiple times a day) in which case the issue isn't specifically porn but manic excess. But masturbation is sex with yourself, and is inappropriately disparaged thanks to religious and cultural issues. It is good to know how your girlfriend reacts to you having porn, and seeing what porn you have. If she doesn't like it, you need to exercise discretion, of course. Asking you to not have any, though, is unreasonable; even Osama Bin Laden had a porn stash.
If it's not obvious, people in porn, like people on television, are not built like real people, and it is good to be aware of how your brain reacts to one compared to the other. Western culture has had problems with young men being exposed only to playboy centerfolds and imprinting on them rather than real women, but this is something usually that plagues inexperienced single men; I suspect you don't have this issue.
Good luck.
238U
I feel for you man, I'm pretty much in the exact same position, I'm considering dropping my current education to get some work (I've been going to school now for 16 and a half years by now, I'm tired of school to be honest) and I'm very worried about claiming a title as "unemployed" and has caused me to stress a bit and not feel comfortable.qazmatoz said:
So me and my girlfriends sex life has taken a hit, I can get off while masturbating, but I can't seem to find my drive with her, but atleast I'm lucky she understands that it isn't her fault.
I got no advice to give, just wanted you to know you arn't alone, only thing I can tell you is to try and sit her down and have a talk, tell her what kind of stress you are under, and you are very occupied thinking about it.
Please, people:
Yes, there are other ways to pleasure your partner than with your genitalia - but they are not /sex/. Genuine intercourse between two people is a strong bonding experience and something special. While you can certainly get each other to orgasm without it, it's never quite the same. An inability to have that sex will cause the aforementioned anxiety / stress issues, particularly in men (who, even when we deny it, are still hard-wired to have sex as often as possible).
So yes, there is plenty OP can do to satisfy his girlfriend without maintaining an erection - but none of them are a solution to the problem at hand. They certainly don't help with the girlfriend's views that his lack of orgasm is somehow her fault.
Yes, there are other ways to pleasure your partner than with your genitalia - but they are not /sex/. Genuine intercourse between two people is a strong bonding experience and something special. While you can certainly get each other to orgasm without it, it's never quite the same. An inability to have that sex will cause the aforementioned anxiety / stress issues, particularly in men (who, even when we deny it, are still hard-wired to have sex as often as possible).
So yes, there is plenty OP can do to satisfy his girlfriend without maintaining an erection - but none of them are a solution to the problem at hand. They certainly don't help with the girlfriend's views that his lack of orgasm is somehow her fault.
Dude, I have been where you are right now. For months, I was unable to perform sexually. My then girlfriend thought it was because I didn't find her attractive enough, which wasn't true at all. I couldn't talk her out of that though, and every time we tried it again I felt more and more pressure because I failed every time. She didn't understand what was going on at all and pretty much everything she said about it made things even worse.
After months I suddenly snapped out of it. I was massaging her and she did not expect me to do anything else. I suppose I just didn't feel the pressure like I had for months and it helped. It did not save the relationship though. Things just didn't feel right from the beginning, in hindsight.
All in all, I think it's safe to say that I can strongly relate to what you're going through right now and I know how difficult it is. For me, the 'click' just wasn't there. If you think that's what's going on with you, you might as well end your relationship right now. However, you say you love her and I'm a complete stranger from the internet so we both know you probably won't do that.
From what I can gather from your story, you're feeling pressure from both yourself and from her. The sexual experience isn't pleasurable anymore at all. You both associate it with stress instead of relaxation. You're going through your own problems and she doesn't seem to be putting much effort into understand you and comforting you.
Advice: I want you to understand that this is as much her problem as it is yours. Firstly, think hard about wether you want to continue this relationship or not. Maybe a friend or two could help you think clearly about things. If you don't want to do that, or you've decided to continue the relationship, you and her will really have to talk about this thing.
If she keeps this attitude up, nothing will change. You're stuck in a downward spiral and she's not really helping. I'm sure you've tried to talk about it already, but it's the only thing that I can imagine helping.
I hope this helps a little. Good luck to you.
After months I suddenly snapped out of it. I was massaging her and she did not expect me to do anything else. I suppose I just didn't feel the pressure like I had for months and it helped. It did not save the relationship though. Things just didn't feel right from the beginning, in hindsight.
All in all, I think it's safe to say that I can strongly relate to what you're going through right now and I know how difficult it is. For me, the 'click' just wasn't there. If you think that's what's going on with you, you might as well end your relationship right now. However, you say you love her and I'm a complete stranger from the internet so we both know you probably won't do that.
From what I can gather from your story, you're feeling pressure from both yourself and from her. The sexual experience isn't pleasurable anymore at all. You both associate it with stress instead of relaxation. You're going through your own problems and she doesn't seem to be putting much effort into understand you and comforting you.
Advice: I want you to understand that this is as much her problem as it is yours. Firstly, think hard about wether you want to continue this relationship or not. Maybe a friend or two could help you think clearly about things. If you don't want to do that, or you've decided to continue the relationship, you and her will really have to talk about this thing.
If she keeps this attitude up, nothing will change. You're stuck in a downward spiral and she's not really helping. I'm sure you've tried to talk about it already, but it's the only thing that I can imagine helping.
I hope this helps a little. Good luck to you.
Have you two tried maybe instead just laying in bed and calming-ly listen to music with each other? This may sound of topic, but maybe what you need is just a quite bonding moment with her to let it all flow out. Count it as foreplay, maybe during the music you will feel up to it and have a nice long passionate moment.
EVEN if you dont get it up,
If that still doesn't work and she is badgering you for more, then maybe try to explain it still or just say goodbye, it will make focusing on school work a bit easier.
EVEN if you dont get it up,
Thank you Squall Loire, try using other body parts, your fingers are phallic imagery taken out of context.Squall-Loire said:
If that still doesn't work and she is badgering you for more, then maybe try to explain it still or just say goodbye, it will make focusing on school work a bit easier.
Ok, a bit awkward to say but..have you tried giving her oral? some other way to please her when you cannot perform?
The viagra thing is also an option, as well as trying relaxation techniques. Find ways to calm down. And try to not think about performing well. Thinking about it will only make it worse.
The viagra thing is also an option, as well as trying relaxation techniques. Find ways to calm down. And try to not think about performing well. Thinking about it will only make it worse.
You two need counseling, there are so many issues weaved into this that you can't get away with an easy fix anymore.
Sure poping a pill will fix the erection but that will just be some gloss over the ever growing problems.
So find a professional and have a talk, your GF obviously doesn't trust you right now so you need someone to get it through her thick skull that your depression is a real thing and then work on her's while you are at it.
But do consider the possibility you two are not a good match, with both having self-doubt tendencies a partnership could just be a self perpetuating ball of depression that cannot be resolved.
Sure poping a pill will fix the erection but that will just be some gloss over the ever growing problems.
So find a professional and have a talk, your GF obviously doesn't trust you right now so you need someone to get it through her thick skull that your depression is a real thing and then work on her's while you are at it.
But do consider the possibility you two are not a good match, with both having self-doubt tendencies a partnership could just be a self perpetuating ball of depression that cannot be resolved.
NP. Like you, I've been in the situation OP is suffering through. The exact quote from the girl at the time was "You know what you're doing so I'm not disappointed... it's just not the same."DYin01 said:
Sexually, she was physically satisfied (and for the most part, so was I at first) but the psychological/emotional component that comes with penetrative sex was missing.
"What most people don't know about love, sex, and relations with other human beings would fill a book. Strangers in Paradise is that book. I have long suspected that what people did in private was much funnier than it ever was erotic." - Neil Gaiman
In other words, relax have fun, stop putting undue pressure on each other from pornography and other societal "norms" and figure shit out then enjoy doing so.
In other words, relax have fun, stop putting undue pressure on each other from pornography and other societal "norms" and figure shit out then enjoy doing so.
That's what friends are for 
just kidding, please don't report/suspend me.
1. You're girlfriend needs to understand and stop pressuring you.
2. Get 2 or three days off work/school (preferably a long weekend) and do something to relief stress like playing sports, sleeping all day or getting ass drunk.
3. Take some herbal medicine for stress and stuff.
4. Don't masturbate or try to have sex for a period of time you find good enough to load your sex energy, could be a week or two.
On the other hand, you're sexually active and I'm not so i should be taking advice from you.
just kidding, please don't report/suspend me.1. You're girlfriend needs to understand and stop pressuring you.
2. Get 2 or three days off work/school (preferably a long weekend) and do something to relief stress like playing sports, sleeping all day or getting ass drunk.
3. Take some herbal medicine for stress and stuff.
4. Don't masturbate or try to have sex for a period of time you find good enough to load your sex energy, could be a week or two.
On the other hand, you're sexually active and I'm not so i should be taking advice from you.