Attack the Block.
Stepbrothers
Scott Pilgrim
And a transcript of a George Carlin routine It doesn't contain his usual awesome voice or speed, so some of the parts may no longer be funny.
George Carlin, often considered the best stand-up comedian of all time, passed away this June after a prolific 50-year career in sophisticated humour. He is the laureate of four Grammy awards in addition to countless other less substantial recognitions. He vigorously undertook contemporary political issues in the United States and satirized the excesses of American culture. Carlin was noted for his black humor as well as stupendous insights on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects. And most significantly, George Carlin always had his feet on the ground, at no time lost his ability to see truth behind a masquerade of demagogy and red tape, and excelled at selflessly expounding it to the public.
(Preamble and transcription by Taavi Toomasson)
[walks on stage, thanking and waving]
I?m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke-free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist; politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I?ve been uplinked and downloaded, I?ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I?m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bicoastal multitasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
I?m new wave, but I?m old school and my inner child is outward bound. I?m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I?m interactive, I?m hyperactive and from time to time I?m radioactive.
Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave, dodging the bullet and pushing the envelope. I?m on-point, on-task, on-message and off drugs. I?ve got no need for coke and speed. I?ve got no urge to binge and purge. I?m in-the-moment, on-the-edge, over-the-top but under-the-radar. A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps and run victory laps. I?m a totally ongoing big-foot, slam-dunk, rainmaker with a pro-active outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial!
I?ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can?t shut me up. You can?t dumb me down because I?m tireless and I?m wireless. I?m an alpha male on beta-blockers.
I?m a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid-back but fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home, low-rent, high-maintenance. Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built-to-last! I?m a hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk head case, pre-maturely post-traumatic and I?ve got a love-child that sends me hate mail.
But, I?m feeling, I?m caring, I?m healing, I?m sharing ? a supportive, bonding, nurturing primary care-giver. My output is down, but my income is up. I take a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash-flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds and I watch trash sports! I?m gender specific, capital intensive, user-friendly and lactose intolerant.
I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the ?F? word in my emails and the software on my hard-drive is hardcore ? no soft porn. I bought a microwave at a mini-mall; I bought a mini-van at a mega-store. I eat fast-food in the slow lane. I?m toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear and I come in all sizes. A fully-equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically- formulated medical miracle. I?ve been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed and, I have an unlimited broadband capacity.
I?m a rude dude, but I?m the real deal. Lean and mean. Cocked, locked and ready-to-rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide. I?ve got glide in my stride. Driving and moving, sailing and spinning, jiving and grooving, wailing and winning. I don?t snooze, so I don?t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time. I?m hanging in, there ain?t no doubt and I?m hanging tough, over and out!
[stormy ovation; GC thanks the crowd]
I?ve got 341 days sober and next year is my 50th anniversary in show business. Let?s do a fucking show, huh?
[crowd applauding]
You know something people don?t talk about in public anymore? Pussy farts.
[extended aplause]
So, anyway? Now I said that on my last HBO show, and apparently some people don?t know what a pussy fart is, because I got some inquiries. Here?s the deal. A pussy fart is like when your making love to a woman who has a little extra air in her vagina, and every time you thrust forward, it?s kind of a?
[makes a whole bunch of nasty fart noises]
And the two of you are lying there, each wondering if the other one farted. And the man is usually thinking, ?Maybe she farts when she cums. Maybe she took a shit. Man, I better stay out of that fuckin? bar.?
Another word you don?t hear too often is ?dingleberries?. You know, you never hear it on Meet the Press. The dingleberry solution, the dingleberry gate. Nothing. I think it?s because ?dingleberries? is one of those words you don?t say too much past your tenth birthday. It?s not a grown-up?s word; it?s a kid?s word. ?Dingleberries!? It always sounded kind of Christmasy to me. Don?t you think it has a holiday ring to it? ?Dingleberries.? John, you might want to hang some dingleberries over the front door. Then when Marianne comes over, she can kiss you under the dingleberries!? It is to be devoutly wished . . . that she would kiss me . . . under the dingleberries.
Cornhole is another word you don?t hear enough. You don?t hear that nearly enough. You know. It?s a good word, it?s a solid word, it?s a tough word, it?s a man?s kind of word. It?s got a masculine sound. Like ?shotgun? and ?ashcan? and ?toetruck?? ?Cornhole!? Everything?s been sanitized now and cleaned up. First with these fucking Christians, you start with them. Let?s not leave out these PC capitalist liberal assholes ? I mean they?re just as fucking bad, just from a different direction. But everything?s different. Everything?s been polished up now. It?s anal intercourse, anal rape? Bullshit, CORNHOLE! I?m a big fan of the prime time crime shows, I like all of them pretty much. I like law and order and all the spin-offs of that, I like CSI and all of those spin-offs. Because, they?re forensics shows. And I?m just waiting for one night to be sitting watching one of them shows and the chief medical examiner turns to the lead detective and says: ?Steve, looks to me like after they killed this guy, the perpetrators rolled him over and cornholed him about twenty or thirty fucking times.That there is a posthumous multiple cornhole entry wound!? In prison it?s a social activity. It?s right up there on the bulletin board. Checkers, handball, cornholing.
Now, just to change the subject a little bit. Do you realise, do you realise that right this second, right now, somewhere around the world, some guy is getting ready to kill himself. Isn?t that great? Isn?t that great? Do you ever stop and think about that kind of shit? I do. It?s fun. And it?s interesting and it?s true! Right this second, some guy is getting ready to bite the big bazooka. Because statistics show that every year a million people commit suicide. A million. Thats 2800 a day. That?s one every thirty seconds.
[checks his watch]
There goes another guy! And I say guy, because men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide, even though women attempt it more. So men are better at it. That?s something else you gals want to be working on. Well if you wanna be truly equal you?re gonna have to start taking your own lives in greater numbers.
But I just think it?s interesting to know. Interesting ? that?s a big word in this show for me. Interesting to know that at any moment the odds are good that some guy is dragging a chair across the garage floor, trying to get it right underneath the ceiling beam. Don?t want to be too far off center, if it?s worth doing, it?s worth doing right. Somewhere else another guy is going over and getting a gun out of a dresser drawer. Somebody else is opening up a brand new package of razor blades. Maybe struggling with the cellophane a little bit. Ah shit, it?s always something. God damn it!
I just think that?s interesting as hell. That?s probably the most interesting thing you can do with your life ? end it! I think I couldn?t do it though, could you? I couldn?t commit suicide if my life depended on it. But I understand it, I think I do. I don?t wonder about it, I don?t wonder why did he do that or what was going through his mind. You know what I wonder? Where do you find the fucking time? Who?s got time to be commiting suicide, aren?t you busy? I got shit to do. Suicide would be way down on my list. Probably dpwn past lighting my own house on fire. I might want to try a little self-mutilation first, take a couple of hunks out of my arm, see if I like the general idea. Because you have got to have priorities. You have got to have a plan too, you have got to plan that shit. People don?t just run out a house and jump off a bridge. There are things you have to decide. Timing is important. When you are going to do it? Well, let me see now. Wednesday is out ? gotta take Timmy to the circus. Survival?s on on Thursday. Friday I?ve got my colon cleansing. Folks are coming over on Sunday. Sunday? My god that would be just a thing, maybe Mumma will find my body, will serve her right for fucking me up the way she did.
Then you have to pick a method. How are you going to do it? Well, let me see now, afraid of heights ? that?s no good, can?t swallow pills, don?t like the sight of blood, fucking oven?s electric, I?d lie down in front of a train except the damn thing hasn?t come through here in thirty god-damn years. Maybe I?ll just take a gun and shoot myself in the mouth. Suppose I miss. People would be laughing at me. Suppose I live ? I have big fucking hole in my head. I have to wear some kind of a dumb-ass hat. Well? I guess I can always hang myself, that would good. Have to get a rope, shit, it?s always something. I?ve got a rope in the garage? Nah, it has got a lot of grease and paint on it, don?t want to get that stuff on my neck. Walmart is having a special on ropes this weekend. No sense to spend a lot of money on killing myself. Then again I can always put it on my credit card and never going to have to pay the fucking thing. That?s it then, I?m hanging myself and Walmart?s paying for it.
What?s next? A note. Oh jesus. Have to express myself. Hell, if I could express myself, I wouldn?t be thinking on doing something like this. Where?s the pen? You never find a pen. Told the kids not to move the pen away from that telephone. God damn kids?Why don?t I just kill them too? Make it one of them family package deals. Ah, here?s a pen. Why don?t I just jam it in my fucking neck and get it over with? Let?s see now, where do you put the date? Upper left? I can never remember that. ?To whom it may concern?? Ah, sounds kind of impersonal. ?Dear Marcelle..?, ah, leaves out the kids. I know! ?Hey guys, guess what! Keep on reading! How are you, I hope you are fine. I am not fine! As you can no doubt tell from me hanging down the ceiling fixture. You are the ones who drove me to this. I was doing just fine until you fuckers came along. I hope you?re happy now that I?m god-damn dead. Signed: the corpse in this room. PS: Fuck you people!?
That would be a good note. I don?t think a writer could ever commit suicide, do you? A writer would be too busy on working on the note the whole God damn year. Trying to get it just right. First draft, second draft, third revision, whole new ending, finally would turn into a book proposal and have a reason to live. That wouldn?t work.
I think about stuff like that. It?s interesting to be, like I said. Certain things are interesting. Suicide?s interesting. Life is filled with interesting things. That?s why I could never commit suicide ? I?m having too much fun keeping an eye on you folks. Watching what you do.
Human behaviour ? that?s what I like. Humans do some really interesting things. Like besides killing ourselves, we also kill eachother ? murder. And we?re the only ones who do that, by the way. Humans are the only species on earth who deliberately kill members of a species for personal gain. Or pleasure. Sometimes it?s just fun. We?re also the only species who deliberately kill members of another species for personal gain. Or pleasure ? that?s what hunters do. They kill for pleasure. That?s us, human beings ? interesting folks. Murderers. Here?s an interesting form of murder we came up with ? assassination. You know what?s interesting about assassination? Well, not only does it change those popularity polls in a big fucking hurry, but it?s also interesting to notice who it is who we assassinate. Do you ever stop to see who it is, who it is we kill? It?s always people who have told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Medgar Evers, Malcom X, John Lennon. They all said: try to live together peacefully. BAM! Right in the fucking head. Apparently we?re not ready for that. That?s difficult behaviour for us. We?re too busy thinking around, sitting around, trying to think up ways to kill each other. Here?s one we came up with, it?s efficient too. Genocide. You know. Kill large numbers of people just because they don?t look like you, they don?t talk like you and they don?t have the same kind of hats you do. You ever notice that any time there?s two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they are wearing different kind of hats. Keep an eye on that, it might be important.
But any time there?s a genocide there are always mass graves. Every time we kill some dictator and go marching into his country we always find mass graves. Thousands and thousands of dead bodies of people that the dictator killed. And everybody over here gets horrified: Oh, mass graves, mass graves! Well, shit, what?s a guy supposed to do with a couple thousand people he just killed? Dig sepparate holes? Fuck that shit. It?s labour intensive, get real! The whole idea of killing a large number of people at one time in one place is convenience. The efficiency. Throw them in the fucking hole.
Look at it this way. At least the dictator had the decency to throw a little dirt on them. Give the guy some credit. Dictator?s a busy man. Got a lot on his mind. Like trying to figure out who?s planning to kill *him*. So he can pick them up, put them in prison and *torture* them. Here?s another one of our interesting heart-warming behaviours we?ve come up with somewhere along the way ? TORTURING each other.
You want to hear a really cool torture that the Romans invented? They also used it as a form of capital punishment, it?s *really* creative. They would take the guy in question, stuff him in a burlap sack, seal the sack up real tight and throw it in the river. But, and here?s the creative part, inside the sack, with the guy, they would put a dog, a monkey, and a snake. Okay? A dog, a monkey, and a snake. That?s fucking creative! Imagine being inside a burlap sack, underwater, in the dark, sitting next to a drowning monkey. Think he?d be moving around a little bit? The dog would be going apeshit, we know that. And the snake? Well, he?d probably be getting curious about what all the activity was inside the sack. He might do anything. Whatever he did would probably involve venom and his teeth. You know what you?d be doing? You?d be praying to God that the snake bit the monkey and the dog ate the snake. Praying.
Then it would be just you and the dog, man and his best friend, drowning together. Maybe before you die, you can teach him a few tricks. Roll over and play dead wouldn?t be too difficult, would it? Just a thought, just a playful thought.
I assume you?re noticing that all these activities I?m mentioning: murder, torture, genocide ? these are all things human beings do. Not animals, those creatures we feel superior to. This is us.
Here?s another one of our spiritually uplifting activities. We don?t do this one much anymore, but it used to be really big. Human sacrifice. I miss that. The Aztecs loved human sacrifice and they were good at it. Well they got a lot of practice. For instance, around the year 1500 the Aztecs sacrificed 80 000 people in one ceremony. Okay? 80 000 people in one ceremony. You know what the occasion was? They were opening a new temple. Nothing like religion for a little entertainment, huh? . Especially that old time religion. Do you know how the Aztechs went about their sacrificing? Here?s how they would do it. They would do it right in public, right in front of everybody. Big town, beautiful city square. Twenty-thirty thousand people looking on. They would take the guy, lay him on an altar, cut his chest open, pull his heart out, hold it up in the air while it was still beating. Got that? Cut his chest open, pull his heart out, hold it up in the air while it was still beating. You know what you call that? Theatre. That is fucking theatre. And although the procedure may have been a little too crude to be considered the first by-pass surgery, it could easily be seen as an early form of organ donor program.
The Aztecs, human beings, just like us. Not too long ago, five hundred years. Kolumbus had already landed. This was just south of here ? Mexico. And by the way those hearts didn?t go to waste. Did not go to waste. Because right after the ceremony, the royal family, naturally, would enjoy another one of our amusing acitivities ? cannibalism. Imagine that ? chowing down on another human being. You have got to be all out of beef jerky. You have got to be really fucking hungry. But it happens, doesn?t it. Still happens to this day. Bunch of people, stranded in the wilderness, run out of Pop Tarts, got to eat something. Might as well be Steve. And how do you decide who to eat first? How do you decide who?s first on the barbeque rack? Do you pick on the little guy, because he?s skinny and he can?t fight back or do you all gang up on the body-builder because he?s got a lot of steaks and chops on him? These are things human beings have to consider.
One more of these charming diversions of ours ? necrophilia. Now there?s a hobby for you. Fucking a corpse. Takes a special kind of guy, don?t you think. But it happens, it happens. More than you might think. It happens among humans, animals don?t do that. Animals don?t fuck their dead. A rat will do a lot of gross things but it will not fuck a dead rat. It wouldn?t even occur to him. Only a human being would *think* to fuck someone who just died. We have got to be the most interesting creatures on the planet. And then we wonder why a UFO doesn?t just land and say hello.
You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don?t have to bring flowers. Ususally they?re already there. Isn?t that nice? It?s nice. It?s convenient.
Human beings will do anything, anything. I am convinced. That?s why, when all those beheadings started in Iraq, it didn?t bother me. A lot of people here were horrified, ?Whaaaa, beheadings!? What, are you fucking surprised? Just one more form of extreme human behaviour. Besides, who cares about some mercenary civilian contractor from Oklahoma who gets his head cut off? Fuck them. Hey Jack, you don?t want to get your head cut off? Stay the fuck in Oklahoma. They aren?t cutting off heads in Oklahoma, as far as I know. But I do know this: you strap on a gun and go strutting around some other mens? country you?d better be ready for some action, Jack. You?d better be ready for some action. People are touchy about that sort of thing. And let me ask you this while I have you good clean Americans here. This is a moral question, not rhetorical, I am looking for the answer: what is the moral difference between cutting off one guy?s head, or two, or three, of five or ten ? and dropping a big bomb on a hospital and killing a whole bunch of sick kids? Has anybody in authority given you an explanation of the difference? I have not got an email on this, haven?t got a post card, no fucking instant messange, nothing. Now, in case you?re wondering why I have a certain interest, or fascination lets call it, with torture and beheadings and all of these things I?ve mentioned, is because each of these items reminds me in life, every time one of them occurs, reminds me over and over again what beasts we human beings really are. When you get right down to it, when you get right *down* to it, human beings are nothing more than ordinary jungle beasts. Savages. No different from the Cro Magnon people who lived twenty five thousand years ago in the plasticine forests eating crubs off rotten logs. No different. Our DNA hasn?t changed substantially in a houndred thousand years. We?re still operating out of the lower brain. The reptilian brain. Fight of flight. Kill or be killed. We like to think we?ve evolved and advanced because we can build a computer, fly an airplane, travel underwater, we can write a sonet, paint a painting, compose an opera. But you know something? We?re barely out of the jungle on this planet. Barely out of the fucking jungle. What we are, is semi-civilized beasts, with baseball caps and automatic weapons.
And this civilization of ours that we?re so proud of, this civilization with its so-called civilized behaviour. Have you ever stop and realize how fragile all of this really is? How easily it could all break just down? Break just down. Wouldn?t take much. Would probably happen in less that two years. Wouldn?t take much. Would throw us right back into barbaric times. All you?d have to do is eliminate electricity. That?s all. But completely. Eliminate electricity. So, no electricity, no lights. You?re back to candles and lanterns, camp fires and bonfires. Batteries couldn?t be recharged, generators couldn?t be refueled, because fuel is pumped electrically, so is water, by the way. So no lights, no fuel, no water. No computers, and computers run everything. And among the many things computers run that operate on electricity, are all of these security systems in all of ours jails and prisons and nuthouses. So, suddenly, without electricity all across America, the gates and cell doors of penitentiaries and mental institutions would fly open. And out would come all of our old friends. The ones who?ve been away. At camp. Serial killers, mass murderers, felony rapists, armed robbers, car-jackers, home invaders, thieves, burglers, kid-nappers, sadists, pedophiles, sexual predators, pimps, pushers, pornographers, speed-freaks, crackheads, sick junkies, *all* the ethnic street gangs: black, Spanish and Asian gangs, Japanese Yakuza, Russian maffia, neo-nazis, white supremesists, the Sicilian hitmen, Italian mobsters, Jamaican and Columbian drug gangs. And those are just the ones we *caught*. Let?s not forget their counterparts still on the outside right now, waiting to hook up with their prison buddies, so they can start a new organization ? The American Federation of Sociopaths. Just what the country needs. Another special interest group. Eight to ten million of them there would be, counting all the parolees and all the probationers and the ones that never been caught. Eight to ten million bitter, angry, violent, sexually hyperactive alpha-males with nothing to do. No hobbies, no medications, no scruples. Just a bunch of bad guys looking for a good time. Maybe tropping by your house. Hi, hope we?re not intruding. Got any beer. Oh good, I got about 1400 really thirsty guys here. How about women, got any women? Just your wife, huh? Well, I think we could make that work. Now boys, there?s a lady here, so I want you to mind your manners, and wait your turn. Police wouldn?t help you, they would be gone at the first sign of trouble. They would be home protecting their own families. So would the army and the National Guard. You?d be alone. You?d be on your own. You?d be SOL and JWF. Shit Out of Luck and Jolly Well Fucked. Shit Out of Luck and Jolly Well Fucked. After a couple of years living like that beheadings would be the least of your problems. People would be lining up to be beheaded.
So let?s get back to suicide which now seems like a reasonable alternative. Suicide is an interesting topic to me, because it?s an inherently interesting decision. To decide voluntarily not to exist anymore. It?s profound. You know what it is, it?s the ultimate makeover. That?s why I think it belongs on television. In this depraved culture we live in, with all of these reality shows, suicide and television would be a natural. I bet you could have an All-Suicide Channel on cable TV. I?ll bet you. Shit, they?ve got All-Golf. What the fuck? God damn. Jesus.
You ever watch golf? It?s like watching flies fuck. If you can get a bunch of brainless assholes? assent on to waste their Sunday afternoon on that kind of shit, you *know* you can get some people watching some suicides. All day long, 24 hours a day, nothing but suicides. Must-Die TV. You would get a lot of people watching that shit. You would get a lot of people volunteering to be on there, too. So, just that their friends could see them on TV. People are fucking goofy. You would get a lot of volunteers. You would get all of them left-over assholes from ?Let?s make a deal?. They would be lining around the block, pushing each other out the way, pushing on funny capes, caps and hamp hats, making up on calling themselves Captain Suicide. Guys would be competing for Most Unusual Method. People would be jumping off silos, lighting themselves on fire, putting rat poison on the taco, drinking moppin glow , sticking mothballs up their ass. You would probably have some weird fuck show up who would figure on trying to kill himself with dental flauce and a Stinger missle. People are fucking goofy.
I bet you can find you a married couple. In this country, shit, I?ll bet you. You can find a married couple in one of them trailor parks or something, who would be perfectly willing to sit in a love seat and blow each others heads off with shotguns, while a love song is playing. People are fucking nuts. This country is full of nitwits and assholes, did you ever notice that? Nitwits, assholes, fuck-ups, scumbags, jerk-offs and dipshits. And they all vote. They all vote and, in fact, sometimes you get the impression they?re the *only* ones who vote. You can usually tell who?s been doing the voting by looking at the fucking electoral returns. I sure wouldn?t be going out and wasting my time with a meaningless activity like that. You know all those people on the Jerry Springer show? Those are the average Americans. Believe me, below average can?t get on the show. Can?t get on. Below average are sitting home watching that shit on TV. Getting ready to go out and vote. Filling out their sample ballot. People are fucking dumb.
You can say what you want about this country and I love this place. I love the freedoms we used to have. I love that. I love it when it didn?t take a fucking catastrophy to get us to care for one another. I love the fact that we?re on camera all the time, from all angles. But you know, you can say what you want about America and I say I love this place. I wouldn?t have it any other way, live in any other time in history or any other place. BUT! Say what you want about America, land of the free, home of the brave, we?ve got some dumb-ass motherfuckers floating around in this country. *Dumb-ass motherfuckers*.
Now, obviously that doesn?t include this audience. I understand that. You seem intelligent and perceptive. But the rest of them, holy jumping fucking shit balls. Dumber than a second coat of paint. And this isn?t just ranting and raving. This isn?t just blowing off steam. I?ve got a little evidence to support my claim. It just seems to me, *seems* to me, that only a really low IQ population could have taken this beautiful continent, this magnificent American landscape that we inherited. Well actually we stole it from the Mexicans and the Indians, but hey, it was nice when we stole it. Looked pretty good, it was pristine. Paradise. Have you seen it lately? Have you taken a good look at it lately? It?s fucking embarrasing. Only a nation of unenlightened half-wits could have taken this beautiful place and turned it into what it is today ? a shopping mall. A big fucking shopping mall. You know that, that?s all you?ve got here, folks. Mile after mile after mile of malls after malls. Many, many malls. Major malls and mini malls. They put the mini malls in between the major malls, and in between the mini malls, they put the mini marts. And in between the mini marts, you got the car lots, gas stations, muffler shops, laundry mats, cheap motels, fast food joints, strip clubs and dirty bookstores. America the beautiful. One big transcontinental commercial cesspool. And how do the people feel about all this? How do people feel about living in a coast to coast shopping mall? Well they think it?s JUST FUCKING DANDY!
They think it is as cool as can be, because Americans love the mall. That?s where they get to satisfy their two most prominent addictions, at the same time ? shopping and eating. Millions of semi-conscious Americans, day after day, shuffling through the malls, shopping and eating. Especially eating. Americans *love* to eat. They are fatally attracted to the slow death of fast food. Hot dogs, corn dogs, triple-baconed cheese-burgers, deep fried butter-dipped pork, fat and cheese-whiz mayonnaise, soak-barbequed mozarella patty mouths. Americans will eat anything. Anything! If you were selling sortayed raccoon?s assholes on a stick, Americans would buy them and eat them. Especially if you dipped them in butter and put a little salt on them. This country is big time pig-time. Forget the bald eagle. You know what the national emblem of this country ought to be? A big bowl of macaroni and cheese. A big bowl, because everything in this country is king-sized, extra-large and super-jumbo.
Especially the fucking people. Have you seen some of the people of this country? Have you taken a good look at some of these big fat motherfuckers walking around, big fat motherfuckers. Oh my god, huge piles of redundant protoplasm, lumbering through the malls, like a fleet of interstate buses. The people in this country are immense. Massive bellies. Monstreous thighs. And big fat fucking asses. And if you stand there a minute and look at one of them, you begin to wonder: how does this woman take shit. How does she shit? And even more frightening: how does she wipe her ass? Can she even locate her asshole? She must require assistance. Are paramedics trained in this field? And standing right next to her, of course, with a plate full of nachos, a mouth full of pies, her clueless fucking husband Joe Sixpack, with his montreous swallen beer belly hanging dangerously out over his beer belt buckle. This guy hasn?t seen his dick since the Nixon administration. And if you stand there and look at the two of them you begin to wonder to yourself: do these people fuck? Is this man actually capable of fucking this woman? It doesn?t seem structurally possible that these two people could achieve penetration. Maybe they?re in that Cirque du Soleil or something.
I?m telling you, the people in this country, every one of them, is fifty pounds over-weight. They are gargantuan. And in the summer time, God help us, in the summer time they all want to wear short pants. Jesus Lord, protector of all that is good and holy, deliver me from fat people their short pants. They?ve all got short pants, big bellies, fat thighs and dumb kids. Short pants, big bellies, fat thighs and dumb kids. Every one of them has two dumb ass kids with them. And the whole family is wearing T-shirts, and every one of them has got the same T-shirt: ?I?m with stupid?. Apparently, in this country, the Stupids are an extended family. And besides wearing them T-shirts, every one of them families have got on a backpack, strapped to their back, so that they could carry around lots of stupid shit. And the reason they need to carry their stupid shit strapped to their backs is because their hands must remain free at all times to hold food. And to get that food up to the mouth where it gets shoveled in with all the rest of the disgusting shit they ate that day. And another reason for the backpacks is these people are going to buy even more stupid shit. They haven?t got enough stupid shit at home, they just had a stupid shit sale and they are going to buy more.They are going to go out in the parking lot and stuff this stuff into their big fat ugly oversized SUV, that?s got plenty of room in it for stupid shit and lots of room left over for these big fat ugly motherfuckers to get them home. Stopping of course for jelly roll and fried dough.
These people. These people are efficient professional compulsive consumers. They think of that as their national pride. It?s their civic duty. Consumption. It?s the new national pasttime. Fuck baseball, it?s consumption. The only true lasting American value that?s left. Buying things. People spending money they don?t have on things they don?t need. Money they don?t have on things they don?t need. So they can max out their credit cards and spend the rest of their lives paying 18% on something that only costs 12.50. And they didn?t like it when they got it home, anyway. Not too bright, folks, not too fucking bright.
But if you talk to one of them about this, if you isolate one of them, you sit him down, rationally, you talk to him about the low IQ?s and the dumb behaviour and the bad decisions, right away they start talking about education. That?s the big answer to everything. Education. They say we need more money for education, we need more books, more teachers, more classrooms, more schools, we need more testing for the kids. You say to one of them: well, you know, we?ve tried all of that and the kids still can?t pass the tests. Ah don?t you worry about that, we?re going to lower the passing grades. And that?s what they do in a lot of these schools, they lower the passing grades, so more kids can pass. More kids pass, the school looks good, everybody is happy, the IQ of the country slips another two or three points and pretty soon all you need to get into college is a fucking pencil. Got a pencil, get the fuck in there, it?s physics. Then everyone wonders why 17 other countries graduate more scientists than we do. Education! Politicians know that word. They use it on you. Politicians have traditionally hidden behind three things: the Flag, the Bible and Children. No child left behind! No child left behind! Oh really? It wasn?t long ago that you were talking about giving kids a head start. Head start? Left behind? Someone?s losing fucking ground here.
But there?s a reason. There?s a reason for this. There?s a reason education sucks and it?s the same reason why it will never ever ever ever be fixed. It?s never going to get any better, don?t look for it. Be happy with what you got. Because the owners of this country don?t want that. I?m talking about the real owners now. The big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions.
Forget the politicians. They are irrelevant. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don?t. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land. They own, and control the corporations. They?ve long since bought, and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pockets and they own all the big media companies, so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear. They?ve got you by the balls. They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying. Lobbying, to get what they want. Well, we know what they want. They want more for themselves and less for everybody else, but I?ll tell you what they don?t want. They don?t want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don?t want well-informed, well-educated people capable of critical thinking. They?re not interested in that. That doesn?t help them. That?s against their interests. That?s right. They don?t want people who are smart enough to sit around a kitchen table and think about how badly they?re getting fucked by a system that threw them overboard 30 fucking years ago. They don?t want that. You know what they want? They want obedient workers . Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. And just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime and the vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it, and now they?re coming for your Social Security money. They want your fucking retirement money. They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street, and you know something? They?ll get it. They?ll get it all from you sooner or later, because they own this fucking place. It?s a big club and you aren?t in it. You and I are not in The Big Club. By the way, it?s the same big club they use to beat you over the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe. All day long beating you over the head with their media telling you what to believe, what to think and what to buy. The table is tilted, folks. The game is rigged and nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. Good honest hard-working people ? white collar, blue collar ? it doesn?t matter what colour shirt you have on ? good honest hard-working people continue ? these are people of modest means ? continue to elect these rich cocksuckers who don?t give a fuck about them. They don?t give a fuck about you. They don?t give a fuck about you. They don?t care about you at all. At all. At all. And nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. That?s what the owners count on. The fact that Americans will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick that?s being jammed up their assholes every day, because the owners of this country know the truth. It?s called the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.
But say what you want about America, folks. You can say what you want about Americans, you can call them smart, dumb, ignorant, innocent, naive, gullible, easily mislead, whatever you want, you?re going to have to deal with them, because you?re in the television business now. You?ve got the All-Suicide Channel on cable TV. You need these people as viewers. You need people looking in. You have got to worry about your ratings, you are going to have to be thinking about sweeps months. Most folks know what sweeps months are, now those are the more important months of the year, when they put on all of their biggest attractions, their hottest stars, trying to pump the ratings up a little bit, try to get the lower stations to adjust their advertising rates. You are going to have to compete with the mentality of network television. And I think, on an All-Suicide Channel, during sweeps months, you are going to have to go with mass suicides. Big public events where hundreds of people kill themselves all at the same time, right on live TV. I?ve been wrestling with the way to do this. I?ve been trying to figure this out, now this is the truth. I swear, I?ve been trying to figure this part of it out for six months now, and I only recently have and I?m going to tell you about it. Now, we?re going to have to get lots and lots of people to kill themselves on demand. How are we going to do this? Asked that question. How are we going to get large numbers of people to commit suicide at a time and place of our choosing? And I mean *large* numbers, because don?t forget besides sweeps, we?re going to be have to be thinking about twenty four hour a day programming. So to make this work, we need organization, we need assistance. Can?t just sit around the studio all day long and wait for people to drop by and commit suicide. What we have to do is build up a large pool of hopeless people. Suicide volunteers, people with no hope, people whom society has given up on, fate has given up on or who have given up on themselves.
Rock bottom, dead-end, totally fucked up people with no hope and no reason to live. Now we?ve got our share of them, folks. Think of it as a pyramid. That will give you a visual fix on it. Think of it as a pyramid, the Pyramid of the Hopeless. We?re going to populate, we?re going to create this pool, like I say, to send volunteers over to the Suicide Channel. We are going to start building this pyramid in the very base, naturally. And the bottom layer is going to be homeless people. God knows, we?ve got plenty of them. Nobody gives a fuck about them, nobody has got a plan, nobody has got any money, nobody has got a program, nobody gives a fuck about homeless people. We don?t know how many we have even. We know 500 000 of them are veterans because we?re so good to the veterans in this country and we know about 1 400 000 of them are children. So we?ve got a million and a half children. And God knows how many more we?ve got. Totally fucking hopeless ? [fart sound] ? in the pyramid they go!
Now the next group we?re going to put in here, are the people in prison with these long sentences they?ve been given. Many of them deserved, I?ll grant you that, I?m sure half the people in prison are in there for things they really did. That?s not a bad average, one out of two. But, nobody gives a shit about these people, nobody is going to hire them if they do get out. They are never going to get out, rehabilitation doesn?t work and the judges give them these fucking draconian sentences 40-50-60-70-80-90-100-year-sentences, life-term, double-life. One guy, about a month ago, was given three consecutive life-terms plus two death penalties. How the fuck do you serve that? Even David Copperfield can?t do that shit. In order to do that, you would have to be a Hindu. Then you?ve got the people on death row, they aren?t going anywere. [fart sound] ? In the fucking pyramid they go!
Now the next layer, this group is self-selected. And a bit controversial to some years, I guess. These are these people who claim to be depressed. Okay? Apparently in this land of plenty, this richest nation in the history of world, we?re so proud of saying that, some supermarkets have a 100 000 items in them, we have 90 000 000 Americans claiming to be depressed. And some of them take medicine for it. Sometimes medicine makes one of them commit suicide and that depresses the shit out of the rest of them. Then you have these people who only think they?re depressed. They think they?re depressed because they saw the commercial on TV and the doctor looked like a good guy, the music sounded kind of peppy, and what the fuck, these pills will probably pick me right up. Totally fucking hopeless mindset ? [fart sound] ? in the fucking pyramid!
Up at the very top we?re going to put the people who are truly sick. The terminally ill, unfortunately no hope for a lot of them, hundreds of thousands of them. There?s no cure for what they have. There?s no cure because nobody is looking for one, there isn?t enough people sick with it so they haven?t got enough money for the fucking cure. Then there?s people for whom there?s a cure but they haven?t got the money for it. There are the other ones for whom there?s a cure they are too far gone. There are the others ones for whom there?s a cure but there?s no social means to get to it. So these people aren?t going anywhere. They should be allowed to commit suicide. Boom, in the fucking pyramid they go!
Now, think of what you?ve got here, folks. Think of yourself as the execute vice president of programming at the All-Suicide Channel. Think of what you have to work with in the Pyramid of the Hopeless. You have homeless, imprisoned, condemned, depressed and terminally ill people, and I?m going to bet you anything, in this depraved culture of ours, I?ll bet you anything, with the reality show mentality we have, on the All-Suicide Channel, *you could* get five hundred of these hopeless people to hold hands and jump into the Grand Canyon. I?ll fucking bet you. I?ll fucking bet you, you can get that done in this country right this now. I?ll bet you. For money, for money, for money. You have got to give them something. Oh shit, they?re Americans, they?re for sale, give them a little something. Americans will do anything, but you?ll have to give them a toaster, don?t you? Give them a little prize of some kind. Everyone wants a gizmo, give them a gizmo. Give them a cell-phone, give them a laptop. Give them a cell-phone that takes a picture of a laptop. Give them a laptop that takes a picture of the cellphone. Give them one of those three-wheeled vehicles. Give them an all-terrain vehicle. Give them riding lawn-mowers. Give them a snow-blower. Give them an out-door barbeque or a jet-ski. Give them one of those things they buy for themselves when they try to take their minds off of how badly they are getting fucked by the system. I know what you do, just before these people jump, you give them a hat with a camera in it. And you tell them it?s jump-cam. Tell them you?ll send the video home to the family. T-shirt! Who doesn?t want a T-shirt? Everybody does, give them a nice T-shirt. I committed suicide and all I got was this stupid T-shirt.
If you want to really raise the profile of this promotion, get some of those evangelical Christians to volunteer for it and you can call it: Jump For Jesus. Jump For Jesus. They would bite, they would go for it. Hey, you have got to be fair, got to be fair about these Christians. They come in for a lot of abuse these days. You do have to be fair, all the Christian really wants out of life, is to die and go see Jesus. Give them a helping hand. Do the Christian thing. Tell them it?s a shortcut to Heaven. Mention the word martyr, works on Muslims, works on the Catholics, it might work with these folks. You never know. Hey, I know, give them a little encouragement: ?Go on, you fanatical fuck, his down there. His down there. His down there. His at the bottom of the canyon. Look for the man with the glowing head.? Oh you?re going to have a lot of fun with a channel like that.
But you know what, folks, maybe you don?t want to be on cable. Maybe you don?t want to be on cable ? it?s a limited audience. You might want to widen out and get more people looking and you?re going to have to go to the broadcast networks. One of the big broadcast networks. And I don?t know about you but when I think about suicide and broadcast network televison, I?m thinking FOX. If the people at FOX aren?t sitting around having meetings on an idea like this, they aren?t doing their god damn jobs over there. You put this thing on television and put it on FOX. And if you do, get Budweiser to sponsor it. Budweiser and a whole bunch of car companies. So people would be thinking about drinking and driving at the same time. Isn?t that fun? Isn?t it fun to watch the commercials in between the sporting events on American Television? Drink this! Drive that! Fuck you! They don?t care. They don?t give a shit about you. And then every now and then they qualify the whole message: ?Drink responsibly!?
[long fart sound]
So you put this thing on FOX, and if you do, or any broadcast network, you?re going to have to bring in that younger audience. Everybody knows that. That?s what the advertisers are looking for, these 18-24-year-olds. You?re going to have to get young people interested in this. You know how you get young people interested in suicide? You don?t call it ?suicide?. You call it ?Extreme Living?! They would go for it. Listen, young people are attracted to suicide in the first place. Did you know suicide is the third leading cause of death between 15 and 24? It?s third. Ninth in the general population. That will give you an idea on how popular this after-school activity has become among our teenage folks. Especially these young boys, these adolescent males. A lot of them, you know. A lot of them.
They kill themselves while jerking off. They don?t mean to, it just happens. You know about that? Some of you know, I can tell. Lot of people don?t know about it, lot of people have never heard about it, it?s just one of those things Americans can?t handle. We cannot handle that, we don?t talk about that, it?s not on Larry King Live, it isn?t on Barbara Walters, I don?t see it in People magazine. But it?s out there, folks, it?s out there. And it?s extremely common. You just ask any teenage boy you know who trusts you. Ask him what he knows about or what he?s heard about cutting off your air supply just at the moment you?re about to have a sexual release. He?ll tell you an interesting story or two. The kids call it scarfing, because some of them use scarves to do it. Or scre the kids, just get on the Internet, do it yourself. Google in the words: ?Auto Erotic Aesphyxia?. It?s the practise of cutting off the oxygen to the brain at the last moment during masturbation in order to heighten the orgasm. And when I say common, a thousand kids a year die this kind of way. Okay? A thousand of them die. So think how many of them are trying to pull this off, if you pardon a little pun I?ve thrown in there. Just to lighten the mood. But here?s the way it works. Apparently, I never tried it, it sounded risky to me? Well, jerking off is all I need, you know what I mean, folks? I?m not trying to double my money, fuck that shit. I just jerk off, wipe off my chest, get up and go to work. Nothing fancy. Nothing fancy at our house, we?re simple folk. But here?s the way it?s *supposed* to work and this is why it?s such a big attraction in the first place. Apparently it is true, medically, physiologially speaking, that if you can cut off your air supply, the oxygen to your brain, just at the moment you?re about to have an orgasm, the orgasm is about, I don?t know, let?s say 500 times better, something like that. It?s incredibly intense. So what you?ve got to do is step on a chair or a bucket or some kind of thing. You put a rope around your neck and you start jerking off.
[vigorous imitative masturbation movements]
And while you?re pulling your pud, while you?re pulling your pud, you?ll have to arrange to almost strangle yourself just before you have an orgasm. And by the way, while all this activity is going on, you have to maintain a hard-on. Which isn?t easy, because you might just happen to be ready to buy the farm, so you better be fantasizing about someone you really like or some thing you really like, I don?t know what it might be, maybe you like to get fucked in the ass by the game warden, who knows, I?m not here to judge, we?re all different to each?s own.
So let?s recap. Stand on a chair, rope around your neck, Peter in your hand. Now you have to time it just right, so that just before you come, you almost die. And sometimes you miscalculate. You don?t know if you?re coming or going.
And the parents of these kids are too embarrassed to tell the police, so they put the kids dick away and say he had poor grades. His girlfriend left him. Oh, wow, no wonder, lady, look at his freaking hobbies. Then they blame it on heavy metal. I don?t know if you remember that, but from that old incident, some years back, Judas Priest, one of the head-banging bands, somebody played a song, and after that they killed themselves, so they blame suicide on heavy metal. If it?s murder, they tend to blame rap these days. But, it?s never the parents. Ever notice that? Parents, apparently, play no part in the development and outcomes of these kids. Parents. They can raise a kid apparently 11-12-13-14-15 years if he turns out fucked up, well they had nothing to do with that. It?s because of the boys that the kid hangs around with in the parking lot.
Parents have got to be among the most full of shit people in the world. They always have been. Top to bottom, front to back. In fairness, it comes with the job. If you want to be a parent, you have to be full of shit, at least half the time. Look at it this way, they have it both ways, if the kid turns out to be a loser, they had nothing to do with that, but, boy, if he?s a winner, got a scholarship or something like that, they?re the first ones out there raising their hands trying to get all the credit. It?s a nice state of mind if you can talk yourself into believing it.
But these are the kind of things I think about when I sitting at home alone, during an electrical strorm, waiting for the parole officer to give me a call. And these ideas, these ideas come floating into my head. Just floating right in, unbidden. I?m not asking for these things. I?m a vessel. I?m a mere vessel. In come these thoughts. And some of them are a little off-beat. I?m goint to grant you that.
I was thinking about these younger women, who got buried today. Did you ever think about them? *Probably not*. But I was thinking about these younger women who died three or four days ago, got buried today. And some of them had a bad heart, some of them a bad kidney, but a lot of them had perfectly good pussies. Good pussies, nice tits, reasonably tight assholes, going to waste! In the ground! It just seems a shame to me, that some fine young pussy should be rotting away six feet under. Because you?d think, you *would think*, in this era, that if you can donate a heart to someone who needs one, there ought to be a way to recycle some of these pussies. And give them to people who need them. Some old guy living up in the mountains. Wow? Holy shit, look at this fucking thing, this is great! Thank you very much, sir, thank you, I appreciate it, thank you, God bless you, you?re doing God?s work, I hope you know that. Hey this is better than Publisher?s Clearing House. Listen here, buddy, you haven?t got a red-headed one of these, by any chance? Nah, I didn?t think so, never did run into one of those myself. Thank you very much. Now listen, this is the real thing, isn?t it? This isn?t one of them storeboard pussies from your old bookstore? Huh, what?s that? Oh, okay. Hold on for just a second.
[takes a hard sniff and growls]
Jesus Christ on the cracker, that?s the real fucking thing. I recognise that son of a ***** anywhere. That straightened out my nose hairs. I better get this sucker home and get it in the refrigerator as quick as I can.
To Save A Pussy Foundation. Give the gift that keeps on giving. Fuck the whales. Save the pussies. But you wouldn?t want to save all of them. Not all of them. Some of them are worn out. You wouldn?t want one of those big old rubbery things, that isn?t no good. What you want is, you want yourself something nice and tight but flexible, maybe you?d have an age limit. Or a mileage check. You figure out the average length of the average dick, the average number of thurst per event, the average number of events per life time, you?ve got that lady?s mileage. And you women, I don?t want you to think we?re going to leave you without fun, we?re going to get you a nice set of cock and balls, okay? Will get you something nice, just after rigor mortis has set in. Tell the truth ladies, wouldn?t you like a nice set of cock and balls without all the bullshit that comes with them? Fucking A. We?ll get you something nice, you?ll keep it on the night stand. It?s real easy to find in the dark. And if your mother comes over, put a hat on it. Well somebody has got to think of these things and apparently I?ve been appointed. I was dancing with a woman and she told me she a had a yeast infection. I said, well bake me a fucking loaf of bread. A couple of corn muffins, a jelly donor, I don?t give a shit, I?m always on the market for quality baked goods. You couldn?t squeeze a birthday cake out of that by any chance, now could you? No I didn?t think so, honey, no pressure, no pressure at all. Why don?t you just turn over and get me a nice pineapple upside down cake? And a dozen oatmeal cookies. Skip the raisins. It?s nay on the raisins, aye?
I think it?s certainly apparent by now that one of the things I enjoy in life is excess. I like things that are excessive. I like excessive behavior, excessive language, excessive violence. It?s fun. It?s interesting. It?s exciting. I like it when nature is excessive. That?s why I like natural disasters. All these natural disasters that?ve been going on, I fucking love them. I can?t get enough of them. Ah, when nature?s going crazy, throwing things around, scaring people and destroying property, I?m a happy fucking guy. I?m a happy fucking guy. I look at it this way? For centuries now, man has done everything he can to destroy, defile, and interfere with nature: clear-cutting forests, strip-mining mountains, poisoning the atmosphere, over-fishing the oceans, polluting the rivers and lakes, destroying wetlands and aquifers, so when nature strikes back, and smacks me in the head and kicks me in the nuts, I enjoy that. I have absolutely no sympathy for human beings whatsoever. None. And no matter what kind of problem humans are facing, whether it?s natural or man-made, I always hope it gets worse. Don?t you? Don?t you? Don?t you have a part of you, a part of you that secretly hopes everything gets worse? When you see a big fire on TV, don?t you hope it spreads? Don?t you hope it gets completely out of control and burns down six counties? You don?t root for the firemen do you? I mean I don?t want them to get hurt or nothing, but I don?t want them to put out my fire. That?s my fire ? that?s nature showing off and having fun. I like fires. You know something else I like? Those spring floods in the Midwest! Aren?t they great? Like clockwork, spring floods in the Midwest. Now I?m starting to notice, I?m starting to catch on, that every year it?s the same story. Another flood, in the same place, with the same people, on the same river ? SAME FUCKING PEOPLE! And these people do not move, they will not fucking move! They repaint, put down new carpeting and wallpaper and they move right back into the same fucking house on the flood plain, next to the river, and then they wonder why grandma?s floating downstream with the parakeet on her head! Fourth time, again, fourth fucking time. There?s no learning curve with these people. It?s very hard to feel sorry for them. Every year ? same people, same rowboats! Out there paddling around, rescuing a chicken. What the fuck kind of a life is that? Well our kids love it here? Oh really, what do they got, gills? And while they?re showing all that action on the screen, the announcer?s saying to me: ?It?s been raining steadily for three months now, the ground can?t any more water, the river is cresting higher than it has it two centuries, the levees have washed away?? And I just hope it keeps raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining, and it rains steadily for five years, and then after that, for ten years it?s cloudy. With occasional showers. And the river never returns to its natural banks. It becomes a completely new river, and the borders of three states have to be changed, and all the maps and atlases have to be redrawn and reprinted, and no one?s couch ever completely dries out. For years and years, every time they sit down there?s always that little ?Squish?? ?Dan, Linda, come on in you guys, have a seat? ? ?Squish!? ?Squish!? I like that. I?m an interesting guy.
I always hope that no matter how small the original problem is, it?s gonna grow into bigger and bigger proportions and get completely out of control, and I?ll give you a concrete example. Let?s say a water main breaks in downtown Los Angeles and it floods an electrical substation, knocking out all the traffic lights and tying up the entire city and emergency vehicles can?t get through. And at the same time, one of those month-long global warming heat waves comes along, but there?s no air-conditioning, there?s no water for sanitation, so cholera, smallpox and dysentery break out and thousands of people start dying in the streets. But before they die, parasites eat their brains, and they go completely fucking crazy, and they storm the hospital, but the hospital can?t handle all the casualties, so these people rape all the nurses and set the hospital on fire. And the flames drive them even crazier, so they start stabbing social workers and garbage men. And a big wind comes along, and the entire city goes up in flames. And the people who are still healthy, they get mad at the sick people, and they start crucifying them, nailing them to crosses, trying on their underwear, shit like that. Then everybody smokes crack and PCP, and they march on city hall, where they burn the mayor at the stake, they strangle his wife and take turns sodomizing the statue of Larry Flint.
And at this point it looks like pretty soon things are going to start to get out of control.
So everyone panics and tries to leave the city at the same time, and they trample each other to death in the streets by the thousands and wild dogs eat their corpses. And the wild dogs chase the rest of the people down the highway and one by one the dogs pick off the old fucks and the slow people, because they?re in the fast lane where they don?t belong. Get the fuck out of the fast lane if you?re an old fuck, if you?re a slow fuck, get over on the right, get over on the right. And the lucky ones, the lucky people who manage to make it all the way to the outside of town, they discover when they get there, that big sparks from the city have lit the suburbs on fire. And the suburbs burn uncontrollably. And thousands of identical homes have identical fires with identical smoke, killing all the identical soccer mums and their identical kids named Jason and Jennifer. And now, the fire spreads to the farmlands and the farmlands burn intensely, at 425 degrees, creating millions of baked potatoes. As the farmlands burn, thousands of barns and farmhouses begin to explode from all the hidden methamphetamine labs. And the meth chemicals run downhill into the rivers and streams, where wild animals drink the water and get completely geeked on speed. So bears and wolves amped up on crack start roaming the countryside looking for people to eat, even though they?re not really hungry.
And the fire spreads to the forests and the forests burn furiously. And hundreds of elves and trolls and fairies come running out of the woods screaming, ?Bambie is dead! Bambie is dead!?
And he is, he is, finally that fucking little ****, Bambie is dead. Dead.
Now hundreds of regional fires come together into one huge interstate inferno. And all 12 of the Western United States are burning out of control, except Utah where the Mormons don?t allow fires. And the fire spreads across the Great Plains, toasting the wheat and cooking the cattle, producing hamburgers, actually. Then it leaps to Mississippi, and races through the south, blowing up stills, interrupting lynchings and killing millions of inbred people. And then it turns north-east and it heads to Washington DC, where George Bush can?t decide if it?s an emergency or not. He can?t decide because Dick Cheney is in prison. So, instead he takes a nap, he puts his empty fucking brainless head down on the little pillow that his mother gave him at Christmas time, and he takes a nap. So the fire moves to Philadelphia, but it?s a weekend, and Philadelphia?s closed on the weekends. So the fire moves to New York City and the people in New York tell the fire to go fuck itself. And it does, so instead it burns down Long Island and Connecticut, killing all the rich white assholes and completely destroying their evil faggoty golf courses. And while all this is going on, Canada burns to the ground, but nobody notices.
And now the entire North American continent is on fire, producing a huge thermal updraft, and creating an inseminary cyclonic macrosystem that forms a hemispheric mega-storm, breaking down the molecular structure of the atmosphere and actually changing the laws of nature. Fire and water combine, burning clouds of flaming rain fall upward, gamma rays and solar winds ignite the ionosphere, creating huge clouds of ionized plasma, bolts of lighting twenty million miles long begin shooting out of the north pole, and the sky fills up with *green* shit. And then suddenly, the entire fabric of space-time splits in two, a huge crack in the universe opens. And all the dead people from the past begin falling through. Babe Ruth, Groucho Marks, Davy Crocket, Tiny Tim, Porky
