Total mind screw (Girl problem)

[Flamezdudes]

This can get a bit complicated so please bear with me.

WALL OF TEXT:

So, about 4 weeks ago a girl I like told me that she wanted to start going out, but to take things slowly since she is quite shy in relationships, obviously I was happy at this outcome and said yes.
At the end of that week, in a very confusing manner she explained to me that she didn't want to carry things on because she felt pressured and stressed about it among other things at the moment and because she didn't feel ready for a relationship.

Then, exactly one week later she says she wants to go again because she doesn't want to lose me due to "stupid random things which may not even apply later." and because she was feeling bad at the time and yet she still says she's still not really ready though.
(Note: She gets stressed and unhappy easily. She has a few emotional issues which I won't delve into here.)
And now, a few days ago on Monday (So a week and bit after she wanted to keep going) she says she wants to stop because she gets freaked out when thinking about a relationship with someone, she feels afraid of it. She even knows what she's doing to me is horrible and tells me that she's been really unfair to me, that I deserve better and she feels guilty, horrible etc

Now I just totally feel like shit and don't know what to do. The first time she did this I felt pretty shitty, now I feel the same but just more angry and pissed off than anything that she could do this to me and fuck around with my emotions. I mean, if she tries to come try again i'm definatly going to say no to her but explain to her that unless she's going to be committed then it's staying a no.

But I just don't understand, whether I should just ignore her now or something...
I think this might be all due to what happened with her ex anyway and it really irritates me when I see him now, especially since he was sitting with her and her friends at their table today in school.

I feel like i've just been treated like shit, this happened the last time I really liked someone, they dropped me off within a week or so with some excuses. Should I ask in detail why she's doing this without the excuses which she's using like the obvious "it's not you" and just explain whats wrong...

Sorry for the wall of text. To those who read through all this and give a reply, thank you and I really appreciate it.

 

[Flamezdudes]

Strange, this isn't appearing on the thread list.

 

[Erana]

Strange, this isn't appearing on the thread list.

The website can sometimes not refresh the list if you just hit the back button.

Still, she has some issues, its obvious. I understand you like her, but if she's going to be weird and insensitive, don't let her get to you. If she asks for another go, if I were in your shoes, I'd deny her the relationship, but offer to support her in figuring out her issues as long as she's going to commit to getting better.
Of course, this is going on assumptions made based just on the OP. What it sounds to me is that she has self-esteem issues partly manifesting in her quitting anything if she finds it scary or hard. If she continues this way and doesn't respond to firm-handed support, then I fear she could be the kind to drag others with her in a self-fulfilling prophecy of her perceived selfishness.

 

[Flamezdudes]

Strange, this isn't appearing on the thread list.

The website can sometimes not refresh the list if you just hit the back button.

Still, she has some issues, its obvious. I understand you like her, but if she's going to be weird and insensitive, don't let her get to you. If she asks for another go, if I were in your shoes, I'd deny her the relationship, but offer to support her in figuring out her issues as long as she's going to commit to getting better.
Of course, this is going on assumptions made based just on the OP. What it sounds to me is that she has self-esteem issues partly manifesting in her quitting anything if she finds it scary or hard. If she continues this way and doesn't respond to firm-handed support, then I fear she could be the kind to drag others with her in a self-fulfilling prophecy of her perceived selfishness.

She even said that she knows its selfish of her to do this. She knows what she is doing is bad and just doesn't seem to be willing to try.

 

[artanis_neravar]

The best thing I could come up with is see if she will talk about it, explain what's going through her head. Other then that, for your sanity, you might want to move on (not necessarily ignore her but work on getting over her)

 

[Erana]

Strange, this isn't appearing on the thread list.

The website can sometimes not refresh the list if you just hit the back button.

Still, she has some issues, its obvious. I understand you like her, but if she's going to be weird and insensitive, don't let her get to you. If she asks for another go, if I were in your shoes, I'd deny her the relationship, but offer to support her in figuring out her issues as long as she's going to commit to getting better.
Of course, this is going on assumptions made based just on the OP. What it sounds to me is that she has self-esteem issues partly manifesting in her quitting anything if she finds it scary or hard. If she continues this way and doesn't respond to firm-handed support, then I fear she could be the kind to drag others with her in a self-fulfilling prophecy of her perceived selfishness.

She even said that she knows its selfish of her to do this. She knows what she is doing is bad and just doesn't seem to be willing to try.

She's convinced she's doomed to failure, it seems. Any clue on who did this to her? Proving that said person/ people aren't right can really help a person like this.

 

[Flamezdudes]

Strange, this isn't appearing on the thread list.

The website can sometimes not refresh the list if you just hit the back button.

Still, she has some issues, its obvious. I understand you like her, but if she's going to be weird and insensitive, don't let her get to you. If she asks for another go, if I were in your shoes, I'd deny her the relationship, but offer to support her in figuring out her issues as long as she's going to commit to getting better.
Of course, this is going on assumptions made based just on the OP. What it sounds to me is that she has self-esteem issues partly manifesting in her quitting anything if she finds it scary or hard. If she continues this way and doesn't respond to firm-handed support, then I fear she could be the kind to drag others with her in a self-fulfilling prophecy of her perceived selfishness.

She even said that she knows its selfish of her to do this. She knows what she is doing is bad and just doesn't seem to be willing to try.

She's convinced she's doomed to failure, it seems. Any clue on who did this to her? Proving that said person/ people aren't right can really help a person like this.

Who knows? It could just be her personality, she has some family problems and there were some problems with her ex since she said she loved him and eventually he just treated her like shit and was moody all the time. This ex of hers used to be one of my best mates also...

 

[Ladette]

I went through a phase like that. Only I was so afraid of commitment that I didn't get close to anyone. My ex broke my heart and just tore me apart emotionally, and I was head over heels in love with her right up until she did it. I can't speak for your friends emotional stability, but my guess would be that someone hurt her bad.

If she's going through what I did then she's so afraid of being hurt again that she isn't willing to let anything go to far. She doesn't mean to hurt you, she's just got a mental block preventing her from letting anyone get close.

If she tries to start the relationship up again tell her that you can't handle the emotional roller coaster, but that you're there for her. I don't know her, so I can't tell how she'd react, but i'd ask her what's got her so afraid and if you can help. The constant stopping and starting relationship thing may be a cry for help.

I ended up suffering in silence for 6 months because I was afraid to ask anyone for help because that would hurt my pride. I didn't get over it until my best friend refused to leave me alone until I told her what was wrong.

 

[Zantos]

Just be there for her. If stuff's going on and she's having trouble sorting things out for herself the best thing she needs is for you to be her friend and be there for her.

Don't go for the whole "I wanna get together. Actually I don't. Now I do" (paraphrased) routine though. Just tell her she's done that twice and you're not ready to trust her with that again. Maybe sometime in the future when you can support a mature relationship, but not now.

 

[Mr S]

Try to be understanding and find out what is bothering her and if there is anything you can do to help her.
I hope it'll turn out well. Good luck.

 

[TonyVonTonyus]

Either try to undertand the problem passed being stressed out in a relationship or just end it yourself. I mean if she hurts you why would you want to be with her?

 

[zombiesinc]

Now I just totally feel like shit and don't know what to do. The first time she did this I felt pretty shitty, now I feel the same but just more angry and pissed off than anything that she could do this to me and fuck around with my emotions. I mean, if she tries to come try again i'm definatly going to say no to her but explain to her that unless she's going to be committed then it's staying a no.

It's obvious she's got some personal issues, ones that she needs to sort out herself. Although it was wrong of her to go back and forth with you, you've got to realize she wasn't intentionally trying to hurt you. She was likely trying to push herself past whatever it is she's really struggling with, but after doing so, she must have realized she simply wasn't ready for a relationship. Whether this is due to her last relationship, or things beyond that, doesn't concern you. She simply needs to get through this herself.

But I just don't understand, whether I should just ignore her now or something...
I think this might be all due to what happened with her ex anyway and it really irritates me when I see him now, especially since he was sitting with her and her friends at their table today in school.

You don't have to ignore her, but you certainly shouldn't allow her to go back and forth with you. You don't need to be harsh towards her, but be sure to explain that until she's sure she wants to date you, it's not fair for her to change her mind so much. What both of you need to keep in mind is that if you two truly do like one another, it's very likely you'll be together at some point. If time passes, and those feelings dissipate, then that's all there is to it. It doesn't mean either of you were somehow in the wrong, or that she messed things up by not pushing herself, it simply means you two didn't like each other as much as you originally thought. It happens, to everyone.

As for her ex, again, something she needs to sort out for herself. If he did have something to do with the things she's currently struggling with, and she still chooses to hang out with him, that's her choice. It's also possible he didn't really have anything to do with this, or even that she still has some feelings for him. Ultimately, it doesn't concern you. If she wants to sort out that situation (if there is one) that's her choice and responsibility.

I feel like i've just been treated like shit, this happened the last time I really liked someone, they dropped me off within a week or so with some excuses. Should I ask in detail why she's doing this without the excuses which she's using like the obvious "it's not you" and just explain whats wrong...

You have been treated poorly, but keep in mind that it's very unlikely she did any of this with the sole intention of causing you pain. It happening in the past means that you've had some bad luck when it comes to dating others, that's all. Again, this happens to all of us at one point or another. People treating you like shit doesn't automatically mean you've done something wrong, or you're a bad person. Be sure to keep in mind that shit happens, and people make mistakes or do mean things. It's not something you can carry with you, hold against yourself and allow to bring yourself down.

If you'd really like to talk to her about whatever she's dealing with, you can try. But keep in mind that you have no right to know, regardless of how she's been treating you, and that she simply may not want support. This is another thing you cannot allow yourself to take personally. Ultimately this entire situation is something she needs to decide to deal with, or not. If she wants to work through it, good for her. If not, it's a shame, but it is her life.

Sorry for the wall of text. To those who read through all this and give a reply, thank you and I really appreciate it.

There's no need to apologize.

 

[punksnotdead]

Maybe her ex is sleeping with her?
Also: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eeWjzBHUdsI
and: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kenF3_77774
Sorry, had to. I got a thing with posting music related to the topic.

 

[MaxwellEdison]

You said she had emotional issues. There's the answer.
Perhaps, instead of asking total strangers about what's going on in your relationship, you should talk to her.

 

[drummond13]

Is this a recent ex she's hanging out with? If so, you may very well be the rebound guy, which does suck. Either way, most girls don't hang out with their exes.

Regardless, you can't let a girl, ANY girl, dictate every aspect of your relationship with her. She said she wants to date you, and you say okay. Then she breaks it off, and you're hurt but say okay to that too. Then she wants to date you again, and you say okay again. Basically what you're telling her is that she can walk all over you and you'll still be their for her. While she's being very uncool (it sounds like) girls do not find this stance attractive. They like guys who are a challenge to get and know their own worth, not guys who they can just take whenever they feel like it.

If she asks to date you again, tell her no. Do so kindly, but firmly, and with confidence. Tell her you like her, but you can't keep being tossed aside every other week; that it's kind of ridiculous and you want to date someone who knows what they want out of a relationship. Don't emote any resentment or bitterness during any of this. Believe it or not, this will make you far more desirable to her. I'm not saying this will work out (she doesn't sound even remotely worth pursuing, to be frank) but this is the kind of attitude you need to start taking up. For self-respect, if nothing else.

 

[EmzOLV]

You don't have to ignore her, but you certainly shouldn't allow her to go back and forth with you. You don't need to be harsh towards her, but be sure to explain that until she's sure she wants to date you, it's not fair for her to change her mind so much. What both of you need to keep in mind is that if you two truly do like one another, it's very likely you'll be together at some point. If time passes, and those feelings dissipate, then that's all there is to it. It doesn't mean either of you were somehow in the wrong, or that she messed things up by not pushing herself, it simply means you two didn't like each other as much as you originally thought. It happens, to everyone.

This is pretty much exactly what I was going to say!
It's difficult - I've been in a situation with a girl who was very similar, she found it really strange to be with someone, and although on one day she would feel happy and comfortable, the next day she would be like "agh, this is so much in my mind it feels so massive" and she would totally freak out.

To be fair, I got bored of it after a while, despite how much I liked her. It was a bit of a shame, she was such a sweet girl at heart but it was pretty obvious to most people that her family history made it hard for her in her head to understand getting close to people.

I'm sure she cared a lot, but yeah. It wouldn't have worked out in my case.
Anyway, just have your own limits, if you're happy to have an on/off relationship and perhaps you know, be comfortable with that or it develops to be on for longer, then that's your choice, but just remember to look out for number 1 as well, and don't get wrapped up in something that keeps messing you around emotionally.

 

[SiskoBlue]

Sounds like it really is "Not you, it's me". She decided to date you, then decided not to, then so on. Basically it seems this entire relationship and it's consequences are being played out in her head and it literally has very little to do with you, or who you are.

I get the distinct impression you're going along for the ride (and why wouldn't you) but it seems you're just a foil, model, target, for whatever emotional fantasy she's playing out in her head. So basically there's three people in this relationship. You, her, and the version of you she's projecting her emotional problems on to at any given moment, which is the one she's actually dating.

I'm guessing you're all young? It all sounds like emotional teething to me. Some teenagers/young adults, both boys and girls, play out various dramas and situations almost testing to see what will happen.

You sound fairly well adjusted. I'd avoid dating her because it seems you don't really have any control over this relationship. You're being yourself and she wants to date you. You continue being yourself and suddenly it's freaking her out. You're being yourself and she feels she's been unfair. Can you see a pattern here? You're remaining consistent but she's not, and therefore changes in her attitude and behaviour are down to her, not you. So don't batter your ego when she rejects you, but then again don't get too inflated when she's in to you.

I'd avoid her completely. People like this are like mini-tornados. There's always SOME kind of drama, it's never caused by you, yet somehow you eventually get swept up in it and usually dumped randomly miles from where you were.

Good luck.

 

[Flamezdudes]

Is it ok if I just tell her straight up that unless she's committed to dating me, then I don't want her messing me around? And is it ok if I ask why she's afraid of having a relationship too?

Thanks for all these replies everyone, I really appreciate it.

 

[AnkaraTheFallen]

Is it ok if I just tell her straight up that unless she's committed to dating me, then I don't want her messing me around? And is it ok if I ask why she's afraid of having a relationship too?

Thanks for all these replies everyone, I really appreciate it.

As you said, she may have various 'issues' as well, if you so like her and want to go out, then you will need to be there for her and be prepared for her to be like this at times. You probably should ask what's making her like this, but don't push the subject if she doesn't want to talk about it. Other than that, just try to be there for her if she needs someone to talk to about things for a while.

It might sound horrible but maybe you should try to hold of having a relationship for a while till she's gotten past whatever she seems to be going through right now.

Best of luck with this, and sorry if I haven't been much help.