Trying not to kill my parents. Again.

[RootbeerJello]

In the time I've spent in this fine community, I've made one, maybe two threads about my parents generally sucking. Maybe some of you saw them, I dunno. The thing is, I'm really mad at my parents right now, and I've been harboring some major hostility towards my parents for the past week, and it's not because of anything they've done recently. It's more like I'm just fully realizing this massive list of things they've done through my whole earlier childhood that make me wish I could do it over.

WARNING: WALL OF TEXT BEGINS HERE

I drum in my school band, and I drum in the jazz band. In jazz band, I'm in regular contact with a few kids that seem like musical geniuses to me. This is partly because I can't play a real instrument. I started drumming when my dad bought a set for himself. At the time, I was learning guitar, but I started to get really good at drums really fast. I asked my parents if I could switch to drum lessons. They flat-out said no, for some reason or another. So I got drum lessons from my guitar teacher without telling them. When I think about how far I've come, a part of me has to focus on the fact that I couldn't have gotten there without ignoring my parents. But this isn't even the whole problem. I'm good at drumming, but I'm not satisfied with drums as an instrument. I see these kids in jazz band, and they're improvising, songwriting, multi-instrumental prodigies, and I wish I could be like that. But they've all been learning instruments since starting band in fifth grade, or earlier, and it seems like music is just natural to them. In fifth grade, I asked my parents if I could play bass in the school band. I was denied, and I doubt I'll ever learn why. This year, I'm learning tenor sax (again after ignoring my parents), but I know I'll never be as good as the others. I'm terrified it's too late to make it as natural as it is for them, and I feel like I could've been that good if my parents had let me. And the more I think about it, I see more examples of my parents stopping me from doing things that I can only seeing making me a better person. I took karate classes until my black belt, and then my parents told me I couldn't keep going because I'd have to take more classes per week. This is absolutely untrue, and since then there hasn't really been a sport or physical activity that I like anywhere near as much. My parents told me my friends are no good, and years later I still know they're wrong. I asked my parents if I could take fencing lessons, and they made me do lacrosse instead, which they tried to convince was more important than my grades. I quit, against their will, and my grades have vastly improved. When I look at these things, I think about how different I could've been if my parents had allowed me to do the things I wanted, and I only see how they could have improved me as a person. Now, most cases of bad parenting seem to be an extreme tough love sort of thing, but I don't see how my parents honestly thought they could have been keeping me out of band for my own good. It feels like they've been intentionally holding me back. Maybe this rant doesn't have a point, but I needed to get it off my chest, and I need advice on making my own decisions. Thank you for reading.

 

[Nolan Harris]

Yeah. I hate it when parents don't give reasons for anything. I'm having troubles with my Dad for this reason. Though he isn't a bad person, sometimes, he just does things that are totally unfair. He's also always playing the blame game too. Nothing is ever his fault.

 

[Erana]

No parents are perfect, and at least you are more than provided for.
This isn't to say that a parents' imperfections can't get to their offspring.

Honestly, it sounds like the best thing you can do is just deal with their behavior as best as you can, and start looking for ways to deal with the emotional baggage this exertion of control leaves one with.
How are you, emotionally?

 

[Neo10101]

Its very possible that they may have been trying to run your life a specific way because they wanted something like what they are trying to do to you for themselves. A lot of parents do this to their kids. You have to sit down and tell them that even though you are their child that you have to make decisions for yourself and that everyone is different and there are going to be some things that you like to do that they don't or even hate to do.

 

[MaxwellEdison]

First off, on improvising with instruments- drum solos. They are awesome.
Second, don't think you'll never be that good. Worst case if you continue trying? You'll be an old person who fucking loves to rock out on the sax, which, really, is the best type of old person to be.
On to the non-musical topic...
Honestly, I'd suggest keeping up with what you're doing now. You won't have too much time with your parents, and being as independent as you are currently will probably help you once you make it out on your own.

 

[Zantos]

Maybe there's an underlying factor. My parents stopped me doing things for years with no reason, turns out it was because we really just couldn't afford for me to take lessons in things.

There is always the chance however, that rather than doing the good parenting thing that mine have now adopted of "Oh how wonderful, he's doing far better than I could at his age, let's support him" they're just jealous that they didn't have the hobbies when they were young and can't stand you doing that.

If it's the former then, well, it blows to not be able to afford stuff, but that's the way it is unless you can support it yourself. If however, as seems more likely, it's the latter then they're just being ridiculous. Let them know that it's something you really enjoy and want to do more of. Don't get into a fight, parents have an automatic win card in any fight, just discuss with them about it, see if you can ween out any reason why they don't want you to do it. They might have, in their eyes, a very good explanation as to why they don't want you doing all these things. Just talk to them. Also, if you can, try and get them individually.

 

[SiskoBlue]

Parents are people too. And like most people they don't really know what the right thing is to do so they guess. I have no idea why your parents would try to dissuade you from the things you ask to do. The only thing I can think is that they think everyone of them is just some fad you'll grow out of and they'll get saddled with the now redundant drum kit, kick bag, fencing foils. My wife's parents seemed to take this approach with my wife. Don't start something unless you intend to finish it. So they wouldn't let her start things.

But you got a black belt. And you're playing in bands. It's not like you're a quitter, or some kind of fad junkie. I would have thought that's enough to prove you make sensible decisions. Also, that approach doesn't work because my wife DOES start loads of stuff and never finishes so it's not like they cured her of it.

But as someone said, maybe they can't afford it. Picking something that you can do without requiring much from them is a good idea. Saxophones are expensive. Is the fencing stuff close by? Is it expensive? They may have suggested lacrosse because being at school means the cost is mostly covered and they don't have to drive around everywhere for you.

That might seem selfish on their part but if they both work full-time, take care of and clean the house, feed and clothe their kids and on top of that are expected to provide money and driving time for extra curricular activities they might be asking for a compromise. Yes you can do stuff but consider what it costs them in terms of time and money. It might cost them nothing and they're being jerks about it but consider it.

Also there might be other factors involved. Maybe they found out the karate teacher is on a sex offenders list. Doubtful, I know but there's a million reasons why you might be concerned about your child doing something. i.e. like hanging out with dodgey friends who you don't think are dodgey.

But the truth of it is this. All children have to ignore their parents at some point. You are not your parents, and as much as they might think they're protecting you, or helping you, there are things you have do and learn for yourself. As long as you keep proving your trustworthy in you judgements they'll come around (hopefully).

And don't sweat about what others have and whether they seem to ahead of you. There's plenty of child prodigies out there who became nothing. And look at the stories of greatest musicians and you'll see it doesn't matter how or when you start but how persistent and dedicated you are.

Good luck.

 

[SilentCom]

It's hard to tell why your parents were denying you various musical instruments or sports. They may or may not have good reasons but regardless, they probably should have been more honest with you as to why. As previous people have posted and by personal experience, parents aren't perfect. They are people who have the task of raising you to their best ability. Unfortunately, parenting does not have an instruction manual (at least none that really work for everyone).