Twilight (Movie Review)

[tooktook]

Note: I watched Twilight so you don't have to!

Twilight​

Agony. This one word effectively sums up Twilight without exaggeration. More of an endurance test than an actual film, Twilight fails to impress on any level.

I?ve never read Stephanie Meyer?s novels about the love between a human girl and a vampire boy, largely because my imagining of a vampire involves the creature bursting into flames in sunlight and not sparkling as if a barrel of glitter had just been dumped on them. Vampires are supposed to be soulless nocturnal beasts that prey on the harmless and stupid humans of the world, not vegetarian pussies who play baseball in the rain or hop around the treetops. I thought that was the allure of vampires for sexually frustrated females in the first place? That they are tortured and misunderstood shells that would just as easily rip out your jugular as they would write you angsty poetry in eyeliner and brood over you for eternity. You remove that, and they become miserable sad sacks with the compelling force of a fridge-magnet. Thus the chief failing of Meyer?s vampires is that they are not badass and ethereal, just wimpy and pathetic.

Seventeen year old Isabella Swan moved from Arizona to the shady and sleepy little town of Forks Washington, possibly because of her inability to tan well. Here, she meets the Cullens, a clan of covert vampires of similar complexion who remain isolated from the community. Not for any particularly sinister reason though, it?s just the way they are. About an hour and a half of atrocious dialogue later, Isabella becomes the target of a rogue pair of vampires named James and Victoria who become terribly bored with un-life and decide to try and murder Isabella because? I don?t know. Maybe they like a challenge? The narrative, much like everything else about the film, isn?t handled very well................

Would you mind telling me a few of your favourite movies to put things in perspective?

 

[tiredinnuendo]

People in this thread seem to be confused. I will help you.

First, there was an individual in this thread who listed "30 Days of Night" and "Blade 2" as examples of "real" vampires, with the implication being that these movies were decent, and perhaps worth the film they were burned onto.

They were not. Especially 30 Days of Night. Blade 2 gets a partial pass for being a sequel, and you can't expect those to meet the same standards as "firsts in a series". 30 Days of Night, however, was about "vampires" who spent the whole movie making bird noises. Perhaps I would've liked it better if the lead bad guy hadn't spent the whole film looking mildly surprised by everything due to his fake fangs not fitting in his mouth properly.

Secondly, Twilight is nothing new. Ten years ago it was called The Vampire Diaries. Twenty years ago it was called The Vampire Chronicles. They've always been basically the same idea, and they've always been terrible books written for women who don't really understand how men or relationships work. It's a cycle. Just ride it out.

- J

 

[Maet]

Would you mind telling me a few of your favourite movies to put things in perspective?

I don't see what it has to anything, but fine:

-Most James Bond movies
-Pixar movies
-Iron Man stands as one of my favourite movies of 2008 (head and shoulders above The Dark Knight)
-I have a soft spot for musicals, notably My Fair Lady (1964) and Jesus Christ Superstar (1971)
-Patton (1970)
-Lawrence of Arabia (1962)

I guess you see where I'm going with this.

 

[Cahlee]

I read the first book and wasn't impressed, I didnt hate it but it was sub-par. Pattisons acting is supposed to hilarious, that's what I'm going to the movie for.

 

[BlueInkAlchemist]

I have one recommendation for all y'all:

Twilight in 15 Minutes [http://community.livejournal.com/m15m/19551.html]

After reading this, I went and saw Twilight in the cinema with my sister, and both of us were laughing our asses off. The totally serious dialogue became laughably obvious in its horribleness and I had a fantastic time.

PS Twilight in 15 Minutes and all related parodies are the property of Cleolinda Jones [http://cleolinda.livejournal.com/profile]. Copy/paste at your peril.

 

[Beowulf DW]

Several girls in my Spanish class started talking about this movie last week. When I explained to the other boys in the class that the vampires SPARKLE, there was an immediate backlash.

I'm ashamed to say it, but my two sisters love the books.

 

[TehCookie]

Best line in the movie "I like watching you sleep" for i used that line to creep out my friends before twilight came out (none were flattered tho) The movie was suppose to be serious but when you watch it you can't help but laugh because it was so terrible just the acting alone it enough to make your sides ache, its like watching one of the original batman its so corny its funny

Everyone here is wrong, Twilight is not the worst movie adaptation of a book...
...Eragon is.

And you are completely right (the twilight movie wasn't a bad adaption it was just a bad book)

 

[sirdanrhodes]

One thing did impress me about this film, it's how despite watching TV in the dark, the fucking logo STILL managed to blind me from the brightness from the trailer.

 

[WinterKnight]

I completely agree with everything you said. My sister is so enthralled with the whole aspect of this Edward figure and we constantly argue about what a REAL vampire is. She has no concept of it, this book has brought up a new generation of people that believe that vampires are pathetic beings with hearts that sparkle in the sun. Gag me.

 

[dalek sec]

I think that part that almost made my eye's roll out of my skull was hearing that they actually played baseball with uniforms in the movie.

 

[The_root_of_all_evil]

Ahem

Watching romantic comedies can spoil your love life, a study by a university in Edinburgh has claimed. [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/edinburgh_and_east/7784366.stm]

 

[Maet]

Watching romantic comedies can spoil your love life, a study by a university in Edinburgh has claimed. [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/edinburgh_and_east/7784366.stm]

Funny how nicely that study ties in to this post:

Only reason I went to this movie was in hopes of getting the "Popcorn Surprise" And I end up getting compared to this stupid basterd on how romatic I am. I"M NOT ROMATIC give me a handjob allready.

And of course, we have our good friend Maddox's take on the subject (an article of which I could have sworn he wrote more on: Hopeless Romantics [http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=hopeless]

 

[tooktook]

Would you mind telling me a few of your favourite movies to put things in perspective?

I don't see what it has to anything, but fine:

-Most James Bond movies
-Pixar movies
-Iron Man stands as one of my favourite movies of 2008 (head and shoulders above The Dark Knight)

Its relevant so that I can get an idea of whether you movie tastes are similar to mine and therefore judge your opinion accordingly.

QED
I thought Iron Man was good, but, I F#%$ING LOVED the Dark Knight. I wouldn't even put them in the same ball park. So I now know that I should get a second opinion of this film before refusing to see it.

(This is not to put down your review but it might just not be accurate for me)

 

[Trace2010]

Everyone here is wrong, Twilight is not the worst movie adaptation of a book...
...Eragon is.

I dunno...I thought "Goblet of Fire" was pretty rushed....

 

[MrBrightside919]

Twilight is essentially EMO CRACK. This is a movie for emo kids who need a new poster to put on their wall. I felt like I needed to slit my wrists after watching this movie. I walked out of the theater and discovered that my hair was brushed to one side. I flipped the fuck out when I saw that my ratty old sneakers somehow transformed into converse with sharpie scribbled all over them.

 

[santaandy]

... I felt like I needed to slit my wrists after watching this movie.

Ironically enough, so do the emo kids. But for an entirely different reason.

 

[MrBrightside919]

... I felt like I needed to slit my wrists after watching this movie.

Ironically enough, so do the emo kids. But for an entirely different reason.

It's like they were trying to convert me. All of a sudden I had a strange urge to listen to some My Chemical Romance.

~SHUDDER~

I've never been so frightened in my life...

 

[Neosage]

I felt like slitting the authors wrists....wait there is a movie o.0! Onwards Neosage cleanse the foul emoness!

 

[The_root_of_all_evil]

Uhm guys....

Another one's coming soon... [http://www.usatoday.com/life/movies/news/2008-12-16-new-moon-release-date_N.htm?csp=34]