Two girls, one very confused guy

[TangoOneSix]

Hello everyone,

LONG TEXT AHEAD

I'm somewhat in a pickle.

I'm 21 years old, in college and officially single. I have been for several months since my ex dumped me back in October 2010. I guess you could say it took me a while to get back on the horse. And as soon as I'm really getting back onto the horse, I'm slammed with a confusing situation.

For a while, I had my eyes on a girl in one of my classes. I find her to be attractive, I love talking to her, being around her and am definitely interested in dating her. She's definitely a Type A kind of girl - up and at 'em outlook on life, strong attention to detail, strong work ethic, all that good stuff. We share some of the same interests, and I can make her smile and laugh with all my jokes, good or bad. She's single. She's pretty, but often dresses down plainly: often just going out in a jeans and T-shirt, of which she has some strange ones that she wears because they were free and she doesn't like spending all her money on new clothes. You'll seldom see her wearing makeup or anything like that. It's this no BS attitude about her that I'm so attracted to, but it also makes it hard to read her.

Naturally, I can't get enough of her, so I decided to try making my move. I asked if she wanted to come see a movie with me: she did, and we had a good time. We spent an afternoon walking around a mall together, talking about random things without missing a beat. Incidentally, I noticed she dressed herself a lot more nicely than usual. Afterwards, I asked if she wanted to accompany me to a military ball (I'm a US military officer cadet as well as student) which is happening in the last week of April - she said yes to that too.

In other words, indications seemed good that she is interested in me. Of course, as mentioned before, she's hard to read and I'm not the best at reading girls. I could be wrong and not even know it right now.



Meanwhile, there's another girl - certainly attractive, though in a different way from Girl A above. This one is a lot more traditionally feminine in the regular sense of the word. She just got out of an engagement after finally acknowledging it was an emotionally abusive relationship and is now single. I kind of had a crush on this girl, briefly, when I first met her, but for a while, I thought myself to be over such thoughts.

In any case, she's wanted to see me a lot more - and also, unabashedly flirting with me. I won't lie, I certainly didn't mind getting back into the whole flirting thing, after a several month lapse in it. She turned 21 last night and I went out with her and some of her friends to indulge in good times and drinking. I suppose it was alcohol impaired judgment combined with both of us being single and craving closeness with someone, but flirting led to kissing which led to making out in her apartment which...well, you know the deal.

In any case, I thought it was nice to fully be back on the horse - but now this girl is very much into me. Actually, as a matter of fact, she'd been into me for a while. Maybe I'd just been single for too long, but I never objected to her advances, even if I had a few inklings of doubt. As in, I agreed to take her out on a date this Saturday. Just now, we finished up a two hour long phone conversation, where we just talked about things from religion to food and had a blast doing so.

Part of me is wary of the fact that I'm basically the rebound for this girl, but I can't help but find myself liking this girl a lot more as the days pass. In any case, though, while it hasn't been made official, I am kind of dreading the day where I log into Facebook and see "_____ is in a relationship with you" notifications.





Essentially, I'm torn on how to proceed, now that I've probably FUBARed a situation more than it needed to be. I'm interested in Girl A, it is unknown if Girl A is interested in me. Girl B is interested in me, and I'm not sure how interested I am in Girl B, even if it is increasing as time goes by and we get to know each other better. Being with one will invariably reject the other.

The biggest trouble is the fact that I'm juggling two girls at once. Girl A, I haven't really had a chance to talk about us in detail with her. I don't know what she'll say. Maybe she likes me, maybe she sees me as just a friend. Girl B, I've had plenty of times to talk to - she definitely likes me, but I'm also afraid of being the rebound. Despite all that I'm finding myself falling for her - maybe because we still click pretty well from the get go.

What do I do? Take a chance with Girl A and tell Girl B "sorry, I can't be your rebound anymore?" Tell Girl A I've changed my mind about wanting to take her as my date to military ball and make something out of whatever is going on with Girl B? Try and play the field without either of them knowing and dumping the less suitable one later on? Explain the situation to both of them honestly and hope they both understand my predicament and confusion? Some other suggestion?

Any help or advice you can give me would be appreciated. I've lost a lot of sleep thinking about this.



-Chris

 

[BonsaiK]

You've failed to mention what it is that you actually want from this situation, so I'm going to assume that your goal here is a long-term relationship with either A or B.

Just because Girl B just got out of a relationship doesn't mean she's viewing you as a rebound. Some people need a "rebound", some don't. In any case, if you're clearly hitting it off, and you like her, you might as well go with it, but I'd have the "am I the rebound?" chat with her before you get too involved. I wouldn't tell her about Girl A, but I would definitely mention to her that you're a bit concerned because she just got out of a big thing. If it turns out that it's a rebound thing, then you can always pursue Girl A once you determine that.

In the meantime, do take Girl A to the ball, after all you promised her, so do it. Just don't lead her on if you get heavily involved with Girl B by that point.

 

[Gralian]

First thing's first, if you feel in any way guilty that you've maybe 'cheated' on Girl A by showing physical affection to girl B, don't. It's a common thing to think "oh god, now i've done something with this person and i'm cheating to the other person even though we've not actually done anything together".

Now that's out of the way, judging by what you've said, you seem to be a lot more attracted to girl A, but because girl B is available and fairly easy, you basically didn't look a gift horse in the mouth. I'd say this is natural, it's not always easy to show self-restraint, especially when you're not really sure what you're restraining yourself from and if it's the right call to make.

I think you need to judge whether you're more interested in girl A because of the 'thrill of the hunt', and likewise not quite so interested with girl B because the 'thrill of the hunt' is no longer present, if it even was at all. I've seen guys who are with a woman for a while, get to the 'i love you' phase, then lose interest completely. Girl B doesn't seem to be with you as a rebound, rather, it seems to me that you're the one almost using her like a rebound - you can't get close to girl A because you can't read her properly so you jump into bed with one you can. It's not a criticism of you; i think it's part of human nature.

I'd say try to keep your options open. Don't get serious with either of them until you're ready to make a final decision. If girl B starts getting a little serious, such as changing her facebook status to in a relationship then you need to tell her up front that you want to take it slow and you're not ready for a serious relationship yet. It could lead to a full-on break up, or she may be understanding about it - either way you don't want to count your chickens before they hatch. In this case, don't swing either way until you're certain how you feel about each of them and you know for sure which one you're most attracted to. Don't be pressured into being in a relationship with girl B and don't pressurise girl A into reciprocating your signs of affection. Following on with what BonsaiK said, don't lead either of them on. If you're getting serious with girl B, don't keep trying to show signs of interest in girl A, but likewise don't get heavily involved with girl B in the first place if you know deep down you still like girl A and will continue to court her, otherwise you'll be leading on girl B when / if you realise you don't feel much for her and go for girl A when it's realistically too late and will cause a lot of damage to all parties.

 

[DefunctTheory]

1. Stop juggling.

2. Pick the one you want.

3. Shoot for it.

It's honestly not hard. Even if you want both of them, you know its wrong. It doesn't matter how you pick... flip a coin if you have to... but you KNOW you have to do it, and none of us can help you. The consequences and rewards for any choice lay with you only.

And don't say FUBAR. The military doesn't use that term anymore. It makes you look like a tool (Not saying you are, though, becoming an officer certainly will make you one).

 

[Marik2]

-Chris

Hmmm..in a pickle indeed.

First off, you need to sit down and think about something. You need to think and consider what you want from all of this. Who would be better for you? In your life, in the direction it's going, etc. Once you know what -you- want, you can choose between them much more easily. Look at all the factors of both women, positive and negative, and just weigh it all out. While Girl A is hard to read, you may be a rebound for Girl B, and being 'the other guy' in that sense can feel really awful from what I hear. I really doubt you want to be in that position but if you do then yeah, that's that. My point is, it's much more prudent to decide on what you want and apply it to the people in question, so that your decision becomes much more clear. Both for you & for the women themselves.

Unfortunately, you will reject one of them no matter what. This can't be helped, as it's a part of life. However, something to consider here is the uncertainty of the situation. If I were in your shoes, I would see how and where Girl A is in her life. If she likes someone firstly, secondly if that someone happens to be you. While you said you think that there could be interest there, you aren't sure. She hasn't confirmed it and that level of uncertainty would surely hinder any decisions. You're aware that Girl B is really into you, so there's no question there. But what about Girl A? Given these circumstances, I would see on Girl A, where she stands on her feelings and if they may be for you. If not, then you can choose Girl B, given she does like you. If Girl A likes you though, then you need to take all the weighing you did about each woman and just decide.

I would do this sooner then later (not my suggestion, but ending the juggling by however you choose to go about it) because the longer you do it, the longer you may be leading one or both women on, and that will hurt both people & possibly even you. :/

I hope this helps!

Or he could just go for the harem ending

 

[Paksenarrion]

-Chris

Hmmm..in a pickle indeed.

First off, you need to sit down and think about something. You need to think and consider what you want from all of this. Who would be better for you? In your life, in the direction it's going, etc. Once you know what -you- want, you can choose between them much more easily. Look at all the factors of both women, positive and negative, and just weigh it all out. While Girl A is hard to read, you may be a rebound for Girl B, and being 'the other guy' in that sense can feel really awful from what I hear. I really doubt you want to be in that position but if you do then yeah, that's that. My point is, it's much more prudent to decide on what you want and apply it to the people in question, so that your decision becomes much more clear. Both for you & for the women themselves.

Unfortunately, you will reject one of them no matter what. This can't be helped, as it's a part of life. However, something to consider here is the uncertainty of the situation. If I were in your shoes, I would see how and where Girl A is in her life. If she likes someone firstly, secondly if that someone happens to be you. While you said you think that there could be interest there, you aren't sure. She hasn't confirmed it and that level of uncertainty would surely hinder any decisions. You're aware that Girl B is really into you, so there's no question there. But what about Girl A? Given these circumstances, I would see on Girl A, where she stands on her feelings and if they may be for you. If not, then you can choose Girl B, given she does like you. If Girl A likes you though, then you need to take all the weighing you did about each woman and just decide.

I would do this sooner then later (not my suggestion, but ending the juggling by however you choose to go about it) because the longer you do it, the longer you may be leading one or both women on, and that will hurt both people & possibly even you. :/

I hope this helps!

Or he could just go for the harem ending

Which harem ending?

The one where he keeps getting physically abused by the women involved (Love Hina), or the one where he shows the bare minimal interest to all parties to string them along until the fans suspect his sexual inclination (Tenchi Muyo)?

OT: Clarify to Person B that you expect her fling with you to be a rebound thing. Depending on Person A's personal beliefs, she may or may not think you are misleading her into thinking that she is the only object of your affections. Also, before you get into a relationship with either of them, tell them of the possibility that you might be called off to war.

 

[Paksenarrion]

-Chris

Hmmm..in a pickle indeed.

First off, you need to sit down and think about something. You need to think and consider what you want from all of this. Who would be better for you? In your life, in the direction it's going, etc. Once you know what -you- want, you can choose between them much more easily. Look at all the factors of both women, positive and negative, and just weigh it all out. While Girl A is hard to read, you may be a rebound for Girl B, and being 'the other guy' in that sense can feel really awful from what I hear. I really doubt you want to be in that position but if you do then yeah, that's that. My point is, it's much more prudent to decide on what you want and apply it to the people in question, so that your decision becomes much more clear. Both for you & for the women themselves.

Unfortunately, you will reject one of them no matter what. This can't be helped, as it's a part of life. However, something to consider here is the uncertainty of the situation. If I were in your shoes, I would see how and where Girl A is in her life. If she likes someone firstly, secondly if that someone happens to be you. While you said you think that there could be interest there, you aren't sure. She hasn't confirmed it and that level of uncertainty would surely hinder any decisions. You're aware that Girl B is really into you, so there's no question there. But what about Girl A? Given these circumstances, I would see on Girl A, where she stands on her feelings and if they may be for you. If not, then you can choose Girl B, given she does like you. If Girl A likes you though, then you need to take all the weighing you did about each woman and just decide.

I would do this sooner then later (not my suggestion, but ending the juggling by however you choose to go about it) because the longer you do it, the longer you may be leading one or both women on, and that will hurt both people & possibly even you. :/

I hope this helps!

Or he could just go for the harem ending

-Chris

Hmmm..in a pickle indeed.

First off, you need to sit down and think about something. You need to think and consider what you want from all of this. Who would be better for you? In your life, in the direction it's going, etc. Once you know what -you- want, you can choose between them much more easily. Look at all the factors of both women, positive and negative, and just weigh it all out. While Girl A is hard to read, you may be a rebound for Girl B, and being 'the other guy' in that sense can feel really awful from what I hear. I really doubt you want to be in that position but if you do then yeah, that's that. My point is, it's much more prudent to decide on what you want and apply it to the people in question, so that your decision becomes much more clear. Both for you & for the women themselves.

Unfortunately, you will reject one of them no matter what. This can't be helped, as it's a part of life. However, something to consider here is the uncertainty of the situation. If I were in your shoes, I would see how and where Girl A is in her life. If she likes someone firstly, secondly if that someone happens to be you. While you said you think that there could be interest there, you aren't sure. She hasn't confirmed it and that level of uncertainty would surely hinder any decisions. You're aware that Girl B is really into you, so there's no question there. But what about Girl A? Given these circumstances, I would see on Girl A, where she stands on her feelings and if they may be for you. If not, then you can choose Girl B, given she does like you. If Girl A likes you though, then you need to take all the weighing you did about each woman and just decide.

I would do this sooner then later (not my suggestion, but ending the juggling by however you choose to go about it) because the longer you do it, the longer you may be leading one or both women on, and that will hurt both people & possibly even you. :/

I hope this helps!

Or he could just go for the harem ending

Which harem ending?

The one where he keeps getting physically abused by the women involved (Love Hina), or the one where he shows the bare minimal interest to all parties to string them along until the fans suspect his sexual inclination (Tenchi Muyo)?

Please be serious guys. This isn't an issue to joke about, okay?

I apologize. Let me amend my original post.

 

[Marik2]

Please be serious guys. This isn't an issue to joke about, okay?

Wasnt making fun of him, just thought I help lighten the mood, but oh well heres my advice.

OP it seems like it be easier to go with the girl b since you 2 went along well with each other.

 

[LetalisK]

Well, it's kind of up to you and what you prefer. Personally, I wouldn't pick either yet. All you've done is go out on a first date with Girl A and that does not entitle her to own you. And it's not like you did anything with Girl B...

I suppose it was alcohol impaired judgment combined with both of us being single and craving closeness with someone, but flirting led to kissing which led to making out in her apartment which...well, you know the deal.

....oh for the love of god! You just made things 10x more complicated. Damn you.

Part of me is wary of the fact that I'm basically the rebound for this girl....

It's a good possibility. If she has a history of dating emotionally abusive or controlling men, and I mean more than just this last ex, it's damn near guaranteed.

In any case, though, while it hasn't been made official, I am kind of dreading the day where I log into Facebook and see "_____ is in a relationship with you" notifications.

Essentially, I'm torn on how to proceed, now that I've probably FUBARed a situation more than it needed to be. I'm interested in Girl A, it is unknown if Girl A is interested in me. Girl B is interested in me, and I'm not sure how interested I am in Girl B, even if it is increasing as time goes by and we get to know each other better. Being with one will invariably reject the other.

Invariably, but not immediately. First, back off the sex. In a perfect world you would be able to practice safe sex with the both of them, or at least one of them, but this is the real world where sex amplifies all of our feelings. It's just best not to mess around with it until you've become exclusive. Second, make it clear to both of them that you do not wish to be exclusive at this time. Don't make it sound like you never want to be exclusive, because that's not true, but you want to take your time easing yourself into your next relationship so you really know the person you're getting involved with before taking the plunge. This is a completely valid way of conducting your dating life. And if the words "playing the field" or "juggling" come out of your mouth, punch yourself.

The biggest trouble is the fact that I'm juggling two girls at once.

No, the biggest trouble is the fact that you had sex with one of them. "Juggling" two women, as you put it, is not a big deal.

Try and play the field without either of them knowing and dumping the less suitable one later on? Explain the situation to both of them honestly and hope they both understand my predicament and confusion? Some other suggestion?

Lying to them will not help you. At the same time, if you let them know you don't want to be exclusive yet and they ask about what other women you might be dating, don't tell them. Nothing good comes of it. Don't lie, but make it clear that you don't become a swinging man-whore every weekend and that it would be very inappropriate and disrespectful to gossip about another woman to her, just as it would most likely piss her off if you gossiped about her to another woman. Trust me on this one. I learned this one the hard way. The exception to this one is if you had sex with one and are planning on having sex with another at some point soon. People's health is involved at this point, which is why it's best not to get involved in sex in the first place.

 

[SiskoBlue]

The grass is always greener. Girl A may have more appeal because you don't know her as well as Girl B. You might go with Girl A and find you actually preferred being with Girl B. You'll never quite know.

I'd say you've got two options.

1) Keep going with Girl B and just see how it goes. I started dating this girl immediately after she broke up a 3 year relationship. In fact I was the reason she finally decided to end it. She wasn't going to cheat. Let's be clear I wasn't the reason WHY it ended, it was already a long way down that street before I ever met her. So she ended it with this guy and we immediately started dating. I kept my distance emotionally, assuming I'm just her rebound. After 3 months she basically declared her love for me and said "I don't want to give you an ultimatum but I can't continue this relationship if you don't see a future in it". I did see a future. We now have two kids and had our 5 year wedding anniversary a few weeks ago.

Everybody is different. Lots of people have rebound relationships but that doesn't mean it is.

You have a dilema with the military ball though. Either explain to Girl A you're in a relationship and it wouldn't be appropriate to take her. Or explain to Girl B you made a promise to take Girl A and feel you should keep that promise but say it's not a date.

2) Option 2. This whiffs a bit more of hedging your bets and probably isn't as honourable. But if you can hold off on Girl B. Talk to her but let her know you're not sure about a "full" relationship until the military ball (hopefully it's not a long time away). Go with Girl A and see what happens. If you only get a kiss from Girl A then you know there's a chance. The next day you can decide which one you want and tell them STRAIGHT AWAY. I say straight away because anything else could backfire. If you don't decide then I guarantee Girl B will post "in a relationship". Or someone will tag you in a fb photo at the ball holding Girl A and she'll say you're "cheating".

My wife is very honourable and has a strong moral compass. You're allowed to choose, but make sure you're clear and honest about your choice as quickly as possible. If you look at other people's horror stories you can nearly always see that the trouble stemmed from lying by omission. You know when you're doing it and you want be able to defend your actions. It will just appear that you're cowardly, or a jerk. So be careful.

Good luck.