Tomorrow it is on gentlemen, The Eventide boosters open like the legs of an eager prostitute and goodness spills out just like...
Well, like a Boo' of Magic really, Nothing quite describes the feeling of the first crack of a new set, Oh, i've been following the previews online, hell, i've even cheated and sifted through a sortable spoiler to get ideas for my 40 card masterpiece sure to materialize tomorrow (or so i hope).
But nothing beats getting your grubby hands on the cards themselves, nothing beats opening a legend first pack, nothing beats the joy of springing that bomb that almost ensures some poor sap will cry at home tonight and-
What?
Im sorry, i've gotten ahead of myself, i have a problem with prematurity. Now for a Review.
Magic: The Gathering is a trading card game, thats right, the thing i've been praising for the past 7 lines (11 with blank ones included) is that thing you see nerdy kids buying instead of condoms. Well i did my time and now i buy the cards instead of bigger condoms... not that much bigger really.
The First trading card game i would like to point out, and that means in has history. Like a game of chess where you pick the pieces, you use cards you have collected to put together a deck with which to do battle with other players. Think of it as an MMOG, you put in money to give death stares to other players and all wait in a line for the next release. Well Magic has its fair share of releases, its cards number in the thousands and its players much, much more than that.
So heres my first few points awarded (thats how i review bitches, thats how this is going to fly, thats how i roll, and this is how its going down... thats right, i'm above conflicting modes of transport)
1) Numbers, your never alone in your carboard ecstasy.
2) History, this game is so old there are people who play it who remember when spore was announced.
3) Size, my collection is so big it takes up the unused second half of my lonely bed, which is pathetically large... and i am relatively new to this monster.
The rules outnumber the collected works of Mozart in words... if Mozart used words instead of numbers, like, 2 for each note... and they were big words. So i think ill pass on trying the explain how it works. That makes the next port of call on this rambling review ship the players themselves, like any Sort-of-MMOG this could be the make-or-break point of the game.
It Sucks. It Sucks more balls than a golf ball cleaner and licks more ass than the toilet from "Lex". The average player is a sour grumpy sack of ass nuggets who would cut you as soon as look at you, your either an impertinent youngster or an outmoded oldster to them, a newbie or a relic. Maybe i'm extraverted for a Magic player but the preferred method of play is total silence as if your not actually pretending your commanding a horde of elves to beat down some fairy rogues. Im sure if your a player you either think im an impertinent newb or think im in a bad crowd. Perhaps i am, but the online version is hardly better (oh thats right, you thought we dealt in mere atoms? we go digital baby, 21st century elf-bashing)
Demotion point! Thats right, i can swing both ways like my imaginary... pendulum, don't be seedy.
Ultrajoe and the average Magic player discuss who will get the final Shadowmoor
booster with the reaper king as the artwork... if your wondering, it ended up being her
Next stop? the cost.
Lots, lots and lots, like to truly be the very best you either need to invest a shiteload [sic] or play sealed (build a deck on site with random cards you buy) and as such that makes the demotion point im flinging on here extra juicy.
But it does bring me around nicely to the extended environment, which can be summed up shortly as epic. And i Mean EPIC. Pro tours, cash prizes, online play, extended rules sets (think mod's for your gamer purists) and as many house rules, quirks, forums and online publications as you can shake a rod of ruin at. Add to that a flourishing card singles price index, trading network and meta-deck sharing and it might just redeem itself for the people your standing next to to get at these juicy features. Point awarded boys, and a big one, bigger than your bastard brother the demotion point from the above paragraph.
A Rod of Ruin, Shakeable for only 4 mana.
Ok, so the ship is sinking fast and this helmet weighs more than you would think (minimal lead content my ass) and its about time i dug out my rares folder and got ready for tomorrow.
Magic is a game for the player, the game for the individual, and a game of hope.
Will my opponent react amiably to a handshake and not hiss and disinfect me? i can only hope
Will i get a copy of Ashling the Extinguisher in that next booster? i can only hope
Will i make this qualifier? I can only hope
Rather like faith its for a certain type of customer, it takes investment and commitment, a day to learn and a lifetime to master, a brain and balls. But mostly it takes hope.
I cant say rent and i wont say buy, so ill sum this up with a big fat avoid.
Really, unless your up for it avoid magic like the plague, it doesn't need you boy, its big with hardcore fans out the wazzoo, and if you want a peice of the action be ready to work for it... That said, i'm ready to spend $90 tomorrow to get my fat hands (just the hands, i have weird glands) on that cardboard crack, and i just might win.
In the end, 4 points and 2 demerits... not bad, not the best.
-Ultrajoe.
P.S This review does seem a little poorly structured, but given the nature of game it's this or a text wall so big it eclipses a Darksteel Colossus (a big thing, hard to eclipse)
P.S.S Grammar is erratic by way of personal habit and style (My addiction to commas in incurable i'm told), and spelling is perfect as i have a checker... i hope... or i will most certainly see this Postscript in a quote box.
P.S.S.S Yeah its long, its a big game and i have a need to compensate.
EDITED FOR STUPID SPELLING MISTAKE.
Well, like a Boo' of Magic really, Nothing quite describes the feeling of the first crack of a new set, Oh, i've been following the previews online, hell, i've even cheated and sifted through a sortable spoiler to get ideas for my 40 card masterpiece sure to materialize tomorrow (or so i hope).
But nothing beats getting your grubby hands on the cards themselves, nothing beats opening a legend first pack, nothing beats the joy of springing that bomb that almost ensures some poor sap will cry at home tonight and-
What?
Im sorry, i've gotten ahead of myself, i have a problem with prematurity. Now for a Review.
Magic: The Gathering is a trading card game, thats right, the thing i've been praising for the past 7 lines (11 with blank ones included) is that thing you see nerdy kids buying instead of condoms. Well i did my time and now i buy the cards instead of bigger condoms... not that much bigger really.
The First trading card game i would like to point out, and that means in has history. Like a game of chess where you pick the pieces, you use cards you have collected to put together a deck with which to do battle with other players. Think of it as an MMOG, you put in money to give death stares to other players and all wait in a line for the next release. Well Magic has its fair share of releases, its cards number in the thousands and its players much, much more than that.
So heres my first few points awarded (thats how i review bitches, thats how this is going to fly, thats how i roll, and this is how its going down... thats right, i'm above conflicting modes of transport)
1) Numbers, your never alone in your carboard ecstasy.
2) History, this game is so old there are people who play it who remember when spore was announced.
3) Size, my collection is so big it takes up the unused second half of my lonely bed, which is pathetically large... and i am relatively new to this monster.
The rules outnumber the collected works of Mozart in words... if Mozart used words instead of numbers, like, 2 for each note... and they were big words. So i think ill pass on trying the explain how it works. That makes the next port of call on this rambling review ship the players themselves, like any Sort-of-MMOG this could be the make-or-break point of the game.
It Sucks. It Sucks more balls than a golf ball cleaner and licks more ass than the toilet from "Lex". The average player is a sour grumpy sack of ass nuggets who would cut you as soon as look at you, your either an impertinent youngster or an outmoded oldster to them, a newbie or a relic. Maybe i'm extraverted for a Magic player but the preferred method of play is total silence as if your not actually pretending your commanding a horde of elves to beat down some fairy rogues. Im sure if your a player you either think im an impertinent newb or think im in a bad crowd. Perhaps i am, but the online version is hardly better (oh thats right, you thought we dealt in mere atoms? we go digital baby, 21st century elf-bashing)
Demotion point! Thats right, i can swing both ways like my imaginary... pendulum, don't be seedy.
Ultrajoe and the average Magic player discuss who will get the final Shadowmoor
booster with the reaper king as the artwork... if your wondering, it ended up being her
Next stop? the cost.
Lots, lots and lots, like to truly be the very best you either need to invest a shiteload [sic] or play sealed (build a deck on site with random cards you buy) and as such that makes the demotion point im flinging on here extra juicy.
But it does bring me around nicely to the extended environment, which can be summed up shortly as epic. And i Mean EPIC. Pro tours, cash prizes, online play, extended rules sets (think mod's for your gamer purists) and as many house rules, quirks, forums and online publications as you can shake a rod of ruin at. Add to that a flourishing card singles price index, trading network and meta-deck sharing and it might just redeem itself for the people your standing next to to get at these juicy features. Point awarded boys, and a big one, bigger than your bastard brother the demotion point from the above paragraph.
A Rod of Ruin, Shakeable for only 4 mana.
Ok, so the ship is sinking fast and this helmet weighs more than you would think (minimal lead content my ass) and its about time i dug out my rares folder and got ready for tomorrow.
Magic is a game for the player, the game for the individual, and a game of hope.
Will my opponent react amiably to a handshake and not hiss and disinfect me? i can only hope
Will i get a copy of Ashling the Extinguisher in that next booster? i can only hope
Will i make this qualifier? I can only hope
Rather like faith its for a certain type of customer, it takes investment and commitment, a day to learn and a lifetime to master, a brain and balls. But mostly it takes hope.
I cant say rent and i wont say buy, so ill sum this up with a big fat avoid.
Really, unless your up for it avoid magic like the plague, it doesn't need you boy, its big with hardcore fans out the wazzoo, and if you want a peice of the action be ready to work for it... That said, i'm ready to spend $90 tomorrow to get my fat hands (just the hands, i have weird glands) on that cardboard crack, and i just might win.
In the end, 4 points and 2 demerits... not bad, not the best.
-Ultrajoe.
P.S This review does seem a little poorly structured, but given the nature of game it's this or a text wall so big it eclipses a Darksteel Colossus (a big thing, hard to eclipse)
P.S.S Grammar is erratic by way of personal habit and style (My addiction to commas in incurable i'm told), and spelling is perfect as i have a checker... i hope... or i will most certainly see this Postscript in a quote box.
P.S.S.S Yeah its long, its a big game and i have a need to compensate.
EDITED FOR STUPID SPELLING MISTAKE.
