Unforgotten Realms: Episode 13: SS Paladon

[CaptainCrunch]

We play loose and fast with the rules on D&D night - my current crew is entrenched in an encounter-based game play, which we call Gladiators. There is no story arc - just fighting. We switch around who the DM is, and it's his job to try to kill everyone (within reason). The premise is much like a holodeck, where the gladiators enter a doorway into a random locale. They fight a bunch of stuff, until they find a key that unlocks the door at the end of the scenario.

Last week, we had a rather entertaining bout with an Earth Elemental, who was guarding our exit door. Our party consisted of Flongor the orc fighter, McGee the halfling barbarian, and Garrok the half-orc retarded barbarian (instead of standard raging, we modified it to severely drop intelligence in exchange for a massive strength bonus. We call it Tard Rage.)

The earth elemental was a tough opponent at first, as it would form out of anything made of rock, at a moment's notice. Instinctually, the barbarians decided to climb some nearby trees. Flongor was a bit less thoughful, and chose to jump atop the exit door in an attempt to escape being pounded by rocky arms. The exit door was against a rocky cliff face, and even though Flongor made successful Jump and Balance checks, he failed to notice the Earth Elemental coming out of the wall *above the door*.

With ninja-like grace, Flongor took the hit without falling off his perch. The ninja spirit disappeared when he tried to swing at the Earth Elemental - he not only missed the swing, but lost his weapon on the DEX check, as he fell off the ledge. Luckily, Garrok went into a Tard Rage, and hugged the Earth Elemental into little bits of rock before we all died.

 

[wewontdie11]

OK I'll have a go posting my best RP story. This was in what ended up being a one off of the Serenity RPG. There were only 3 of us playing and the GM. We were aboard a simple cargo ship apparently similar to a Firefly but smaller, and each had to have roles, I chose pilot, one friend was the captain and another the medic.

This all started to get a bit strange at character creation when I ended up with an obscene amount of money left, which I subsequently spent on 100 flashbang grenades against the GM's best wishes.

The game started with us having an anonymous tip that there were some supplies that could be salvaged on a wrecked ship out near reaver space. We went to investigate and without too much bother managed to acquire some farming supplies in a couple of crates. A reaver ship appeared as we were loading the cargo but I resisted the urge to throw a flashbang grenade at it, and as we had already powered down before beginning salvaging we got away fine.

We then had the option to attend a deal to sell this farming equipment to some traders. Being the gits we were, we decided to double cross the traders in emphatic fashion. Instead of taking a box of farming supplies to the planet, we filled a crate with 50 flashbang grenades and rigged to go off the minute it was pried open. We passed all the rolls to set this up and all the social rolls during the deal even though some of the tests were supposedly stupidly hard. We took our payment and revealed the location of our surprise crate, then ran back to the ship post haste. It was the dark side of the planet at the time, and as we were about to break orbit we could see the explosion of light on the planets surface from where we were.

Having apparently fucked up one of the plot lines completely the GM decided to try and give us a hard time as he then sent two ships bearing the trader's insignia in pursuit of us. Our ship had no guns and none of us had particularly prolific combat skills, so it seemed desperate measures were in order. It was decided that I would attempt a "Crazy Ivan" (as seen in the Firefly pilot) while we were still in the atmosphere and try and destroy or at least incapacitate one of the ships. I can't remember the number of dice I rolled, but it was perfect, not one failure. This resulted in us blowing one of the ships to kingdom come in a fiery ball of doom, but it unfortunately used pretty much all of our fuel reserves and so we were now stranded with the other ship about to board us.

The guy playing the medic had a sudden epiphany at this point. We all clambered into space suits and braced ourselves inside secure compartments of the ship, sealed off the bridge then as soon as the full crew of the other ship aside from the pilot boarded us armed to the teeth with various instruments of death, we de-pressurised the docking/cargo bay sucking them all out into space killing them instantly. We all passed our ridiculously hard roles to also not die but we unfortunately did lose a bit of cargo. To finish the session off we decided to go onto the other ship, kill the pilot and just steal their better, faster ship and all their possessions.

Totally ruining the plot of a game is always fun.

 

[ImmortalItalian]

Hehe let me give this a shot. This is our DnD Story.

Party:
Sevian - Hexblade / Dragon Disciple (Wears all black robes, a mask covering his face, and a talking helmet)
Garlor - Fighter / Favored Soul (A simple dwarf in all full plate armor)
Eldoon - Rogue / Assassin (In deep black leather armor, wielding a talking dagger)
Omnom - Spelltheif (A nutcase gnome who wears some leather, and carries a talking Australian buckler)
Enya - Druid (She wears tree armor. Since she said she wore nothing we made her wear tree)

So our party, after trekking from a city previously we ran from. (My character Sevian has a habit of chasing cats around, putting them in a bag and using a create water wand on it then throwing it into a house or at someone. Also he eats kids.) We stumbled upon a literal ghost town, we couldn't see anyone but with a trusty monocle I could see ghosts and such whereas I tried to get their attention by throwing rocks. Nothing. The rest of the group decided to go sleep in the inn and I soon followed. Then the fun started.

Upon sleeping at said Inn, the group split up to find out that the city was soon populated by an immense amount of people. Three of us went to the tavern of course (Myself, Eldoon and Omnom) and began to cause a ruckus. Omnom became drunk off of 200 proof dwarfish ale and drowned in his glass, Eldoon had to pull him out of it and save him. (Mind you they are both 2 foot tall, Gnome and Halfling) I sat in the corner and began to hit on the barmaid who immediately went after me and was becoming a bit creepy and clingy to my character so I walked out to find Garlor at the blacksmith.

Garlor is a simple fellow, well simple as in simple minded. He has the IQ of a mentally retarded 2 year old but is an amazing fighter. Garlor was trying to fix my ranseur, polearm thing. He failed the crafting roll and got a one in which our DM said since Garlor was so retarded he crafted his own arm with steel. Arguing went on and the DM allowed him to repair my polearm. But Garlor didn't stop there, he ran around town grabbing cats and insisted he created "Catheril" or Cat-Chain mail. With this he pounded multiple felines into a mitheril chain-shirt. He continued to work on a helmet too, so I left him and was seeking out the druid.

Our druid didn't have an animal companion. And previously we chopped down trees she was taking to. (Enya: I talk to the trees what are they saying. DM: They are saying what a beautiful night it is, can we move on? Garlor & Sevian: We chop down said tree. What is it saying? DM: It's screaming. In fact the others are yelling at you. Garlor & Sevian: We chop those down too.) So she decided to befriend a cat. She was talking to it, for only a little while where Garlor appeared down the road and made a running start with these famous words "Garlor punts the cat". Garlor punted the cat and I flew over to where the cat landed (Sevian has black dragon wings) and punted it. It sailed over the druids head and went back to Garlor. The monkey in the middle went on for a bit longer until I returned to the bar.

Time passed while we couldn't find a way to get out of town since we were stuck (Had to make will saves and we were trapped in town if we didn't roll 20s) Garlor had killed someone and the guards were after him, so he hid in the boarding house we purchased. He wanted to get out, and I suggested he disguised himself. Garlor immediately went to the fire, drew a smiley face on his bare ass, put his armor on backwards and upside down and proceeded to handstand outside like a complete dipshit. Guards got him and the plot still didn't move forward. Except Garlor and I were able to escape the town.

Outside the town was lame, just a normal forest so we tended to build a log cabin. Yea, it only took 2 days and we constructed a log cabin with furniture too. Don't know how Garlor, our lovable retarded dwarf did it. From a window which I opened I noticed I could see ghosts again with my monocle and I quickly decided to try something:

Sevian: I cast scorching ray at the Tavern (Rolls) (Hits) What happened to the Tavern, are the people effected?
DM: The people are running around screaming as you can see, one of them is covered in flames and dies on the floor but they have no idea how YOU JUST BURNT DOWN THE TAVERN. Are you happy? (He was mad)
Sevian: Yes. Quite. I cast scorching ray at the Mayor's house. (Roll) (Hit) What happened?
DM: There's a massive hole in his home that's on fire. You have one left and I bet you're going to use it.
Sevian: I cast scorching ray at the Church (Roll) (Hit) What do I see?
DM: Well, the ray hits the church and it shakes, then glows. Roll a will save. (Sev Rolls) Ok...Nothing happened, but you do notice the church glowing.

After that mishap I decided to go hunt. I found a buffalo. Crit 3x on it with my 4 attacks and dragged it home. The rest of the party was doing their own thing, trying to release the curse on the town. Story continues really, find a portal to a Demi-Plane. We kill a Demon Dragon. His soul is trapped in a sword I pick up. And we find the deck of many things which brings much joy and pain to us.

The End.

 

[Zemalac]

Let's see, which story to tell...

Here's one from a 3.5 D&D campaign I'm DMing, played on a world that I made.

There was a very intricate setup for this fight, but the essence of it was that while in a border town the players were given a scroll to deliver to a prince in a city deeper in the Empire. They accepted the mission, if only because the Lord-Governor's soldiers were lurking in the corners of the room and they weren't sure what would happen if they refused. It wouldn't be too much trouble: after all, they were going to the city anyway, on orders from the king of a different country to steal some mechanical soldiers. But that's another story. Anyway, they got to the city and delivered the scroll, which contained an exploding rune. Needless to say, the prince's guard weren't too happy with these foreigners showing up and trying to blow up their ruler. The players fought a running battle all the way out of the city and across the countryside.

They arrived back at the border town righteously pissed and began plotting revenge. That night they loaded up their flying carpet (which they weren't really supposed to have, but the way they stole it was so clever I allowed it) and set off for the Lord-Governor's castle. They found him in his study still working, and quickly formulated a plan of action. A tap on the windowpane got the governor's attention, and he stepped over to see what it was.

The players opened up with a javelin straight through the window, followed by a warforged fighter with a magic bastard sword. The rest of the party piled through the window after the fighter, with the sole exception of the halfling rogue who was sneaking around the hall outside. There was a gnome wizard, a half-orc barbarian, a dwarven cleric whose player wasn't there, and a warforged monk (don't ask), all storming into this guy's study through the window.

They took a few shots at the governor before he managed to activate his artifact, something that I created called the Mantle of Shadows. The room filled with darkness, and the players suddenly found themselves getting attacked by tendrils of shadow and a shortsword that they couldn't manage to hit in return. While the governor was gloating and attacking the rest of the players, the rogue slipped in and barred the door behind him.

So there they were, slashing furiously at nothing and trying to land attacks on something they couldn't see. The rogue, joining in, drew two daggers and threw them both at where he thought the Lord-Governor was standing.

Critical hit and sneak attack. Seventy-two damage. With a pair of daggers. The Lord-Governor died instantly.

That didn't stop the combat, though. The players couldn't see him, still, so they assumed the Lord-Governor was still alive. With a cry of "Fuck this," they charged back out the window, with the semi-intelligent Mantle of Shadows harrowing their steps. Once they were outside on the flying carpet, the wizard threw a fireball in through the window. The room exploded.

Party: Is he dead yet?
DM: Um...
Wizard: I'll throw another fireball, just to be sure.

After the second fireball there was nothing left of the room but scorched stone. They found the Lord-Governor's skeleton in the corner with molten droplets of metal around it and the Mantle of Shadows on its shoulders, which of course they stole.

But they didn't stop there. They proceeded to impersonate the Lord-Governor (disguise self) when the guards finally succeeded in kicking down the door, faked his death in another room, stole everything of value in his personal chambers, and left evidence proving that he was a traitor to the Empire on the table in his bedroom.

All this after dishing out enough damage to kill him three times over. I think that was the most memorable encounter of the campaign thus far.

 

[Sunfirecross]

This peobably isn't the longest story or the best, but I have to tell it anyways.

So a group of four friends including me were playing a campain and I'm not sure if the DM felt like fucking around or got quite bored of playing D&D at the time so he let the player (not me) pull of some wierd stuff.

It all statred when one of my firends pissed of another one of the group and to get back at him he cast Arcane Mark on my friends character, it read "Five copper a Ride". So a swarm of copper holding hobos burst out demanding smex. This is when all hell broke lose. After that, she had cast enlage person on herself along with permancy, she kept doing this untill she was as big as the moon, and then they had an interstellar wrestling match with an Evil Antropmorphic Overlod Goat.

Don't ask me how it came to this, it just did.

 

[Clone32]

Finally I was playing a character in someone else's campaign setting and not being DM like the usual happenstance. So I rolled up a sorcerer who specialized in fire spells and I picked up a short spear as part of my starting gear.

The background for the campaign consisted of a huge war going on between some orcs and goblins (allied) and the surrounding human kingdom. The king or prince (forget at this point) setup recruitment centers around the city and I signed up (they were paying really well).

I was tossed into a scout group that consisted of the two other players (third guy was late showing up as was his calling card).

So our group consisting of one human rogue, a halfling rogue, and a human sorcerer head off in the direction they had been given by their new commanding officer. We eventually stumbled upon an orc hideout and after much debate (out voted by the rogues 2 to 1 for treasure reasons) headed on down into the cavern.

After fighting through numerous orcs and goblins I was out of spells and now had to rely on my short spear. Our third party member showed up at this point and began rolling up his character, while the rest of us engaged in another fight.

DM: "Ok, the sorcerer gets to take action first then the three orcs, then the two rogues."

Me: "Nice. I'll attack with my short spear."

Human Rogue: "Aren't you too far to use that?"

Me: "Nope. Said, "Range: 20 feet" in the book."

Human Rogue: "Ok. Whatever just distract one of them since you're out of spells."

DM: "Ok you attack the orc with your short spear and kill it."

Late Party Member: "Wait did you just attack it with a short spear from 20'?"

Me: "Yes, yes I did. Its range is 20'. It's a spear, as in a ranged weapon."

LPM: "Range 20' is for throwing."

Me: "Hmm, well I'm not DM today so I'm not in charge of rules. Maybe it's a 20' long short spear."

Laughter ensued and the legendary 20' short spear was created.

 

[Donrad]

My table top gaming experiance.

Back Story:
Me and my friends really dont play table top games that much so when my friend Tom wanted to start a group we agreed becuase we really didnt have anything else to do.
We found out that we had planned our adventure for a while, so we were in for "a treat".

Our game started off smoothly untill we started getting bored about an hour in.
Boredom in a tabletop game means that you stop caring about traps and such.

OK, so we got ourselves into a dungeon and we were all standing in front of a door. My friend Dustin told our dungeon master, Tom, that he "smashes the door down".

After the laughing finishes Tom starts us off with, "and the door slowly creaks open..."

It was extremely funny becuase apparently he did not plan on us being sloppy adventurers.

p.s. loved the episode

 

[Mnemophage]

Here's my bit. Strap in.

It was a four-person party, hovering around level 6, give or take a vampire encounter or two. I was playing an elven wizard, and do not feature prominently in this story. Also in the party was an evil human cleric (also not very important to the plot), Gimble, a gnomish bard, and the half-orc barbarian, Krieg. Somewhere along the way, probably during one of the random deaths that just seemed to happen around the group, we acquired a bag full of potions. FULL of potions. UNLABELED potions. Dozens of the things. The way the bag worked was that we either stuffed a hand in and pulled a potion out at random, at which point the DM would shut his eyes, run his finger down the potion list and use whatever it landed on when he opened them, or we made up a random description and he would find something that fit.

So, it happens one night that we're all shacking up in a dingy inn which squatted in an even dingier city, killing an evening by drinking, listening to the local bardsACOUGHCOUGHSLAYERCOUGH, and lightly terrorizing the locals. Myself and the cleric were contenting ourselves by being evil and mysterious in our corners, but the half-orc was much more active, getting drunk and punching people and doing your typical barbarian tough-guy thing. During the course of his slow mayhem, he had gotten a torch knocked against his head which set the filthy brute on fire. The minor amount of damage he took apparently absolutely necessitated using a potion to fix, however, and he wouldn't stop pestering me until I fished one out of the sack o' mystery liquid for him. When asked to describe what I gave him, I said it was "a pretty pink potion with sparkles inside", and left the DM to his lists.

I figured this as a bad idea as soon as I saw his smile. There is a sort of expression only DMs with an evil plan in mind are capable of, and ours was a caricature of this. I swear I heard thunder boom. The DM asked Krieg where he was facing, and he said he was at the bar, looking out over the inn. The DM asked where SPECIFICALLY, and as Gimble the bard was currently rocking out on stage for spare change, he said he was looking there.

It was a potion of love. Orcs have very strong ideas about what love is. Gimble got the idea that he should run about the same time Krieg started shrieking and tearing off his pants in a fit of passion. In the bard's defense, he gave a good chase, but stubby little gnome legs are no match for an enchanted half-orc who wants to make you their bride. Their magical evening was an all-too-brief 1d3 hours, but the bleeding damage and crude gay jokes kept us going for days.

 

[DesignatedSniper]

Altair + Schmoopy = AWESOME!!!

 

[Shikahake7]

I hope this isn't too late, but here's my shot at the story contest.

I was playing with two friends of mine whom I regularly get together with to play DnD, and we decided to roll an evil campaign, mix things up a bit, so I decided to roll a human paladin named Rhothgar. My friends decided to roll a female elf wizard (Loralyn), and a male elf rogue (Kendral). What follows is a completely accurate account of the first hour of our game.

DM: Rhothgar, you enter the tavern and take up a seat in the corner, your heavy black cloak keeping any wayward stares from your malicious visage. Shortly after your arrival two more mysterious individuals, much like yourself, enter the tavern, what do you do?

Rhothgar: I attempt to get closer to them and listen in on their conversation.

DM: Your attempt isn't rather successful, but you do hear them mention something about killing and stealing before they exit, do you pursue?

Rhothgar: Indeed, I attempt to walk silently after them. *Rolls a 4* Crap...

DM: You walk after them into an alleyway, but in the dark could not see the pile of boxes in front of you, slamming into them and creating the loudest noise this city has ever seen at night.

Loralyn: Who goes there? What be your name?

Rhothgar: Ok... I have a high charisma score I'll try bluffing. (The DM okays it and gives me a difficulty of 12 on the roll) *Rolls a 2* Crap....
Good lady, as you can see I am quite drunk, in fact I can hardly keep my balance. I didn't mean to follow you and your lovely friend out of the bar after hearing some sinister plans of yours, as I have very little control over my actions... as I am drunk...

Kendral: Let's kill im.

Rhothgar: Wait wait wait! I'm a mercenary for hire, if you spare my life I'll follow you and act as a body guard, free of charge! How's that sound?! *pitiful whining*

Kendral: Fine, but be quick about following us!

*After a couple more minutes of travel and planning, we decided to split up, I was waiting for them at the next town and they were going to steal from the two most notable nobles in the city*

Kendral: Hmm... they're both asleep... how do we kill them so that the guards don't follow us?

Loralyn: We could hang em both, make it look like suicide.

Kendral: No no, the guards would know that the two of them would never commit suicide through hanging together. They'd just cut themselves or something. Why not hang ONE and stab the other, so it looks like they killed themselves because the other did the same!

Loralyn: Woops... Rhothgar has the rope...

Kendral: DAMNIT! Uh... fine... we'll make it look like a burglary, quick kill em both and I'll mess stuff up. All we want is the Blood Ruby.

Loralyn: Ok! *Kills them both easily with her knife*

Kendral: I got it, let's slowfall out of here.

Loralyn: But wait...
*After about another 20 minutes of metagame arguing, the two of them slowfall right to the base of the building, goodies in hand and lives taken. As they turn around they notice a large pile of straw next to the wooden house*

DM: You know I set it up so that you two could just BURN the damned thing down... right?

Loralyn+Kendral: FU-


The two of them never metagamed again.

 

[Spinwhiz]

Great stories everyone! Due to today being the day after Thanksgiving here in the US, the staff and I will be picking out our top 3 on Monday.

Have a great weekend and all the amazing stories!

Spin

 

[Aptspire]

it has returned!

 

[CIA]

Right, best DnD story.

It was the first session of DnD for me and my friends. We were the horribly unbalanced group of, a Ninja, a Rouge, and a Sorcerer. Somehow we had started in an elf village that was plagued by young dragons that demanded tributes of elf flesh. We were commissioned to take care of the dragons. Being first level we never could have killed them by ourselves. We didn't know that and proceeded to the Dragon's lair.

It was dark so the sorcerer cast light on a giant wheel of cheese we were rolling around with us. We then discovered that the lair was a rather quintessential temple of assorted evilness. After the rouge killed a Dire Weasel with only one dart (Massive critical in the Jugular vein) we entered the room with the dragons. Instead of fighting the rouge decided to talk to the dragons, it went something like this.

Rouge: Hail mighty dragons, we come in peace.
Dragons(DM): What is it you want?
Rouge: We come to humbly request that you cease your requirement of tribute of elf flesh.
Dragons(DM): But the elves are beneath us and, therefore, must pay tribute.
Rouge: What if they substitute the flesh of the cheesebeast? (gives dragons cheese wheel)
Dragons(DM): *Tastes cheese* (DM rolls to see if they like it) We accept this cheese as tribute, tell the elves to send us more.

We then leave having solved the problem. The DM later told us that she had a huge battle planned out with dwarfs helping us to defeat the dragon.

 

[WilliamWhite1]

Glad to see the series back again, Rob; definitely a breath of fresh air, once again.
And of course, Roamin doesn't cease to amaze. His story was gold.
Great work, hope to see more.

 

[internutt]

Glad to see UR is back. I love the series and plan on buying a tshirt or two in January.

 

[Digitalpotato]

If the "sweet warlocks" are supposed to be a WoW reference, he really hasn't played mages now.

 

[Muphin_Mann]

A triumphant return! Critics are raving (as they always do)!

 

[nate30030]

Who will win the contest? We shall never know..... until Monday ^^

 

[Lord_Ascendant]

YAHOOO! ITS BACK!

 

[amendele]

Ach, I know this is too late for the contest, but I feel this story is necessary to share anyway.

I was playing a thief with a magical bow as we came across an evil boss known as the Starstealing Sage, who had summoned wooden spiders to attack us as the sage prepared to cast another spell. Because it was under the Exalted system, I made my character hop on the head of the closest wooden spider, leap into the air, and fire an arrow at the sage before landing. Upon taking this action, my arrow appeared to hit the sage right in the throat. The DM rolled the dice frantically, then furrowed his brow and rolled again, and then rolled a third time. Finally, after scanning over his book, he looked up at me and said:

"Dude, you just killed the boss in one hit."

"What?"

"You hit the sage as she prepared to cast a blood-boiling spell on you, but the spell backfired and killed her instead."

"I did that?"

"You just killed the boss in one hit! I can't fucking believe it!"

And then the players cheered. Of course, there were only five of us in the room at the time, but I still felt cool that night.