Very, very serious problem... please, please help?

[adakias]

Okay... um, I really don't know where to begin with this... I guess the beginning? I'll try and make this short. I'm so sorry; this will probably be long and personal, and I know it's so stupid to ask strangers on the internet for help, but I don't know what else to do. I'm terrified.
Alright, my mother and stepfather recently got divorced. He's been around since I was about five and he legally adopted me, so I have his last name and everything. His family's always been "nice" and all (wait for it). I have three younger half siblings from him (now 14, 7, and 3).
Apparently my mother never really liked him much at all. It was a shotgun wedding type of thing... and the past few years were... well, extremely bad. He did a lot of really, really bad things. Like, our toy poodle got sick, and my mom went off and asked him to keep an eye on her, and to take her to the vet if she got worse. Later my mom came home and he said the dog was fine... turns out she had hid up under the table and was really, really sick... she was making weird noises and stuff.. anyways she wanted to take her to the vet and so he said he'd check on her again, and he then took her out to the garage and smothered her. Other things happened that are way too personal and I really don't want to discuss, but trust me when I say it's scary. The trauma apparently triggered some repressed (recessive? I don't remember the word they used) mental illness, and that's not making any of this easier. People think he's super nice but he's not. His whole family is the same way. Example: when he and my mom couldn't go to a family reunion at the lake house several years back, I had to go alone, and his parents were extremely mean... and they then sent a letter saying that basically, yeah, they went out of their way to treat me bad because they wouldn't come visit.
Recently one of my cousins (I think she's 21?) starting emailing and trying to guilt my 14 year old sister into going to visit at their lake house. She called her immature and lazy and stuff, and so I emailled her personally and basically told her to shut up and to be mature enough to realize that she shouldn't talk to her that way, and that we didn't want to be around him. She asked why, and I told her everything, and she told me I was a liar and a slanderer. Her entire family feels that way too now.
I'm 20 years old now, and he can't legally force to do anything, but he made my younger siblings drive down to Florida for Thanksgiving week, and I tagged along to because my mother was extremely worried about them going alone. He's super inattentive (my three year old brother nearly drowned during one weekend visitation) and also his family talks bad about her and I wanted to make sure they didn't say anything in front of them. I just remembered another important thing: last Christmas he took them for a week and she had a heart attack. Like, a near fatal one, stress induced, on Christmas morning. Seriously.
Okay, sorry that was long. The problem: I have to spend thanksgiving with these people. Twice now they've let the little kids run loose in the fucking streets (once at a gas station off of a highway). He acts upbeat and jovial, but he's made some really cruel comments, like calling me unintelligent and saying that I was faking mental illness just to guilt him, even though he knows I'm forced to take 200mg of lamictal daily. He also made it seem like he doesn't believe my mom even had a heart attack, and if she does it's because of "the bad choices she made in life." WTF?
I had to see his parents and it was SO uncomfortable. They were supernice to my siblings and were really cold to me in their own little fake-pleasant way. They all act superficially nice, but are really kind of horrible, like one Christmas our aunt sent us garbage for presents (seriously; example, my sister got a used coloring book that they got free from a church) And I'm definitely terrified of seeing the cousin and her family. I'm really, really scared and I don't know what to do. I wanted to be the bigger person and just act civil and get through this as painlessly as possible... but it's really hard. None of the bad stuff was reported (I didn't want it reported; it was terrifying and I wanted it all to just be forgotten), so I can't prove it like that, but I just hate being stigmatized as a liar. I know I could just call him out on it and tell him to be honest... but I just want this to go away... They've said horrible things about my mother, they've forced my siblings to come visit, they talk ugly about us too... it's just awful. What do I do? I've been trying to avoid seeing them... I said I was having serious cramps and he left me alone and we didn't have to watch football with them yesterday, but they want to go to the movies and stuff... and Thanksgiving... I'm rambling. Look, how should I handle this? I'm 8 hours south of home. I'm the oldest, and I have to be the defender or sorts, but I'm at a loss. Please tell me what you think I should do. Ignore them and just take it, avoid them at all costs, or confront them? Or something else...? So sorry this was way long... no one's gonna read all this but I can't think of how to summarize it.
TL;DR: Stuck with crazy evil stepfamily in Florida. Trying to keep siblings from being hit by cars while trying to deal with being called a liar. Help???

 

[Terminal Blue]

It doesn't sound like your stepdad is a good person, but the thing you've got to accept is that he does all this because he's clearly a bit fucked up. It sounds like he also resents you on some level, or perhaps he just doesn't know how to deal with you or because he has emotional issues of his own about the whole divorce thing.

So really.. all you can do is be the bigger person. Presumably you're only there for a while. Dig in, brace yourself for any insults he throws at you (because he probably doesn't even mean it, and it's clearly untrue anyway) and just be glad he's not beating you into a bloody pulp every day. Families are almost universally shit, and it's tough to realize that ultimately your parents are pretty crappy people who can be sadistic bastards towards you, but hey.. until you're old enough and independent, you're occasionally going to be stuck with these people, so don't make things worse than they are. Just learn to ignore the shit.. it's not worth your time.

I got this advice from someone whose dad did used to beat her into bloody pulp, so I like to think it's good.

 

[IrradiatedFish]

Ok, bear with me. I'm probably not the best person in the world to be taking advice from, but I'm willing to try and help at least.

It's unfortunate that this family is causing you a lot of grief, but from what I understand, you're kind of stuck in this situation, correct? In that case, I think you're going to have to just deal with it; I'm not trying to sound insensitive at all, in fact I'm hoping you'll take this as support.

You seem worried about the wellbeing of your family. In that case, try to use that worry as a fuel to motivate yourself to look after them. You clearing don't want your siblings to get hit by cars (god forbid, that would be horrible), so make a conscious effort to keep an eye on them at all times. Maybe if you're keeping yourself busy by trying to actively give care to those you care about, you may be able to - in a sense - shut out your step family.

I'll try to give an example of what I mean. A few years ago back in high school, my friends and I were the types to get bullied. During a school trip to Algonquin park, one of the twats that I had previously had problems with myself started to bug a good friend of mine. I've never ever had the courage to stand up for myself very well, and I usually get walked over. Seeing a friend of mine get pushed around though, I was actually able to raise my tiny voice for once. I don't know why, but just being in this circumstance gave me the strength I needed.

Some people are always going to be idiots. There's nothing we can really do about that. Rather than trying to fight against your step dad, use your anger against him to better yourself. If he's not taking care of your mother, take care of her yourself.

I hope you can get through this, and I'm sure you can. I'm not the most inspiring person in the world, but I hope I could lend you a little bit of strength. You have my best wishes! Oh, and, you're in Florida, soak up the nice weather (I'm going to assume its a lot warmer there than it is up here in Canada )


EDIT: As evilthecat said above me: Be the bigger person. I think that's sort of what I was trying to get at in a round-a-bout kind of way. I can be very long winded, and what I just wrote is CONCISE compared to most things I spew out ^^

 

[adakias]

Thanks you guys. It was really sweet of you to take the time to read all that and respond, and I'm really grateful. ^.^
Basically the same thing has been said, and that's good. I have a good idea how I'm gonna try and deal with this.
It's such a horrible situation, but ya'll are right. I'm gonna focus on making sure the younger ones are okay, and I'm gonna try and not give a shit about the other people.
In more horrifying news, I just saw a possum, like, ten feet away from me. I'm scared of possums.

 

[Jamboxdotcom]

this sounds very similar to my own situation growing up, although it was my biological father and his asshole family.

basically, as others have said, the key is to focus on your siblings and on being the better man. take care of your siblings, try not to rock the boat too much, and let your siblings come to their own conclusions. ultimately, if their father and his family are as big pricks as you think they are, your siblings will eventually come to realize it. but don't try to convince them yourselves, because you don't want them or your stepdad's family to think you're trying to turn them against each other.

 

[adakias]

this sounds very similar to my own situation growing up, although it was my biological father and his asshole family.

basically, as others have said, the key is to focus on your siblings and on being the better man. take care of your siblings, try not to rock the boat too much, and let your siblings come to their own conclusions. ultimately, if their father and his family are as big pricks as you think they are, your siblings will eventually come to realize it. but don't try to convince them yourselves, because you don't want them or your stepdad's family to think you're trying to turn them against each other.

Very true. The littluns are too young to really understand what's going on; my main goal there is to keep them from becoming roadkill... but the 14 year old does have a habit of emulating what I do. I guess I do need to be careful what I say to/around her? She already is pretty pissed at them (she was actually a witness to... things so she seems to be on the same page as me in regards to the patriarch), but if they thought I was the one turning her against them, that would make it worse... omg they probably already do, I think. .___.
This was enlightening. Thanks. <3

 

[The Stonker]

What you should do is that you should embrace your self for a whole lot of mental attacks from your step-father and his family, because it seems like you're going to be there for a long time.
But about your step-father.
He's a sinister man, a very sinister man, so keep a close eye on the kids and just protect them.

I'm sorry that I'm not writing more, it's very late in my country and I think I should go to sleep.

 

[Jamboxdotcom]

this sounds very similar to my own situation growing up, although it was my biological father and his asshole family.

basically, as others have said, the key is to focus on your siblings and on being the better man. take care of your siblings, try not to rock the boat too much, and let your siblings come to their own conclusions. ultimately, if their father and his family are as big pricks as you think they are, your siblings will eventually come to realize it. but don't try to convince them yourselves, because you don't want them or your stepdad's family to think you're trying to turn them against each other.

Very true. The littluns are too young to really understand what's going on; my main goal there is to keep them from becoming roadkill... but the 14 year old does have a habit of emulating what I do. I guess I do need to be careful what I say to/around her? She already is pretty pissed at them (she was actually a witness to... things so she seems to be on the same page as me in regards to the patriarch), but if they thought I was the one turning her against them, that would make it worse... omg they probably already do, I think. .___.
This was enlightening. Thanks. <3

don't worry too much about whether they might think that now. and really, whether your ex-stepdad's family thinks it or not is irrelevant. just so long as your siblings know they're not being manipulated. this doesn't mean you can't ever say anything negative around your siblings, but just be cognizant of the way your attitudes will shape theirs.
also, sorta off-topic, but i just realized i was assuming you're male, so the term "better man" is purely metaphorical and not intended to offend if you're female or other. better person is better

 

[Infinatex]

Why don't you guys just leave? It clearly is not a nice situation to be in and this seems like the simplest and most effective option.

 

[Jamboxdotcom]

Why don't you guys just leave? It clearly is not a nice situation to be in and this seems like the simplest and most effective option.

they have "left". the problem is that his/her younger half-siblings are the ex-stepdad's children, and he has legal visitation rights. this is a tricky situation, because the mother may be (rightly) afraid that if she tries to sever all ties with this asshole and his family, they may try to get full custody of the children. and, unfortunately, the way our legal system works, if they can afford better lawyers, they can get the children. so they're stuck trying to make the best of a bad situation.

 

[adakias]

What you should do is that you should embrace your self for a whole lot of mental attacks from your step-father and his family, because it seems like you're going to be there for a long time.
But about your step-father.
He's a sinister man, a very sinister man, so keep a close eye on the kids and just protect them.

I'm sorry that I'm not writing more, it's very late in my country and I think I should go to sleep.

Yeah, it's already starting, and I've gotta last the entire week. Gotta man up, so to speak. ^.^

Sleep well.

blahblahblah

don't worry too much about whether they might think that now. and really, whether your ex-stepdad's family thinks it or not is irrelevant. just so long as your siblings know they're not being manipulated. this doesn't mean you can't ever say anything negative around your siblings, but just be cognizant of the way your attitudes will shape theirs.
also, sorta off-topic, but i just realized i was assuming you're male, so the term "better man" is purely metaphorical and not intended to offend if you're female or other. better person is better

True. I'm just getting all neurotic now. xD I definitely am trying not to shape their opinions, especially the young ones... they'll understand someday. The stuff I listed was the tip of the iceberg. My biggest fear is that the family tries to shape their opinions against my mom and me, honestly... I'll do my best to not be the manipulator. :3
Also off-topic, I am indeed a lady, but it's the internet. The masculine "he" and all terms relating are considered acceptable in my book.~

 

[Jamboxdotcom]

True. I'm just getting all neurotic now. xD I definitely am trying not to shape their opinions, especially the young ones... they'll understand someday. The stuff I listed was the tip of the iceberg. My biggest fear is that the family tries to shape their opinions against my mom and me, honestly... I'll do my best to not be the manipulator. :3

as trite and ridiculous as it may sound, it really is best to have some faith in those you love. people tend to be able to figure things out, given time; and they tend to be able to filter out bulls***. i think your siblings will do the same, especially if you and your mother make an effort to be good people. i hope everything goes well for you. as i said, i've been there. also, glad you didn't take offense at the gender issue... you never know what will offend some people

 

[adakias]

Why don't you guys just leave? It clearly is not a nice situation to be in and this seems like the simplest and most effective option.

they have "left". the problem is that his/her younger half-siblings are the ex-stepdad's children, and he has legal visitation rights. this is a tricky situation, because the mother may be (rightly) afraid that if she tries to sever all ties with this asshole and his family, they may try to get full custody of the children. and, unfortunately, the way our legal system works, if they can afford better lawyers, they can get the children. so they're stuck trying to make the best of a bad situation.

That is indeed the problem. My mom didn't want to force anyone to come, but she doesn't want to get into legal trouble. She told them that she would try and help them get out of Christmas (he gets the week from the 26th onward) because she wants to see them, seeing as how last year she spent Christmas and the weeks after in the hospital. The divorce was settled back in July after a VERY drawn out legal process. Hilariously, the settlement they agreed on gave him less visitation than the one my mom proposed at first, which he immediately rejected on principle. He's mean AND stupid.

EDIT:

True. I'm just getting all neurotic now. xD I definitely am trying not to shape their opinions, especially the young ones... they'll understand someday. The stuff I listed was the tip of the iceberg. My biggest fear is that the family tries to shape their opinions against my mom and me, honestly... I'll do my best to not be the manipulator. :3

as trite and ridiculous as it may sound, it really is best to have some faith in those you love. people tend to be able to figure things out, given time. i hope everything goes well for you. as i said, i've been there. also, glad you didn't take offense at the gender issue... you never know what will offend some people

True. ^.^ And it's not trite at all.
And no worries; I'm not one of the nuts who get offended over things as trivial as that.

 

[adakias]

That is a tricky situation, indeed. >.<

I read your post, and honestly what I think you should do is go, and just try to keep an eye on your step siblings as best as you can. Even if that side of the family doesn't like you and calls you a liar, you know what's right from wrong in your head, and if they want to play that game, they aren't worth convincing or worrying about altogether. This may sound inconsiderate but that's how I see it. Don't let them get to you, because they just want to get under your skin. Be there for your siblings and try to watch over them as much as possible, and ignore what the rest of the family says. If they have nothing nice to say, then that should be their problem, not yours.

You're right.
I'm gonna try and not let them bother me. It's hard not to, but I mean, you're definitely right, they aren't worth stressing over. Thank you. :3

 

[Ziadaine_v1legacy]

That is a tricky situation, indeed. >.<

I read your post, and honestly what I think you should do is go, and just try to keep an eye on your step siblings as best as you can. Even if that side of the family doesn't like you and calls you a liar, you know what's right from wrong in your head, and if they want to play that game, they aren't worth convincing or worrying about altogether. This may sound inconsiderate but that's how I see it. Don't let them get to you, because they just want to get under your skin. Be there for your siblings and try to watch over them as much as possible, and ignore what the rest of the family says. If they have nothing nice to say, then that should be their problem, not yours.

Aylaine summed it up perfectly. You know that your step-fathers family are the true liars and thats all you need to both know and tell yourself. If they get under your skin they can easily manipulate the situation, like what your cousin tried to your younger sister. Stay strong, look out for each other and if things get very bad, look at possible government assistance. you're over 18 (or under 21, depending where you live) but either way if its getting too rough you could apply to be the caregiver of your siblings and live with them elsewhere on assistance.

 

[PeePantz]

First of all, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your post. I understand that it was not for entertainment but I got really involved and found it to be an interesting story. Well done, I feel compelled to try to give advice.

View it as a necessary annoyance that will pass in time. To oversee your siblings' well being is worth being there, so don't get panicky about your stay.
Although you shouldn't go out of your way to be antagonistic, do not let him or his family talk shit to you or "abuse" you in anyway. Always be in control, but don't take any shit from them. If you're the reasonable one and speak the truth, your siblings will see how "off" he and his family are. This probably will create a situation where they don't want to see him and will eventually lead to them legally not having to.

Just remember don't get too worked up and create a scene. This will used against you and cement their opinion of you, potentially turning your siblings against you.