Victim blaming and me

[RaikuFA]

All my life, I've been beaten, harassed, threatened and shunned. I guess its just because I'm supposed to be the worlds punching bag. Whenever I told someone I was told either to fight back(which would get me in trouble and the guy I was defending myself from would get away scott free) the response would always be the same, "It's your fault. It's your fault you're gonna be beaten, you're getting death threats, you're being called a ******, retard, or whatever." I have nightmares all the time, the most frequent ones are of me being beaten by my peers for being different and having the teachers encourage the beatings which I was responded with "Deal with it. I didn't see it so nothing happened." or my favorite "If you tell anyone, it will get worse." Or a nightmare where people are pinning me down and stabbing me/ripping my body apart while they're laughing at me. They've been getting more frequent and the last one, my arm was in pain when I woke.

I have a brother who keeps on stealing from me and saying I should be locked up in a mental hospital for the rest of my life because I'm weird(I have aspergers). I know that if I was a woman with the same mindset, I'd be in a abusive relationship where even if I told the police, they'd say its my fault just because its funny to see that.

My job has people wanting me dead over a fucking coupon, my boss gives me work with no instructions or expects it done in an impossible time. There's also me getting scolded with threats of being written up because I also have to do other things such as cleaning up returns while its busy.

Truthfully, I'm thinking of just ending it all. I'm a mentally challenged worthless piece of shit, no one cares about if I live or not. My family would just say good riddance, my job would just just replace me the second they heard. My friends... who the fuck am I kidding? The closest thing I had to friends were people in high school who would personally go out of their way to exclude me from activities because I was the only one who couldn't find a date for Saturday night.

I just want it all to end.

 

[Birdfalcon]

As someone with aspergers (was diagonsed when i was 16) I have been in your shoes and much worse. Iv'e had people bully me my enitre life, My own family look down on me and emotionaly abuse me. My own stepfather a middle/high school teacher (and a druken,bitter acholic "Man") call me a fat fuck retard and say I should be in a mental hosptial for being a Violent Pyscopath beacuse I was ready to use my martial arts training to stand up to him and defend myself from his bullying and abuse. As for the issues with your family and job I would reccommend looking into an Advocate basicly a disablity lawyer who can take your case...if your boss knows about your aspgers and you can get a clinical diagnoas...or allready have one you might be able to sue for ADA (americans with disablities act) violations.

And have your brother investgatied and with the recent anti-bullying campgian in schools the advocate might be able to sue the school your in as well. As for the problems you have with other things...try to find someone who knows what your going through and wants to help...i got lucky i found a wonderful person in arizona through a program called second life who suffers from PTSD.


As well as my RL girlfreind who has been more supportive of me..and means the world to me more than she knows I can't praise her enough for being there for me when the world seems to have turned its back on me. As for the suscide thing...don't i've been wanting to kill myself....it's an eternal fix to a temproary problem you'll find something worth living and fighting for...try to think of the things you do enjoy.


Also think of the great men and women who have aspgers and have become better for embracing who they are people the niches that make them different like the creator of pokemon who was digaosed with aspgers as an adult (and enjoyed playing outside in the tall grass catching crickets and and having them fight his freind's pet crickets). and Dan akyord one of the writers of ghostbusters and an icon in the world of entertianment. Like Dan Savage said...It gets better.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

You're in a tough spot, it sounds to me like your support group isn't all that good, I want you to read everything I'm about to say very carefully and please take it to heart don't dismiss it as silliness, you may not believe it, but what I'm saying is the truth, your self esteem is very low and you seem to already know that.

First off, you are not the world's punching bag, I know it can seem like you make an easy target for others to vent their frustrations, this is wrong and they have no right to do that, life is full of cynical people who will tell you you're not worth it, but you are worth it, you deserve to live just as much as everyone else, you're not worthless and you're certainly not weird, you are welcomed in this community, and you can do anything that you aspire to do,

I have dyslexia, I struggled throughout school, but I put it in my head that I was going to get straight A's even though the school system gives up on people like me, and I did get straight A's, I put it in my head that I would get my black belt, and I did get my black belt, then I put it in my head that I would go to college, I graduated last year. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't do something, you can do whatever you put your mind to, people are bullies, trust in yourself, there are plenty of people in this world willing to talk down to you, don't ever let yourself think they are right, they are WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG.

You don't deserve to be in a mental hospital, and you certainly shouldn't feel bad about defending yourself, it is your law given right.

As for your job, it sounds like you work retail, those environments are very stressful, I've worked retail for six years, I know how bad it gets, customers can be the worst and bosses don't understand the kind of pressure they put on employees, you should probably look else-ware for a non retail job, but please understand, it's not you, you're not the issue, even if it may seem that way, it's retail and that's just the way retail is.

You're not worthless and you're aspergers doesn't prevent you from having a good life, you are just as deserving and capable as every one else, and please remember that you are worth it and people do care, I'm writing this post now because I care and even if you feel like you don't have friends, it's not impossible to make them.

Please don't end it, life can seem cruel but it does get better.

If you would like to speak more, please contact me through PM or AIM Darkeclpsedragon I would be more than happy to talk to you.

 

[Doclector]

That happened to me as well. That's two people who're with you already, so you know you're not alone.

Basically, not fighting back doesn't mean you deserve to be beaten. No innocent person does, but fighting back is the best option in this case. The teachers evidently do not give a crap, so I doubt they'll punish you, and if they do, tell 'em why you had to do it. In any case, it's better than just taking it, most bullies are cowards anyway. I have never seen anyone more scared than the time I fought back. I did go a little...mental, but it's like they never expect it to happen.

Your brother's a dick, let's be straight about that. Nothing wrong with telling your parents on him, and you don't need to listen to him.

Can't say much about the job, but just make him aware of the wisdom of giving you no instructions for a job he needs done fast. If he ain't an idiot, he'll realise he's shooting himself in the foot. Also, you have a job. That's one better than I've managed, and at times like these, with the recession, it's already an achievement to be proud of.

Look, kids are largely assholes. To me, it seems you're already far stronger than most people. Some people say that bullying is good for a person, I would disagree, because it does leave a mark, no doubt about it, but I will say that in future, when things get better, and you will if you just keep making the effort to find and make friends with good people, you'll appreciate it far more than most, and it will feel great. Your aspergers doesn't make you useless, far from it. Many people have said I'm useful to have around, simply because I'll look at things in a way nobody else will, or even can. You've got good things ahead of you, don't give up because of a few morons.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

Please don't end it, life can seem cruel but it does get better.

I hate to be an ass but I call bs.

You left out the part where sometimes it literally doesn't get better, don't throw something like that at someone, because if it fails it only makes the situation worse.

You misunderstand and that's my fault for not being clearer, I rephrase, what I meant was that it does get better IF you make an effort to improve your situation, as the rest of my post implies.

 

[RaikuFA]

I thank you guys but I'm not in school, I grew up with the beatings, I'm still tormented by it though, I had teachers who encouraged the beating in Elementary and Middle school. I want closure but I know it'll never happen. I can't go to college as HS was stressful enough, how do you think college will be with teachers who are on looser leashes?

 

[Beldaros]

I thank you guys but I'm not in school, I grew up with the beatings, I'm still tormented by it though, I had teachers who encouraged the beating in Elementary and Middle school. I want closure but I know it'll never happen. I can't go to college as HS was stressful enough, how do you think college will be with teachers who are on looser leashes?

I'm not american, but college and HS are like two completely seperate worlds. I think people have said enough on giving you advise around life. So I'll concentrate on this part.

High school is hell, no matter where you live, no matter who you are. It's worse for some people, yes, but everyone has a rough time.

College, the teachers are on looser leashes but generally speaking the students are more human. Not all of them, but a lot of them. Honestly, if you want to make friends I think college is a good idea. Go to a college that's far from home and make a fresh start, it's easier than doing it in the real world.

There is more mutual respect between teachers and students and the range of people in college makes it impossible for everyone to be an ass, and usually the asses are called out for being an ass. If you are willing to make a life for yourself you will.

College will get you out of the rut I think. Any back up would be appreciated.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

I thank you guys but I'm not in school, I grew up with the beatings, I'm still tormented by it though, I had teachers who encouraged the beating in Elementary and Middle school. I want closure but I know it'll never happen. I can't go to college as HS was stressful enough, how do you think college will be with teachers who are on looser leashes?

I'm not american, but college and HS are like two completely seperate worlds. I think people have said enough on giving you advise around life. So I'll concentrate on this part.

High school is hell, no matter where you live, no matter who you are. It's worse for some people, yes, but everyone has a rough time.

College, the teachers are on looser leashes but generally speaking the students are more human. Not all of them, but a lot of them. Honestly, if you want to make friends I think college is a good idea. Go to a college that's far from home and make a fresh start, it's easier than doing it in the real world.

There is more mutual respect between teachers and students and the range of people in college makes it impossible for everyone to be an ass, and usually the asses are called out for being an ass. If you are willing to make a life for yourself you will.

College will get you out of the rut I think. Any back up would be appreciated.

I second this, college is WORLDS different than Elementary, Middle and High School. The people in college are older and more mature, you'll fit in better there and you may actually have have a good time, you'll certainly find other gamers. It's great, when Pokemon Heart Gold and Soul Silver came out, the whole school was covered in people playing their DS between classes and everybody had a poke-walker.

Also as said before going to a college farther away will get you away from your family and may give you the education and means to get away from them permanently if you wish.

 

[Galletea]

Remember that for all the people telling you you're weird and need locking up, there are many, many more who would tell you they're wrong.
Most of these people don't even mean the things they say, and at work remember that they don't know you, or anything about you, all they see is their business transaction.
Your brother is being a dick, possibly because he doesn't understand you, but you should talk to your parents about his abusive behaviour and thievery.

Also I second the college idea. People are generally more grown up about the whole thing at college, where high school seems to encourage asshattery. It might be worth seeing if there is someone you can talk to in college to see what they can offer. I don't really know the system there so I couldn't speculate. But it is worth researching your options.

 

[Gigano]

Well, first off, treatment for depression would probably be a good idea.

If you've got asperger then acknowledge your limitations and play your strengths. Aspergers generally suck at small talking and socializing without it being around a particular purpose beyond socializing itself. So find something social to which there is such a clear external purpose - like volunteer work or political campaigning - and there'll be a fixed frame and goal to socialize around achieving. You might not be particularly capable of talking about nothing, but quite a few aspergers have no problem talking substance, and can in fact become respected for their dedicated concentration and attention to detail to the matter at hand.

And collage/university is worlds apart from High School. If people beat each other up there, then it's not a matter for the professors, but for the police.

 

[Zack Alklazaris]

Grade school for me was a nightmare. I literally wanted to die at 11 years old, believe me I completely comprehend your issue.

Grade school and high school suck for us abnormal people. Kids see us as different and they exploit it. They are all trying to become popular, or steer bullies away from them onto others, or channeling their own personal suffering on to others. Some others just find it historical. I do believe its actually gotten worse with the internet because kids are now taking their trolling online personalities to the real world.

I know its stupid, but it will get better in college. Kids grow up. Of course there will always be assholes, but the chances of your peers being by your side greatly improves. Also remember as adults they can be charged for harassment. Someone bullies you in college, call the cops.

I'm sorry your life is so horrific right now. I wish I could swoop in and fix it or tell you it will get better in high school, but thats probably not the case. You will suffer, it will be painful, and you'll hold on to that experience for quite a while. However, once high school is over life gets much better. It really really does.

 

[RaikuFA]

How do I pay for school though? I get paid little to nothing and I get disability but if I go to school they take it away. Loans just get worse as the years go on and its not like I'll get a job even if I graduate. I'm also horrible at studying.

Also, I'm worthless, I can't do anything so am I supposed to waste my time and tuition taking classes till I find one I suck least at?

 

[RavingLibDem]

Dude, I think many of the other people here have posted heartfelt pleas, and I would say that it woudl be foolish to ignore some of the advice that they have given you. I would just like to say that I genuinely believe that you are not worthless, you have been dealt a shitty hand in life so far, but you can find something that you want to do, and that you are good at. It doesn't have to be college, it doesn't have to be retail, but you shall find something that you want to do, and love doing.