Video game characters you'd kick downstairs

[Barbas]

Spoiler: Introduction.

"Well hello there. I didn't see you come in. Do please have a seat by the fireplace. You don't have to cry, it's all right. Dry those tears, because it's time for another thread with Barbas. And you shan't be leaving until it's done."​

Word the fuck up.

As we all should be aware by this stage in our pasty and futile lives, the video game industry is a terrible and divisive place and those who claim otherwise are merely pitifully attempting to disguise their own despair at this undeniably hopeless state of affairs. The blinkered fools. With that in mind, I thought it would be far more in the spirit of the season to turn our thoughts to those characters who played a special part in drawing closed the curtains on a hopeful medium and leaving us all a little closer to death by their action, mannerisms, dress sense or anything, really. I'm going to level with you, I honestly just fancied a good ***** and felt like making it your problem as well. So take my hand, dear reader, and walk with me in the valley of the cynic.

Let us begin by turning our attention to the following monster twats:

Spoiler: Not actually all that frightening.

[HEADING=2]Im Lightning Not That Anybody Cares.[/HEADING]​

Lightning - Thunder's flashier, less impressive sister - is described thusly by Wikipedia:

'This solitary young woman speaks little of herself - even her true name is a mystery. She is known to others simply as "Lightning".' - Online Description

Well, this sounds promising already. As Mr Holmes once famously said, "Do you smell shite, Watson?"

You may be forgiven for thinking that there's little to Lightning beside her Siberian excuse for a personality. You would be most righteous. When the warmest and most human aspect of a protagonist is their spiky pink hair, it's time to go back to the drawing board, hack that drawing board to pieces with a fire-axe, hurl the jagged fragments onto the lawn, pour paraffin oil on them and give them a head-start to Hell. Seven angsty outbursts out of ten. Now go and figure out what a dress sense is.

Spoiler: Hope for the end.

[HEADING=2]My Mom Died Off A Cliff And Now You're All Going To Pay.[/HEADING]​

Don't be fooled, because Hope is one of the other angry young characters with spiky hair. This one is an exile and he decides he wants to kill one of the other characters (who's named after one of the four seasons in a stroke of artistic brilliance worthy of song), because of deeply personal convictions and also to fill time for a bit.

'This is how children work. Never have them.' - Online Description

Unfortunately, many of us never saw Hope's vaunted character arc complete itself because we gave in to the temptation to snap the game disc in half and jab at our arteries with it. Suicide pacts became commonplace on Tumblr and the resulting global hysteria lasted several bleak hours.

Spoiler: *Forced crow fellatio*.

[HEADING=2]H. N. N. N. G. This Is Your Fault All Of It Everything Please Listen To My Story Listen To It Come On Please.[/HEADING]​

That's the sound of Tidus's laugh. How could we possibly forget the damp bundle of warmth and joy that is the star of the Zanarkand Abes? Some have compared him to Harry Potter, but most of those people have now been put to rest. Tidus is what you get when you cross Meg Ryan and Kim Jong Un. With Tidus, audiences worldwide were introduced to the phenomenon known as Blitzball that made them want to lock the protagonist and most of the characters in the game in a dark cell and pay Charles Bronson to terrorize them for hours.

Dramatization:

'Fuck 'em, for fuck's fucking sake. Pissed off now. Fuck it.' - Online Description

For those of you who are still alive, well done. Now tell us which video game characters aren't just bad but made you want to dome them with a toaster.

* * *

"Peace, out."​

 

[Sigmund Av Volsung]

Spoiler: Vivienne

I really dislike Orlesians in Inquisition. Partly because they represent this weird American fascination with pre-revolutionary France( in my opinion at least, France became truly interesting during and after the formation of The Republique), and partly because 'The Great Game' is bullshit. Given the option of just slicing away at nobles in The Winter Palace mission with my sword would eliminate all of that country's problems.

Vivienne personifies this bullshit though. Bioware wanted to write a disapproving character, and that's fine: Morrigan is still a pretty interesting companion because she doesn't instantly approve of everything you do.

Vivienne however, has little to no personality in that regard. She disapproves of everything pro-mage related(being a mage herself, she acknowledges the dangers of magic, but talks about dealing with mages the same way Knight-Commander Meredith did at the end of Dragon Age II), is insufferably smug and condescending, and her story quest chain is just an inconsequential mess. There's also no funny lines or cute interactions with other characters, whatsoever.

If it weren't for Knight-Enchanters being OP in Inquisition, I'd feel content to just kick her out of the party. She is utterly dull and annoying. At least Solas offers an alternate opinion of the use of magic, seldom seen before in the series(and at least you can sympathise with him during his quest chain, since it's been sufficiently built-up), but Vivienne is just ehh.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

Every female party member in Star Ocean 4 minus Reimi, who is forgettable, but at least not annoying. Let's play spot the archetype.

Spoiler: no

Spoiler: no

Spoiler: Hell no

Spoiler: Get her away from me

The male characters aren't much better, this game just overall has a really horrible cast IMO, however this guy also deserves special recognition.

Spoiler

 

[Ravinoff]

Kai Leng in Mass Effect 3. I don't think I can express quite how much I hate that guy. He's a pointless, forced character with no actual substance or importance, not to mention that everything he does implies everyone not directly connected to your squad is an incompetent jackass. Not to mention that you could have easily been rid of him during the Citadel sequence where he jumps on top of your hover-car or whatever it is.

Not to mention that every time he runs into your team (or former members of it), he gets his ass thoroughly kicked. I mean, Thane is dying and still manages to fight him to a standstill.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

Princess Peach. Just to see where things go from there.

 

[sageoftruth]

My entry would be Milla's hair from Tales of Xillia.

Whenever she's on screen that hair is like a massive 3-foot hang nail that no one will bother to clip away. Please, someone get a machete and hack off that massive side-strand.

 

[deleted+75193]

DELETED

 

[Elfgore]

Aiden Pierce- "I'm a gruff, tough guy, who has lost someone important in my past. Wanna know what emotions I'm feeling? Too bad! You can't tell because of my stoic face and emotionless voice." *kicks down stairs*

Every character but Sazh from FF13. "Hope, stop being a whiny *****!" *kicks down stairs* "Snow, think with your brain, not your dick!" *kicks down stairs* "Lightning, stop being a ***** for no reason!" *kicks down stairs* "Vanille, I love your stereotype, but you still make me hate you!" *kicks down stairs*

 

[Adam Jensen_v1legacy]

Dennis from Far Cry 3. The most full of shit guy in the history of the universe. He's so fuckin' annoying with his "I'm a wise black man of the jungle" attitude. He's a fuckin' moron who thinks that escaping from a pirate camp miraculously makes you a warrior. And on top of that he thinks that tattoos have magical powers and that it's OK to tattoo you while you're unconscious. I hate him.

 

[laggyteabag]

Dennis from Far Cry 3. The most full of shit guy in the history of the universe. He's so fuckin' annoying with his "I'm a wise black man of the jungle" attitude. He's a fuckin' moron who thinks that escaping from a pirate camp miraculously makes you a warrior. And on top of that he thinks that tattoos have magical powers and that it's OK to tattoo you while you're unconscious. I hate him.

Actually its a tatau, says Dennis the wise black man of the jungle. (New favourite way of describing him). Besides, I love how fucking accepting Jason was of the tatau. He was captured by pirates, just watched his brother get killed, pirates chased him off a cliff, he almost drowned, and now he is waking up with Dennis, the wise black man of the jungle, jabbing away at his arm giving him a tatau with little to no explanation of what it is or what it is for, and Jason just kind of sucks it up and runs with it. Silly game.

Kai Leng in Mass Effect 3 in how he just shows up with his stupid face with no plot build up, no real memorable motivations, a personality that makes you hate him for all of the wrong reasons, and to top it off, he is covered in so much plot armour, it makes his scenes so laughably stupid. He kills Thane/Major Kirahee because of course he does, he "beats" you at the Asari temple because of course he does, and then you kill him at Cronos station after a really disappointing boss fight (that is practically a repeat of his fight at the Asari temple). Kai Leng is one of the many mistakes that ME3 made. The game would be better off if BioWare just completely forgot about him.

 

[Haerthan]

Princess Peach. Just to see where things go from there.

Son thou didnst do that. Pistols at dawn. Your choice of terrain. I do like a gentlemanly duel once in a while. I shall see thee on the field with my second.

 

[Haerthan]

The char I would kick down the stairs and into a boiling pit of lava would be Carver Hawke from DAII. He is such a whiny ***** it isn't even hilarious. Still saved his ass though when I took him into the Deep Roads, didn't want to have my Hawke mourn that little shit.

Another character I found stupid was the Lieutenant/War Reporter/ PC from Company of Heroes 2, Lev Abramovich Isakovich,. So you are free-thinking Russian now? Christ almighty man did you sign your death warrant or something? You know how the game starts? In a freaking gulag, the idiot awaiting execution, being interrogated by his old CO.

Edit. I only found him stupid. He does actually become horrified at some of the things his comrades do, but he should have kept quiet about it. LIKE THE REST OF THEM, than you wouldn't have to fucking run into fucking SIBERIA.

 

[CharrHearted]

Oh how I love all these people posting their most hated videogame characters who aren't even that bad... your tears are all delicious, especially yours Barbas, my boy. Those three characters are hardly the worst characters in videogaming, Hell lightning and Tidus are actually okay people! Hope isn't that good, atleast not until he's older, when he's a badass, but they're not bad!

I'm just going to enjoy lapping up the tears... tastes good man!

 

[Zykon TheLich_v1legacy]

Well, pretty much any and every animu girl from any and every JRPG (or similar). Some stellar examples have been posted. I've never played a JRPG barring FFVII so I have nothing to go on except the design and even that is enough to make me want to murder every human on the planet, just to make sure I get their creator. Also all the animu dudes for good measure.

Leilana or whatever the fuck her name was. Hated all the characters in DA but she was the worst of them, fucking wet blanket of a woman. The accent didn't help either.

 

[maninahat]

Spoiler: This dweeb

"Oooooh, helllooooooo....allow me to be incredibly boring at you for about ten minutes whilst contributing nothing of value to the story. I want to be the G-man, and could have been an Eldrich tentacle whale, but somehow ended up as an anaethetised Teenage Vampire Diaries character."

 

[Barbas]

Oh how I love all these people posting their most hated videogame characters who aren't even that bad... your tears are all delicious, especially yours Barbas, my boy. Those three characters are hardly the worst characters in videogaming, Hell lightning and Tidus are actually okay people! Hope isn't that good, atleast not until he's older, when he's a badass, but they're not bad!

I'm just going to enjoy lapping up the tears... tastes good man!

Regrettably, I am a manly man's man and, therefore, the only tears I can cry are from my intromittent organ.

But, more to the point, surely there is someone you'd send on short-haul flight to the foyer? I for one would like to know how good young Rosh Penin is at betraying his classmates and crawling between Kyle Katarn's bevelled cheeks with two broken legs and a carpet burn across his forehead.

 

[CharrHearted]

Oh how I love all these people posting their most hated videogame characters who aren't even that bad... your tears are all delicious, especially yours Barbas, my boy. Those three characters are hardly the worst characters in videogaming, Hell lightning and Tidus are actually okay people! Hope isn't that good, atleast not until he's older, when he's a badass, but they're not bad!

I'm just going to enjoy lapping up the tears... tastes good man!

Regrettably, I am a manly man's man and, therefore, the only tears I can cry are from my intromittent organ.

But, more to the point, surely there is someone you'd send on short-haul flight to the foyer? I for one would like to know how good young Rosh Penin is at betraying his classmates and crawling between Kyle Katarn's bevelled cheeks with two broken legs and a carpet burn across his forehead.

Rosh peni-

...

Spoiler

Okay yes, screw Rosh Penin, He is infact a miserable pile of cowdung, how did I ever forget about him?

Spoiler

http://youtu.be/MxwKKsBhRx4?t=2m22s

^ and that is what should happen to him!

 

[Jiggle Counter]

Sonic?

 

[Mr Companion]

Spoiler: This dweeb

"Oooooh, helllooooooo....allow me to be incredibly boring at you for about ten minutes whilst contributing nothing of value to the story. I want to be the G-man, and could have been an Eldrich tentacle whale, but somehow ended up as an anaethetised Teenage Vampire Diaries character."

Oh my goodness yes! He is supposed to represent chaos and madness but all he does is pull you into the Bland Dimension and talk in a flat, disconnected way about things you already know. Apparently there are supposed to be cults based around him which is flabbergasting. They WORSHIP the most boring man in the universe, which I guess makes them somehow more boring. What is that, like, minus interesting? Anti-Fun?

The Overseers are all about hating this guy, which either makes them even dumber or kinda awesome. The fact that they say things like "So are we up for whisky and cigars tonight?" indicates the latter.

 

[EyeReaper]

Well, I'm feeling petty today, so I'm going to say Dark Pit. Fuck that guy.

"Princess Zelda called, She wants her Final Smash back."

and then I'd follow with jumping down the stairs and landing elbow first into his waifu-gut. because I'm apparently in Smashland and can thus do this without repercussion