Video game characters you'd kick downstairs

[MeatMachine]

http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100917011124/finalfantasy/images/0/0d/Ffta-marche.jpg

Here, I am a brave, powerful warrior. In real life, I am a scrawny, shy coward who does not stand up for my own beliefs.

Here, my brother is mobile, caring and eager to help. In real life, he is a guilt-ridden paraplegic to whom others must cater to.

Here, my best friend is incredibly powerful and has shaped a loving community. In real live, he is bullied and victimized to the point of being a paranoid shut-in.

Here, my other friend has a beauty of stark perfection and a troupe of loyal compatriots. In real life, she is humiliated and has no self-esteem.

Here, by best friend's father is a respected authority figure who keeps the peace. In real life, he is an alcoholic struggling to support a family.

THIS IS ALL WRONG, AND I AM GOING TO DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER AGAINST EVERYONE'S WISHES TO DESTROY THIS NEW WORLD.

Also, what the fuck am I wearing, why do I look like this and could this weapon I am holding possibly be any more ludacris and impractical?

 

[Pete Oddly]

Spoiler: This Fucking Knob

I hate this little sniveling, conniving bastard. The sound of his voice is like an earful of bees on PCP.

And

Spoiler: CHUCKY CHUCKY CHUCKY!

Fuck. This. Asshole.

 

[PinkiePyro]

I thought of another ... zinna...

Spoiler: ORAS post elite 4 spoilers

OK she had a good reason for stealing everyone's keystones but she could of at least apologized before she ran off to gods knows where for that matter she had her own why the **** did she need to steal everyone else's could I actually control my character's actions that ***** would of gotten ***** slapped

 

[TristanBelmont]

I know Harry Potter is a book/movie series but I would beat the shit out of Dobby because of how bleedin' annoying he is.

 

[Zipzip the Penguin]

Honestly? The Scout from TF2. He does nothing but talk about himself, never shuts up, never slows down, and is generally a massive prick. Soldier is fine just because he is hilarious and walks his talk, the same goes for Demo and Heavy. The Medic is too damn useful, the Sniper is at least interesting, and the Spy is clever enough to justify being an ass. Scout rubs everything he does in everyone's face. Fuck the Scout.

 

[waj9876]

I'm gonna go with that barmaid in Skyrim, Delphine, who was actually some sort of assassin/super thief or something- a Blade, If I remember correctly. I mean, I like not being the only one doing things in a game world, it makes the place feel alive. But wasting my time by ruining one of my quests, just to derail me, order me around and brag about how you could kill me easily... I pummeled her head into her ribcage as soon as that dragon she wanted me to kill was defeated, and I'll be honest, I only went that far along with her because I assumed I had no choice. I might even have borfed the main timeline, I dunno- I stopped following the plot at around that time to just run around and have fun, and haven't been back to that quest since.

I mean, I appreciate what was being set up, to some extent- showing me I'm a little fish in a big pond, there are other parties involved, etc. And, if I had been playing what I considered a more cerebral character, I would have rolled with it, and accepted my role as not really fully understanding the politics at work behind the scenes just yet. But as a giant, bloodthirsty barbarian Argonian wielding a war-hammer? It was all the attitude that some of the NPCs in that game spout, you just want to smash them... and so, when given the chance? Not gonna shrug it off, say thankee. Besides, I get enough of being thwarted and outdone by people in real life!

Oh fuck yes. Fuck Delphine. It always rubbed me the wrong way how the game goes out of it's way to talk about how much of a badass Delphine is, but to never actually show it. They don't even explain how she does the stuff the game says she can do. Not to mention her entire attitude towards the fucking Dragonborn. The only person capable of stopping the dragons for good.

And I could tolerate all of that and still kind of like her. Up until she asked me to kill Parthurnax for no reason other than simply because one, he is a dragon, and two, he used to work for Alduin. Despite being one of the few reasons Alduin, and the entire dragon apocalypse, was stopped not once, but twice, she wants me to kill him. And if I don't? "Well fuck you Dragonborn! The person my entire order and way of life was formed around. Fuck you for not bending over backwards to do what I ordered you to do! Get the hell out of my sight. My people won't help you any further until you do this."

And even despite all of that, it also comes down to how pointless Delphine is. Did we really need the Blades? I know the game made us side with them, but did we really have to? Did they really play that big of a roll in the grand scheme of things? And even if we truly did need the Blades for some parts, did we really need Delphine specifically?

 

[Micalas]

Princess Peach. Just to see where things go from there.

If we go by her ability in Super Paper Mario she'd just float gently down and that's it and then she's gonna look pissed.

On Topic: That old elf dude from DA:O who sent me on a fucking chase that was irrelevant and I had no interest in. The one where you meet the dryad-boob lady.

Are you talking about Zathrian? The head of the Dalish clan that wanted you to stop the assaults on his camp by the werewoves?

 

[Spaceman Spiff]

Off the top of my head:
-Three Dog - Fallout 3. Sits up in his little radio station and passes judgement on me. At least I'm out doing something. Mr. New Vegas is a way better DJ.
-Tiny Tina - Borderlands 2. Saying random shit and talking urban doesn't make you cute or funny.
-Delphine - Skyrim. She hinders my training with the Greybeards and thinks she's important enough to give me orders.
-Ulysses - Fallout New Vegas. "The Bear...the Bull...the flag on my back...the old world..." The guy is just a nutcase living out in the shittiest part of the wasteland, droning on and on trying to sound deep, and blaming me for something out of my control.

 

[ZeroFarks]

Every character from Far Cry 3 & 4 that tries too hard to be cool and original and every character from every Naughty Dog game.

Damn, beat me to it.

 

[SeventhSigil]

I saw this thread earlier, and came here to bare my soul about this one mofo I looooathe.

Now, in his first title, he wasn't that bad. Well, okay, yeah, he was brutal, violent, grouchy and clearly lacking a sense of humor, but he was driven by the fairly fresh guilt and grief at having lost his family, and had this sort of crazy-man tunnel vision wherein his sole purpose in life was to end his target. It was even admirable, given said target was literally a God, which normally would have filed his vendetta somewhere under 'Yeah, Good Luck Sparky.' But he buckled down, literally went through Hell, and in the end did what had seemed to be the impossible task of killing a God, but from a narrative standpoint, what was most impressive by far was what happened afterwards; how, even with his target dead, his vengeance fulfilled, Kratos felt empty, plagued by his own demons, and sought to end his life dishonorably, by casting himself off a cliff. Only to be rescued- which he didn't want- and given eternal life- which he REALLY didn't want- cursed to basically sit on a gilded throne, alone with his thoughts and without even the promise of death to offer him some specter of hope that things may improve, or that he may see his family again in some form of here-on-after. Fantastic ending, a broken man, sitting in a position of supreme power that still cannot get him what he truly desires.

But when it was time to continue the franchise, what did they do? 'You know, that whole vengeance thing kinda putters out with Ares dead...' 'Maybe we should bring him back?' 'Nawh, too cliched. Maybe we should develop the character, having him forced to deal with his immortality now that he no longer has the fires of vengeance to fuel him, instead turning his violence and wrath towards a different purpose?' '...better idea! Let's have him get all vengeance-y against Zeus!' 'GENIUS!'

So cue God of War II where, in apparent response to Kratos acting like a complete dick, Zeus essentially tries to gank him, thus leading Kratos to basically yell 'KHAAAAAAAAAAAN!' and embark on a bloody crusade that colossally fucked up the planet. He murdered not only the gods- which, admittedly, were pretty dick-ish themselves- but of course rarely showed compunctions about killing mortals. Certain priestess of Poseidon, anyone? 'Here, you hold this door for me! Kbai!'

In essence, the protagonist of God of War was really, let's face it, the antagonist, and normally this would be fine; I don't always want to play the good guy, being the villain can be fun. But the problem I had was the developers couldn't even really COMMIT to 'Kratos Is The Bad Guy' as a concept, as they tossed in the explanation that Zeus had gone all gank-y on him not JUST because he feared being overthrown, (which does at least have some small basis in mythology, prophecy blah blah blah) but because 'He Had Been Corrupted By MumblePlotMcGuffin.' As opposed to the rather more accurate, from a mythological perspective, viewpoint of 'Well, Kratos is being a total dick, stepping out of line, and is basically out of control, so Zeus bitchslapped him, and now Kratos' psycho tendencies have found a new target.' Instead of just portraying Kratos as, essentially, the Darth Vader of the Greek Pantheon, taking a relatively orderly and ancient organization and tearing them down to the ground 'Because Bad Feels,' they try to justify what he's doing, saying 'Oh, sure he's basically gouging out Poseidon's eyes with his thumbs, but dudes, Zeus TOTES started this, and also is corrupted with evil box magic, so Kratos is a-okay!'

Don't even get me started on God of War 3, where Kratos finally goes through that big, drawn out personal inner metamorphosis, symbolized with blood washing clean, etc, etc.... aaaaand beats Zeus to death with his bare hands thirty seconds later.

I know they're working on a new God of War, fingers crossed that either Kratos isn't the main character, or they at least don't plan to just find him a NEW new target to declare a vendetta upon.

 

[ObserverStatus]

Tyrande Whisperwind - WarCraft III. I cannot believe how stupid this woman is. She's so stupid it's pathetic, how the fuck did she get to be the supreme leader of the night elves for 10,000 years without running their civilization into the ground? When she first notices that humans and orcs are in her woods, she straight up murders them all. I can understand why she would still be mad at the orcs for the whole murdering Cenarius thing, even though he kind of had it coming. I mean seriously? He's going to murder them all over a bunch of trees? Trees that he can restore instantaneously? What was wrong with him? But he was kinda their god, so I can understand the night elves holding a grudge, but, she really had no reason to be killing the humans. Later on in the campaign she notices that the humans and orcs are fighting the undead and demons, and for a moment she considers working together with them, but then she says "Nah, fuck that. We may have a common enemy threatening to destroy our whole world, but I'm just going to keep sacrificing my troops to murder orcs and humans anyway." And then, after deciding that orcs and humans weren't good enough to be her allies, she decides to release Illidan, because an insanely powerful being who betrayed her world to the demons 10,000 years ago was the perfect ally to fight against said demons. For reasons she never really explains. Tyrande pissed me off so much the last time I played WarCraft III, I can't really say I blame Maev for trying to feed her to the undead.

 

[Pseudonym]

Well, I actually stopped playing Fire Emblem: Awakening after a couple of hours due to all the charactars involved being incompetent, whiny, egotistical, shortsighted dipshits more worried about who slept with whom than about the imminent threath to the country they were supposed to be protecting.

And I just started playing Zelda: Phantom Hourglass and there is this guy called Linebeck. At least the FE:A charactars where just stupid but they weren't overtly bad people from what I saw but this guy. Link should kick the *sputters insults* down a stairs straight into the ocean where he would drown because he no doubt can't even swim just like he can't do anything else. He is cowardly, treacherous, vain and useless and he tried to steal a map from me which I took out of a temple with risk to my own life just because he wants a bit of money. Link should just kill the thieving scum and take his boat. In Wind Waker I could be alone on the seas with a talking boat who was a) cool and b) would shut the f*** up. Now I'm a goddamn tourist with a sleazy ,pretentious, moronic guide showing me around.

 

[Neonsilver]

Kai Leng was already mentioned a few times and I have to agree, his plotarmor is really annoying.

Anders in Dragon Age 2. Mostly because of his terrorist attack at the end of the game, combined with the poor design choice to make him the only healer (if you don't play mage).

 

[TakerFoxx]

Tyrande Whisperwind - WarCraft III. I cannot believe how stupid this woman is. She's so stupid it's pathetic, how the fuck did she get to be the supreme leader of the night elves for 10,000 years without running their civilization into the ground? When she first notices that humans and orcs are in her woods, she straight up murders them all. I can understand why she would still be mad at the orcs for the whole murdering Cenarius thing, even though he kind of had it coming. I mean seriously? He's going to murder them all over a bunch of trees? Trees that he can restore instantaneously? What was wrong with him? But he was kinda their god, so I can understand the night elves holding a grudge, but, she really had no reason to be killing the humans. Later on in the campaign she notices that the humans and orcs are fighting the undead and demons, and for a moment she considers working together with them, but then she says "Nah, fuck that. We may have a common enemy threatening to destroy our whole world, but I'm just going to keep sacrificing my troops to murder orcs and humans anyway." And then, after deciding that orcs and humans weren't good enough to be her allies, she decides to release Illidan, because an insanely powerful being who betrayed her world to the demons 10,000 years ago was the perfect ally to fight against said demons. For reasons she never really explains. Tyrande pissed me off so much the last time I played WarCraft III, I can't really say I blame Maev for trying to feed her to the undead.

To say nothing of her pretty much giving Malfurion the finger when he tells her that freeing Illidan is a fucking bad idea, MURDERING HER OWN PEOPLE WHO WERE ONLY DOING THEIR JOB IN ORDER TO DO SO, A JOB MALFURION HIMSELF GAVE THEM, Letting Illidan GO when (surprise!) he gets power hungry again and turns into a demonic abomination (though to be fair, that was mostly Malfurion's fault) thereby dooming several of her people when Illidan brings the Naga into the fight, and when Maiev finally calls her out on her bullshit, she gets all haughty and goes, "You can't judge me!" *****, you broke into her home, murdered her friends, and released the person she had been charged with keeping imprisoned and now all these people are dead and the world endangered because of you! Yes, she has every fucking right to judge you!

Then Malfurion does his bullshit "Tyrande is more important than anything" switch at the end and lets Illidan go. Gee, I wonder how that's going to turn out? Seriously, fuck them both. Overzealous or not, Maiev was the real hero of the Night Elves' campaign.

 

[Flammablezeus]

Handsome Jack. Sure, Borderlands was hardly about the story in the first place, but come on. It's like they told an illiterate 10 year old kid to write the most dastardly villain that they could and then used his first crayon-scrawled draft. Borderlands 2 was okay with a friend, but every time Handsome Jack spoke, my brain tried to escape my body.

 

[Raika]

Kefka Palazzo, the antagonist of Final Fantasy VI, bores and irritates me. I would kick him down a flight of stairs, but he'd probably like it. On the other hand, any wounds he attains on the way down would inevitably be met by the infectious saliva of his inexplicable rampant fan base (he is, without question, the most popular character in the Final Fantasy series), and he might catch a disease from that.

Hazama from BlazBlue is essentially a Frankenstein's monster of traits that thirteen-year-old boys think are edgy and cool, but the end result is a character who tries way, way, way, way too hard to look and sound like an archetypal villain. He even wears a fucking fedora. Crikey.

Dragon Age: Origins features a character named Alistair, who is a smug, preening, immature, self-obsessed, completely unlikable moron. He's essentially a Joss Whedon character (for Joss Whedon has only one character that he writes hundreds of times). I spend the entire game treating him like dog shit, and then...

Spoiler

I send him to the guillotine so I can recruit Loghain Bad ************ Mac Tir instead.

Also, y'all need to leave Hope and Vanille alone. They're hidden behind a thick sheen of my rampant fangirl adoration.

 

[Johnny Impact]

One of the jarls in Skyrim has a kid that talks shit to you when you visit. I wanted to install the kid-killing mod just so I could sizzle his tiny pink ass into bacon.

Spoiler: Wizards FTW.

[img /]http://bottledgoose.net/gifs/ROTJ-ForceLightning.gif[/img]

Dante from Devil May Cry. He's like a parody of edginess. Every time he opens his I'm-too-cool-for-my-angst twat mouth I want to punch him in it.

Aeris from FF7. Yeah, I said it. The freakin' world is ending and she's like, "Hey, pretty flowers!" I found her annoying, more so when she died and I realized this was supposed to be the big heart-wrenching moment where we learned there was nothing so pure or innocent or good that Sephiroth wouldn't kill it. Yawn.

 

[PainInTheAssInternet]

Max Payne as portrayed in Max Payne 3. At which point he'd go into bullet time and shoot me right through the eyes before landing perfectly on his back. Then he'd whine about how he scuffed his shoes and how much of a fuck-up he is now that he needs some shoe polish. He'd repeat this line of thought for several hours, before, during and after fixing his shoes. He would then proceed to hang around more stairs populated by people agitated by his constant whinging going on about how he is unable to stop himself from doing so.

 

[Arshaq13]

Lately?
Vivienne from Dragon Age Inquisition.

I will admit, my male dalish elf inquisitor was a bit charmed by her at Val Royeaux at the start but after a while it just becomes so very clear that she thinks that restoring the world as it was(that nearly tore itslelf to pieces) is the best way to rebuild the future into.
I utterly despise Orlais aristocracy and 'The Game' as they call it and that's all she pretty much is about.

She does state she has good intentions when she joins your cause and she does have an incredible specialization tree but through banter you figure that she pretty much has a 'I pretty much look down on them' remark for nearly EVERY OTHER COMPANION you have. Seriously, I don't think she really likes anyone.

Also:

Spoiler

Through a normal conversation at Skyhold, she asks about Leliana's and Cassandra's chances of becoming Divine, it became quite clear that she was toying with the idea of being Divine herself in the conversation. Towards the end of the main playthrough for me, there was a cutscene at Skyhold with her and this high priestess. Viv makes you greet them and depending on how you choose, you can greet them formally with some respect. HOWEVER! She only did this so that the priestess can have a good impression of you and the inquisition to further her chances of becoming divine. She straight up used you(again, depending on your playthrough I think). I'm glad Cassandra got elected to the Sunburst Throne. My ending would have felt totally incomplete if Vivienne was Divine.

Sorry for the rant, I just finished the main questline and all of this had just happened. It made my blood truly boil.

 

[bluerocker]

Another one to add to the list is Nowe. Aka. this fuck-up right here:

Spoiler

Hello there fellow Drakengard fan! I see you made this wonderful post here, and have come to express my regret at your beating me to the punch, as well as a tip of the hat for acknowledging this asshat first.

That said, I also elect Verdelet the priest to get kicked down some stairs.

Spoiler: This asshole

Does nothing but wail about the seals you're supposed to be protecting, preaches genocide of sub-human races because he doesn't like them (rather than attacking them on grounds of being the enemy army's forces), and is generally useless; even while bearing a pact like the rest of the main party. I'm so glad Caim had him killed off between Drakengard 1 and 2.