Video game conspiracy theories

[Quingfang]

In the wee hours of the morning, when my body is awake and my brain clearly disagrees with the concept, I occasionally have small bursts of incredible paranoia. Not nearly enough that I begin to distrust anything that actually matters, but more of just, "what if ____ company was trying to pull a fast one on us?" And not in the stereotypical "EA = jerks" kind of fashion, more along the lines of something that could make sense if your brain squints hard enough, but is most certainly not true. Case in point:

What if Half-Life 2E3/Half-Life 3 is actually finished, or has been finished for some time, and Valve is merely trying to think of another bundle package for it? The most recent installment came in the Orange Box, complete with Team Fortress 2 and Portal, two smash hits. What if to make up for the time between installments, Valve is just tying to draft up new titles to lump with the long-since completed Half-Life title?

Or:

What if there is no Zelda timeline? And I don't mean in the "what if Nintendo had never planned for a timeline until much later," which I agree with, but that the games can be explained without use of a timeline. Perhaps Nintendo will eventually reveal that it all makes sense in a more simplified sort of way, like the Mistelling Theory, where each Zelda game is the same tale told by a different person, which is why the subtler details tend to differ. Sometimes you have a horse, sometimes it's a boat, sometimes you're even a wolf, but at the end of the day, Link beats Ganon with Master Sword and Boomerang to rescue some blonde lady.

So, lovely Escapist community, do you have any odd theories like these?

 

[FalloutJack]

The real Mario has been dead for several years and the one who's been talking is really a stand-in. Luigi is also suspected of hollowing out the old one's body in an attempt to seize his career popularity, but the case was never proven. The reason the princess keeps getting abducted so many times is because the people of the mushroom kingdom are high...on themselves.

There is no legend of Zelda. Link has been in an insane asylum for years, thanks to a bad drug trip he had way back when. Turns out Ganon was created by a bad case of food poisoning with improperly-cooked pork and Zelda was some girl in high school that turned him down. (Yes, that's Hyrule High, thank you very much.) This goes a long way to explain why he never talks, but instead shouts alot.

Samus Aran's supposed traumatic past with Ridley is a dodge. She uses it to deflect any and all accusations of going way too far and killing everything during missions with her exceptional Chozo arsenal. The fact that Ridley cannot actually speak in his own defense and that all facilities belonging to space pirates tend to blow up make this ultimately suspicious. It's also VERY convenient that all the Chozo are dead as well...

For years, Megaman has been straining to break his programming because Dr. Light had imposed Isaac Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics to prevent him from killing Dr. Wily...which would've been the simplest way of keeping him from always coming back. Megaman will succeed and become the REAL first Maverick, not Zero. He'll also be responsible for the unknown cataclysm that befell that world before the Megaman X continuity. No word yet on whether X is really the original Megaman playing dumb to fool the others.

Solid Snake is secretly dominating the world. Capitalizing on how Liquid Snake came back to life as a freaking ARM on Revolver Ocelot, he began to secretly spread his cells to other people by coughing on them while pretending to look old. Otacon is in on it too. That's why he's assisting Snake using a refugee from Snatcher, waiting to see if anyone actually puts it all together.

Metaknight is really an evil alternate universe version of Kirby. Behind that mask, he has a goatee and pointy eyebrows. That is, except when he's needed to pose AS Kirby...since Kirby was unfortunately killed when he accidentally swallowed the head of Dynamite Heady. King Dedede is not a king, but in fact a Duke. He never went by that name because there was no way in hell anyone would tolerate the name 'Duke Dedede'.

Donkey Kong, Godzilla, and Saberwulf switched places with George, Lizzie, and Ralph of Rampage games and nobody noticed. This eventually led to the Video Game Exchange program that allowed for strange cameos and crossovers, and inevitably led to Smash Brothers games. Bomberman is currently wanted for attacking Nintendo HQ for never letting HIM in that, and for allowing Wario into his world.

 

[Ruzinus]

The Legend of Zelda is Aryan propaganda.

Roger Ebert brainwashed Bioware and is the true mastermind behind the Mass Effect 3 ending.

Phantasy Star IV isn't actually "The End of the Millenium." It takes place 998 years after Phantasy Star II, not a thousand. Innocent if misleading naming choice, or conspiracy to shift public perception of Millenia and increase the number of people claiming crazy things about the Mayan calender?

Polybius.

 

[Diablo1099_v1legacy]

This is a good one, sorry if this seems low content but the Pic says it all:

 

[hoboman29]

I know this sounds like an EA=jerks thing but the reason Devil May Cry 3 was that Capcom knew it would be too hard and could release the special edition to make more money.

If Street Fighter 3 takes place after Street Fighter 4 how come Akuma can't use oni form?

The events of Timesplitters 2 would most likely destroy the world rather than save it because of time paradoxes.

 

[Quingfang]

This is a good one, sorry if this seems low content but the Pic says it all:

So wait... I don't think I quite follow the logic of that. I'm not trying to be dismissive, I just think I'm missing something since it's been a while since I've had interaction with the Kanto Pokemon plot. He steals the Silph Scope to combat ghosts, and I suppose that makes sense, but why was Mewtwo created at all, by that logic?

 

[Richardplex]

This is a good one, sorry if this seems low content but the Pic says it all:

So wait... I don't think I quite follow the logic of that. I'm not trying to be dismissive, I just think I'm missing something since it's been a while since I've had interaction with the Kanto Pokemon plot. He steals the Silph Scope to combat ghosts, and I suppose that makes sense, but why was Mewtwo created at all, by that logic?

To bring a near-extinct pokemon back? Quite a noble goal really.

 

[Dutchj]

This is a good one, sorry if this seems low content but the Pic says it all:

So wait... I don't think I quite follow the logic of that. I'm not trying to be dismissive, I just think I'm missing something since it's been a while since I've had interaction with the Kanto Pokemon plot. He steals the Silph Scope to combat ghosts, and I suppose that makes sense, but why was Mewtwo created at all, by that logic?

To bring a near-extinct pokemon back? Quite a noble goal really.

First of all, the entire theory is flawed as there was no actual connection between Giovanni and Mewtwo in the games. Mewtwo was created by the crew of the burned down laboratory on Cinnabar Island. The only people we know who were involved are Blaine and Mr. Fuji.

The actual theory is stating that Giovanni was using the Silph Scope in order to catch ghost Pokémon, which he could then use to fight and capture Mewtwo, who had escaped from him sometime after Giovanni created him. But as I said, Giovanni never created Mewtwo in the first place. That bit was added in the anime.

 

[targren]

Perhaps Nintendo will eventually reveal that it all makes sense in a more simplified sort of way, like the Mistelling Theory, where each Zelda game is the same tale told by a different person, which is why the subtler details tend to differ

That's always been how I took it, anyway (with the obvious exception of Zelda->Zelda II). It makes much more sense than the bogus retconned "forked timeline" BS they try to pass off now.

 

[Quingfang]

This is a good one, sorry if this seems low content but the Pic says it all:

So wait... I don't think I quite follow the logic of that. I'm not trying to be dismissive, I just think I'm missing something since it's been a while since I've had interaction with the Kanto Pokemon plot. He steals the Silph Scope to combat ghosts, and I suppose that makes sense, but why was Mewtwo created at all, by that logic?

To bring a near-extinct pokemon back? Quite a noble goal really.

First of all, the entire theory is flawed as there was no actual connection between Giovanni and Mewtwo in the games. Mewtwo was created by the crew of the burned down laboratory on Cinnabar Island. The only people we know who were involved are Blaine and Mr. Fuji.

The actual theory is stating that Giovanni was using the Silph Scope in order to catch ghost Pokémon, which he could then use to fight and capture Mewtwo, who had escaped from him sometime after Giovanni created him. But as I said, Giovanni never created Mewtwo in the first place. That bit was added in the anime.

Ahhh, gotcha! I had never played the Gameboy games and had only seen the first Pokemon movie some time ago, so I didn't have the "canon information," so to speak. Thanks for the clarification

 

[Fappy]

No one has mentioned Indoctrination Theory yet? Really?

I personally believe Kirby is a cannibalistic anarchist who is trying to commit genocide on the inhabitants of Dream Land. Deedeedee needs to the Star Rod to save his world from the monster.

 

[Aarowbeatsdragon]

One that i came up with is that new super mario bros 2 is set before every other mario game. Essentially the first game in its timeline. The reason for this is because there are tons of coins in this one, and the reason why there arnt as many in the future games is because this mario took them all for himself.

 

[Donnie Restad]

The truth about Half-Life 3 is that they can't figure out a good box art for it, especially after terrible job they did for the Orange Box. The entire company of Valve is split into a bitter feud about whether they should put the lambda in the center of the logo with a 3 in the corner, or the other way around.

 

[Lord Mountbatten Reborn]

No one has mentioned Indoctrination Theory yet? Really?

Spoiler: Why would they when it's definitely real and not a conspiracy theory?

OT: I can just picture Bobby Kotick in a baseball cap sat in his soda can-littered room that smells faintly of marijuana with his buddies playing Halo multiplayer.

 

[Vegosiux]

Zombie apocalypse games exist to lull us into a false sense of security (we're so totally prepared for the apocalypse and all) that when the apocalypse comes for real, we'll get thoroughly gnawed to death before we realize that the sense of security was false.

 

[Quingfang]

The truth about Half-Life 3 is that they can't figure out a good box art for it, especially after terrible job they did for the Orange Box. The entire company of Valve is split into a bitter feud about whether they should put the lambda in the center of the logo with a 3 in the corner, or the other way around.

Haha that's pretty good, too! They've got a neat little bundle of games all prepared and ready to go, just that box art... the Greek alphabet is tearing us apart!

Zombie apocalypse games exist to lull us into a false sense of security (we're so totally prepared for the apocalypse and all) that when the apocalypse comes for real, we'll get thoroughly gnawed to death before we realize that the sense of security was false.

And apparently Valve is breeding supermutants and zombies, a'la Left 4 Dead, and their so-called training simulator is just teaching us how hard it is to find three other people that you can get along with in a doomsday situation.

 

[saintdane05]

Duke Nukem is gay.

Back around before his womanizing asshole days (DN1 and DN2), Duke was a man in a pink sweater who watched Oprah. Eventually, he discovered his homosexuality- and was horrified. Not wanting to be seen as a pansy, he became the asshole we love was during the day, and the flamer he truly is. The problem is that the world of prostitutes, steroids, and burly muscles enveloped our poor hero, turning his fake asshole person into his true one. Duke never recovered.

However, a small part of the true, gay Duke lives on. Notice how in DNF you can see a picture of a muscular chest in the bathroom. This might not seem like anything. "It's probably his own!" you all cry. But if it is his own chest, why doesn't he display it? Why doesn't he show it off? The answer is simple: Its not. He faps to the last connection to his own life every night. And then cries, hoping to one day escape the closet.

 

[krazykidd]

Square-enix is purposely sabotaging their Final Fantasy games because they are tired of making them .

EA wants to make the world Videogame free .

Peppy is Fox's real dad .

 

[TallestGargoyle]

Perhaps Nintendo will eventually reveal that it all makes sense in a more simplified sort of way, like the Mistelling Theory, where each Zelda game is the same tale told by a different person, which is why the subtler details tend to differ

That's always been how I took it, anyway (with the obvious exception of Zelda->Zelda II). It makes much more sense than the bogus retconned "forked timeline" BS they try to pass off now.

And the Wind Waker sequels

 

[WhiteFangofWhoa]

The Happy Mask Salesman from Majora's Mask taught you the song of healing, which transforms the souls of the dying into transformative masks for his collection. He has Mario, Elvis and Darth Maul masks among others. So Mario died a long time ago from some hazard on his adventures. Not only that, but whenever he dies again for the umpteenth time he just has to find someone else and slip that mask onto them... occasionally doing the same with the Elvis mask, which explains the sightings.

Again, Kirby. All the final bosses of his games have been categorized as 'eldritch abominations', usually masses of darkness with a single huge eye, but he qualifies for that too. Devouring all in his wake in his first game, assimilating the appearances and skills of whomever he eats in the second... and after that he learned the power to turn anyone he eats and spits back out into a devoted ally against their will. And in one of his recent games he learned to make clones of himself! Yet, because he is so cute and childlike, people will ignore his hunger sprees until it is too late and we will all become 'Helpers'.

EA is trying to bring about a second gaming market crash by buying up all the hottest companies into mergers and putting their own staff in key positions to gradually worsen the quality of upcoming releases as time goes by. After that's done they can revert them back to their old selves and collect a fortune from public grateful for something as good as the pre-EA days.