Wait, what? That really happened?

[intheweeds]

Did anything happen that wasn't due to a war? I wish i had something to contribute.

Ummm...
In Toronto we have this idiot furniture salesman with a very stupid catchphrase and a monkey in all his commercials - Mel Lastman. Well we liked his furniture so we um... well, we sort off...umm.. *shuffles feet embarrased*... elected him Mayor.
Here he is, campaigning in his stupid store:
http://media.thestar.topscms.com/images/24/d3/5dd5a35e436896ce554f594281be.jpeg
That's our Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty in the background. The whole thing worked out about as well as you would imagine. Assuming you imagined it would go very poorly.

EDIT: This counts as historical since this was quite a few years ago now... we got rid of him eventually.

 

[Extraintrovert]

Absolutely anything on the website Badass of the Week ([link]http://www.badassoftheweek.com/[/link]), while it's authentictiy is quite obviously dubious, the writer does take the effort to do plenty of research, and in any case is worthy of all the "holy shit"s the planet has to offer. Some of the things humans have done are beyond comprehension. My absolute favourite, however, are Audie Murphy and Simo Hayha.

Audie Murphy is probably best known for the film To Hell and Back, in which he plays himself, depicting his career during World War II. What is not as well known is that he specifically requested that his feats be toned down in the film, otherwise he would risk being called a liar. Yes, what he actually did was too badass to be shown in a Hollywood film. One only needs to look at the amount of decorations he received to understand that.

As for Simo Hayha, he was one of the many people called to arms when the Soviet Union attempted to invade Finland, the same Winter War mentioned in this thread. In it, Hayha become quite probably the deadliest person in history, killing more than seven hundred people in a war that lasted about a hundred days, most of the them using an old hunting rifle with iron sights. The Russians were terrified of him and did everything they could to stop him. They sent soldiers after him; Hayha killed them. They sent a specialist team of anti-sniper snipers after him; Hayha killed them. They sent fucking artillery strikes against where they thought he was; Hayha escaped, then killed the artillery strike. Then he was shot in the face with an explosive round, which not only didn't kill him, he was fit and ready in a few weeks. Unfortunately, by then the war was over (I like to think the Russians surrendered because they heard Hayha was back).

EDIT: Ninja'd on Hayha. Which is good, because more people need to know who he is.

 

[Slash Dementia]

Vlad Dracula was going to be raped by a sultan, who liked to rape boys and who also raped his brother. During the struggle, Vlad either killed or hurt the sultan and got away. At some later point, he went returned home (I think), and found his brother and father murdered.

I heard this in some documentary, but my mind is a little iffy right now, so I'm not sure of my details, besides that they were that or really close to it.

Also, his wive committed suicide by jumping off of his castle to avoid being caught by Turks.

He led a really horrible life, and maybe that made him to be so violent. I actually felt bad for Vlad while watching the video.

 

[TheIronRuler]

Vlad Dracula was going to be raped by a sultan, who liked to rape boys and who also raped his brother. During the struggle, Vlad either killed or hurt the sultan and got away. At some later point, he went returned home (I think), and found his brother and father murdered.

I heard this in some documentary, but my mind is a little iffy right now, so I'm not sure of my details, besides that they were that or really close to it.

Also, his wive committed suicide by jumping off of his castle to avoid being caught by Turks.

He led a really horrible life, and maybe that made him to be so violent. I actually felt bad for Vlad while watching the video.

Really?
People being executed by making them sit on a huge spike and letting the spike go through their bodies and exit via their mouth didn't register as a memory, but his wife's suicide did?

 

[Player 2]

Did anything happen that wasn't due to a war? I wish i had something to contribute.

Ummm...
In Toronto we have this idiot furniture salesman with a very stupid catchphrase and a monkey in all his commercials - Mel Lastman. Well we liked his furniture so we um... well, we sort off...umm.. *shuffles feet embarrased*... elected him Mayor.
Here he is, campaigning in his stupid store:
http://media.thestar.topscms.com/images/24/d3/5dd5a35e436896ce554f594281be.jpeg
That's our Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty in the background. The whole thing worked out about as well as you would imagine. Assuming you imagined it would go very poorly.

EDIT: This caounts as hisyorical since this was quite a few years ago now... we got rid of him eventually.

There's a story earlier on in the thread about why Hartlepool get called the monkey hangers, you should probably read that before reading the next bit if you haven't already.

In 2002, Stuart Drummond campaigned for the office of Mayor of Hartlepool in the costume of Angus the Monkey and narrowly won; he used the election slogan "free bananas for schoolchildren", a promise he was unable to keep. He has since been re-elected twice. At least your guy wasn't dressed as a monkey.

 

[Hamhandderhard]

Check this cool mofo out

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roman_Ungern_von_Sternberg

 

[Canned Spam]

In the early 20th century(I forget which year) there were two registered cars in Ohio. They crashed into each other.

 

[The Funslinger]

Gonorrhea is called "the clap" because world war 1 soldiers who caught it used to get the gunge out their dicks by flopping them out on a table and hammering it out with the butts of their rifles.

 

[Slash Dementia]

Vlad Dracula was going to be raped by a sultan, who liked to rape boys and who also raped his brother. During the struggle, Vlad either killed or hurt the sultan and got away. At some later point, he went returned home (I think), and found his brother and father murdered.

I heard this in some documentary, but my mind is a little iffy right now, so I'm not sure of my details, besides that they were that or really close to it.

Also, his wive committed suicide by jumping off of his castle to avoid being caught by Turks.

He led a really horrible life, and maybe that made him to be so violent. I actually felt bad for Vlad while watching the video.

Really?
People being executed by making them sit on a huge spike and letting the spike go through their bodies and exit via their mouth didn't register as a memory, but his wife's suicide did?

It did. I just didn't post that because I thought it was was he's known for. I wanted to post something different about him. It's not that him doing executing people and leaving them outside to strike fear in other armies didn't register.

Dracula once nailed a man's turban to his head because the man refused to take it off when he went inside of his castle. He told the man that now he'll have his beloved turban on his head forever.

 

[teebeeohh]

Frederick William I. of Prussia build the most powerful army in Europe(since the British army was running around all over the world) and never once went to war. He also recruited men from all over Europe for a special regiment. What was so special about all those people, all natural born killers? No, they were at least 185cm tall.

 

[jprf]

The Pig War is one of the strangest ones I've ever heard.
Basically, in 1859 an Irish farmer's pig ate an American farmer's potatoes on a disputed island off the coast of the USA.
The American shot the pig, so the Irishman called the police. The American did the same, and it eventually escalated into a stand-off between 5 battleships of the Royal Navy and 500 US Army soldiers. The commanders of each side realised that a pig probably wasn't worth fighting over, so for a few days the opposing forces just shouted insults at each other, until the matter was resolved when the President of the US (yes, the president got involved in a farming dispute) and a high ranking British general came to an agreement.
The pig was the only casualty.
More information here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pig_War

 

[ThisIsSnake]

Despite having a tiny fraction (about a tenth I think) of the manpower, and none of the helicopters or armour support, Finland beat the Russian attack on them in WW2 massively. It's known as the winter war and I think it was about 10-1 casualities wise. Go Finns!

Also a monkey was hanged at Hartlepool because they thought it was a french spy.

You forgot to mention to most awesome part of the Finnish defense.

One lone sniper that killed off 2 battalions of troops, 1 TANK battalion, and survived an area of effect carpet bombing AIMED SOLELY AT HIM. And after being in a coma, survived the war.

Look up: Simo Hayha

I know of him too.
He killed hundreds of enemy soldiers with a bolt-action (mosin-nagant) rifle with iron sights.

"The White Death of Finland" one of the great soldiers of the war, along with the Scottish soldier that brought a FREAKING CLAYMORE SWORD into battle, and taunted German soldiers with his bagpipes. YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS UP.

Look up: John Malcolm Thorpe Fleming "Jack" Mother Fucking Churchill

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Churchill

Good old Mad Jack, not only did he wear a kilt, play the bagpipes and carry a claymore but he got a confirmed longbow kill in WW2.

I'll offer this; its quite long.

<spoiler=Napoleon's Battle of the Bunnies>Resting from his labors after rearranging the geography of Europe in the aftermath of the Peace of Tilsit (July 7-9, 1807), Napoleon proposed that the Imperial Court engage in a rabbit hunt, entrusting the arrangements to his brilliant chief-of-staff, Alexandre Berthier.

Using all the energy and attention to detail with which he normally managed the Emperor?s campaigns, Berthier soon had everything in order. The Imperial hunting party ? numerous enough to be mistaken for a regiment ? would be sustained by a logistical train to provide a lucullan repast under an elaborate tent, while large details of gun bearers, game keepers, and beaters would be available to lend a hand. Leaving nothing to chance, Berthier even arranged to insure the supply of rabbits, procuring some hundreds, lest nature fail to cooperate in providing sufficient targets for the Imperial pleasure.

And so, on the designated day, the Emperor proceeded in his coach to the appointed place, escorted by Guardsmen, Equerries, and various others of his household, and followed by a host of kings, marshals, barons, generals, counts, and lesser folk. But something went wrong. As the Imperial conveyance approached the designated killing fields, the game keepers began releasing the rabbits. When the Emperor dismounted, much to everyone?s surprise, the lepine horde, rather than fleeing in all directions, made straight for him, in all their hundreds.

Confronted by this flood of rabbits, the Emperor?s escort formed a skirmish line to protect him. But, in the words of historian David Chandler, ?with a finer understanding of Napoleonic strategy than most of his generals, the rabbit horde divided into two wings and poured around the flanks of the party.? As the Emperor fled to the relative safety of his coach, the rabbits pursued, some allegedly even leaping into it, so that he had to lend a hand in ejecting them even as his coachmen whipped up their horses.

In the aftermath, it transpired that Berthier, despite all his attention to detail, had procured not wild rabbits, but domesticated ones. Thus, when they espied the Emperor and his coach coming towards them, they though he was their keeper bringing good things to eat and acted accordingly.

 

[silver wolf009]

In the early 20th century(I forget which year) there were two registered cars in Ohio. They crashed into each other.

That is just so much fail it's win. It broke the fail-o-meter!

OT: The Soviet Union made plans for the Tsar bomb. The biggest bomb ever. They never made a complete model. In the Cold War, the Soviet Union, decided that it was a bit excessive, and made one half the size.

 

[Spoonius]

Did you know that a dog was once sentenced to death by stoning because the judge feared it was the re-incarnation of a dead lawyer? How far back in the dim mists of time, when superstition and fear of witchcraft held sway, do you think this bizarre event took place? 100 years? 200 years? Wrong. Saturday.
[link]http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-13819764[/link]

To be fair though, they thought it was a reincarnated laywer. Better to be safe than sorry.

 

[Harry Mason]

...

I want to drown in beer.

It's not particularly difficult to believe, but I've always loved the one where Victorian era ladies used to keep jars of bees in their powder rooms so they could grab one before a social event and sting their lips to make them puffy and sexy. There's just something about the combination of ancient botox, imprisonment of live animals in a dressing room, and the idea of "suffering for fashion" coming to fruition so literally that makes me giggle whenever I think about it.

 

[MasterOfWorlds]

I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, the War of Jenkins' Ear.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/War_of_Jenkins%27_Ear

Yep, a war that started because a Spanish coast guard unit boarded a British ship and severed the man's ear.

 

[William MacKay]

Despite having a tiny fraction (about a tenth I think) of the manpower, and none of the helicopters or armour support, Finland beat the Russian attack on them in WW2 massively. It's known as the winter war and I think it was about 10-1 casualities wise. Go Finns!

Also a monkey was hanged at Hartlepool because they thought it was a french spy.

You forgot to mention to most awesome part of the Finnish defense.

One lone sniper that killed off 2 battalions of troops, 1 TANK battalion, and survived an area of effect carpet bombing AIMED SOLELY AT HIM. And after being in a coma, survived the war.

Look up: Simo Hayha

505 confirmed kills.
Fuck me sideways that man's a GOD!

505 with the sniper. he got an extra 200 with his SMG. and he wasnt in a coma, he got shot in the head. that makes him epic-er.
if Cracked.com runs an article about war heroes, its shit like this. i'll offer one: Stephen Toboz, a Navy SEAL who thought the training (the really hard stuff) was fun. His team went into Afghanistan to rescue a comrade, and they were ambushed. he ended up with a massive hole in his leg, crawled around fighting the enemy and refused morphine. after 18 hours, he survived because the wound froze. he told the doctors to amputate the leg and give him a bionic one. then he went back into active duty as a trainer. why did he ask for amputation? because nature was taking too long to do the job.