Want feedback on my story, dont kill me!

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Sleepingzombie

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Dec 7, 2009
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Well I am writing on a project, which I hope may become a novel and a novel project needs feedback!. I have 4 chapters that are written, they are still in-the-rough, because I want feedback on "the story" before I fix the details.

When you write, the big stuff, story, characters, pacing, comes first. Grammar, spelling and the like comes second to third, so long as the one giving feedback can understand the piece.
So when you read my text
http://sleepingzombie.deviantart.com/art/Fate-of-the-guardian-1-216850151

I wish you prioritise story, what parts works and what doesen´t?, what is boring, exciting and so on. Bash me all you want if you wish, all critique is wellcome, as long as I can put it to some use and learn from it.

If someone else want to expose their stuff feel free to PM me or submit it in this thread. I can´t promise I can give feedback right away but I can promise I will read it.
 
Redryhno

Redryhno

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I've got to say it, the first paragraph had way too much foreboding in it for lack of a better word. Not that I'm saying foreboding is bad, if used in the right amount of doses and with the right "spin" on it.

I'd also say that there's too much of one of my peeves, which I have termed to be called WRS, or Word Regurgitation Syndrome, where there's one word endlessly repeated with no change of pace, and it tires the eyes to see the same thing multiple times within a paragraph,kind've like those old eye trick mazes, fun to look at for a while before you burn the book because you have a headache worse than a hangover from hell, where the damn dwarves in your head won't stop banging on the damn liberty bells,anyways, try using more synonyms if you have to say the same thing again and again, or try a different way of arranging it.

Also, important, DIALOGUE, it doesn't have to be external, it could be the character talking to themselves, flashbacks, something that gives insight into them, but there needs to be some at least, unless of course that's the feeling you're going for, and if that is, disregard this paragraph.

Now, don't take this the wrong way, but it feels like you're trying too hard to write this to me, so you may just want to think about the world more, and the scenes you're trying to evoke. And I'd have to say the genre it fits in the most so far is fantasy.
 
BloatedGuppy

BloatedGuppy

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Sleepingzombie said:
Well I am writing on a project, which I hope may become a novel and a novel project needs feedback!. I have 4 chapters that are written, they are still in-the-rough, because I want feedback on "the story" before I fix the details.

When you write, the big stuff, story, characters, pacing, comes first. Grammar, spelling and the like comes second to third, so long as the one giving feedback can understand the piece.
So when you read my text
http://sleepingzombie.deviantart.com/art/Fate-of-the-guardian-1-216850151

I wish you prioritise story, what parts works and what doesen´t?, what is boring, exciting and so on. Bash me all you want if you wish, all critique is wellcome, as long as I can put it to some use and learn from it.

If someone else want to expose their stuff feel free to PM me or submit it in this thread. I can´t promise I can give feedback right away but I can promise I will read it.
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Well, I'm not going to kill you...I'm not sure why you felt that was ever a risk to begin with...but I am going to suggest that you've got a ways to go with your writing before presenting it for public consumption. There are a lot of spelling errors, punctuation errors, tense errors, and other basic syntax errors littering this piece. There's nothing wrong with it on a conceptual level...you have a passion for writing and that's excellent, and you should stick with it...but you need to spend a lot of time polishing your writing on a purely mechanical level.
 
RobotZombieNinja

RobotZombieNinja

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Jun 25, 2010
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Sleepingzombie said:
Well I am writing on a project, which I hope may become a novel and a novel project needs feedback!. I have 4 chapters that are written, they are still in-the-rough, because I want feedback on "the story" before I fix the details.

When you write, the big stuff, story, characters, pacing, comes first. Grammar, spelling and the like comes second to third, so long as the one giving feedback can understand the piece.
So when you read my text
http://sleepingzombie.deviantart.com/art/Fate-of-the-guardian-1-216850151

I wish you prioritise story, what parts works and what doesen´t?, what is boring, exciting and so on. Bash me all you want if you wish, all critique is wellcome, as long as I can put it to some use and learn from it.

If someone else want to expose their stuff feel free to PM me or submit it in this thread. I can´t promise I can give feedback right away but I can promise I will read it.
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Hmmm...
In the first paragraph the writing feels somewhat corny and soap opera-esque.
Also, the whole "not much dialogue" thing, it should only be used when you want your character to feel disassociated with the world.
You should incorporate into flashbacks and the viewpoints of hugely pessimistic and/or ginormously smart caracters.
Other than the spelling and grammatical issues I think that's all I saw.
 
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Sleepingzombie

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you are correct, but take a minute to read to OP. What is important right now is the story, macro level. Does the pacing work?
 
BloatedGuppy

BloatedGuppy

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Sleepingzombie said:
you are correct, but take a minute to read to OP. What is important right now is the story, macro level. Does the pacing work?
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I'm sorry, I work as an editor. I honestly can't make it more than a few paragraphs before the syntax errors short circuit my editor brain. It needs cleaning up before you can get legitimate feedback on it. It's hard to talk about pacing when the punctuation is all shot to hell and there's missing words in every second sentence.
 
Use_Imagination_here

Use_Imagination_here

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Don't explain what's happening to much, it's good for pacing. But I think thats just a prefrence, ignore that. A bit more dialogue would be good to. Short lines and inner dialogue seem like the right fit with the kind of story your trying to pull off here.
 
Vern5

Vern5

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I'm going to be a little harsh, mostly because I originally had to stop at "the cold of the dessert". Then I had to go get some ice cream.

First complaint: there are a lot of details that are just being thrown at me (people's name, countries, personal objectives) but they aren't really being put into a context one could relate to. Let's take the first character you introduce as an example.

Here's what I first learn about Lyall. Lyall has a task. Lyall has a dead family. Lyall is being pursued. He is faced with a city that he can use to cover his trail but the city is apparently dangerous. All of these details are introduced as if I've already been familiar with them. Now, I'm aware you are completely aware of Lyall's backstory and motives but, in these regards, I am a complete idiot. I don't know what Lyall's about but he seems interesting so you should milk that interest for all it's worth.

Instead of telling me that Lyall has a task, why not have him plotting his next move (an internal monologue or whatever) to complete this task? Instead of telling me about Lyall's dead family, tell me the scenario in which Lyall's family is mercilessly slaughtered? Instead of telling me that Lyall is being pursued, have Lyall actually being pursued when the story opens! That's exciting! And why does Lyall not like this city? Has he been there before? Maybe he just doesn't trust cities, which is an fascinating clue to the rest of his character.

There are a lot of avenues of interest to expand upon in just the first portion of your story. Tell you what, always assume your audience is clueless to a certain degree. They need to know exactly what's going on and why they should care. So present enough of these things to hook them and then keep writing from there.
 
E

Evil Top Hat

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May 21, 2011
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Sleepingzombie said:
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A few things need to be fixed.

"Under the stars of the desert night the man, who´s name was Lyall, sat by a lonely fire."

It's confusing for the reader because "under the stars of the desert night" should be seperate from "the man", but there is no comma used to seperate them as two seperate parts of the sentence. it's also not very concise, instead of saying "the man, who's name was Lyall, sat by a lonely fire" it might be a bit more to the point to simply say "Lyall sat by a lonely fire" as the reader will automatically assume that Lyall is the man in question. It really doesn't need to be specific that Lyall is the name of the man, because the sentence "Lyall sat by a lonely fire" already implies that, and you're not losing any descriptive value by changing that.

What I would generally advise is for is to leave your writing for a day or two, go back to it, and read it out loud, to yourself. By reading aloud it's easier to spot places in which a sentence just doesn't read very well, and you can really do a lot to improve the flow of your writing for a reader.

It also helps (as an above poster said, I believe) to not excessively describe and explain events. A reader is going to get bored quickly if you go into too much detail, and they will probably find a book a lot more compelling if they are given a set mood and general area description and their imaginations are left to fill in more minor details.

However, I'm not much of a critic, especially when it comes to grammar. If you want help with your grammar (in a way that isn't boring as textbook definitions) then I would definately reccomend taking a look at this blog on tumblr.

http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/

That's basically a blog on tumblr of somebody that reads through every book in the twilight saga, and just ruthlessly picks apart and criticises every inch of them. You might need to go back a few pages to find parts of the blog that are useful for you as a writer, but I've found parts of the blog to be really useful lessons in how to use grammar properly, how to make sentences clear and how to develop and create characters. The blog doesn't actually instruct you HOW to do it, it shows you HOW NOT to do it, which is a lot more helpful in many ways. Plus, there's a lot more info in there than I could ever write here.

A few things to remember:
1) Show don't tell, the golden rule of writing. Instead of writing about how Lyall has a task to complete, give him an internal monologue, so that we can figure out for ourselves that he has a task to complete. Books are a lot more satisfying to read for a reader when their brain is engaged, as apposed to just being told facts.
2) Do not give up. Lots of people will criticise you, but you need to take the rough with the smooth, and realise that errors are an important part of learning.

Best of luck.
 
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Sleepingzombie

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thanks, great tips. Question: what the story interesting?, IE were you interested in what happened in the text?.

Now I´ve read that I overexplain things, could you give me a brief example?
 
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Sleepingzombie

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I follow you, think of the chapter as "in medias res". My thinking was: If I give the reader a clue, as "Lyall had a task", the reader wants to know what it is. This gives the story mystery, what is this task?, why is he being pursued?, why does he not like cities?. Then I can answer these riddles in due time, so the reader doesen´t get bored with explenations.

Does this come across or have I failed in my ambition?

Thanks for taking your time to read it, by the way :)
 
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