Well I think I'm getting a divorce....

[dfphetteplace]

NOTE: I'm about to vent, feel free to take part of the conversation, though. I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this, so I figured I'll just post it here.

My wife and me have been having lots of problems lately, and I think it has finely come to a head. The truth is I don't think we would be together now, except we have a son.

My wife has been extremely miserable for a long time now, and when asked what I could do, she tells me she wants to be able to go to a college that is very far from home, and wants me to go. The problem with this is, I am done with school, I have an established career as a paramedic, plus I take care of my disabled mother. I own my own house, and with the economy, there is no way it could sell.

She wants me to give up everything so she can go to school at the school of her choice, instead of the local one that offers the same degree. I understand that that is where she wants to go, but it seems irresponsible to me to uproot our son, and force my mother to move, while leaving my house to be foreclosed on and leaving a job that not only pays well, but that I happen to love.

I have tried to work this out with her, but she will not change her mind. She will either go and leave me with all of the family responsibility, or stay and be miserable, which she then treats our son badly because she is upset. I don't want my son exposed to such negativity from one he is suppose to feel safe around. I have also seen her looking up how she doesn't want to be a mother anymore.

There has also been some instances for her getting a little too friendly with some other guys, although she didn't cheat on me to my knowledge.

So I now think I'm going to ask for a divorce. I really don't want it to turn out like this, but I feel like to the rest of my family to be taken care, I can't take care of her when she is being selfish. We have argued over this for a long time, but I feel like I am done arguing and am going to ask her to leave.

What do you my friends think of my situation?

 

[Queen Michael]

To judge from what you're saying she's being selfish and you're doing the right thing.

 

[AKDread]

To judge from what you're saying she's being selfish and you're doing the right thing.

i agree, also do whats best for the child

 

[Powereaver]

I know divorce will be hard on the kid but i think in the end its a good idea because it takes him away from all the bickering and arguing and fighting which doesnt do ANYONE any good.

 

[Sandernista]

To judge from what you're saying she's being selfish and you're doing the right thing.

i agree, also do whats best for the child

I third this. She is being extremely selfish and childish. You need to do what's right for your son and this is a toxic situation.

 

[wintercoat]

To judge from what you're saying she's being selfish and you're doing the right thing.

i agree, also do whats best for the child

I third this. She is being extremely selfish and childish. You need to do what's right for your son and this is a toxic situation.

Fourth'd. Your son doesn't deserve to be treated bad because your wife didn't get her way.

 

[jackpackage200]

*gives hug*

I think that you two should have a discussion about it. You need to do what is right for your son.

 

[hazabaza1]

From your perspective your wife is being selfish and needs a good talking to.
However, this is only from your perspective. I don't mean to sound insulting, but I'm willing to bet your wife could demonise you fairly well too.

Captcha: On-off
How fitting.

 

[kcjerith]

May I recommend a marital therapist? Perhaps a third party would be helpful in working out the issues the two of you are having.

 

[Griffolion]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. If you've truly reached an impasse, then do what you feel is best for your son. If being together is detrimental to him, then perhaps separation is the best option.

 

[Jonluw]

Provided your recounting of events is accurate and true, I fully support your decision.
Have you been to a counselor though?
Because if your wife is willing to leave her child and entire family just to go to college somewhere else, that's pretty disturbing right there. There might be more to it.

But If there is no convincing her to stay without her being bitter and resentful...
One can always get help from friends, family and/or new partners to raise a child. Even raising him alone needn't be a problem (I'd tell you to watch Usagi drop or read Yotsuba& for some uplifting stories to provide confidence and a more optimistic mindset...) Starting an entirely new life isn't that easy.

And you will always have the child support she presumably has to pay you.

 

[Colour Scientist]

Before divorce, would you consider encouraging her to attend her college of choice alone and go from there? From the sounds of it, she feels very trapped and unfulfilled (aspiration-wise), not that that excuses her taking this out on you or your child but I think part of her is blaming the two of you for holding her back, which isn't fair on you.

I'm only going on what you're saying but I think if she feels less trapped things could become easier. You don't want to give up the job you love and she probably wants the opportunity to have that for herself. From your point of you she's being selfish but, from her perspective, she could see the entire issue lying with you being selfish. Which could be where the resentment is coming from.


Maybe before you jump straight to divorce you could try to find a bit of space, both of you, and see what happens? If you see divorce as the only way then it's only going to be a bit of a delay.

My two cents anyway.

 

[Sixcess]

If it's that bad then don't stay together for the sake of your son. My parents split up when I was in my late teens, and my only regret was that they hadn't done so years earlier.

Before divorce, would you consider encouraging her to attend her college of choice alone and go from there?

This makes sense as well. She may be looking at college from "the grass is greener" point of view which will remain intact until she's actually there. After that, well, getting some space might do both of you some good without being as final as a divorce, and maybe she, or you, or both of you, will gain a new more positive perspective on your existing situation.

 

[Dags90]

Before divorce, would you consider encouraging her to attend her college of choice alone and go from there? From the sounds of it, she feels very trapped and unfulfilled (aspiration-wise), not that that excuses her taking this out on you or your child but I think part of her is blaming the two of you for holding her back, which isn't fair on you.

Eh, you have to keep in mind this is the U.S. College can be very costly, as is a separate dwelling. I would certainly recommend against him spending significant amounts of money on it if the relationship is already on the rocks.

I can't help but want some numbers (ages, miles, years of education sought, approximate cost).

 

[NinjaDeathSlap]

Well, while I always treat threads like these with a certain level of skepticism (nothing against you OP, just that there's usually 2 sides to a story, so I'm never inclined to just flat our believe the first person's interpretation right off the bat) she certainly seems to be acting very irrationally and irresponsibly. There are 2 explanations to this that I can see. Either she's just an irresponsible and irrational person who doesn't care about what anyone but her wants, in which case get out of there and take your son with you; or she's going through some serious emotional difficulties, perhaps even full blown clinical depression, in which case she needs your help and for you to have faith in her now more than ever, even if she doesn't get her own way.

Whatever it is, you need to find out before you do anything as drastic as getting a divorce.

 

[Dragonclaw]

Without knowing more I don't think anyone that doesn't know you both well can offer up advise that is all that helpful...Not much to glean from your post, so I hope you don't take offense to what I'm about to say...it's all just blind specualtion after all...

You've said she's been unhappy for quite a while. Does any of that have to do with the extra "burden" (for lack of a better word) of caring for your disabled mother? As noble as caring for a parent can be it can most definately be a weight on the shoulders of those around you and could be a big part of the problem at its core. She may feel she needs to get away from that situation. How much time does caring for her take? If it is time consuming, and / or a big emotional drain that could be a LARGE part of her unhappiness.

I'd say don't do anything rash. Divorce is a HUGE step (been there, done that...but my situation was far more cut & dry). Seeing a counselor to see if there is anything that can be salvaged is a must IMHO. It sounds like you still care about her, I wouldn't give up just yet.

 

[Prosis]

I wouldn't go for divorce just yet. For one thing, the woman almost always wins custody of the child in a divorce case.

It could just be a midlife crisis. She's looking back at all of the decisions she's made, and everything else she could have been. IE: a successful, strong woman with her own career, rather than just a housewife.
Have you asked why it has to be that college? What makes that one college better than the others?
Also, does she feel that she is inferior to you? Do you use your career to justify why she has to do X or Y? What are her hopes for the future?
Does she wind up having to tend your disabled mother on a regular basis? Does your mother approve of your marriage? Inlaws are always frustrating, and it could be there is a strain between her and your mother.
I find it highly unlikely that the sole cause of her anguish is pining to go to some school somewhere. Talk with her. Spend time with her.
Or just let her go. Say fine. Let her live the dream at college. Don't file for a divorce. Just let her go to college for a few months and see what happens. Let her know how much her child misses her.

It's hard to give help without a bit more info. How old are you and her, how long have you been married, how old is the kid, what is her current occupation? Your post gives your side of the story, but not hers. What's her defense?

ALSO, recognize that the majority of The Escapist is unmarried (myself included), and may not be the best place for suggestions. Marriage counseling may be a good choice. Even talk to your mother, provided that she supported your marriage and your girl.

Hope that helps

 

[Dr. Pepper Unlimited]

Do what's best for you and your son. From the sounds of it, it doesn't sound logical for you to leave everything behind for her to go to school. To me, she's being extremely selfish.

 

[Revnak_v1legacy]

As others have already said, you should see a counselor. Divorce can have way too serious of an impact on the child for it to ever be a choice to be made without the input of a third party, especially if the main issue is simply a conflict in life goals.