What are your best bad jokes?

[Zombie_Fish]

The thing about quantum jokes is that they're either funny, terrible, or both.

Bad jokes. As much as we want to hate them and turn away from them, there is always a deep, dark side of us that craves for more. It's like a drug, only funny and less likely to damage your body. Unless you actually injure yourself from splitting your sides so intensely-Okay, this is going off on a tangent now.

So I put forth a challenge to you, Escapist: Show us your best bad jokes!

Please note, I am talking really bad here. I mean Bronze League Heroes 'Very best of the very worst' type bad. If a completely new user were to come into this thread, they should think that every poster here is a dad. Yes, even the women posting in this thread should be thought of as dads. That is the level of humour we are going for here.

So Escapists, do you feel your joke is good enough at being... bad? Why not put it to the test?

My personal choices:

[ul]
[li]Did you hear about the kidnapping at the park? Oh don't worry, he woke up.[/li]
[li]I don't know about you man, but haunted French pancakes really give me the crepes.[footnote]Fun fact: I sent this one to my older sister and now she's threatening to kill me.[/footnote][/li]
[/ul]

 

[lacktheknack]

A stick.

Fiiish.

I feel bad now, thanks.

 

[Zombie_Fish]

A stick.

Fiiish.

I feel bad now, thanks.

I predicted both of those punchlines.

I regret nothing.

[hr]

Three guys walked into a bar. You would've thought one of them saw it coming.

 

[Colour Scientist]

Spoiler: Where did Noah keep his bees?

The Archive

Hurrdurr, archivist jokes.

Spoiler: What did the vegetarian priest say

Lettuce Pray

Edit: I must try to remember more!

 

[lacktheknack]

Three guys walked into a bar. You would've thought one of them saw it coming.

A horse walks into a bar and the barman says "Why the long face?"

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The barman says "What is this? Some kind of joke?

 

[xaszatm]

What do you call a belittling con artist falling down the stairs?

Spoiler

A condescending con descending

 

[Pink Gregory]

Great news! I've been accepted as the triangle player in a reggae band!

I just have to stand at the back an' ting.

 

[Zombie_Fish]

I'm already in hysterics. Keep it up!

Spoiler: Where did Churchill keep his armies?

Up his sleevies!

Spoiler: What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?

Damn!

 

[Batou667]

Right *cracks knuckles*

Spoiler: What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Spoiler: What's brown and very sticky?

A log.

Spoiler: What's brown and runny?

Usain Bolt.

Spoiler: What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dunnnnnggggg.

Spoiler: What's runny, lumpy, and smells of bananas?

Monkey vomit.

Spoiler: Did you hear the joke about the dustbin?

Don't worry, it's rubbish.

Spoiler: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye-deer.

Spoiler: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye-deer.

Spoiler: What do you call a gorilla with anger management issues sitting at the end of your bed with an AK-47?

"Sir"

Spoiler: What do you call a gorilla with a banana in each ear?

Whatever you want, they can't hear you.

Spoiler: What has four legs and flies?

Two pairs of trousers.

Spoiler: What has two legs and flies?

Half a horse.

Spoiler: Why did they bury the fireman at the top of the hill?

Because he was dead.

Spoiler: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead.

Spoiler: Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was stapled to the first monkey.

Spoiler: Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.

Spoiler: Why did the tree fall down?

It thought it was a monkey.

Spoiler: What did the explorer say when he saw a herd of stampeding elephants?

"Look, a herd of stampeding elephants."

Spoiler: What did the explorer say when he saw a herd of stampeding elephants who were wearing dark glasses?

Nothing, he didn't recognise them.

Spoiler: Why do ducks have flat feet?

For stamping out forest fires.

Spoiler: Why do elephants have flat feet?

For stamping out burning ducks.

 

[Zombie_Fish]

I would like to congratulate [user]Batou667[/user] on winning all the prizes for everything ever. XD

Spoiler: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead.

Spoiler: Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was stapled to the first monkey.

Spoiler: Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.

Spoiler: Why did the tree fall down?

It thought it was a monkey.

Spoiler: Why did the rhinoceros fall out of the tree?

Because it's a f*cking rhino!

[hr]

Spoiler: How do you annoy Lady Gaga?

Poker Face.

 

[Barbas]

"Are you dressed up as a pirate, young man? Where are your buccaneers?"

Spoiler

"On the side of me buccan' head."

This one only works if you say it:

"Walking through the park, I stooped to pick a buttercup..."

Spoiler

"...Why people leave buttocks lying around, I've no idea."

 

[lechat]

Spoiler: What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr dre

 

[MetalDooley]

- A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says, ?Sorry, we don?t serve mushrooms in here.? The mushroom replies, ?Why not? I?m a fungi!?

- A sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says, ?Sorry, we don?t serve food here!?

- A rope walks into a bar. The bartender says, ?We don?t serve ropes in here.? The rope walks outside, ties a knot in the middle of his body, brushes out the strands at the bottom and heads back into the bar. The bartender says, ?Aren?t you the rope I just threw out of here?? The rope replies, ?No, I?m a frayed knot.?

- A pony walks into a bar and whispers to the bartender, ?Can I have a beer?? The bartender replies, ?Sure, but why are you whispering?? The pony answers, ?I?m sorry. I?m just a little hoarse.?

- A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, ?Hey! We?ve got a drink named after you!? Surprised, the grasshopper replies, ?You?ve got a drink named Steve??

- Two peanuts walk into a bar that?s patronized by a rough crowd. One was assaulted.

- A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, ?I?m sorry, but I can?t serve you.? The snake replies, ?Why not?? The bartender answers, ??Cause you can?t hold your liquor.?

- A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says to them, ?I?ll serve you two, but don?t start anything.?

To get away from the bar theme

- Two cannibals are eating a clown.One turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

Thank you.I'm here all week.Try the fish..

 

[madwarper]

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks, "You know how to drive this thing?"

 

[Pink Gregory]

Spoiler: What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr dre

*snrk*

I genuinely wasn't expecting the twist. Somehow.

 

[spartandude]

What do you call it when Batman leaves church early? Christian Bale.

 

[Lilani]

Spoiler: What did the chewing gum say to the train?

Chew chew!

 

[Imperioratorex Caprae]

Spoiler: A man notices a pirate walking around with a ship's wheel protruding from his pants and asks 'Whats that for?'

The pirate replies, "Arr, its drivin' me nuts."

 

[SonOfVoorhees]

How do you measure a snake? In inches because they dont have feet.

 

[Canadamus Prime]

Ok, I'll humour (ha ha, get it?) you.

Spoiler: What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck

Spoiler: How do you say three cats down in french?

trois (3) quatre (katr) cinq (sank)