What are your best bad jokes?

[unindexedsearchengine]

Suppose Bill is a popular name among pirates.

Spoiler: What do you call the one legged pirate?

Unstabill

Spoiler: What do you call the three legged pirate?

Chernobill

Spoiler: What do you call the retarded pirate?

Spoiler: Bill, you insensitive shit.

Just joking, you call him Debill

A man walks into a bar. He suffers a concussion.

Spoiler: spoilering this because offended people be all up in my post, yo

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
9/11
9/11 who?
I thought you said you'll never forget

Spoiler: What's red and bad for digestion?

a Brick

Spoiler: What's green and hard to bite through?

a Tank

Spoiler: what do you call a xenomorph with no immigration papers?

an Illegal Alien

Two pancakes are talking.
"I went to a job interview today."
"Oh, did they hire you?"
"What, a pancake?"

Spoiler: everything has an end

but sausages have two

Spoiler: offensive again

Spoiler: what did Michael Jackson say to the kid

Beat it

"I said glass of juice, not gas the jews!"

Two chemists walk into a bar. One asks for H2O. The other asks for H2O too. The second chemist dies.

 

[Nimzabaat]

A local church was hiring for a bell ringer. The first applicant comes in but he has no arms. The priest asks "how will you ring the bell?" The man says "i'll show you". So he runs head first into the bell, which tolls, and falls down the bell tower and dies. The police show up and ask the priest "did you know this man?" The priest says:

Spoiler

"I didn't know him, but his face rings a bell"

The ad is still up so a second man comes in. He also has no arms. The priest asks "how will you ring the bell with no arms?". The man says "i'll show you". So he runs head first into the bell, which tolls, and falls down the bell tower and dies. The police show up and ask the priest "did you know this other man?" The priest says:

Spoiler

"Not really, but he's a dead ringer for the other guy"

 

[Jux]

Not my jokes. I assume no responsibility for any groan related injuries induced as a result of reading these.

Spoiler: How do fish shop online?

With a credit cod.

Spoiler: Why'd the chicken cross the road?

BA-KAW-se. (gotta yell that shit loud)

Spoiler: Why is the Pope always changing his socks?

Because he makes them holey.

 

[Furbyz]

The only one I can remember.

Spoiler: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Giant holes all over Australia.

 

[Radoh]

Did you know that Mahatma Ghandi never wore shoes anywhere he walked? As a result of this he ended up with an incredible set of calluses.
He also had an incredibly strict vegetarian diet, as a result it left him very emaciated and weak. Also with incredibly bad breath.
This would make him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

[shrekfan246]

I'm not funny enough to come up with any on my own.

Spoiler: A man walks into the local pub...

His alcohol dependence is tearing his family apart.

Spoiler: Two people are walking down the sidewalk when somebody drives past, their pet dog sticking its head out the window; person A says...

"Boy, they really shouldn't let their boxers hang out like that!"

 

[Caiphus]

Whiteboards are remarkable, aren't they?

 

[JayRPG]

Malities, Malities, Malities, Malities.

Well, that's the formalities over with.

 

[Pink Gregory]

How do you know if an elephant's been in the fridge?

Footprints in the butter.

 

[Theodora]

.....

Knock Knock !
deren es ?
Pfirsiche
Peaches , die ?
Pfirsiche haben keinen inneren Wert und es gibt keinen Gott.

in English it translates as...

Knock knock!
whose there?
Peaches!
Peaches who?
Peaches have no intrinsic value and there is no God.

 

[hazabaza1]

Don't forget your duckdo.
"What's a duckdo?"

Spoiler

Quack.

 

[MetaKnight670]

A horse walks into a bar, and orders a drink. The bartender asks why the horse has such a long face.
Turns out the horse has cancer.

Are we going for that kind of bad?

 

[Blacklight28]

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin says "Boy, is it just me or is it getting hot in here?" To which the other replies: "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"

Spoiler: What's worse than ten babies nailed to a tree?

One baby nailed to ten trees.

 

[Caiphus]

Don't forget your duckdo.
"What's a duckdo?"

Spoiler

Quack.

Haha, I'm a fan of those.

Which make of car do you prefer: Honda, Toyota, or Matayogi?
"What's a Matayogi?"

Spoiler

Nothing Boo Boo

 

[Twintix]

Oooh, bad jokes! I quite like bad puns!

Spoiler: Why did the baker go on a holiday?

He kneaded some time off.

Spoiler: Did you hear about the baker who got sick?

Don't worry. He got batter.

Spoiler: Why would you call a baker rich?

He's got tons of dough.

 

[Batou667]

What do you call a chav in a suit? The accused.

What do you call a chav with a job? A liar!

If a Nova goes over a cliff with 3 chavs in it, why is it a tragedy? A Nova has 4 seats.

What do you call a chav in a cardboard box? Innit.

Where does a chav keep their money? Safe!

 

[Zombie_Fish]

Spoiler: What time did Sean Connery say he was going to be attending Wimbledon?

Ten-ish

A man was walking down the street, when he saw a coffin behind him. He was a bit creeped out, so he started to walk a little bit faster. The coffin sped up. Soon, the coffin was catching up to him, so he started to run faster and faster. He was running as fast as he could, yet the coffin was still catching up.

Eventually, he got home, where the slammed the door shut. But he was too late; the coffin was already wedged in and trying to force the door open. Desperate, he ran upstairs to the bathroom, and shut the door behind him.

"BANG!" He heard the knock on the door. He knew it was the coffin, and the door wouldn't stay shut for much longer.

"BANG!" It went again. He could see the hinges giving way. He looked for anything he could possibly use against it.

"BANG!" The door gave way, and the coffin stomped into the bathroom. The man threw everything he could find: Toilet rolls, toothbrushes, razors, shampoo bottles, toilet brushes, anything he could grab. Yet none of it hindered the coffin.

The man reached into the medicine cupboard, and threw all the tablets and bottles and plasters he could at it, but they had no effect either.

Finally, he reached into the cupboard and threw some cough medicine. The coffin stopped.

 

[Varrdy]

What do you call a chav in a suit? The accused.

What do you call a chav with a job? A liar!

If a Nova goes over a cliff with 3 chavs in it, why is it a tragedy? A Nova has 4 seats.

What do you call a chav in a cardboard box? Innit.

Where does a chav keep their money? Safe!

Well played, sir!