What do you consider to be Red Flags (Relationships and/or Friendships)?

[adorabelle]

What are to you the major warning signs that there is something really wrong with the person you are friends with/are dating? Something that has the potential to be dangerous or, perhaps, just a sign that this relationship will not work in the long run and will give you a huge headache/heartache?

I'll start with two, drawn from personal experience.

Red Flag 1: A person who HAS money and HAS their own things, but even so is always borrowing your stuff (sometimes without asking), money (and not paying back) and making you pay for stuff. This person calls collect, is too cheap to buy his/her own meal/drink, but will NEVERTHELESS eat from your food and drink half of your glass. If said person should find him/herself in a restaurant having to split the bill, he/she will leave early and ALWAYS leave less money than he/she should. Alternatively, this person will drink and eat without warning anyone that they don't have money and then they will either fake having forgotten the wallet or they will just say outright that they have no money (they are shameless). This person is a leech and will take and take and NEVER give anything worthwhile back.

Case in point: I had a friend who was like that and, on top of that, he was always smoking from my pack of cigarettes (and everybody else's). And ONE time I asked him if he could give me one of his, cause I had run out and he gave me a whole speech on how "girls expect to get everything for free, because they are pretty". REALLY?

Red Flag 2: A person who is ALWAYS the victim. A person who is constantly complaining about the world sucks and how they don't deserve everything that keeps happening to them. If they get a bad grade, their teacher sucks. If they stop talking to a friend, that friend was a *****. If they get fired, the boss was a devil. This person can only think about his/herself and can only see their OWN problems. They will go on and on about how shit their life is and will demand full time attention. Their problems will always be BIGGER and more important than anybody else's. They have no empathy, they don't want to support you, they aren't there for you, but if you do anything that bruises their ego, then suddenly YOU are a cold-hearted, cruel, vicious human being.

The danger is feeling sorry for them and wanting to help them. They thrive on that and it doesn't WORK!

Case in point: My ex, who was very self-centered/depressed, started throwing one of his "nobody loves me" tantrums and drove his car into a wall, with ME in it. Fortunately, we both survived. But these goes to show HOW selfish he really was. If you want to die, mate, be my guest. Just don't take me with you!

 

[adorabelle]

Case in point: My ex, who was very self-centered/depressed, started throwing one of his "nobody loves me" tantrums and drove his car into a wall, with ME in it. Fortunately, we both survived. But these goes to show HOW selfish he really was. If you want to die, mate, be my guest. Just don't take me with you!

Wow, I would've dragged him out and kicked his ass thoroughly until the police arrived.

My ex was red flag #2 and that is the reason she's my ex. Also she went on about how nothing was her fault.

I hit my head, so was too dizzy to kick his ass or anything of the sort. Plus, he was way bigger than me... The police did arrive, but he was never really punished by the law, since he was "so sorry" and he swore it was an accident. He was a minor, so they made a deal with his parents and their parents swore they would get him help.

Since all I wanted to do was get away from him as fast as possible, I didn't pursue the matter further. Maybe I should have done so....

 

[jrubal1462]

Umm...yeah. If someone deliberately crashed you into a wall, I think that would qualify as a red flag, as much as any other form of attempted assault/murder. I wouldn't want to be anywhere near somebody who would even consider doing me that much harm.

As for my own red flags, I don't know, I hate to look at someone and decide they're unfriendable or undateable because of one particular trait, but I guess there ARE things that make me reevaluate my own perception of people. For example, for some reason I have a current trend of being with people that are not really high on self-worth, and kinda' lonely, which is weird because I have a fantastic group of friends, and I love me. So when I start to notice myself being attracted to somebody else like that I stop and think, "whoa.... is she really as great as you think she is? Or are you just doing that stupid thing you always do where you think you are the one person who can convince her that she's awesome and never knew it until now.

 

[SckizoBoy]

Case in point: My ex, who was very self-centered/depressed, started throwing one of his "nobody loves me" tantrums and drove his car into a wall, with ME in it. Fortunately, we both survived. But these goes to show HOW selfish he really was. If you want to die, mate, be my guest. Just don't take me with you!

That's not being 'depressed', that's being a drama queen. And I commend your use of the word 'fortunately'.

Red flag#2 is in some ways true for me, but in certain others, utter bullshit. My ex-gf was a perpetual victim, but only because she genuinely was/is. People (sometimes, myself included) wonder why I stayed with her even though she assaulted me three times, rarely smiled and even more rarely laughed.

Personally, it really depends on the level of friendship I have with a person. With most of my 'friendly acquaintances', a 'red flag' is generally just a failure to notice my diplomacy (which I always make very blatant). With my 'friends', it's making free with my possessions and badmouthing me, however subtle it is. And with my 'intimate friends', it's when they cease to be candid without reason.

 

[adorabelle]

Umm...yeah. If someone deliberately crashed you into a wall, I think that would qualify as a red flag, as much as any other form of attempted assault/murder. I wouldn't want to be anywhere near somebody who would even consider doing me that much harm.

As for my own red flags, I don't know, I hate to look at someone and decide they're unfriendable or undateable because of one particular trait, but I guess there ARE things that make me reevaluate my own perception of people. For example, for some reason I have a current trend of being with people that are not really high on self-worth, and kinda' lonely, which is weird because I have a fantastic group of friends, and I love me. So when I start to notice myself being attracted to somebody else like that I stop and think, "whoa.... is she really as great as you think she is? Or are you just doing that stupid thing you always do where you think you are the one person who can convince her that she's awesome and never knew it until now.

Yeah, but we were together for two years before that happened. So, what I mean, is that I should have noticed were the red flags I mentioned on the second item, so it wouldn't have gotten to the point of him almost "murdering" me.

As for people with low self-worth, they aren't necessarily bad for you, but can be quite needy and paranoid. If you don't mind that, then you should probably be fine, I guess.

 

[adorabelle]

Case in point: My ex, who was very self-centered/depressed, started throwing one of his "nobody loves me" tantrums and drove his car into a wall, with ME in it. Fortunately, we both survived. But these goes to show HOW selfish he really was. If you want to die, mate, be my guest. Just don't take me with you!

That's not being 'depressed', that's being a drama queen. And I commend your use of the word 'fortunately'.

Red flag#2 is in some ways true for me, but in certain others, utter bullshit. My ex-gf was a perpetual victim, but only because she genuinely was/is. People (sometimes, myself included) wonder why I stayed with her even though she assaulted me three times, rarely smiled and even more rarely laughed.

Personally, it really depends on the level of friendship I have with a person. With most of my 'friendly acquaintances', a 'red flag' is generally just a failure to notice my diplomacy (which I always make very blatant). With my 'friends', it's making free with my possessions and badmouthing me, however subtle it is. And with my 'intimate friends', it's when they cease to be candid without reason.

Ok, he was a depressed drama queen then. Maybe the word seemed kind of out of place to you, but he was, eventually, diagnosed with manic depression (I think that, in English, it is more known as bipolar disorder).

And, of course, there are people who are REAL victims, like your girlfriend, I imagine. I was talking about those (and I know a lot of them) who have a martyr/victim complex.

 

[jrubal1462]

Yeah, but we were together for two years before that happened. So, what I mean, is that I should have noticed were the red flags I mentioned on the second item, so it wouldn't have gotten to the point of him almost "murdering" me.

As for people with low self-worth, they aren't necessarily bad for you, but can be quite needy and paranoid. If you don't mind that, then you should probably be fine, I guess.

Oh yes, I suppose, ideally, the red flag would come sometime before you strapped in to the 3,000 lb attention machine.
Also, I don't rule out people with low self-worth, I just take a little extra time for introspection. Ask myself, what exactly am I drawn to?

 

[Kuroneko97]

People who think they're more mature than everyone else because they've dealt with people close to them dying.

I actually didn't end the friendship. SHE did. For that reason. She thought I wasn't mature enough to be her friend, and went on to tell me about having to take care of her sick dad and taking care of her little brother and still getting over the death of her best friend three years ago. She referred to herself as "14 going on 20," and told me to "grow up and realize that the world didn't revolve around me."

And she had the balls to call me a drama queen...

 

[smithy_2045]

Smokers. I just can't stand it.

 

[Ruwrak]

In a relationship or friendship?

Backstabbery...
Seriously, what the ef? I got this internship after a little talk with the manager, I had to show some things I had been part of (video montage ya know.) So I showed a product of which we 3 were part. I did most of the think work (camera angles, storyboards, continuity, presentation etc.) while another guy did the actual montage (I can do montage just fine, but he was deadset on doing it, so he got to do it.)

Now I showed the boss the short movies and suches, I -MENTIONED- thoroughly that this was no example of my montageskills about 3 or 4 times to a point it got redundant. And yet he hates me for it, so he kicked me off steam, after a while I noticed that (I don't paranoia check my friends list every day) I send him a mail with the question what happened. What followed was a rant of well about a page long on what he all hated about me.

Now this guy profiles himself as a "I say everything to your face if it bothers me" type of person. . . Well that hardly sounds like it eh? Sure, maybe I should have asked him if I could show the work, but then again, it's -our- project and I -did- mention everyone's fair share of work.

Seriously... people and work don't go well together. There is only envy and hate to go around.
(Sidenote: He also wanted this job, and wanted to do gamejournalism, but I lacked the skills but exalted on presentation and communication. Maybe he got jalous or something because I reached what he could not with less skill then him? I dunno, never got a chance to ask.)

And part 2: Lies about things.
Little white lies are fine with me, I'm not a hypocrit. But lies about love siphoning away after months of a relationship or if it just doesn't work out are a no go. This also stretches to cheating on someone. If you cheat on your partner, not only is the trust gone, it's also a sign that she / he wants to be with someone else rather then with you. So that's an instant killswitch as well for me.

Other then that, a couple of petty little things.

 

[AndyFromMonday]

I had a friend like yours OP. The one incident that stuck with me the most was when he bought a pack of cigarettes then asked me and other people from my group to give him money so his girlfriend wouldn't think he blew all of his on useless crap. Fuck, if you can't afford cigarettes then don't fucking buy them but hey, whatever, we gave him the cash anyway. Later that night we went into a club and using the cash we gave him he bought himself a couple of beers. Of course he started begging for money again but we just told him to fuck off and over the next couple of days proceeded to distance ourselves from him. Funny how people who seem decent at first turn out to be total assholes.

 

[Insanity72]

While on a date, or out for lunch with someone

If they are nice to you, but not the Waiter / Waitress, they are not friend material.

 

[Vault101]

lying, I mean compulsive lying, you just cant have anyone in your life like that, for obvious reasons, I knew one girl who was actually pretty nice and all...but she lied about EVERYTHING even to me, and the saddest part was she didnt NEED to lie

issues, and I dont mean general issues we all have to deal with, I mean crazy shit that puts me in harms way, like the example the OP had

 

[adorabelle]

I had a friend like yours OP. The one incident that stuck with me the most was when he bought a pack of cigarettes then asked me and other people from my group to give him money so his girlfriend wouldn't think he blew all of his on useless crap. Fuck, if you can't afford cigarettes then don't fucking buy them but hey, whatever, we gave him the cash anyway. Later that night we went into a club and using the cash we gave him he bought himself a couple of beers. Of course he started begging for money again but we just told him to fuck off and over the next couple of days proceeded to distance ourselves from him. Funny how people who seem decent at first turn out to be total assholes.

The worst thing for me is that they have no shame whatsoever. They are taking money and things that don't belong to them and yet they seem to be the ones who are enjoying themselves most and eating/drinking/smoking in a far larger quantity than anybody else. And they call themselves FRIENDS.

I had this friend who was very rich, but very naive, which is not a good combination at all. She had lots of friends, she was generous (too generous) with her money, so people were drawn to her like flies. I warned her SEVERAL times that she should stop hanging out with certain elements who only wanted her money. But she INSISTED they weren't and that I was being too harsh. Long story short, her parents had an awful, awful divorce, she is now not so rich (she isn't poor either, but cannot afford to spend the huge amount of money she spent on her "friends" before) and, guess what, she has about two friends left. These people will swear they never even met you, if you cut their supply...

 

[adorabelle]

I used to be a mild case of Red Flag 2. Not anymore as so much, but I used to find excuses for everything bad that happened to me. I know a couple that are like that...

Red flag of friendship that pisses me off the MOST:

This kid, this JACKASS, treats me like shit and treats the rest of the group like they're Gods. Mainly because the rest of our group are...girls. This jackass can't keep his dick in his pants.

So anyway, this guy gets himself a psycho girlfriend, outside our group. He drops us all off, pretends we don't exist at all. Whatever, I hated this guy anyway.

But, I can sense it coming. As soon as he breaks up with her, he'll come back and we'll all pretend nothing ever happened. He'll resume his position as the 'king' and one day I will snap and deck him.

Moral of the story kids: let cunts be cunts. Just don't let them near you.

That is certainly what will happen. I've seen many cases of people cutting off their friends when in a relationship (that is another red flag to me) and then they come crawling back when it all goes to shit and expect you to act as if nothing happened. Oh well. Even worse than that are people who change COMPLETELY depending on the guy/girl they are dating. Shows an incredible lack of personality.

And about your "friend", people who treat others like shit do not deserve any respect in my book. And if he only acts nice to girls to get them into bed (I am almost sure he will treat them like shit when he's done with them, as well.), that makes him a perv and a bastard. You are better off without him, as you already know. And if he comes back, stake him in the heart.

 

[NinjaDeathSlap]

Overly hedonistic. I'm no saint by any means, and I've been adventurous to the point of destructive at times. But I had an ex who was just too much to handle even for me. It was great at first, never a dull moment, but when you lose count of how many parties you've had that have ended with you seriously thinking that your girlfriends going to wind up killing herself, you know that it's got to stop. Trouble was no matter how much I tried to help her she didn't want to help herself. I got the impression that she honestly did not care if she lived or died, so long as she was having fun, and that was putting other people as well as her in danger. When I realised that nothing I said or did was going to get through to her, I cut her loose before I could be dragged down with her. I felt like shit for doing it, because a large part of me still saw her as the most amazing person in my life, but when I had time to think about it, I figured that if she honestly couldn't see why she had no right to be hurting the people around her like she was, and that we were just trying to "spoil her fun" then she can't have cared about me in the same way that I cared about her.

 

[SweetboyDave]

When after only 3 weeks of being with your boyfriend/girlfriend, and having only seen them once previously during that time, you find yourself in bed with them. If they wont ever pick up the phone to you. If when they are down they don't want to talk about it then they emasculate you for doing the same. If they move on to someone else while "on a break" with you and let Facebook be the messenger.

I acknowledge that while getting into bed with someone a short time after having become a couple is not always be a red flag, it does provide grounds for suspicion, especially if during your time in bed the pleasure is one-sided in their favour. I also acknowledge that there is a possibility, albeit very small, that every time you call them they are busy at work or with friends or some other important event, but if you can't talk to them when you want to talk to them then things are already beginning to look one-sided.

I'm drawing on my personal experience for this (all from the same, short-lived experience) and while I freely admit that I wasn't perfect, after comparing me to her taking the above into account I do seem pretty damn good when the worst thing I did to her was want to love her. Fortunately I've drawn a line under the experience and I'm all the stronger for it. While bad things do happen, sometimes they need to happen in order to prepare us for things yet to come.