What d'you think of this story?

[SassyCarrot]

It was a dark and extremely cold autumn night, the chill of harsh, bitter loneliness swept through the night air. The sinister rustling of the auburn trees and the demonic hooting of the owl as it gazed over its unsuspecting prey was the only life that had been in this place for centuries. Until this night. This night, was a very special night, a night that had been long awaited by some and thought as only a nightmarish legend by others, because, tonight was
the night that they returned.

There was a faint crunching sound of leaves underfoot that was growing closer and closer, louder and louder, until there, stood underneath the tallest oak tree that grew and stood majestically in the centre of the wood, over shadowing its peers was a cloaked and hooded figure, silhouetted by the moonlight. This figure removed its hood with long, delicate and pale fingers to reveal the beautiful face of a young woman that warmed this cold night. The shining reflection of the moonlighted bounced off her silvery blonde hair and silhouetted her features so that she looked like she had been carved out pure marble by the angels themselves.
She walked further to the tree and placed her soft, delicate hand on its hard, cracked trunk. The pale hand then caressed the dark wood of the oak tree as the light blue, sinister yet beautiful eyes, watched in deep concentration. The tight, pink lips of the unmasked face then curled, slowly, into a smile.

The woman then through her head back and let out the cackle of a tormented soul and then, there was silence once more and the silhouette started to mutter words of a language so ancient that it would fall short on the Creator?s tongue. The head was then thrown back again as the woman made another loud, demonic cackle as she watched the once calm, clear and peaceful sky be broken, shattered and watched as a stream of blood red light soared from her fore finger and her long nail and sliced through the peaceful sky and a swarm of dark, cloaked, intimidating, hooded figures flew madly and excitedly through the trees as the howling wind was drowned out by the sound of their joyful cackles and screams.

?COME TO ME MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS OF OLD, GATHER ROUND, FOR THERE IS WORK TO BE DONE!? shouted the mysterious woman in a voice that sounded like a call from the heavens yet also like it belonged to a person who could kill with a twitch of their finger and not a seconds thought.

PS: This is not a Fucking vampire story.

 

[Flames66]

I think it's a wall of text. Put it in paragraphs.

 

[LWS666]

I think it's a wall of text. Put it in paragraphs.

something that too many people ignore

 

[Cpt_Oblivious]

Put it in paragraphs.

Have a gap between paragraphs. There is clear paragraphing, but there's no space between them. Most wor dprocessors automatically do that, the internet does not.

Now to read it.
[b[]Edit:[/b] Read it. Pretty good, The only thing I'd say is if you're going to continue it have a clear idea of where it's going and make sure there's a hook to make it stand out and not be just another story in this genre.

 

[wordsmith]

*yawn*

Blizz, this whole "blaze of glory" thing hasn't really worked, has it? If you're trying to get banned in any way possible, low content isn't the way to do it.

OT: It is what looks like a fairly standard set up to a vampire book. A good rule of thumb for comma usage is read it aloud, pausing for a short while at the commas, and longer at full stops. If you find that you run out of breath before you reach the next pause (which in this case, I was), you need to think about splitting it up a little more.

 

[twasdfzxcv]

Actually it is in paragraphs. It just need proper spacing.

 

[Cpt_Oblivious]

*yawn*

You're so helpful. I've seen a couple of your posts, one was this. The other was a rickroll. Why even bother posting if you're not going to contribute anything worthwhile?

 

[Flames66]

Put it in paragraphs.

Have a gap between paragraphs. There is clear paragraphing, but there's no space between them. Most wor dprocessors automatically do that, the internet does not.

Now to read it.

Just please put gaps between the paragraphs. I can't actually read it.

 

[Cpt_Oblivious]

Put it in paragraphs.

Have a gap between paragraphs. There is clear paragraphing, but there's no space between them. Most wor dprocessors automatically do that, the internet does not.

Now to read it.

Just please put gaps between the paragraphs. I can't actually read it.

I'm struggling a little now I actually read.

 

[De Ronneman]

Give us a blank line to emphasise the paragraphs. As to the story: meh. The character is a nobody. That's not a bad thing, but if were suposed to care about them living or dying.

And it's very short. Even for a short story. I guess it's not yet finished, but still, give us more to work with.

 

[NeutralMunchHotel]

How many cliches CAN you use?

 

[Mr. Grey]

I have the sense that you're trying to "wow" me... but I'm just not feeling it.

Paula Abdul: Oh god, I'm so high right now. But you were fantastic!

----------------------------------------

Actually, it lacks substance and follows a very generic pattern. Perhaps give a sense of yearning from the woman of why she's there... her perspective in a sense.

I concur about wall of text, needs a bit more spacing of the lines.

ALL CAPS IS NOT THE BEST SHOUT. It often can hurt the eyes and I've never liked them. In fact change that line to this: "Come to me brothers and sisters of old! Gather round as there is work to be done!" Or something to that effect.

But I am not a pro at this, I am not in the field of this. I am merely an aspiring writer as yourself. I just write myself, I have no form to it and merely know what I like. So take my advice for what little it's worth.

 

[wordsmith]

*yawn*

Blizz, this whole "blaze of glory" thing hasn't really worked, has it? If you're trying to get banned in any way possible, low content isn't the way to do it.

OT: It is what looks like a fairly standard set up to a vampire book. A good rule of thumb for comma usage is read it aloud, pausing for a short while at the commas, and longer at full stops. If you find that you run out of breath before you reach the next pause (which in this case, I was), you need to think about splitting it up a little more.

He asked I said. Simple. Get off my back

I'm not "on your back", I'm just saying that if you're still desperate to get banned, there are quicker ways to do it than posting low content and hoping someone reports you.

 

[reg42]

Too much imagery. By that I mean that you described absolutely everything, and nothing really happened, which is fine for just an essay, but it makes for a very slow novel.

Do you maybe want to try your hand at poetry? You're writing style seems pretty suited to it.

Also,

*yawn*

Thanks for being constructive.

 

[Camembert]

Wow, wish I was brave enough to make a thread asking Escapist members if they like my story. Seriously, it's not wise. Too many peope just want to make each other feel bad.

I was actually considering putting my work up five minutes ago so I could ask members to help me think of an ending. Then I thought 'Nah, fuck that, the BioWare forums users are much less cruel'.

 

[EMFCRACKSHOT]

Wow, wish I was brave enough to make a thread asking Escapist members if they like my story. Seriously, it's not wise. Too many peope just want to make each other feel bad.

I was actually considering putting my work up five minutes ago so I could ask members to help me think of an ending. Then I thought 'Nah, fuck that, the BioWare forums users are much less cruel'.

I don't think people are being cruel. All they have done is give out some valid criticism.
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.110578-The-Short-Story-Thread?page=11
This however is probably a better place to post things like this.
As to the story of the OP. I found it too descriptive and a little bit boring. Some of your sentences need to end much earlier. Your writing style shows you to be an amateur. It just doesn't read well either.

 

[Crystalite]

I´m sorry, but I don´t think much of it.
Writing style is one thing, that will come in time and does indeed need practice.
(And yes, capslock is shouting on the internet, not in literature, however, where it is never used. That is what exclamation marks are for.)

There is a thing about clichees. They are incredibly hard to do in a compelling way, and your way, I fear, is not. We have seen this a thousand times, the whole "Gothic Tale" sort of thing. Cold and lonely Autumn nights and beautifull, pale women with demonic laughter are just going to bore everyone.

Why don´t you try to find your own ideas and style?
Try telling storys that have not been told before, and in a way that has not been done like that.
Then, trust me, noone will complain about your paragraphs.