What If World History Played Out Like Video Games?

[BrunDeign]

This is sort of like a "Challenge Topic" if you will.

I was just thinking about how people would sack the cities they conquered (something they might still do given the chance today) and how much it sounded like looting corpses in several video games (WoW, Fallout, etc.).

So here's my challenge. Think of a major event/battle from any point in history and give it a theme resembling that of a game you've played.

Hopefully you'll keep the examples appropriate (for example no game tie-ins with the Munich Olympics hostage situation for games like Modern Warfare or TF 2 with the kill icons).

An example of how far I'll allow this to go:

Gavrilo Princip is dominating Franz Ferdinand ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: START A WORLD WAR

Another thing you can do is dialogue like the World History Through Facebook thing.

Julius Caesar: Dude everything's going great. I'm dominating EVERYONE on the server. Nothing can go wrong.

Brutus: Oh yeah?

*TF 2 Backstab Icon*

Julius Caesar: Et tu Brutus? TOTAL FACESTAB HAX LAME HITBOX FTL

So what do you guys think?

 

[The Bucket]

Battle of Britian:

Luftwaffe raiding group after wiping for the third time in a row: Dude, I swear im quitting if they dont nerf radar operators in the next patch. Not to mention finally releasing the Messerschmitt upgrades they promised after the last expansion!

*sigh* my attempt anyway

Edit: Great topic idea btw

 

[BrunDeign]

Battle of Britian:

Luftwaffe raiding group after wiping for the third time in a row: Dude, I swear im quitting if they dont nerf radar operators in the next patch. Not to mention finally releasing the Messerschmitt upgrades they promised after the last expansion!

*sigh* my attempt anyway

Edit: Great topic idea btw

That was really good actually.

And thanks for the compliment.

 

[MorteSphere]

Russia keeps fucking stacking Cossacks, and Bavaria keeps trying to spam pikemen.

 

[The Bucket]

Battle of Britian:

Luftwaffe raiding group after wiping for the third time in a row: Dude, I swear im quitting if they dont nerf radar operators in the next patch. Not to mention finally releasing the Messerschmitt upgrades they promised after the last expansion!

*sigh* my attempt anyway

Edit: Great topic idea btw

That was really good actually.

And thanks for the compliment.

Thanks mate.

Battle of Thermolype-------------------

Persians: Stop camping up there you cheap assholes!
Greeks: Hey, doing this takes skill! Its how 'leets fight
Persians: Zerg rush them!

(Never played Starcraft, ergo im hoping a Zerg rush means what I think)

 

[BrunDeign]

Oh I got one.

Macedonia: Hell yeah! Just got the Phalanx upgrade! Now you're all dead!

*Rome has developed the Legion upgrade*

Macedonia: SON OF A *****

 

[kouriichi]

If it was like modern warfare 2, we would have won the war in iraq in 24 hours.

"ALI ACKBAR!!" *commando lunged by marine*
Just imagine dozens of snipers running through the street 360 no scoping every moving thing on the streets.
And the constant spam of chopper gunners and AC-130s. The rain of noobtoobs and a claymore on every corner.
And then ofcourse the constant screeching of the word "f*ggot" by every 13 yearold within 3 miles of the conflict.

 

[Krythe]

You have been afflicted with the following debuffs:

Overweight: -50% speed, -6 DEX, -4 CON, -2 STR

Socially Inept: -4 Charisma, -2 Intelligence

Caffine Overdose: -2 CON, -2 WIS

Butthurt: Chance of summoning mods when struck.

 

[bubba145]

U.S. Civil War.
Lee deploys light infantry to the center.
Picket's Division is sent forward
Meade Deploys heavy artillery.
Picket's Division is destroyed.
Lee retire from the fight.

 

[Random Name 4]

Archduke Franz Ferdinand is assassinated.

Germany dissaproves -15

 

[ChaoticKraus]

*England unlocks musket*

African Nations: Fucking n00b! stop using that cheap overpowered fag weapon! Skilled players go with bow and arrow!

 

[TheGameXXVII]

*Oswald headshots Kennedy*
Kennedy: OMG HAX n00b
Oswald: lol y u so mad?
Kennedy: WTF i was in my car moving how did u headshot me
Oswald: lolol


Jesus: 2 days! these respawn times fucking suck.
Romans: lol

 

[BrunDeign]

This lecture I'm watching for my Foundations class just gave me one.

Rome destroyed Carthage!

The Carthaginians have lost the fight!

Macedonia: Wait what? He was fighting us how did he destroy them too? We are so boned!

Or maybe...

Consul: We are going to execute this man unless you can give us a good enough reason not too!

*Choose a response*

1. It's unethical!
2. Because I asked?
3. I'll give you 20 gold coins?
-> 4. The gods said that you shouldn't.

Pontifex Maximus: Because the gods have decreed it to be unjust! I've seen it in the omens!

Consul: Oh of course! Let him go then.

(If you don't understand the second one the Pontifex Maximus in Rome could cancel out basically everything the consuls did just by saying that Zeus told him that they shouldn't do it)

And TheGame it's three days. Also NO FAIR that was on Halolz.

 

[Paksenarrion]

What about if gamers played out World History?

I just imagined every single combatant in every war fought taking the time to teabag a slain enemy before moving on.

Oh, God...an entire battlefield of Romans repeatedly squatting up and down...WTF NAZI GERMANY?!?! THEY KILLED OFF ALL THE NPC VENDORS!!!

 

[icame]

The battle of Vimy ridge in WW1 to play out like a fight straight out of Halo reach. Seriously, just imagine ww1 meeting the awesomeness of jetpacks.

 

[Sixcess]

Advertised as "The War to end all Wars", the 1914-1918 conflict proved unpopular with players. Claiming that they were going for a more realistic look, the developers have thrown out the colorful uniforms of earlier instalments in favour of a palette of dull greyish-brown. There's a few quirky and imaginative touches, like the spiked helmets of some german units, but overall the graphics are drab.

Gameplay is also extremely unbalanced. Cavalry have been nerfed into the (muddy) ground and the overpowered nature of machine gun units means making progress is very very slow indeed. Complaints have also been raised that the Russian campaign is too short and doesn't have a proper ending.

Overall it's hard to recommend 1914 to 1918 unless you enjoy looking at the same boring bit of muddy ground for what seems like months on end. It's not all bad news though. I hear the Germans are working on a sequel.

 

[Jake0fTrades]

Battle of Berlin:

In 1945, the Russian army rushed German positions using Marathon/Lightweight. Even though they took heavy casualties, eventually they unlocked the Painkiller deathstreak and put on their try-hard pants.

Through various rounds of Search and Destroy, the Russians captured building by building by trash-talking the Germans into submission. The Germans, running out of experienced troops, began enlisting newbs into their forces. The inexperienced noobs attempted to quick-scope the invaders only to be pwned by oncoming silenced UMP.45's.

Meanwhile, in the bunker, Adolf Hitler kills himself with a care-package.

 

[TraderJimmy]

What about if gamers played out World History?

I just imagined every single combatant in every war fought taking the time to teabag a slain enemy before moving on.

Oh, God...an entire battlefield of Romans repeatedly squatting up and down...WTF NAZI GERMANY?!?! THEY KILLED OFF ALL THE NPC VENDORS!!!

That was...disturbingly, horribly funny.

The last bit, specifically, made me laugh and feel pretty damn evil for doing so...