What If World History Played Out Like Video Games?

[Paksenarrion]

What about if gamers played out World History?

I just imagined every single combatant in every war fought taking the time to teabag a slain enemy before moving on.

Oh, God...an entire battlefield of Romans repeatedly squatting up and down...WTF NAZI GERMANY?!?! THEY KILLED OFF ALL THE NPC VENDORS!!!

That was...disturbingly, horribly funny.

The last bit, specifically, made me laugh and feel pretty damn evil for doing so...

It was a politically incorrect risk I took. I made a moral decision and decided the humor would take the sting out of my insensitivity. Because that's how I roll. Like a boss.

 

[BelmontClan]

Battle of Little Bighorn

Custer: C'mon fellas, let's do this. *Scream* GENERAAAAAAAAAL CUSTER!!!

Other Soliders: O_O Oh my God, he just ran in, let's go, let's go!

Native Americans: *proceed to decimate the army*

U.S. Army: God dammit, Custer!

Custer: It's not my fault! D: *dies*

U.S. Army: *shakes head* Custer, you are as stupid as hell.

 

[Irony's Acolyte]

Jesus has been backstabbed by Judas

Jesus: WTF? A three day respawn period? This game sucks!
Judas: U mad?

Or perhaps the end of WWII:

America has nuked Japan
Japan: God damn it!
America has nuked Japan
Japan: GOD DAMN NUKE SPAMMER!
America: I JU5T PWNED Y0UR N00BISH @$$. IM A L33T 5N1P3R!

Or maybe earlier in the war:
Germany: God damn it Russia, stop Zerging me!

The American Revolutionary War and the War of 1812:
America has defeated Great Britain.
G.B.: That was just luck, I'll kick your ass if you play again.
America: Okay.
Game 2 has started.
America has defeated Great Britain.
G.B.: God damn it!

Or the American Civil War:
America has adopted emancipation.
America has dissolved into Civil Unrest!

 

[randomsix]

Jesus uses Christianity against Paganism. It's super effective!

 

[The_root_of_all_evil]

So what do you guys think?

I think this has relevance

 

[SimuLord]

In 1066, the count of Yaroslavl has a stroke of genius, leading to his building a dynasty that spans the centuries, unifying Russia and Scandinavia under one flag.

As the centuries move onward from 1419 to 1819, the Swedish Empire discovers the New World and colonizes all of real world present-day Canada and the United States, running it as a fiefdom. Sweden becomes one of the world's two major superpowers along with China.

The 19th century sees the Swedish Empire rapidly industrialize and add population while the US and Canada are given their independence peacefully, puppets of the mother country. The center of mass of industrial power lies in Eastern Europe, as present-day Estonia becomes the locus of the entire world financial and industrial community. China continues to dominate Asia as the two superpowers divide the world according to their whim.

However, this balance of power must eventually lead to conflict, and in 1936 the Great War breaks out. Sweden crushes the Chinese, subsuming their industry and people and finally completing the conquest of the world in 1953. All hail Sweden!

(this was a rough abstract of exactly what happened in a Paradox four-game spanning save...my most successful Paradox 900.)

 

[El Poncho]

Britons: Dude that's a n00b tactic using the turtle formation!

Romans: It's working isn't it?

Britons: Only n00bs who can't play the game use that because they suck!

 

[MrShowerHead]

USA: Lets not invade Japan yet, lets camp here and kill some of the Japanise soldier.

2 Days Later

Japan: Oh yeah, lets go kick some American a-

TACTICAL NUKE INCOMING! IT'S OVER!!!

Japan: Oh c'mon!!!

 

[tomtom94]

I think that WWII would have been much more interesting if it had played out like Age of Mythology.

 

[Not-here-anymore]

Advertised as "The War to end all Wars", the 1914-1918 conflict proved unpopular with players. Claiming that they were going for a more realistic look, the developers have thrown out the colorful uniforms of earlier instalments in favour of a palette of dull greyish-brown. There's a few quirky and imaginative touches, like the spiked helmets of some german units, but overall the graphics are drab.

Gameplay is also extremely unbalanced. Cavalry have been nerfed into the (muddy) ground and the overpowered nature of machine gun units means making progress is very very slow indeed. Complaints have also been raised that the Russian campaign is too short and doesn't have a proper ending.

Overall it's hard to recommend 1914 to 1918 unless you enjoy looking at the same boring bit of muddy ground for what seems like months on end. It's not all bad news though. I hear the Germans are working on a sequel.

Best. Game Review. Ever!

Although I hear there are issues in the sequel with America being grossly overpowered, with players using them frequently doing nothing at all for the first 2/5 of the game, and still winning in the end. And apparently a lot of people are complaining about the surprise addition of stealth elements to the French campaign.

 

[Random Name 4]

I hate it, Stalin keeps banhammering people from my Kulak clan.

 

[Littlee300]

So what do you guys think?

I think this has relevance

I have never laughed harder in my life