Well, not to add to the bleakness, but a lot of the things I like about myself serve to make my life a hell of a lot harder. My often unfaltering consideration for the people I love makes me easy (and attractive, apparently) to take advantage of, my willingness to be as critical as I am encouraging makes me come off as angry and steeped in negativity - because god forbid you try to give someone room to improve rather than pretend they're the greatest thing that's ever lived - more often than not, my distaste for wealth and greed make me easy to be trampled on by those who value such things, my philosophy of "live life for the enjoyment of it rather than the struggle of it" often gets me interpreted as lazy, my belief that worrying constantly about god and the afterlife and what have you devalues what we already have is seen as offensive and blasphemous, my attention to detail and appreciation of communicating clearly and easily gets me accused of looking down on others, and my unusual perspective and personality tend to attract people who are flighty, inconsiderate, and seeking quick gratification more than anything of long-term worth. And then there's the fact that all of this leaves me undaunted, constantly seeking to improve myself, to ask myself what I'm doing wrong, when it seems to just set me up for further blindsiding. That said, I have been, with one exception, betrayed by everyone I've ever trusted and devoted myself to, and the person I trust and devote myself to most is showing signs of setting up to do it again. I'd like to believe the aforementioned exception is just that swell of a guy, and indeed, I usually do, but sometimes I ask myself if it's because I just haven't given him the chance.
I was once told that the kind of person I am doesn't fit with the kind of world I live in. They meant it in a positive, reassuring "they'll come around eventually" way, but it ended up being one of the most depressing things I've been told. It made me realize that there ultimately may be no place for a person who values the above, a person who wants the best for everyone, but wants them to try to achieve it of their own power, without excessive selfishness and dishonesty, while trying to help others achieve the same, and offering what support they can in the times they can't do it by themselves. I don't feel sorry for myself (usually), though, for better or worse, and I continue to do what I believe in while trying to adapt it when I misstep, because I feel it's the right thing to do, what the people around me deserve, even if they don't want it or understand it.
I guess that's what I like the most about myself: despite how many times we've proven ourselves to be a miserable species, despite how jaded and discouraged I've become over the way people have reacted to me, and over years of looking at our past and our present, and fearing for our future, I still believe everyone deserves to be happy, deserves to put their best foot forward, and I believe they can do it without excessive selfishness and wronging of others. And no matter what happens to me, if I'm destined to die jaded and in obscurity, without so much as a glance from passers-by, and then to live a miserable afterlife, should such a thing exist, for my belief that what I could not comprehend was not for me to think upon, if I better more lives than I've harmed with my willingness to accept all aspects of people but still ask the best of them, then my life will have meant something in my estimation. And even if I'm wrong, even if I fail, I believe we have enough potential in us, enough good in us, that it was worth the shot.
Some days are harder than others, though, that's for sure.
